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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

218 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 11:15

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening Hmm. Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 17/07/2018 12:53

They didn't even try to get hold of you when outside your house? They just drove back 2 hours, rather than see if you were at the park 2 minutes walk away?!!?

Oh they sound like they were trying to find a way you were in the wrong to guilt you !

Just refuse to join in with the guilt trip - "gosh yes, you really wasted your day! I can't believe you didn't call us first, or at least when you were on the road. Never mind, I'm sure you'll remember to call next time!"

borlottibeans · 17/07/2018 12:54

Of course YANBU. There are very few people I have a 'just turn up' relationship with and even then I would text first before making a 2 hour journey, AND in any case I would know if they were on holiday.

The fact that on paper they are near relations is irrelevant - it's about the actual relationship not who gave birth to who. I have friends this would be ok with, but would be shocked and horrified if my husband's estranged parents showed up at our house.

Davespecifico · 17/07/2018 12:55

Makingaboob- that’s because they have probably made the whole thing up.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 12:56

@CoffeeOrSleep THANK YOU! I was starting to feel like I’m going mad and this is actually perfectly normal behaviour Grin

OP posts:
AirForce0ne · 17/07/2018 12:56

It's only on MN that people aren't welcome to just pop in if we are in

or maybe people on MN have a different life than yours and you are seeing a bit outside of your own little bubble? Smile

I'd say it's only on MN that people are rude enough to pop in unannounced, in RL they are too busy themselves to pull that trick.

InfiniteVariety · 17/07/2018 12:56

I don't think you will need to tell them not to turn up without prior arrangement because this incident wasted so much of their time they will surely never do it again - learning from experience is so much more powerful than being told!

Magicpaintbrush · 17/07/2018 12:58

I hate hate hate it when people turn up unannounced. I find it rude and inconsiderate. I am always busy - always - and if somebody turns up unexpectedly they will definitely be interrupting me in the middle of something. I plan ahead. I cannot be doing with people just 'popping in'. It's so presumptuous to just assume that the person they are visiting will just drop everything to entertain them. Angry

Climbing down off my angry box now.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/07/2018 12:58

FiL lives pretty close. Pops in while we are working from home, when the kids are all out somewhere else, while we are getting dinner sorted or are eating and is most put out that we don't drop everything for a chat. Every. Single. Time.

We've tried inviting him round at specific times, for a meal or just a chat. Nope. He wants to see us when he wants to see us. He can sit there and watch me get on with stuff now; I'm not bothered.

InCognitoZombie · 17/07/2018 13:01

Haven't read the full thread, but are you sure they actually came? Is there any way they found out you were away so thought they'd use it as an "opportunity" to guilt you?

MissP103 · 17/07/2018 13:03

Yanbu op. I would absolutely hate this. We are either very busy or prefer just lazing around at home. Having visitors of any sorts requires a prior arrangement.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 13:03

@Davespecifico I would have thought that, but they left the present with our NDN.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 17/07/2018 13:09

I can't imagine not telling PIL that we were going away for a week, tbh. That said tbey were a bit unreasonable to take a two hour drive on spec.....

chrisinthesun · 17/07/2018 13:10

@gingercat02

It's only on MN that people aren't welcome to just pop in.

You could not be more wrong. Most people I know HATE it.

You are obviously a bleedin' annoying' popper-inner! Hmm

5foot5 · 17/07/2018 13:13

The world is divided between "poppers-in" and "non-poppers-in" and they rarely seem to see the others POV.

Take my MIL and ex-SIL. MIL was not a "popper-in". She had a rocky experience with her own MIL who used to turn up unannounced and had vivid memories of her young married days when DH was a small baby and one day MIL brought several of her friends around unexpectedly because they just happened to be in town that day. Of course it was a day when the flat was in a mess and their was a pile of nappies waiting to be washed and she was expected to run around providing tea and cake for the visitors while being judged for the state of her home. She always vowed she would never put a DIL of hers in that position - and to her credit she never did.

OTOH ex-SIL came from a family who all lived within a few streets of each other and were used to always popping in and out of each others houses. MILs insistence on always calling before visiting BIL/SIL was one of the reasons SIL gave for finding her stand-offish!!

I also grew up in the era before everyone had a phone and we frequently had relatives pop in unexpectedly. Sometimes they had driven a considerable distance to be there. Mum always made them feel welcome and offered a meal but I know it wasn't always convenient. In particular she was irked at the uncle who would drop in unannounced with his wife and four children just before teatime; then after Mum had stretched whatever she had planned to feed us five so that it now satisfied eleven Uncle would insist on carrying DF off to the pub leaving Mum to entertain his wife and children until pub closing time.

In your case OP I think YANBU but I think it is a shame that your DH has so little communication with his own family that they didn't know you were away this week. Would it harm him to pick up the phone at least once a week?

rosesandflowers1 · 17/07/2018 13:15

Oh goodness TinklyLittleLaugh Grin

I thought my mum was bad!

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 13:15

@5foot5 we (DH) pick up the phone every couple of weeks. They pick up the phone maybe once a year, no exaggeration.

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 17/07/2018 13:16

Tbh OP, I was more struck by the fact that they didn't know you were away. Most parents would know when their children were on holiday, even adult ones IME.

Also, they've only been a couple of times and you describe their last visit as 'hard work'. If they had rung in advance, would you have put them off or welcomed them down?

Not sure why it is OK for your child to have a late night on holiday yet if the grandparents come round during the same time period it's not OK without warning though!

Your DH was probably sorry to miss them, especially if they don't make the effort to come to yours very often. I hope they left a lovely present!

bellabasset · 17/07/2018 13:18

I would have posted the present rather than drive a 4 hour round trip on the off chance someone was in.

It is up to DH to build a relationship with his df and his sm and initiate meetings that fit in with your daily life. I would suggest a date to dh where they could visit and stay for a meal and leave it up to him to arrange.

Instead of being guilt tripped laugh it off and say you are welcome to visit but in view of the distance and your busy lifestyle we need to pre-arrange visits. Emphasise that you like to be in a situation to prepare a meal and have time when people visit from a distance.

Alternatively could you meet midway for a meal and catchup?

FabulouslyFab · 17/07/2018 13:19

I live by myself and love it when folk pop in! I do a lot of crafting and have the grandchildren round regularly so my house is never pristine but I hope that it’s me that they come to see!!
Having said that I’m not usually a popper inner ....

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2018 13:26

It's rude and arrogant and you are assuming people have fuck-all else to do, apart from entertaining YOU. Yes, that would be rude. But you are assuming that's the intent. It's more likely that the person is knocking on the door to see if you are in and available, and is quite happy to take "no" for an answer, and that it is merely your assumption that they are expecting you to drop everything.

CoffeeOrSleep · 17/07/2018 13:27

I think there's 2 types of 'pop in-ers' - those who take the risk you'll be free when they are passing, and don't really mind if you aren't able to entertain them/aren't in; and those who expect to be properly hosted, as they are the only ones who get to decide if it's a good time for them to visit you.

OP - that your PILs would drive 2 hours, leave without trying to get hold of you to see if you were near by/home soon, and get huffy with you afterwards for daring to not be available at the point they decided to see you, suggests the latter.

The first lot of poppers are completely fine - can be annoying, as if you aren't a popper and used to visits being planned, then you can feel obliged to host, even if they would be fine with "sorry, not a good time". But the second lot are bloody hard work!

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2018 13:32

I think this is why there's no meetings of minds on this issue. "No unexpected visits" people feel that they have to stop everything and entertain anyone who knocks at their door. So that someone knocking unexpectedly has to be entertained, and therefore it's rude to knock unexpectedly. "Poppers-in" are quite happy to be turned away, or to turn people away themselves, and therefore can't see what's rude about it.

It'll all die down once everyone, of all generations, carries a mobile phone with the numbers of all their contacts on it. We're still in a situation where not everyone carries a mobile, and of those who do, there are still people who have only one or two numbers stored on it, and who do not know how to text.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 17/07/2018 13:34

@MereDintofPandiculation not sure the mobile phone issue is relevant here, given me, DH, and ILs have them, but they chose not to use it Hmm

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 17/07/2018 13:35

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with popping in. But popping in is a couple of minutes thing unless your hosts wants you to stay longer (and you want to stay too). It’s not an obligation on your host to drop their plans in favour of your plans, even if you’re their parent (you lose the privilege to make your kids dance to your tune long before they’ve set up house for themselves).

The trouble with driving two hours to “pop in” is that no-one is going to feel comfortable turning you away without offering you food and drink and a bit of time to recharge, so you impose your plans onto their life without any regard for their wants and needs.

And given that we have all these marvelous communication devices nowadays that would make it so easy to coordinate a mutually convenient time that takes both parties’ desires into account is pretty self-important to avoid doing so.

5foot5 · 17/07/2018 13:36

we (DH) pick up the phone every couple of weeks.

And he didn't think to mention you were going away on holiday! Surely that is exactly the sort of news and chat anyone would exchange with their parents!

So they have only visited you twice in ten years. Could there be other reasons for that? Did you always have a spare room for them to stay in? Do they not usually like driving a long way? Have they recently retired so they have more time on their hands?

I am sort of with you in that I am not a popper in myself and it would not be my preferred method of receiving visitors. However, you do sound a little unwelcoming.