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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:
Pixxie7 · 22/06/2021 07:34

I think it depends on how long you are in for, it maybe because of COVID they won’t be able to anyway.
However they are the babies grandparents so to keep them at arms length seems a bit unfair and it maybe harder once you’re home.

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/06/2021 07:36

I was waiting for the 'because of COVID' response.
Three years ago people.

Fairyliz · 22/06/2021 07:40

Blimey my DC’s are in their 20’s but even in those days you were thrown out in a few hours.
I would imagine in Covid times you don’t even make it to a ward but are sent home from the delivery suite.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 22/06/2021 07:50

The date posted on OPs needs to be a flashing neon sign to give the fuckwits who resurrect these zombie threads a chance at least.

georgarina · 22/06/2021 07:55

WTF at the replies on here. Even if the thread is old the situation is the same - OP has just given birth. OP decides who comes to visit in hospital.

For people talking about fairness - is it fair she just had to push a baby out of her body and DP didn't?? She gets final say.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/06/2021 07:57

You are the patient. Your choice. You are not some sort of baby incubator who does not matter.

Lalliella · 22/06/2021 08:04

They are all your baby’s grandparents and should matter equally. Let his parents come and his DD of course, but no-one else.

Lalliella · 22/06/2021 08:04

Bah zombie!

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/06/2021 08:11

When I had my first child, I had her 9 weeks early via a very scary emergency c section. I came round from recovery to my ex's mum, step-dad and step brother there. Not what I wanted but to be honest, but he needed his mum there as it was v traumatic and I didn't really have the energy to care. I looked horrific, was in a lot of pain and there was no baby to see as she was in SCBU.

Eviethyme · 22/06/2021 08:11

I wouldn't want people who arnt my family to see me after I had just popped a baby out and look like crap. My mum is fine but no one else

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 22/06/2021 08:17

For those saying it needs to be fair

The baby is not “in” hospital for its benefit ( well we all hope that will not be the case). It is the Op that needs to be in hospital to ensure she has recovered enough to go home. It is her body that is going through birth and needs time to ensure she has no issues, and she has some control over her bodily functions.

She is not there for other people to bond with the baby- there’s a good chance she won’t bond with the baby by the time she leaves either. Not that long ago the father would’ve only been allowed into ward for visiting time-and I suspect that some mothers would have preferred that too.

Her own mother is there for a reason to support her during the birth. As a midwife a lot more useful than the dad! She’ll be doing a job and not there as a “visitor”. Her dad then will be also doing a job to drive mother in and out, and his primary concern will be for his daughter not grandchild in the first instance. So, it is not the same at all. The ILs primary concern will be for the baby.

For that reason her wishes on who she wants to visit her at that time are paramount. The baby is secondary to this as it is simply a case of where she is, the baby needs to be too.

When she gets home, the other visitors can be hosted by Dad. Then if she feels like it she can duck out of actually seeing anyone and get a few minutes peace and quiet or sleep while the baby is passed around by Dad and meets everyone. Those ILs can also be given jobs to do then like some cooking, shopping etc to make them feel involved.

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 22/06/2021 08:18

Oh, and for those saying dad needs support from his parents too…absolutely..they can do that in his own home, the pub or wherever while op is in hospital.

Onceuponatime1818 · 22/06/2021 08:20

You’re clearly made your decision so unsure of the reason to post really.

I would try and treat both sides equally, as you’ll never know when you might need your in laws etc

notanothertakeaway · 22/06/2021 08:20

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

diddl · 22/06/2021 08:21

Another bloody zombie FFS!

weekendbreak101 · 22/06/2021 08:26

One of my friends was put in a similar position. Her husband is from a HUGE family with loads of siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins etc who all wanted to visited her in hospital straight after the birth. My friend had a traumatic birth, last thing she wanted was all the visitors (except husband). The family wouldn't take her hints so in the end she ended up asking the staff on the hospital ward to turn away unwanted visitors!

FuckyouCovid21 · 22/06/2021 08:29

Why the fuck do these get resurrected - it's not like it was a particularly funny, entertaining or one off topic

Kacha30 · 22/06/2021 08:31

When is baby due? Are extended family visitors even allowed now?

Given that you've just given birth I feel that it's your choice to say who comes and who doesn't. If there's no complications new mums and babies get released pretty quickly anyway so no great need for hospital visits imo. Saying I don't think it's fair to say your parents can but they can't. I would just say no hospital visits by either set of parents period and they just see baby at home.

When I had my babies by c-section I was in for a day so I did have visits. I remember my sons dads mum turning up being all in my face and taking photos of me. It was really awkward as I was no longer with her son and I didn't know her well.

With Dd with my partner his mum and mums partner turned up not long after I had her. They turned up when I was still in recovery (was in recovery much longer than anticipated). I felt really awkward and still had no feelings in my legs, was bleeding more than I should have been and vomiting violently. They didn't stay for long but I remember feeling particularly awkward with his mums partner there as I didn't know him well as he was always working away and Only met him a handful of times, didn't feel as bad with his mum there who I knew well.. My family visited when I was back on the ward which wasn't as bad but they stayed for a while and I remember just wanting to rest and have time alone with baby!

It's always your call being the one who's just given birth of course. But I would tread lightly when saying that your parents can visit but not his. I do get it though! My mum got in a huff because dp's mum visited before her. Sometimes families are awkward and you need to put yourself first!

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/06/2021 08:32

I’m surprised how many people say relatives have the right to visit. Surely the visit is meant to be helpful to the person in hospital? Why not let her wait till she’s feeling ready?

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/06/2021 08:36

Does it matter that this is a ‘zombie thread’? People often look up existing threads rather than start one themselves. The comments are still relevant.

ancientgran · 22/06/2021 08:37

I think it is hard, I have sons with children and it does get hard sometimes when the GPs on the father's side are "second class" and that is how it feels. Things like I was good enough to pick GC up from nursery/school, have them when mum wanted a weekend away and do childcare in school holidays but when tickets for school plays are limited the other GPs get them. With both families they seem to like the fun bits but not the slog.

I can understand why some GPs in my situation do less and of course then you will get DIL on here saying his parents just aren't supportive. My DsIL to acknowledge how much I do.

I hope my DD has children as it would be nice to feel more included and to be honest less used. I hope if it happens I am more generous to the other GPs than my counterparts have been to me e.g. first GC on both sides, her mum allowed at hospital day baby is born but I'm not which wasn't an issue as I still had kids at school so couldn't just drop everything. When she finds out when I'm visiting when they are home she makes sure she is there half an hour earlier, is holding baby and won't give him up.

My ILs didn't visit me in hospital, and back then you were in for 7 days with a first baby, they already had alot of GC and their DDs kids were always very close to them, their first GC so understandable. I can't remember being that bothered but then his dad did collect me from the hospital, we didn't have a car, so they helped when needed.

If you are in for a short time, as people tend to be now, then as long as you are happy to see them soon it shouldn't really matter although it is easier to limit the length of the visit in hospital so do think of that, you won't want them arriving first thing and staying till bedtime and it is hard to throw people out if they don't take a hint.

Good luck it is a minefield.

ancientgran · 22/06/2021 08:38

Oh dear, didn't see it was a zombie thread. Hope it all went well.

supermoonrising · 22/06/2021 08:41

I think it’s totally unnecessary for anybody to “visit” anyone who is in hospital to give birth unless the really want to be visited. They can visit the baby when the baby gets home in a day or two.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 22/06/2021 09:05

Jesus I hope this poor woman stuck to her guns and didn't have her in laws. I'm sorry to say that I don't think the mum and dad are equal in the moments after a baby is born. I was definitely more important than DH when I'd just had a giant child cut out of me. I'd have never forgiven him if his parents had turned up while I was covered in blood with a bag of my piss on the side of the bed and feeling so out of it. And as for him taking the baby away from their mum to show it off to his family? What the actual fuck? Not even the midwives took my baby anywhere out of my sight.

Sacredspace · 22/06/2021 10:24

My mother-in -law (who is a very difficult woman and disliked me) was somehow in the delivery room when I was in advanced labour. I know most people say they don’t care at that stage, but I did, it was humiliating.

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