Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

[BettieAnne]

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

I can totally see where you are coming from, it's such an emotive topic & everyone has an opinion on it!

With DC1, my parents did visit briefly on the day of the birth and we didn't have any other visitors.

I had to reel my DH in a bit the following day as he was asking for others to come and visit e.g. close friends from work etc.
Put my foot down and said no, mainly as I was feeling so dreadful due to poorly managed pain control.

I realised that looking after new baby & managing the ongoing pain/discomfort was more than I could cope with. A part of me felt bad to say no, but looking back it was entirely justified.

I even told a couple of my best friends to stay away (in a nice way!) as I was too uncomfortable to focus on anything else apart from getting my hands on decent painkillers!

His parents live abroad so they were not around on the day/days following the birth.

When the time comes for me, my answer will be very firm and very simple.

"We have no idea how it will go, we'll play it by ear. Fingers crossed it goes well!"

I'm not waking anyone up in the middle of the night to let them know I'm in labour. I'm not going to assume it will go brilliantly or poorly. By default, I would like to only see people at home after a magically painless birth, discharged about 30s later with a baby that sleeps through perfectly straight away and grows up to be a millionaire.

But I have no control about that, and I won't be tied to a plan based on anybody else's wants.

Since my own parents live almost 200 miles away, they can't be there immediately. I expect MIL will have a great deal of common sense in the matter because my fiance was born at 6 months and had two blood transfusions in his first month. I was born without complications in 30m at home.

You can't predict whether you'll be ok with it - so don't let anyone stick you to a plan.

I'm someone who is very self conscious in this sort of scenario, and It's especially hard with in-laws as you have to be 'on it', which after childbirth is the last thing you feel like doing. So I definitely get where you're coming from!

To an extent I think you can call the shots but it depends on how long the ILs would actually have to wait, and how badly THEY themselves want to see the baby (as opposed to DH just wanting them there to show it off).
If ILs aren't desperate and it wouldn't cause any upset with them, I'd just tell DH it'll need to wait until you're home.
If the ILs are itching to see the baby then any more than a day (or two at most) is very unfair. It's their grandchild too, and they're not thinking about how you look, they just want to see the baby and will feel hurt to be left out. It won't do your relationship with them or DH any favours if you're seen to be depriving them of a quick cuddle with their own grandchild. It's a hassle but it is the norm to let GPs visit if they want to.

Just make sure you put a time limit on it (have other 'visitors' lined up to boot them out after 30 mins) and make sure your DH is 'on it' keeping them entertained.
It'll be over before you know it, and the great plus is you then don't have to host them at home and worry about the state of the house!

Unless he is pushing a baby out of his nether regions I am not sure he should get to decide who vists the OP after giving birth.

Exactly. It's not an equal experience unfortunately. Only one partner will be going through childbirth and there is never a guarantee things will go smoothly during the birth or afterwards. His only job really is to try to support her and ensure her comfort. Self appointed advocates for "poor men" whining "but what about his birth experience" is gross.

It doesn't matter what he and his ex did. There's no such thing as precedent here! Stick to your guns, only agree to what you are comfortable with, and as a back up inform your parents of your wishes. If your DP does bundle his family in anyway dump him your parents can tell them you're tired and need to rest.

And congratulations on impending motherhood!

Of course she can pick and choose her visitors! Yes, it is his baby too but it's not him who had to do all the hard work and give bloody birth!
Can women not be allowed to have a choice even on that day?!

I think it's fine to do what you're comfortable with. There's usually two different visiting times I think? My parents came first then dp parents came for the evening one. They live far away so it made sense. You could message them on the day they plan to visit and say you're waiting to be discharged so you'll see them at you're house the following day? A little white lie but saves their feelings and any unnecessary drama. Plus waiting to be discharged can take a full day so you'll be covered for a while.

I was lucky that I had my son at 1am so I got until 12 in the afternoon before seeing anyone. My parents and dp came at 12, his parents came at 4. Maybe you'll be as lucky with the times too. The only bit I didn't like about that was being on my own but I can see now that it gave me time to let the experience sink in a bit and have the baby to myself!

We celebrated Christmas 3 weeks after our son was born. I told my in laws we wouldn't be coming to see them, because I was still bleeding heavily, on antibiotics for infected episiotomy stitches, and still peeing my pants (due to said episiotomy.) they live an hour and a half away. However they were welcome to come to us after the 27th.

You know what they did - the whole family came to see us. MIL and SIL cooked lunch and all the family took it in turns to hold Baby while we were eating. She bought me bath salts for when everything was healed, and chocolates and wine and left us some food in the fridge so we didn't have to cook for a few days

That's why I love my MIL. Because it wasn't about her rights, or her needs, or her wants and demands, or her needing to be absolutely equal to my mum, it was about her loving and looking after me, her daughter in law, the woman who gave birth to the grandchild she adores. And that's why she is in our baby's life.

What I don't understand, you are both willing to expose your child to someone you call abusive. Or is she ?

I think the abusive bit is being over thought / over egged tbh. What difference does that make to situation in hand? As eleven says, that’s a contact/ no contact decision. Not a hospital or home one

I don't understand 'planning' anyone to visit bar hubby before you know the situation.

The wards are cramped busy and hot enough as it is. Mums/ babies are there for medical reasons and need time / energy to recover and concentrate on caring for their newborn.

You have all the time in the world once home to have visitors in a much nicer environment.

I may be shot down but I actually think it's selfish on other patients to have large amount of visitors 'planned' when still in hospital especially when your likely to be home within 24 hours if all goes smoothly.

I do agree, I think the visitor planing is all a bit odd.

I don't think it's fair to your DH. Honestly, it's a little precious.

YANBU OP.

I actually think men that just watched their partner go through hours of labor then spend their time worrying about the order baby is met in and how fast they can get people in there are selfish. Relatives who "can't" won't wait a few hours need to give their heads a wobble. Why are impatient visitor's wants a priority over the recovering mother? Babies are exciting but a little breathing space is not that much to ask.

I could never watch my partner go through pain and indignity, left bleeding/sore/sewn up and whatever else then try and push my parents on them when they were not ready. I wouldn't want to force my company on somebody in that position either. Nobody saw my DNs for a few days after birth, SIL and DB needed the time and we kept any disappointment to ourselves because we understood.

OP just wants the option of a few hours to sort herself out instead of being so vulnerable around people she doesn't even know well!

We are still people after birth not bloody incubators. [skeptical]

I always wonder how men would like to schedule visitors immediately after their vasectomies.

I don't think it's fair to your DH. Honestly, it's a little precious.

I think it's a bit precious to argue with your partner about who gets to see the baby at its most oven fresh when he's not the one who may end up with several stitches in his perineum...

YANBU. You do not have the same relationship with them that you do with your own parents. Stick to your guns.

@KokoandAllBall well said!

Your mum and dad are going to be there either way I get that, so why don't you just ask DP if only his dad can come as they are close and like you said your dad is your best friend most likely the same for your DP.
If he not close to his mum or brothers then they can come see baby when your home, but you could at least let your DP father come it is only fair!

I also don’t understand the fuss some women make on here about hospital visitors after giving birth, I’m presuming no-ones inlaws actually have any interest in examining your vagina/stitches/bleeding etc

I would just never ever do that to DP, we were both so excited to introduce our DS to our parents, they split the visiting hours and came for an hour each. It didn’t affect bonding/togetherness/how I was feeling, it was nothing in the grand scheme of suddenly having a baby!
I sincerely hope DS doesn’t grow up to have to treat me the way some MILs are treated on here.
Unless there’s a huge backstory/drip feed.

I also don’t understand the fuss some women make on here about hospital visitors after giving birth, I’m presuming no-ones inlaws actually have any interest in examining your vagina/stitches/bleeding etc
I don't understand the fuss some people make about spiders. I don't judge them for it though.

I barely made it to the toilet and had blood leaking everywhere. Wouldn't need to get in close to see.

Does it not depend on how long you are there and what the visiting times are too? My DM was one of my birthing partners but DF couldn't come in at 4am when he was picking her up!
Plus we were kept in for 14 days so would you keep them away if this was the case?
I think that I would just keep your mum and Dad the first day and then his parents the next day. It's too much otherwise. All these people turn up at once and after a week or so no visitors at all!

sar that's so wondeful, you are so lucky.

I do hope people with lovely mils treasure them.
My mils friend is warm and loving she told me how she looked after her dil after her birth because her dm couldn't be there.

My heart yearned for her, in that moment I thought why why why can't you be my Mil...

For me motherhood has been a lonely journey I was desperate for someone to share it with which is why I tired to include my Mil.. And got burned over and over and I've again.

Treasure your lovely mils.

I am currently pregnant, and I will not be having the baby’s dad parents at the hospital to visit if I have to stay in.
The woman who gives birth has the right to say no to any unwanted guests at the hospital.
Do whatever makes you comfortable, people have different opinions and reasons why they want both sets of grandparents there but do what you think is best for you!
After having a baby you don’t want to be stressing about his parents coming.
I certainly won’t be having my baby’s dad parents at the hospital at all for whatever reason. They can wait till I come home to see the baby.
Do what you feel is right and best for you!x

@Louise08654

I am currently pregnant, and I will not be having the baby’s dad parents at the hospital to visit if I have to stay in. The woman who gives birth has the right to say no to any unwanted guests at the hospital. Do whatever makes you comfortable, people have different opinions and reasons why they want both sets of grandparents there but do what you think is best for you! After having a baby you don’t want to be stressing about his parents coming. I certainly won’t be having my baby’s dad parents at the hospital at all for whatever reason. They can wait till I come home to see the baby. Do what you feel is right and best for you!x

The thread is almost 3 years old so I’m sure the OP did what she felt was right!!

Ffs how do people find these threads to reassurect 🙄