To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

[MakingABoobOfIt]

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening . Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

I think it’s reasonable to let your parents/ILs know if you are going to be away for a week. Just in case some emergency crops up.

When we visit dp's grown up DDS who live 100 miles away, we always let them know we want to visit, and when. It makes sense. We don't want to get there and everybody's out or away on holiday. If we didn't warn them in advance, on our own heads be it!

I don't think the issue of letting people know that you're going to be away in case of emergency really applies if wherever you are going has mobile phone reception. All they need to do is get hold of you, as you're away anyway it won't make any difference to how quickly they get hold of you or how quickly you can get to wherever the emergency is.

Could have been so much worse if they had had a key to your house!!
Send them a spreadsheet of all the times you will be away - (or busy!)
Leave a couple of available times!!
If they turn up when you have informed them you aren't available then bloody tough. Don't let them stay.
Or send air B&B places in your area!!

I was going to comment earlie that I can't imagine going away for a week without our parents know, even if they're 2 hours away & cant respond to any home emergencies, but just you know keep them in the loop of family news, but then I remembered all the threads I've read where lots of families just aren't like that. However I've reflected a bit more & came on to say are you sure they're calling from your home? Could they have heard you're on holiday and are trying to make the point that you should be informing them before hand. I'd be getting one of those doorbells that connects with your phone & lets you see who's been ringing it & when.

People know you can't just turn up on our doorstep unannounced, I'm the only one likely to be in between 12 - 1, and I might have plans, no one will be in between 8.30 - 12.

I have relatives who ask if they can come and I say no, nobody's there, so they threaten to come anyway and call social services.

StillNoClue because they weren't there?

ElementalHalfLife presumably the OP and immediate family have a life, they can't just sit at home waiting for the doorbell to ring. It's always best to call on us after 12pm during the week, and call ahead at weekends, if you actually want us to be in. Or should I provide everyone with a calendar for the next 3 months?

To the pp who said that the OP was away on her DC's birthday, no she wasn't, his birthday was before the holiday.

Just because they are piling on the guilt it doesn't mean that you are guilty or should feel guilty. Learn to deflect. Have you ever met a teflon person, people who are never at fault for anything at all? I'm not saying you should be like that (because they are bloody annoying people), but you could use some of their techniques for cases where you are genuinely not at fault. When they phrase something as being your fault, rephrase it back at them so that the fault lies with them.

"We're really upset that we wasted so much time and you weren't even there."
reply "It's a shame you wasted your own time. What a pity you didn't call beforehand."

The OP's reasons for being on holiday are irrelevant.

What sort of idiot drives two hours on spec to see someone and then gets offended if they are not there?

I'm struggling to see how this is anyone's fault but the idiots who didn't check first.

My inlaws would do this, lived literally 5 minutes up the road and would call at 8pm every night just as their grandkids were going to bed, would upset the whole routine, it just drove me crazy, fucking call to see your gk during the day or early evening, they'd expect tea and coffee and entertaining then when I would want to sit down. There was no getting through to them though

YANBU. Some people don't mind unexpected visitors, others do. Different people have different boundaries.

IMO, it is rude to just turn up at somebody's house, family or not. I might still be in my PJs, I might already have a visitor, my house might be a tip, I might have other plans etc.

I would never turn up to someone else's house uninvited. Always call beforehand.

I have relatives who ask if they can come and I say no, nobody's there, so they threaten to come anyway and call social services.

I feel really sorry for social services sometimes. Can you imagine the conversation?

Caller: I want to report my relatives, when I called in just now there was no-one at home.
SW: Have they left someone vulnerable there on their own?
Caller: No.
SW: Did you arrange with them to visit?
Caller: Well, I told them beforehand I was going to come.
SW: And did they tell you they'd be in?
Caller: Well, no, they told me they'd be out.
SW: So why exactly did you expect them to be in?
Caller: Because I told them I'd report them to you if they weren't.
SW: Ri-ight. Are they somehow in danger because they're away?
Caller: No.
SW: Do you need them to help you in some way?
Caller: No.: So what is the issue?
Caller: They weren't at home when I wanted to call.
SW: Why do you need them to be there?
Caller: They just should be there if I want to visit.
SW: Errrrmmmmm....

My brother is a real pain for turning up without notice or not turning up when occasions have been planned.

He gets extremely angry if our parents aren't at home and he's spent nearly 2 hours time and money gracing them with his presence. He wants to know where they are, why wasn't he invited and demands they return. When they are in he often gets upset they don't have his favourite food or drink in.

Time and time again he's been asked to phone ahead to make sure they are in, he doesn't believe they should have any sort of social life that doesn't involve him.

I get the phone calls whilst at work, at bath time, school time etc; I struggle to keep the calls short and get off the phone. He must know that are certain times of the day I'm busy and don't have time. He keeps doing it though.

My mum really spoiled him as a child. He doesn't seem to have grown up.

All you can do is hope that somewhere deep in the dark recesses of their strange minds, they've learned a valuable lesson about first checking you're going to be in before setting off on such a long journey.

Now, forget about the incident.

With mobile phones, voicemail and text there is no reason anymore to turn up unannounced.

As for advising parents when away, I have done this for years.

My MIL is a popper. I teach, and last summer holidays she was constantly appearing to find me watching Homes Under the Hammer in my pyjamas with unwashed hair. She’s recently retired but still gets up at 5am every day. DP eventually had a word with her, and she’s better about ringing or texting, but still annoyingly vague - “I will pop round with XYZ one evening this week”. I actually like my MIL more then my own mother, but I find it intensely irritating.

Bibesia I'll remember that post next time they do it. It's made me feel so much better! 😂

Yes, people are clearly confusing 'open invitation', which means 'just call any time if you want to come and visit/stay and we'll talk about dates' with 'open house', which means 'my door is always open and you can come round any time you like.'

It completely depends who it is. I've got friends who can drop in whenever they like, but they are also close enough that if I'm in the middle of something, I can just leave them to make themselves a coffee, watch TV, get their laptop out etc.

Otherwise, no YNBU. If it's the kind of guest where you will be expected to make tea, entertain etc, than they should ask before dropping round.

I also feel like there's added pressure on women - because of gender stereotyping - to drop everything, be welcoming, and entertain etc. My partner and I have had many chats about this, and he willingly takes over, so the expectation doesn't fall on me. But it's been an interesting processes of 'handing over' that responsibility as I often feel guilty about getting on with whatever I was doing, or how the house looks etc. (Great thing to unlearn though!!)

doris it doesn't depend who it is. What if you have plans for that day. Like tomorrow, I'm going to have to get a tube to pay 2 cheques in, otherwise I'll have to take 2 bored DC with me. I won't be in. No one will be in until 1.

If someone turns up announced, they have to accept the risk of you not being in, or being turned away. Period.

You have no obligation to receive visitors if you don't want to. However far they've traveled. or whoever they are It's hard, but you have to act accordingly.

Having said that, I generally welcome friends and close family who turn up unexpectedly. But that's because they don't do it often.

turn up UNannouced!