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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:
Marty13 · 22/06/2021 02:26

Didn't rtft but I was really surprised by some of the responses on the first page. Yeah, it's both their child, but she is the one half naked and exhausted. She gets to decide who she wants there.

For the record I have two boys and I'd want to be there for my grandchild's birth, but I'd also understand the mother not being keen to see me right away !

If they were reasonable, a compromise could be they don't enter your room and your DH goes out to see them with the baby, so you don't have to have them in your vicinity when you're tired and vulnerable. But they don't sound reasonable so I wouldn't suggest it, as they're unlikely to respect your wishes and once there would probably just barge in.

They can wait a couple of days until you're home.

Kinneddar · 22/06/2021 02:27

Didn't rtft

If you had you might have noticed the thread is THREE YEARS OLD

Marty13 · 22/06/2021 02:27

Ooops haha zombie thread...

Happyhappyday · 22/06/2021 02:30

100% you get to pick visitors!! YOU are the one who will have just had the major medical event not them!! Would they ask to come visit you moments after a hysterectomy? No!! It’s totally totally reasonable to say you need space.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2021 02:54

#stonebaby

crankysaurus · 22/06/2021 02:56

Yanbu. Childbirth's a big deal for the mother, you get to say who you need support from and who you'd rather visited later, irrespective of all those other in-law issues. Hope it all goes well.

crankysaurus · 22/06/2021 02:57

Didn't bloody look at the dates did I. Can't imagine there will be an update now.

Babyjune21 · 22/06/2021 03:27

With my first my in laws came in about 10mins after I got back from my c section it was a bit much to be honest as much as I love them I had my breasts out and everything I though my father in law was about to pass out there and then haha , sadly my mum died in my arms while I was 32 weeks pregnant she was meant to be my birthing partner along with my husband I just had my 2nd a few weeks ago and his mum and dad weren’t aloud in because of covid it was really nice just being the 3 of us after the birth just finding our feet , I couldn’t of image saying no the first time to his mum and dad coming in no matter how much pain I was in it cut like a burning knife watching them hold my baby knowning my best friend/mother never would but that wasn’t their fault , it’s really just about how you feel but I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it as it will only hurt people just maybe let your dad pop his head in when he’s coming to get your mum , I hope it all works out for yous

BadNomad · 22/06/2021 04:36

Zombie threads are fascinating. The world before Covid. Now you're lucky if your husband can be with you nevermind parents and in-laws.

ittakes2 · 22/06/2021 04:57

His family don't have to see you. Your partner can say you are not up to visitors and take the baby into the corridor to meet them. No one is expecting you to have visitors when you don't want to. The baby is not your's alone and the baby's dad does have a right to introduce his child to his family too.

ittakes2 · 22/06/2021 04:57

Zombie thread

choli · 22/06/2021 05:08

His parents will receive a warmer welcome from you at home where you will be more relaxed.
I wouldn't bet on that.

KatieKat88 · 22/06/2021 05:15

@BadNomad that's exactly what I thought Grin people visiting you in hospital?! What a time to be alive Grin

ittakes2 · 22/06/2021 05:16

Zombie thread

BettysGotMoxie · 22/06/2021 05:32

It doesn't matter who pushed, it's a silly argument used by people who want their own way. A child has two equal parents.

Ofc it matters who ‘pushed’ she is the one who will be bleeding and in pain and feeling extremely vulnerable and utterly exhausted. Ofc she gets to decide who she wants there during those few hours. It’s not a lifetime for goodness sake, just until they get home! 🙄

timeisnotaline · 22/06/2021 05:34

Your choice op. Really we are only talking about the first 12 hours probably. No one meets my baby without me in the first 12 hours. And we don’t let visitors in until I feel able to smile at someone and say hello. In your case perfectly reasonable to see your parents. Both parents are not equally committed at the birth of a child, one is committed one is involved, much like the chicken and the pig for a bacon and egg breakfast.

TaraR2020 · 22/06/2021 05:38

@CosmicCanary

YANBU.

You have just given birth and frankly who you want to visit you is your choice.
The likelyhood is if you have a trouble free delivery you wont be in hospital very long anyway.

Point out to DH you will be tired, feeling vulnerable and in pain so its not fair for him to make you have visitors.
His parents will receive a warmer welcome from you at home where you will be more relaxed.

This, completely.

You're body, your labour, your choice.

Of course, his immediate family need to be a priority but you are quite within your rights to put them off a couple of days or so and this is to be supported. I wouldn't have any other visitors apart from his dd and your parents before them though.

Completely sympathise with the mums of sons here, but its unreasonable to expect you to accept visitors you're not comfortable with. And I'm surprised how much push back you've had here tbh.

Your wellbeing, and that of your child, matters most here op.

Flowers
TiredMummyZZZ · 22/06/2021 06:58

There’s is absolutely no way that I’d have wanted my in laws visiting me in the hospital! I was sore, bleeding, totally spaced out, hadn’t slept and I couldn’t think of anything worse than them swooping in and trying to take my baby off me. Mine was born last May so because of COVID we couldn’t have any visitors anyway but I completely see where you’re coming from. I’d have been fine with my mum coming because she’s my mum but I wouldn’t want my in-laws there while I’m sat in a blood covered bed and feeling really vulnerable. If anyone calls you selfish, so what, it’s not their baby, not their Labour experience and not their choice!

DinosaurDiana · 22/06/2021 07:03

I didn’t want my FIL to visit as he pranced down the corridor talking to everyone and making it all about him.
So for the second one I told DH to tell them not to visit.
They were naffed off but I didn’t care, and my parecame to the hospital.

DinosaurDiana · 22/06/2021 07:03

*parents came

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2021 07:05

@Redglitter

Ffs how do people find these threads to reassurect 🙄
Exactly what I was wondering! 3 years old, ffs.
Aneley · 22/06/2021 07:08

YANBU.
It's one thing to treat GPs differently once baby and mother are home, and completely another in the hours after the birth while still at the hospital. You're the one giving birth - you're the one to decide who gets to be there with you. That day, more than any other, has to be about your comfort and well being as it is difficult enough what you're about to do even without taking all sorts of distractions into account. When he's giving birth - he can have whomever he wants there.

Your mental health and peace are a priority here.

Newmum29 · 22/06/2021 07:20

I find having visitors to the hospital insane. I was so glad covid gave me an excuse not to have my in laws visit even though we get on really well. We were discharged witching 24 hours but even when we got home we waited another 24 before they came to visit. That’s because I felt well enough and was happy to do so. Feeling under duress to do it is a different ballgame and totally unreasonable. I only wanted my partner there and when home visitors were strictly limited to 1-2 hours for the first few weeks.

Grimacingfrog · 22/06/2021 07:22

You don't really want to know what people think, you just want people to agree with you. Not everyone does.

I think you're being really unreasonable. But you'll do what you want because you think you're right. I suspect you're often like that.

Fleetw00d · 22/06/2021 07:34

You're the one who has just had a baby and it's important you feel comfortable. Hopefully you're only in hospital a day or 2 and his family can see you when you're home. With covid are you even allowed visitors other than partners? I had a baby 3 months ago and it was only one birthing partner and only he could then visit for an hour a day during stay in hospital.

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