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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

218 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:15

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening Hmm. Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

OP posts:
Elderflower78 · 18/07/2018 15:59

Yanbu I hate this. I find it really rude and intrusive. Theres no way of knowing if you are busy. Even if you are not all your plans have to change to accommodate. You mite have woke up and thought ahhh bliss day off I'm going to sit and watch box sets and stuff my face....then mil chaps the door. Your afternoon is interrupted, your housework isn't done and you haven't even brushed your hair.
It's a bloody nightmare.
I seriously don't know why anyone in the right mind would drive 2 hours to someone's house without a heads up.
Probably did it to piss you off.

Elderflower78 · 18/07/2018 16:02

**You didn't let them know that you were going to be away on their gc's birthday because, you know, people often like to drop by on birthdays to hand over gifts

Yeah it's also common practice to go out on people's birthday, not sit in and wait on people bringing gifts.

CoffeeOrSleep · 18/07/2018 17:46

yes Elderflower - if you weren't away, then going out for the day is also a big possibility for a child's birthday!

It's a day where I might genuinely think someone wouldn't be available, even if normally they are in during the week.

user1495390685 · 18/07/2018 19:12

I think they are looking to stir, OP. Be careful with what you say. They clearly know how to guilt trip their son too. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Pretty sure they have an agenda.

Rhiannon13 · 18/07/2018 19:54

I don't particularly like it when people pop by unannounced either but am I the only one feeling annoyed that the OP and her husband don't have any interest in nurturing their child's relationship with his grandparents? As adults, we should be able to put our own grievances aside and respect that our child's relationships with family members are important in their own right. How sad that an impromptu visit from Granny and Grandad (with a present!) is deemed a suitable subject to bitch about on here.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 18/07/2018 21:26

@Rhiannon13 I think if you’d read the thread and seen any of my comments you would have understood that we do our absolute best to nurture DS’s relationship with them, however they do very little to reciprocate.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 18/07/2018 21:27

@user1495390685 yep I think they have an agenda, have felt that way for several years now, but I cannot for the life of me understand what it is they hope to achieve? I have driven myself crackers trying to understand their behaviour - this incident is one in a long line!

OP posts:
AmericanEskimoDoge · 18/07/2018 21:58

YANBU.

Even if you had a better, closer relationship with them, it's very strange to drive two hours on the gamble that someone will be home (and happy to have unexpected visitors).

I love my family dearly, but I love them even more if they call before coming over. I'm in a much better mood if I've had a chance to prepare for visitors!

Sweetpea55 · 19/07/2018 00:30

What would their reaction have been if they had arrived and you were just on your way out for tea with friends

Rebecca36 · 19/07/2018 00:33

I agree with you, it does sound strange.
Well, no harm done I suppose but it wouldn't hurt for you to be a bit more hospitable.

SalemBlackCat · 19/07/2018 00:37

@Rhiannon13 Please read the full thread. You could not be more wrong. The OP has bent over backwards to foster a relationship between their child and the PIL. The ILs don't seem to care at all.

SunShades · 19/07/2018 00:48

@SalemBlackCat

'Bent over backwards' by getting pissy when they drove 2 hours to visit.

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 01:06

The in laws have visited twice in ten years.
Twice.
They do not pop in
It would be hard for them to be ~less~ intrusive.

tempester28 · 19/07/2018 01:06

I don't think you need to say anything. I am sure they won't do it again.

1forAll74 · 19/07/2018 01:13

Perhaps a little family chat for all of you.to have a sort out. life is too short for all the hassle and strife in some familes,

IAmNotAWitch · 19/07/2018 01:20

Shrug I have some relationships where popping in is fine (both ways) but most at not at that level.

I don't understand why you feel guilty? Even if you DO have the kind of relationship where you can pop in the person being out/away is just a risk you take.

How is this your/your DH's problem?

GunpowderGelatine · 19/07/2018 01:26

I think there are 2 kinds of people

  1. "I love people popping round, the more the merrier"
  1. "It's rude to turn up unannounced, and we're probably busy"

I am in camp no 2, I hate it! My mum lives abroad, doesn't work, no kids, she can ring any time she likes but she always chooses lunchtime, dinner or bedtime which when I have 2 toddlers is extremely infuriating - especially when she gets pissed off that I "never answer the phone"

MsFrizzle · 19/07/2018 01:33

You didn't let them know that you were going to be away on their gc's birthday because, you know, people often like to drop by on birthdays to hand over gifts

Did everybody miss the part where they;ve come over twice in a decade? It's not like they have form for popping in on a kid's birthday.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 19/07/2018 01:35

My FIL and SIL play lets-see-who’s-most-offended by regularly visiting the other without phoning and then getting very irritated that the person isn’t in. Neither can recognise their own behaviour in the other. When they are the one that is out when the other calls, it’s deemed entirely reasonable. When the other is out when they call it is thoughtless and deliberate. If family mentions to either that phoning might be a wise idea before setting off the suggestion is brushed aside as unnecessary. They probably manage to catch each other at home around one in three visits or so. Still, they keep on doing it so it must somehow work for them but it’s a bit perplexing to witness on repeat when it could so easily be fixed.

Italiangreyhound · 19/07/2018 02:05

It's not OK to just turn up.

YANBU.

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 02:49

Below is the OP question
How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like

The answer is
You don't have to. They have visited you twice in a decade. They're not interested in seeing you.

yy558 · 19/07/2018 07:17

YANBU- unexpected arrivals are just not polite( you need more than two hours to shove everything in the closet and make it presentable. At least in my house. But my Mil is like super stickler for being clean. It gets so bad that we usually argue before his parents arrive because we both want the floor mopped, sink cleaned, bathrooms cleaned. And we usually have a days notice! )

But people be who they wanted to be. You might as well keep some m and s items in the freezer to chuck in the oven.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/07/2018 09:09

Ha, I'll raise you my family member who flies transatlantic without making arrangements and just assumes people are available.

CharmingHorses · 19/07/2018 09:11

I think there are people who quite like unexpected visitors (or at least don't mind at all) and there are those that hate it.

I really don't like it. But then I don't really even like unexpected phone calls (totally irrational but I almost start panicking when my phone rings unexpectedly and I think I have to have a social conversation). To this degree, I often even text people to see if it ok before I call them!!

My DH quite likes unexpected visitors and I would not put it past him to rock up to someones house completely unannounced.

Chathamhouserules · 19/07/2018 09:23

This is not an incident. They visited. You weren't in. You say 'oh that's a shame. We were on holiday.' No guilt. I'm sure they don't blame you for not being in. Have they said as much or are you just being oversensitive?
Since they have visited twice in 10 years no need to say anything as they obviously don't like visiting you.
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.