Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

[BettieAnne]

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

I found it really hard to establish breastfeeding with DC1, and I think it was partly because my ILs were visiting a lot and were clearly uncomfortable with it. They wanted to hold the baby, and couldn't. With my own parents it was easier to say "Right, get out and I'll see you later", but it's hazarded to do that with ILs.

In the hospital I was in, we weren't really allowed to take the baby out of the room, so DH taking him out so see ILs wasn't an option.

You need to do what you're comfortable with, OP. If your DH needs support, then that's a different matter - he can always go to the hospital cafe for a coffee with his parents or a friend if he wants a chat.

As for how I'd feel if my DIL let her parents see the baby and asked me to stay away, I'd understand... why wouldn't I?! Might be a bit sad, but that's not her problem.

I think the Mum should come first within reason.

If it’s jyst about how you physically look, then you need to get over that. Chances are you’ll look fine, and they really have no interest in that anyway.

If it’s because you don’t know them as well as your own parents, you really need to get over that too. This is one if the biggest days of your partners life too.. why should he have to dampen down all his emotions and excitement? He will want to celebrate and also have some support there too.

If the ILs are generally dickheads, then no... they have no right to be there, and you are allowed to say that.

It’s quite a grey area.

Must admit I didn't have any of this BUT , that was because my now ex mil decided herself to wait , until my parents and my nan had been ,
Baby firstborn was born on the Friday and mil visited, with little niece, on the Monday.

OP, if you are only in for a few hours and your parents have seen baby (which by your post they will do) its fair enough to see the in laws when you are at home . Its the baby they are coming to see but if it makes you feel better to see them after a nice bath , hair wash etc then sobeit and best of luck.

And tell him that if he is so keen to replay the birth with his ex then he can fuck off to impregnate her again

I'm with you op! My mum was with me through labour and my absolute rock I had to have a c section so sadly she didn't see my baby being born but she was there straight away after and I loved sharing my journey with my mum!! when I had my baby my mil turned up crying to my mum ( whilst I was having my c section ) because the ex dil wouldn't let her see her other grandchild ( bit of jealously I think but I don't know the full backstory on that one ) I remember coming out of the recovery area and saw her crying thinking it was happy tears and she was all emotional but no she was sobbing over not being able to see the other favourite grandchild.... then rushed off to pick her up for the night! ( so she was actually allowed to see her and have her over night!!! )
I made sure they came to meet my baby before anyone else being the grand parents and now I wish I hadn't because that's the memory I have of them meeting my baby for the first time!! I wish I had let my family come straight away because now those are the ones that bother the most!! Xx

@nearlyfiftyjeez

That’s really bitchy!!

She asked the question because she was uncomfortable and hasn’t been through this before. Your response was aggressive and mean.

It’s her feelings and her baby!!! Her baby is still inside her so right now it’s her baby!! Her hormones are necessary to form an attachment to the child - so for a while it may feel like her baby.

Don’t admonish someone for their feelings.

YANBU

YANBU.
I felt the same, I told my partner and he understood exactly how I felt about it.
There is a difference, you are vulnerable after giving birth and it’s natural to want your own parents around you.
I had my mum there once I was on the ward and my dad came in briefly. My fiancées parents understood and as soon as I was home and up to it we had his parents round. You need to really explain how you feel.

You will have given birth. Not anyone else, so if you want to see your own parents but not someone else's parents that's fine. And perfectly understandable. GPs will have plenty of time for cuddles in the years to come hopefully. It's not going to hurt them to wait a few days.

Why is the concept of supporting a new mum so difficult to understand? What has being fair to gps to do with childbirth and a new baby who will probably either be sleeping or feeding most of the time anyway.

How about your dp takes a video of your new baby and sends it to his parents.

This thread is annoying me. Is it not enough that women gestate a baby for nine months, push it out of our bodies and feed it from our own bodies, often in pain and exhausted, without having to pander to perceived fairness of other people? Give us a break. Put yourself and your baby first. How selfish of anyone to want to impose themselves on you at such a time.

@nearlyfiftyjeez sour grapes?

FYI It's not his first child so you should probably read the op before being so rude.

YANBU OP.
Sorry his family is just important than yours - either no visitors or both. This is your dhs child as well

Your dil will be in hospital not your son. WHo gives a shit if you are upset? Nothing to do with you

@nearlyfiftyjeez totally bitchy and unhelpful. Can't bear those passive aggressive type posts. I have had two children and am pregnant with our third. My dh's family live abroad so we are not that close with them but it doesn't mean I don't care about them or want them to be a part of our children's lives where possible. However, even if they could have come to the hospital I wouldn't have wanted them to and my husband would have completely understood. One wonders whether you yourself have a great deal of compassion or understanding of others' emotions with your nasty little response. We are all different - especially with things like this. No one is entitled to anything in this situation - it's just personal choice.

@nearlyfiftyjeez have you always been so angry? 😳 jesus!

@nearlyfiftyjeez glad you're not my MIL I don't think I would want you to visit... ever dare I say it with an attitude like that towards pregnant women worried about their privacy after birth! Everyone is entitled to their opinion but you just sound like a bitch.

nearlyfifty Wow. What a deluded and mean post. No-one has the right to see a newborn baby. It should have no effect on future bonding or relationships with other family members. It's not so long ago that fathers weren't allowed to be at the birth. In the miraculous event of me having another baby I wouldn't want the father at the birth. Too distracting. I would choose not to feel the need to make or put up with conversation or have anyone else to consider but myself. I would be trying to concentrate on the extremely important immediate matter.

Should family members be present at the conception too or is it selfish and entitled to exclude them?

Can you not decide when the baby is born and see how you feel? There are lots of people coming on here to tell you you’ll be bleeding and exhausted after a traumatic experience - I was fully expecting the same after hearing similar horror stories, but in the event it was nothing like that. I had a straightforward, speedy delivery and felt on top of the world. It might not be as bad as you think. I was happy for people to visit and as Peachgreen rightly says, in many ways it is much easier in hospital where you don’t have to do anything and people can only stay for a limited time, than once you get home. I think it is lovely that you are going to have your mid-wife mum as a birthing partner and that you describe your dad as your best friend, but make sure your DP doesn’t feel like a spare part - it’s his baby too even if it’s not his first. You ought to be able to talk to him about this and ask him if you can play it by ear - see how you feel, see how long you are staying in for and then decide.

Make sure your DP doesn't feel like a spare part? He is a spare part. Why do men have to be catered for even during something that is completely about the woman?

He is a spare part Depends entirely on the DP. If he is such a spare part then I’m not sure why you’d be having a baby with him in the first place. I’m giving the OP’s DP the benefit of the doubt.

He's not going to be a spare part. He's even paid for a private childbirth class with a doula for dads so he can support me! He will absolutely not be a spare part and I've made sure he hasn't been throughout my whole pregnancy so far.

nearlyfiftyjeez

Wow - you sound really entitled. I don't understand the need to put your own wants in place of the mother's needs. Why the race to get to the hospital? Why can't the mother decide when she is up to visitors? I can think of no other inpatient period when people are guilted into accepting unwanted visitors when still covered in blood and with catheters in. I was not even able to shower until 48 hours after delivery.

My parents and inlaws had a wonderful relationship with DD1 despite not being at the hospital directly after the birth. My parents did not meet her until 6 weeks later and MIL met her at 3months.

bettie That's so nice. What I meant but expressed badly, is that technically, strictly speaking the dad is not a necessary part of the birth. Maybe I 've seen too many too many annoying dads on OBEM. I found my dh a distraction as I was worrying about him on top of everything else.

Your wishes should be paramount.

Your DP could begin to support you now by respecting your wishes and advocating for you. Instead of trying to persuade you to do something you think you won't be comfortable with.

I think you're being selfish. They are not there to see you they're there to see their grandchild. I think you're setting your stall out from the start that your family are more important than his.

I hate this whole "they aren't coming to see you, they are coming to see THEIR grandchild" err hello they are coming to see op's CHILD, that trumps grandchild! I really can't stand this thing on here where basically the woman is just a vessel and once the baby is here, it isn't about you, it's all about the baby. Err no. You've just given birth, your body has gone through a huge deal whether it's a straightforward birth or not. I can't get my head around this thing where people must see the baby 30 seconds after you've given birth as it's important every Tom dick and Harry sees the baby. Nope. It's important the woman who has given birth has time to bond with the baby (and the dad) and that she has privacy and time to recover, try to get to grips with feeding etc. This really isn't about other people.

My own experience I didn't have anyone to the hospital either time, I never intended for anyone to visit. First baby I was in labour 24 hours and was exhausted, we didn't actually tell our parents the baby had arrived for 4 hours, we just sat in the delivery suite bonding, it was amazing. My in laws had a go at us a week later about how we hadn't told them for 4 hours, we ignored them. My parents didn't care, they respected the fact we wanted privacy and time as a family.

Second baby I was in labour all night again and exhausted, again we didn't tell anyone for a few hours and we went home 8 hours later anyway so there wasn't chance for anyone to visit.

Back home we were left alone, my parents met both babies first (we called on our way home from the hospital) my in laws it was a couple of days. We didn't discuss when my parents had seen the baby. If I had been kept in hospital longer than 1 night only my parents/sister would have been invited. They'd be there to visit me as much as the baby, my in laws would purely be there for THEIR grandchild and I wouldn't feel comfortable with them there besides. Whoever said you can't have been with your partner very long if you aren't comfortable with his family are ridiculous, I'd been with my husband 12 years when our first child arrived and I'd still not want his parents anywhere near me just after I'd given birth.

Op you call the shots and do whatever you like. Your partner should respect your wishes and support them. Unless he's the one giving birth he doesn't have a say on who comes to see you in hospital.

It’s your vagina, your pain and your vulnerability, so you definitely get to choose who visits you in this state and who doesn’t! When your DH goes through a major medical procedure he can choose who visits him in hospital and who doesn’t.

Just make sure you let them visit quite soon once you’ve recovered so they get to meet the baby.

Grandparents will not suffer anything if they don’t meet their new grandchild within hours of it being born. The baby won’t have any idea who they are at that point anyway! What’s far more important is the relationship they build with the child as they get older.

So sick of women’s feelings being ignored on absolutely everything, especially when theyre in such a vulnerable position!