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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 17/07/2018 07:18

YANBU.

You have just given birth and frankly who you want to visit you is your choice.
The likelyhood is if you have a trouble free delivery you wont be in hospital very long anyway.

Point out to DH you will be tired, feeling vulnerable and in pain so its not fair for him to make you have visitors.
His parents will receive a warmer welcome from you at home where you will be more relaxed.

Newjobnewstart · 17/07/2018 07:21

Sorry his family is just important than yours - either no visitors or both. This is your dhs child as well.

I would be so upset if my ds partner had a child and didn’t let me visit but let her family visit.

Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:22

newjob but it's not about them? My mum will likely be there during the birth anyway, and my dad is my best friend, I want him there with me after. It's not about them seeing the baby and keeping them happy. It's about me and the fact that I feel like I'll want them there

OP posts:
ginandnappies · 17/07/2018 07:23

Agree with @Newjobnewstart you can't let your family come and not his. It's not just your child. I understand where you're coming from but it's not fair.

Oysterbabe · 17/07/2018 07:24

You could be home hours after birth and not have visitors in hospital at all, I was home before visiting hours started. You don't need to make this decision now, see how you feel. You might feel up to visitors and you might not. Setting firm rules now is more likely to make his parents feel shit than if on the day he needs to say to them "Actually she's feeling terrible and not up to visitors"

PepperSteaks · 17/07/2018 07:25

Both sets of parents came to see me and DD. I didn’t even think twice about it. I was in too much shock to care who came through those doors.

NameChange30 · 17/07/2018 07:26

Why are you having a child with him if you don’t know his family very well and don’t feel comfortable around them?

How long have you been together?

CosmicCanary · 17/07/2018 07:27

Sorry his family is just important than yours -

Unless he is pushing a baby out of his nether regions I am not sure he should get to decide who vists the OP after giving birth.
OP is not saying his family cant visit at all she would just rather wait until she was home which will be 3 days or less.

Having visitors after giving birth can be a big strain more so if you do not really know those people or are not comfortable around them especially when you are feeling so vulnerable.

YouTheCat · 17/07/2018 07:27

Sometimes life isn't fair. The person who's had the baby should get the final say on this. Family can meet the baby after a day or so. I don't get this need to have to see the baby right away when the mother has been through however many hours of giving birth. It's just selfish.

SoyDora · 17/07/2018 07:28

Might be a non issue, I was discharged straight from the delivery suite with both mine and home within 6 hours so no visitors in hospital. If it’s a straightforward birth they’re keen for you to not take up a bed in the ward.
Otherwise, you can choose whoever you want to visit you. I’d probably rather have them come to the hospital for half an hour than descend on the house for however long they fancy!

Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:28

So what about when my dad comes to pick my mum up (she's one of my birth partners and an experienced midwife). Does he just not come in knowing his daughter is in there with his grandchild? It just makes no sense. I understand why people think IABU I really do but the baby will still be here a few hours later when they visit me at home and I've had a chance to sort myself out a bit.

OP posts:
glintandglide · 17/07/2018 07:28

I think you have to have them visit. No I didn’t really fancy my in laws seeing me half naked and fainting but it’s their grandchild too (that’s who they really want to see!) and as it happened the birth was very difficult and my DH very much needed their support. It’ll be ok, don’t work yourself up about it now- it won’t matter as much as you think

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/07/2018 07:29

His family is important too. It’s probably their grandchild they’d like to see rather than you tbh.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 17/07/2018 07:29

It doesn't matter who pushed, it's a silly argument used by people who want their own way. A child has two equal parents.

Either both sets come or none. It's not fair to exclude a set of grandparents. Do your partners feelings not count at all or theirs?

Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:30

another because he doesn't speak to his mum much other than when visiting with DD (she was abusive towards him as a kid), his dad he is fairly close too but I don't know him that well as he is an odd and very shy character, nice bloke though, and he's just not that close to his brothers.

Why do I need to know someone's family well to have a child with them?

OP posts:
tryingtocatchthewind · 17/07/2018 07:30

But if yoour Dad is your best friend and you are close to your Mum can’t you understand that your partner might be close to his family and want some support and to share his new baby.
My husband was in bits after the birth of my two. My first was a long labour and my second child ended up in NICU. He needed to phone his parents and see them.

Although I can appreciate it’s hard when you don’t really know them at all. Have you got time to see them a bit more before the birth?

FiestaThenSiesta · 17/07/2018 07:31

Well they’re not there to see you, are they! You don’t want to see them, pretend you fell asleep. They won’t give two shites and take photos with DH and baby and coo over the little one. Job done.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/07/2018 07:32

So you don’t mind if they come later on in the day when you are at home? That sounds ok then. Just don’t make them wait too long if your parents are there immediately.

There are a few of these threads recently. I wouldn’t have dreamt of treating my pil totally differently. As the mother of 3 boys this is a bit of a concern I’ve inherited from mn Sad

TheyCanGoInTheBucket · 17/07/2018 07:32

YANBU. Giving birth is a major physical event for you, you need the support of people who you know and trust. Your parents are there to care for you, his are there to support him yes, but he won't have been under the same physical strain so it's not comparable.

Baby viewing can happen once you're feeling physically well enough. This may be hours, may be days, but you won't know until it happens Flowers

tryingtocatchthewind · 17/07/2018 07:33

Ok cross post, he doesn’t get on with his family that well. He might need some support though

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/07/2018 07:33

Now you say your mil was abusive? Then you might not be unreasonable.

Cherubfish · 17/07/2018 07:33

I don't think you have to let them come. But I do think it would be a nice thing to do and I can see why your DP feels it's unfair. If your baby is a boy, imagine how you'd feel as the MIL in the same scenario.

It's your decision OP. But for the sake of family harmony I'd try to say yes to this if you possibly can.

littlecabbage · 17/07/2018 07:33

There has in the last few days been a whole thread on this subject. I think the majority there felt YANBU as you feel sore and vulnerable after giving birth. See here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3306835-AIBU-to-ask-PIL-not-to-visit-me-hours-after-giving-birth

CosmicCanary · 17/07/2018 07:34

Its amazing isnt it? You pop out a baby and suddenly your needs dont matter anymore Hmm
You must put everyone else first OP despite what you will have just been through.
Grandparents waiting a day or so to see the baby is soooo unreasonable and will cause them life long damage.

StepBackNow · 17/07/2018 07:34

YABU. And selfish. Both sets or none. Your DH needs to put his foot down, his family are just as important as yours.