To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

[MakingABoobOfIt]

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening . Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

I HATE it when people pop in unannounced and I don't give a shit if that makes me a grumpy old fuck. Similarly I NEVER turn up uninvited to anyone's house either. It's rude and arrogant and you are assuming people have fuck-all else to do, apart from entertaining YOU.

And it pisses me off when people say 'what happened to the days when you could just rock up to someone's house and be made welcome yada yada!!!'

Was there EVER a time when everyone was OK with people just turning up unannounced?! Maybe some people who didn't work (home-makers) and whose kids had left home, and who had no hobbies and few friends, but most people I have ever known have always had quite a busy life, and don't have time to entertain and cow-tow to people who just roll up at their home uninvited!

And back in the 1970's and 1980's, even my non-working older relatives who were were born in the 1920's and 1930's and whose kids were grown, didn't care for people just 'popping in' and staying for hours, eating them out of house and home, expecting to be waited on hand and foot, and stopping them relaxing in their own home.

As I said, when has this ever been a universally loved thing? Having people popping in without warning, and staying for hours? OR days!!!

I remember a long time ago, my friend had a penpal from from overseas (I won't say where!) and she was only writing to her for about 3 months, and on around her 4th letter, this woman said 'be ready for a nice surprise soon......' My friend thought she was going to send her a gift.

You can probably guess what is coming next........

The woman rocked up at her house, with a huge suitcase! Totally uninvited and totally unexpected.

Problem was, when she came, (at midday on a Saturday,) my friend was out all day on a big city visit approx 40 miles from home. And there were no mobile phones then or texting or instant messaging - it was mid 1990's... Then when she was done with her city trip, she came back to the little town she lives and went to the cinema til 11pm. (Completely oblivious to the fact that this penpal had been waiting for her since midday. )

She had been waiting at her flat door, she had knocked on the doors of a dozen neighbours, (to see if they knew what time my friend would be back, where she was, and if they had a key so she could let herself in!)

And she had tried to locate my friend's parents by looking in a phone book that she found in a phone box. (She knew they lived only half a mile away, as my friend had mentioned this in one of her letters,) They were ex-directory so weren't in there. PHEW!!!

She had gone into town for a meal at 3pm and come back, then tootled off again at 7pm then come back. Awkward. My friend knew this because her neighbours (who the woman had been badgering half the day demanding to know where my friend was,) told her.

Seems she left at 10.30pm after asking 5 or 6 sets of neighbours if she could stay there, and got a B & B with a view to 'popping back' to my friend's at dawn the next day.

My friend was horrified as she didn't know this person, they had only been 'penpals' for 3 months, and had exchanged only 3 or 4 letters at the most, and she was expecting her to let her stay at her home. So she just didn't answer the door when the bell rang at 7am. (She couldn't tell she was in as it was an upstairs flat in a 3 storey block, (on the top floor,) and you couldn't see into it.

The bloody woman just waited til TEN a.m. then popped off. My friend played hide and seek for several days til the penpal actually gave up!

She got a letter from her later in the week saying she had called to see her, but she couldn't manage to catch her in PMSL! So could she ring her on this number (B & B's number) and they can arrange to meet...

My friend never wrote back, and never saw the woman again. Guess she moved onto another sucker penpal!

So yeah @MakingABoobOfIt YANBU!

To the people saying 'why is that even FAMILY cannot visit unannounced?' It's because people have busy lives, and aren't sitting there waiting for you to come, so they can entertain you, and wait on you hand and foot! And they don't have to answer to you, or explain themselves. NO, not even if you are their PARENTS!

Why would parents need to 'book' before coming to see their child/grandchild.

Assuming your dp (their son) is still with you, id be amazed that you wouldn't invite them in!

They probably wanted to arrive for 5/6pm, knowing that you would be in and that your child would be home from school so they can watch him open his gift. Then share a few hours and trundle off.

I'm not sure why mumsnet hates PIL, they are the end of your day your partners parents. (Unless obvious backstory of abuse/neglect)

It's silly to guilt-trip you - even if you hadn't been on holiday you could have been out for the day or the evening, or away overnight, and they can't seriously expect you to give them an entire run-down of your diary every week.

I'd be quite pleased this has happened, it might actually get it through to them that they need to check these things with you and not make assumptions.

OP How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

They've visitied you twice in ten years.
You are not being encroached upon.
No need to say anything to them at all because they aren't being a nuisance.
Twice in ten years.

YABVU

Who cares it if was your DS's bath time? You do know routines can and should be disrupted for special occasions i.e. a visit from a very close family members.

Your MIL and FIL were very nice in visiting to hand over a present for your DS. You sound like you'd rather they hadn't bothered(which you would then have come on here to complain about)).

I don't think I'd bother with visits or presents in future if I were your MIL.

There is nothing abnormal about chapping on your sons door. It is ok to do that

Yeah if you live next door. Not before a four hour return journey. That's just a bad idea no matter what

jollygoose
I think you sound rather unpleasant and its very sad that a dp and gp cant just occasionally call in andbe welcomed.

They've bothered to visit twice in 10 years! FFS. Do you expect the OP and her family to stay in for a decade just in case they are deemed worthy of another visit again?!
They could have made a quick phone call. The OP is NOT in the wrong here.

StillNoClue

Would YOU drive for 2 hours to see someone without finding out if they would even going to be there first?

The bit of this that is SO irritating is their attempt to suggest that this is somehow your fault, not theirs. What a bloody nerve!
Can you turn it round on them “what a shame! I bet you feel a bit silly for not calling first?” Or “that’s so disappointing but is a lesson learned, I guess. Do let us know when you’re planning to travel to us, so you don’t have another wasted journey”
I really hope you don’t accept their guilt-trip. The truth is, the problem has probably solved itself really. They’re unlikely to try the same thing again.

You do know routines can and should be disrupted for special occasions i.e. a visit from a very close family members.

Very close? They've visited twice in 10 years. 'Very close' is a bit of a stretch isn't it.

@SunShades well, for a start they aren’t ‘very close family members’ - RT(F)T. Also, who cares if it’s DS’s bathtime? I do, when he’s knackered and crabby and needs his sleep. Yes of course we don’t stick to routines for special occasions - on holiday he’s having a late bedtime etc - but it’s not fair for the ILs to expect us to do that to accommodate them at no notice.

We were camping Roses, in Scotland a five hour drive from where we live. FiL lives locally to us so frequently pops in to give us helpful advice on how we are doing life wrongly.

However, FiL loves camping so thought it might be useful to track us down in Scotland and share with us the benefit of his wisdom.

It was three o'clock in the afternoon and it was pissing down (of course it was; Scotland, July). We were all snuggled up still in our jim jams, scoffing chocolate, reading and playing board games.

FiL was absolutely appalled at our lack of hardiness and moral fibre. I think we made his month to be honest. So he piled in and basically ruined the mood.

I'm laughing now but I wasn't at the time. The kids are mostly grown up now and still joke about how grandad crashed our holiday and mum wasn't happy.

I def think scheming was afoot. They found out from someone else you were away and just want to wind you up.
Dropping in is not a crime, BUT they live 2 hours away and they couldn’t have known whether you’d be in or not. It’s all a passive aggressive wind up.
Please don’t feel bad. You couldn’t have known.

They've bothered to visit twice in 10 years! FFS. Do you expect the OP and her family to stay in for a decade just in case they are deemed worthy of another visit again?!
They could have made a quick phone call. The OP is NOT in the wrong here.

EXACTLY @donaldtrumpwasacondomsplit

This is not a close family.

The word 'entitled' springs to mind, for the OP's in-laws, AND a few posters here!!!

There is nothing abnormal about chapping on your sons door. It is ok to do that.

Nicknacky, there's definitely something abnormal about driving two hours to knock on your son's door without checking first that someone will actually be in.

I'm with others, it's rude and inconsiderate to assume that the person you're visiting has nothing to do but wait around at home on the off-chance that you'll turn up, and that if you do turn up you can expect them to drop all their plans and entertain and feed you.

Why would parents need to 'book' before coming to see their child/grandchild.

to make sure they are around and are available?
As it happens, they were away, so booking doesn't sound like such a daft idea.

Of course, routines can be changed, but it's unfair to impose it on the parents. You don't know what week they are having, if they had a crappy night and kept the little one up all day to ensure he would have an early night, you don't know if the parents have plans for tomorrow and were really looking forward to catch up on things at home.

There are a million of reasons why expecting others to drop everything and cancel their plans is rude and selfish. In this case, the OP is lucky she wasn't home.

The only thing that you are being unreasonable about is giving a damn that they think you're at fault. Who cares what bat shit people like this think?!

It's like George Bernard Shaw's quote "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."

Get involved in what they think or feel, and it will just drag you down to their level of batshit crazy, and they'll love the drama they create.

Do you know what else really winds me up - they didn’t even ring us when they were outside our house! They just texted when they got home

YANBU it is polite for them to turn up unannounced the only time it's acceptable is if it's an emergency or they are in the area

YANBU. It's rude to just turn up on someone's doorstep IMHO.

I always try to think of it this way, in years to come if you weren't welcome to 'pop in' to visit your son/daughter how would you feel?

It would depend on the circumstances. If I acted normally and called ahead to ask if it is OK and they kept saying no, I would be distinctly unhappy. However, if I kept turning up without checking first only to find that they were occasionally out or had other things to do, I would regard that as no-one's fault but mine. But, without wishing to claim any particular virtue for it, I just wouldn't do that because it's so obviously stupid.

Popping in if they just live around the corner, or happen to be passing, and are happy to take their chances about people being out or too busy to stop and chat is one thing. Generally ok as long as the popper inner is willing to pay attention to any hints about people being too busy for lengthy social calls.

But someone making a special lengthy trip in order to just pop in unannounced is just weird. If they live 2 hours away, then they’re risking wasting half a day pointlessly travelling if they pop in when someone’s out. I just don’t understand why people wouldn’t ring ahead to check that there’s going to be someone there before making a lengthy trip like that.

PILs once did that to us. They live far enough away for visits to require overnight stays. Rang us up one Saturday morning to declare that they were in the cheap hotel down the road and were coming round to see us in 10mins! No other reason than they fancied a visit apparently. Lucky for them that we hadn’t gone out for the day

SunShades, what routine was OP supposed to disrupt in order to receive the present the in-laws brought round?

It's only on MN that people aren't welcome to just pop in if we are in, but most days we will be at work or school. My house is cleanish , you can always have a cuppa/wine/gin depending on the time and mood. There probably won't be a biscuit and there definitely won't be anything homemade but most people will be welcome.