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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

218 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:15

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening Hmm. Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:07

@GreatDuckCookery we visit them every 3-4 months-ish for a weekend.

OP posts:
ElementalHalfLife · 17/07/2018 12:08

You say they wanted to drop off your ds's birtday present, maybe they wanted to surprise him because, you know, some grandparents are unreasonable like that. Yes, they probably should have called ahead and made a proper appointment to visit at a time convenient to you but
I'm kinda getting the impression that no time would be very convenient to you and you make them about as welcome as smallpox when they do call ahead.

supersop60 · 17/07/2018 12:08

Yanbu. If someone is genuinely dropping something off, then I wouldn't expect advance notice, and they wouldn't expect to be invited in, except maybe to stand in the hall and chat for a couple of minutes. Anything other than than that - yes, it's polite to give a bit of notice. Eg my dsis and I would say - are you in?/up for a chat?/cup of tea? Then at least I'd have time to put the laundry away or pop out for some Bourbons (insert biscuit of choice)

oracle2811 · 17/07/2018 12:09

Grow up OP. You would complain regardless no matter what your IL's did. Perhaps if you made them more welcome they would be more involved with your DC. Your DH should be able to have his family over without his controlling wife moan on MN about it.

rosesandflowers1 · 17/07/2018 12:09

its very sad that a dp and gp cant just occasionally call in andbe welcomed.

Well they couldn't have been - OP was on holiday.

There's a weird attitude on Mumsnet where grandparents not being able to do everything they fancy is seen as "sad", no matter the reason. It's not sad, it's life! If you want to make sure someone is in and able to properly host and welcome you, send a text first.

rosesandflowers1 · 17/07/2018 12:10

Oh goodness @TinklyLittleLaugh

Was there a reason? Grin

AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 12:10

oracle2811

oh, we found the MIL! Still miffed about finding a door closed when you visited because people have a life and don't wait for you to randomly pop in?

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:10

@ElementalHalfLife for context, we regularly have DH’s mum to stay, also the rest of DH’s family (none of whom live close) have also been a few times and we give them a lovely time. I would honestly welcome step-MIL & FIL any time, with a bit of notice, mainly as I would do anything to make my DH happy because I love him!

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:11

@ElementalHalfLife oh and they’ve never called ahead - even the time they were in the area, we didn’t know and they just turned up.

OP posts:
TheIcon · 17/07/2018 12:11

OP. I wouldn't keep responding to the great in-law defender. In her world it is impossible for the in-laws to do anything wrong.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/07/2018 12:12

It's the second time they've visited in ten years?! They're hardly major popper inners, are they? Jesus...

BarbarianMum · 17/07/2018 12:13

What's the problem? They've visited you twice in 10 years so are obviously not in the habit of "just popping in". And this time they have and you're not there, which - as you don't like them - is perfect.

Total.None.Issue.

twoshedsjackson · 17/07/2018 12:15

Well, they'll know next time, won't they? Friends of my parents had this annoying habit, and were gobsmacked when they turned up unannounced and I was the only person in (still at home, but old enough to opt out of trips I didn't fancy). How very dare you not spend your days in a holding pattern just in case?
Handy hint; keep a coat in the hall, put it on before answering the door. If it's someone you want to see/entertain, you have "just got in" - if not, you were "just on your way out" preferably to catch a train......

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:15

@BarbarianMum well there are two issues - one, I don’t want them to think it’s acceptable and therefore do it again, and two, we are now somehow at fault in their eyes for not being in Angry

OP posts:
AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 12:17

for all the posters who think the world and its schedule should revolve around them, put it another way.

My kids are away next weekend. If a family member was popping in unannounced to drop a present, they would be really upset to have missed them and feel bad about being away. Why would you want to upset your grand-kids?

ThePartyArtist · 17/07/2018 12:18

I just had to reply to this because we have a similar issue!!
Totally bonkers of them to drive 2 hours without checking you'd be in. If they lived round the corner it might be normal to pop by - but with a journey of any length, any sensible person would check, not only whether it's convenient for the person they're calling on but also to ensure they don't waste their own time.

I would just reply completely non-emotionally. Something like 'we're on holiday and didn't realize you'd be calling round. Let us know when you'd like to come and we'll check we're in. Hope to see you soon'. Just don't respond to their attempts to guilt trip you - make it purely a logistical issue.

That said, I wish I could take my own advice! We used to get totally frustrated at inlaws coming to stay in the area and expecting us to be on call but refusing to make any prior commitments. Initially we'd scramble to rearrange things but then we started saying 'sorry we can't do then because of X. Please let us know in advance when you want to meet' and really sticking to it - and they did eventually get the message that we need to pre-plan. However we are currently in a totally infuriating situation where they've been in a huff with us for months, because they booked flights (without checking any dates with us) to come and stay, and afterwards when we said 'lovely to see you but please let us know dates in advance next time' they took that as they're not welcome to visit!

gamerchick · 17/07/2018 12:19

Heh only on here would going to see someone 2 HOURS away wouldn't need a check you were in call first. Grin

The people who are trying to outbitch each other on this thread either have no self awareness or they're lying about it being perfectly fine.

OP it serves them right, tell your bloke to let go of the guilt and enjoy your break.

RabbitsAreTasty · 17/07/2018 12:21

What I don't get here is why you feel guilty.

They came round to visit. You were not expecting them. You were out. So?

Surely your DH messages to them "Yes, we're on holiday. Maybe see you when we get back."

They are adults, they know they were dingbats for not checking if you'd be home. You don't need to spell it out.

You didn't go out knowing they would be visiting and so you don't need to apologise.

Is DH's real emotion here hope that they have suddenly started giving a shit and disappointment that he missed it? Being a person with bonkers relatives myself I would be suspicious that at least one of them knew you were away and made the trip on purpose to create guilt. Or claimed they made the trip.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:22

@ThePartyArtist oh god, ours have gone one better than that and booked a holiday without telling us, then blackmailed us into attending even though we couldn’t afford it and had to change plans!

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 17/07/2018 12:23

"We are away. We had no idea you were calling, please do call us before you leave next time in case we are out or have plans so you don't have a wasted journey. See you soon, let us know when x"

This exactly. Next time, if you ARE in and they turn up unannounced, just don't let them in. And don't let them guilt-trip you.

chickedychicked · 17/07/2018 12:23

I do not have the best relationship with my in laws ( now ex). However he is their son and yes I used to find it annoying when mine turned up unannounced because they would criticise the cleanliness, the food they were offered, our clothes etc.. but they are his parents after all.
I personally would never go anywhere 2 hours away without checking the person was home but that's their own fault.
I think the fact that they didn't even know you were away on holiday speaks volumes about your relationship (not saying it's your fault) so yes I think they should've rang first but I do think you sound incredibly angry over something that shouldn't really bother you. enjoy your him, forget about it.

HyggeHeart · 17/07/2018 12:24

If you are going to drive 2 hours on the off chance someone is in then it's on your head if they are not in (although I've no idea why anyone would do this, however close a relationship you had!).

It's totally unreasonable to then guilt trip someone for not being in!

I can't understand anyone jumping on the OP here, pil's behaviour was unreasonable, and a bit strange!

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:25

@RabbitsAreTasty you have hit on something there - DH is definitely disappointed he missed them, and it ties into the fact that he has a lot of guilt (unfounded) about his poor relationship with his dad etc. But yes, I’m not sure they knew we were away but I think they came not caring if we were, as they won either way.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 12:28

If they live 2 hours drive away and have only been twice before you're being a tad OTT to get wound up about this becoming a regular occurrence.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/07/2018 12:29

Indeed, it's the feeling bad (and being expected to) that's crazy.

Could he say 'we're away this week but it would be lovely to do something together this summer. What dates could you make in August?'

Then the ball's in their court.