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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

218 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:15

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening Hmm. Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:43

@TheVanguardSix sorry I didn’t mention it’s DH’s stepmum and Dad. Not that that should make any difference, but in this case it does, as DH is not close to either of them. I think that is evident in the lack of visits/contact with their GS - even if their relationship with me/DH isn’t great, I would have hoped they might try to build something with DS.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 17/07/2018 11:44

If they have only visited twice in years then maybe they are trying to rectify it and didn’t realise it was a mumsnet sin not to text in advance.

It's a real life sin!

I have things to do. If I want to work out or go shopping, or I have errands to run etc., then a random guest has very inconsiderately thrown my day off kilter. I'm not exactly an extrovert either, there are days where I'd rather die than have company and sit there and make small talk.

Not to mention sometimes if you're not expecting company you might not be dressed, the house might not be clean, you won't have something to feed them etc. I got into the habit of cleaning/tidying the house first thing because my judgey mother was always coming round.

It's actually very rude to assume people will be able to drop their lives just to entertain you.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:44

@Nicknacky well I think if you knew them you might think differently Grin I would joyfully go no contact, but would never ask that of DH, and we do everything we can to make the relationship work.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 17/07/2018 11:45

Sounds similar to what happened to us last year when FIL and his wife decided to "drop in" on us (they live 2.5 hours away). We were away on holiday so didn't know until we found their note when we got home 10 days later. FIL then wouldn't speak to us for 3 months! How very dare we go on holiday Grin

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:46

Lol @reallybadidea are you DH’s sister?! Grin

OP posts:
CruCru · 17/07/2018 11:46

Yes, that would annoy me too, particularly if they are going to guilt trip you. I think you're going to have to develop a hide of teflon. If they say "Oh, we travelled all that way and you weren't even in! You could have let us know that you were away!" say "Gosh, yes it's such a shame that you didn't check that we were in beforehand". At no point accept any blame for their wasted journey.

A PP has said that they thought it surprising that your husband didn't tell her you were going to be away. Whether this is surprising depends on the lives you lead - I know people who travel a lot for work and I would be surprised if they told their parents every time they had to schlep to York / Germany / wherever.

AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 11:46

It has ALWAYS been polite to call before visiting someone, unless you are in a very casual and close relationship where it is accepted to be in and out of each other's house.

Don't you know that ladies had an "at home afternoon" when guests could pop in for a cup of tea, but any other day they risk not being allowed in by the staff.

Don't feel guilty, just explain how sorry you are they wasted your time so please contact you before next time to make sure this doesn't happen again.

It's so rude to expect someone to drop everything, cancel prior arrangements to host a surprise visit. It's a way of telling them their time is not as important as yours, because they can accommodate you at the time suitable for you. Just rude.

beautifulblue · 17/07/2018 11:51

I always try to think of it this way, in years to come if you weren't welcome to 'pop in' to visit your son/daughter how would you feel? I mean personally, I would call ahead to make sure they weren't out/busy (making a 2 hour trip without knowing is odd) but I would always hope they wouldn't mind if I did just pop by... I think it would be sad if they had a real problem with it... being your children/grandchildren.

Celebelly · 17/07/2018 11:52

I think it's weird that anyone would drive two hours specifically to visit someone without checking they were in. Other than that, yes I would find it a bit rude if someone just turned up without quickly checking it was convenient, unless it was literally to hand something over. I think the exception for me would be if I lived very close to my mum, but even then I think I'd send her a quick text to a) check she was in and b) make sure it was convenient. It's just common courtesy, innit?

Driving for two hours without knowing someone is even in is just stupid, though, aside from the whole manners issue.

Pretamum · 17/07/2018 11:53

I don't think UABU, I'd be annoyed too. The fact that they travelled 2 hours without checking you were in seems ridiculous to me - even if you weren't on holiday, you might have been out, or had friends over for the day, or just not been in a good state to have PIL's visit. Its lovely to have people popping over unexpectedly when you have nothing to do, are in a good mood and like the people popping in, but there's no guarantee that you'll be in a welcoming mood. My PIL's used to come round unexpectedly ALL THE TIME (admittedly they did live round the corner from us at the time) and it drove me mad. It would always be on a Friday night just as were leaving the house to go out (before we had kids and went out all the time) and they'd be offended when we said we couldn't make them a cup of tea as we were meeting friends or had booked cinema tickets / table at restaurant etc... Even if we were in, sometimes they wouldn't knock on the door and would just go round the back and peek into the windows. Nothing like being asleep on the sofa while you're baby is napping to be woken up by your MIL knocking on the window and waving, no doubt expecting a cup of tea and a long chat until the baby wakes up for nanny cuddles. And generally I got on with my PIL's, but this popping round unexpectedly drove me bonkers.

Bekabeech · 17/07/2018 11:54

Having grown up before mobile phones and before every household had a phone, I find it hard to adjust to this new world where you have to text for permission before knocking on someone's door.

Having grown up in that era too - you didn't drive for 2 hours without an arrangement - or you dealt with the consequences. Like my Uncle who "popped in" when I was seriously ill with Rubella (if I'd been MC I'm sure I'd have been in hospital).
People used to send letters or phone, unless it was a regular visit.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/07/2018 11:54

We don't have the kind of relationship where it might have been ok Confused. Your husband's parents? Does he know his parents aren't welcome to drop in?

lottiegarbanzo · 17/07/2018 11:54

Gosh, 2 hours! Surely a cheery 'always best to call first' and leave it there?

dancinfeet · 17/07/2018 11:55

my family used to do this - turn up unexpectedly on a sunday afternoon. 45 min drive to my house, and it used to drive me mad, as I often allocate sun afternoon for grocery shopping as it's my only day off work. Supermarket shuts at 4pm here on sundays, so then that was my shopping for the week screwed up, or I had made plans to meet a friend which then had to be cancelled. Then they would wonder why I wasn't too pleased to see them. Now they don't visit at all, rather than make the effort to pick up the phone and call to check if I am free (if they called in advance I would plan round their visit!!). I hate people 'just turning up' it always seems to be when I am up to my eyeballs in paperwork deadlines / about to get in the shower / have been invited to a BBQ at a friends house / planning a nice afternoon with my girls. Just ring and check it's convenient FFS, it's not that difficult!

DonaldTrumpWasACondomSplit · 17/07/2018 11:58

They can piss off with any guilt trips. Ridiculous you should stay in just in case they visit.

Practise 'Well, you should have let us know and we could have told you we would be away' repeat, repeat, repeat.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:59

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar um, yes! He was as Shock as I was. They’ve done it once before (the second time they have visited us in ten years) when they were actually in the area, stayed for 4 hours over DS’s teatime etc and it was really hard work. They just sat in the lounge whilst DH and I ran around getting DS sorted and sort of popped in and out Benny Hill style. They stayed til 9pm, insisted they didn’t want to eat or ‘put us out’ which meant DH and I were eating toast at 10 o’clock having not had time to cook.

OP posts:
AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 12:01

in years to come if you weren't welcome to 'pop in' to visit your son/daughter how would you feel?

I would feel that they have a life and would likely be out or already have guests! I would feel like I failed if my visits were the highlight of their week and they had nothing else to do!

Llanali · 17/07/2018 12:01

So in this case now you have provided all the extra drip fed information it seems weird.

In general, I pop in on my friends. They pop in on me. My house is not immaculate but there is cake in the tin and tea on the shelf. If I’m busy, I say so and so do they! Normally I’d tell them to make tea for both of us whilst I finish up.

gymNgin · 17/07/2018 12:01

I would get your husband to say...

Dear parents,
If you would like to come and stay with us or pop in for a visit, we would be very pleased to see you. Please remember to call us before you come so we can be ready for your arrival as we obviously had no idea you were coming when we were on holiday. Also even if we were not on holiday it may not have been possible to put you up for the night as we sometimes have other plans that cannot be changed. We would hate to have to turn you away.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/07/2018 12:02

Could have been worse OP; Fil once popped up unannounced on our holiday.

jollygoose · 17/07/2018 12:05

I think you sound rather unpleasant and its very sad that a dp and gp cant just occasionally call in andbe welcomed. Lets hope your dc are pleased to see you when you visit many years in the future and their partners arent thinking omg it`s the inlaws again.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:06

@TinklyLittleLaugh 😱 lol that is my actual worst nightmare!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 12:06

If they've only visited twice in 10 years when else have you seen them?

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:07

@Llanali sorry it’s hard not to drip feed, there’s so much gone in - I didn’t want to write a massive post initially, so I’m just responding where people have asked a question.

OP posts:
AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 12:07

Fil once popped up unannounced on our holiday.

Grin Grin Grin
that's brilliant!