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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:

Cherubfish · 17/07/2018 07:34

He may not be close to them but he wants them there.

bella2bella · 17/07/2018 07:35

I'd wait until baby is born and then decide. I was home before visiting time with my first so no one came and only my sister with my second - it wasn't planned in advance, just went with the flow. I felt fine after my first and terrible after my second (haemorraghed) and I really didn't want visitors for a bit. I asked my sister to come when my husband went home to see our eldest (didn't have her in to visit either as felt so awful). In principle though, I wouldn't want to start things on the wrong foot so would ask them if you feel up to it.

Original poster

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:35

Sorry I should've mentioned that before. It was emotional abuse. When he did something minor she would cut his cds in half, smash his games console in front of him, tell him he is worthless etc. It isn't the reason I don't want her to visit, it's the reason I don't know her very well. I don't want her to visit because I barely know the woman. She's more than welcome to visit once I get home and so are the rest of his family. I just hate hospitals, am very anxious and self conscious, and would rather just see my mum and dad. Maybe IABU so will give it some extra thought.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 17/07/2018 07:36

Well in general I would say that when making a commitment to someone (eg having a child together or getting married) you are also committing to having some kind of relationship with their family. I would always want to get to know their parents a bit and would find it helpful to understand what influences they had from their parents which might affect their own parenting.

However, since you have now explained that his mother was abusive to him, that makes a huge difference.

You (and he) do not have to have a relationship with them and do not owe them anything.

YANBU to refuse a hospital visit when you will have just given birth and will be feeling vulnerable.

Normal, supportive people, yes (unless the birth was traumatic/difficult and you’re not up to visitors). Abusive people, no fucking way.

I think you and your partner need to do a lot more talking about this. It’s not just about the hospital visit. It’s about how much involvement you are willing to allow them to have in your family’s and child’s life in general.

glintandglide · 17/07/2018 07:36

Also OP, if you have a straight forward birth you might be home in a few hours and won’t have any visitors there. You will probably be in labour for many hours (nay, days!) so very unlikely to need your mum dashing straight to the hospital and all that jazz.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/07/2018 07:36

She sounds awful. What’s their relationship
like now?

Original poster

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:37

My mum will already be at the hospital she is one of my birth partners! My dad will need to pick her up and I can't just leave him outside can I? It just makes sense for them to visit.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 17/07/2018 07:37

It's up to you who sees you half naked and exhausted. You aren't less of a person because you have had a baby.

Original poster

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:38

through they talk when they have to and she sees his daughter when she pops round or he takes her to her house. DP hates her but realises that DSD loves her. This isn't the issue for me though, it's the fact that I'm not comfortable around her and regardless of their history; don't want her visiting.

OP posts:

littlecabbage · 17/07/2018 07:39

YDABU. It is not your partner undergoing a huge physical trauma, it is you. Therefore you should only see people who you feel comfortable with seeing you in that state.

Your baby is not an exhibit. You and your baby are a unit together.

Returnofthesmileybar · 17/07/2018 07:39

I totally disagree with other posters about his family being just as important, I mean they are just as important from when you recover on and for the future but not in hospital no way. You are a patient in hospital, you don't have to be uncomfortable lying in a bed tired, sore, emotional and bleeding and have to be uncomfortable with visitors so you can be seen to be fair! Fuck that!

Yes I think if you want to be fair you could welcome them the day after you get home, have no other visitors at the time and allow them a bit of time, that would be nice if you are up to it but while you are a PATIENT in hospital then no you don't have to be uncomfortable because grown adults can't wait a day or two

NameChange30 · 17/07/2018 07:40

Oh and you are going to get lots of “YABU and selfish” responses from people who only read your first post and didn’t bother reading the others.

The abuse is relevant because it explains why your partner isn’t close to his parents and why you don’t know them well and wouldn't feel comfortable with them visiting you.

treaclesoda · 17/07/2018 07:40

I've never understood this mumsnet obsession with not having visitors. Half the world turned up at my bedside, including the chief executive of the company I worked for at the time (laden down with gifts). I just thought it was really kind that they cared. If my in laws hadn't bothered their arses to visit their grandchild I don't think I'd ever have forgiven them for their lack of interest.

Obviously its your choice as to whether you accept visitors or not but if you hope that your grandchild has a good relationship with your partner's family (and who wouldn't want that?) it would pay dividends to start by allowing them to meet the baby in the same timeframe as allowing your own family to meet him/her.

Feb2018mumma · 17/07/2018 07:41

I hadboth sets, my parents travelled for 2 hours for the first hour and a half visiting and told parents in law to come for second hour and a half visiting as they live close. They ended up coming whole time, hogging baby, I asked them to support his head but nope they knew best. There are only photos of them with baby in hospital none of me or my parents. I spent an hour of their visit crying in hospital toilet as they were so selfish with the baby and I was bleeding so much. Obviously anyone who has seen my posts probably already guessed MIL asked if I had weighed myself! YOU do what YOU want. Don't let anyone say fairness is more important than you bonding with your own baby.

DayKay · 17/07/2018 07:42

It’s totally up to you who sees you straight after the birth.
Giving birth is quite a major deal and really, you don’t know how you’ll be physically and emotionally.
If you don’t want people there that you don’t know, then I think that’s fine.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 17/07/2018 07:43

Honestly, after you have given birth, you won’t give two shits about what you look like. It’s the last thing on your mind.
I hate these “ah well he hasn’t given birth so he gets no say” threads. He is your partener, the father of your baby and you love him, he will be so in love with the baby and so proud, it’s natural he’ll want to show baby off to his family. Don’t deny him this. See how it goes anyway, my Dparents and his Dparents waited for a phone call to come down to the hospital. His actuallunareived first as they lived nearer.

Loopytiles · 17/07/2018 07:44

YANBU.

“It doesn't matter who pushed”. It certainly does matter. Lots of sexist posts on this thread. Dismissive of womens - often difficult - physical and emotional experience giving birth

A man in hospital would not be considered U for wishing to see his parents but not his in laws.

It’s not long at all for DP’s family to wait to see the baby at home.

You mention that DP’s mother was emotionally abusive to him. IMO that means she’s unsuitable to be alone with DC. Your DP may have issues with fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), which could affect your relationship too. You’ll need to have “boundaries” for your DC.

treaclesoda · 17/07/2018 07:44

Ok, abusive mother is something different entirely. (And it's not that I hadn't read subsequent posts when I posted, it's that they only appeared whilst I was typing).

But if his mother was abusive I wouldn't want her to have any relationship with the baby at all, so my previous post no longer stands.

NameChange30 · 17/07/2018 07:44

“if you hope that your grandchild has a good relationship with your partner's family (and who wouldn't want that?)”

Oh I don’t know, maybe someone who knows their partner’s family is abusive?!

NameChange30 · 17/07/2018 07:44

Sorry treacle cross post!

LunaTrap · 17/07/2018 07:45

YANBU. You are the patient and this is one of the times where things aren't 'equal.' Why should you be denied the support of your parents? They will also be there to see you, their daughter, to make sure you are ok. And not just enter the hospital room of someone they don't know well, who doesn't feel comfortable with them, who will be exhausted, bleeding, possibly in pain, to look at their baby. Why do patient rights go out of the window just because you've given birth?

Loopytiles · 17/07/2018 07:45

“He is your partener, the father of your baby and you love him, he will be so in love with the baby and so proud, it’s natural he’ll want to show baby off to his family. Don’t deny him this.”

So you argue that a man’s wishes to “show baby off” take priority over a woman’s NEEDS for recovery, privacy and the earliest mothering. Sexist.

glintandglide · 17/07/2018 07:47

OP I meant ahe’ll Have plenty of time to come over to your house and go to hospital with you. But to be fair, it’s not the seeing before the birth that’s important, it’s the excluding of his parents after. Haven’t you considered him at all? It’s his baby too!

spugzbunny · 17/07/2018 07:47

I don't think anybody should be there just after the birth to be honest! That's a really special time that I got to spend with my OH and our new baby. I was also unconscious for a lot of it!

After the first 8 hours or so you'll have had a wash, cleaned and dressed baby and had a snooze. Personally I gave birth at 3pm and waited until the next day to allow any visitors as I wasn't even on the ward until 8pm and I needed some rest.

Once you do allow visitors I think you need to remember that your OH is 50% of this baby and his family are equally as valid as yours. It's not fair to allow your parents and not his.

peppapoops · 17/07/2018 07:48

There's another thread like yours op and you're going to get lots of twatty replies about being "precious" these days and lots of other bollocks about fairness.

Frankly you're the one giving birth, it's completely your choice. You're the patient. Your DP has no say whatsoever or right to push you into anything.

I'm doing the same with dc2 this time around. I just wanted to hide away for days after dc1 and there's nothing wrong with that. Good luck x

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