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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 22/06/2021 10:47

So many missing the point. She is well aware it is his baby too. This is about her not wanting someone who isn't her blood family to see her looking tired, emotional, messy etc.

Mum's wishes trump everyone.

tallduckandhandsome · 22/06/2021 11:35

To all the people saying it's his child as well - he's not the one giving birth!!

ZZBAV · 22/06/2021 11:51

You are not being unreasonable at all. I had a longer stay in hospital with both my children so I did have all sets of parents visit but that was exhausting and I’d have been better just waiting until I was home. If you have a long stay or something then you might reconsider as at least in hospital visiting ends and you can chuck people out. In my experience most people become completely selfish when someone has a baby and at that point it isn’t about visitors and a photo op. There is plenty of time for that when you’ve had a wash and a breather!

Bella43 · 22/06/2021 12:10

Sorry OP but I think his parents should be able to visit too. It probably won't even be for long and they'll only have eyes for the baby anyway. I know it's not nice having people see you when you're not feeling your best. On the plus side it'll give you a little break. They could be holding and fussing the baby while you speak to your midwife or partner about things like feeding, bathing, changing arc

It may be better to get the visit out of the way at the hospital. You'll have loads of visitors when you get home. Make the most of being in hospital and having set mealtimes. At home, I had visitors flocking morning, moon and night from the off. I skipped loads of meals because of it. Watch out for that. If I could've had my time back I wish I'd got my husband to get a loaf of bread on so I could've at least had toast or sandwiches in between 'hosting.'

Bella43 · 22/06/2021 12:17

Gah! Just realised this thread is 3 years old!!! Beware people 🙈

ancientgran · 22/06/2021 13:14

I'm a bit horrified that people are expecting to be covered in blood and gore when they have visitors. When I had mine I had the opportunity to wash and put on a clean nightie when I went back to the ward with baby. Doesn't that happen now.

I think I even brushed my hair.

ancientgran · 22/06/2021 13:15

@tallduckandhandsome

To all the people saying it's his child as well - he's not the one giving birth!!
Wow that's amazing news. I bet none of us knew that.
SummerBreeze1980 · 22/06/2021 13:18

It is up to you who you have visit. However if people visit it will be on the ward. You won't be a mess then (will have had a shower etc) and neither will your baby be covered in all sorts. Any blood/discharge will have been wiped off. Also you may not go to the ward but be discharged straight from the delivery suite after a few hours. That's what happens here, anyway.

crosstalk · 22/06/2021 13:22

@Bella43

Yes, a 3 year old Zombie but It would good to hear how this issue was resolved..

I'm one for saying family keep out apart from husband. And as a new mother you have the right to say to anyone you don't come unless invited.

When was this ever a thing? who are these families demanding to be first to see/cuddle/put pix on line? They seem utterly selfish and self-obsessed.

Lipz · 22/06/2021 13:24

THIS THREAD IS THREE YEARS OLD
THE BABY IS WELL DELIVERED

LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2021 13:40

Dependant on when you are due - I think alot of this will be immaterial anyway as most hospital wards are pretty tight on visitors currently and I would be surprised if your dad or his DD were allowed in let along a bus load of visitors.

Personally I would say that in the delivery suit you do not want extra visitors - when my 6 year old was born the only people who were allowed in the delivery suite were my birthing partner and my mum who brought my older DC in to meet sibling - and they were only allowed in as there was a delay to getting me to the ward.

If you end up transferred to the ward then that is the time for visitors. The staff will have you sorted out before you get there so you are presentable and you can use the visiting times to control the amount of time people are there - keeping it down. If you do not go to the ward then they can visit at home.

Flamglimglubberty · 22/06/2021 13:45

I hate this attitude that as soon as the mother has pushed out the sprog that she no longer matters and doesn't get a say in her own care.

The mother is a patient, having undergone a procedure. Even if it's a straight forward natural birth it's still a medical procedure. This sounds blunt and awful but quite frankly at this stage the father is a visitor. He doesn't get a say who is at the mother's bedside.

You wouldn't invite the in laws round to your recovery if you had your wisdom teeth out so why is this any different?

OP YANBU, you've been very accomodating by saying they can visit at home within a few days.

As the patient you should get the final say who is at your bedside. If this happens to be your own parents then your partner needs to just put up with it and respect your wishes. His parents won't lose any bonding time by waiting a few days, the baby isn't going to know either way.

tallduckandhandsome · 22/06/2021 13:49

@ancientgran

Wow that's amazing news. I bet none of us knew that.

Happy to help! Smile

No one has a right to decide this except OP.

tallduckandhandsome · 22/06/2021 13:49

Albeit a zombie Op.

contrary13 · 22/06/2021 14:06

When I gave birth to my youngest, after 24 hours in hospital (but only 82 minutes in active labour, thank goodness!), I was exhausted, in shock, and actually vomited over my (thankfully towel wrapped) newborn due to too much gas and air.

Taking all of this in, my ex (who'd missed the birth because he'd gone home to bed... following a lengthy nap in his car and general uselessness) leaned over and said: "My mum's in the waiting room - she wants to come in and take some photos of [baby]!"

It was 3 o'clock in the morning for one thing, I was reeling, and his mother and I have never gotten along well. The fantastic midwives (who were pissy with my ex for his disappearing act whilst I was being induced) said "no" before I could.

Every other grandchild my ex-MIL has, however, I've been shown the photographs of as literal newborns. She's muscled her way into delivery rooms for all three DILs and both of her actual daughter's pregnancies/births. Whether they wanted her there... or not. I'm the only one who said "are you fucking joking?!" and refused. My son? Is her eldest grandchild.

If you don't want them there... then you make sure the staff know this. They'll support your wishes over those of your in-laws. Flowers

contrary13 · 22/06/2021 14:07

Oops. Just realised this is a zombie thread. Hmm

LadyPoison · 22/06/2021 14:09

Mothers of sons really do get the shitty end of the stick don't they?

crosstalk · 22/06/2021 15:22

@LadyPoison

This is a Zombie thread. Mothers of sons BTW don't get the shitty end of the stick unless they behave in the way this woman appears to have done.

DILS and DDs have a right to refuse people they don't want at birth or just after. It seems to be a recent thing - my DM only came when she was asked. Which was not just after birth but later when I felt comfortable. And she didn't demand a cuddle/to take photos. My very DMil could only visit much later (far away, health problems, didn't drive).

GrolliffetheDragon · 22/06/2021 15:46

If you end up transferred to the ward then that is the time for visitors. The staff will have you sorted out before you get there so you are presentable

Will they? Didn't happen with me and DS 8 years ago. I don't think they'd have even pointed out anything that wasn't 'presentable'.

And I wouldn't have wanted my in-laws there, despite getting on with them fine. I was ill, scared, in a lot of pain and then in shock and still a fair amount of pain. I'm a very private person and found being on a ward for days really difficult, with the curtains constantly being swept open and left open even when I was trying to breastfeed during visiting. I couldn't have taken more people around me.

My in-laws were really lovely and waited until we were out of hospital.

Diamondnights · 22/06/2021 16:04

@ginandnappies

Agree with *@Newjobnewstart* you can't let your family come and not his. It's not just your child. I understand where you're coming from but it's not fair.
Of course you can, you will have just gone through a massive physical event. It's not the same as divying up Christmas lunches.

Don't have anyone there you don't feel comfortable with.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/06/2021 16:09

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn

It doesn't matter who pushed, it's a silly argument used by people who want their own way. A child has two equal parents.

Either both sets come or none. It's not fair to exclude a set of grandparents. Do your partners feelings not count at all or theirs?

Yes, it does. The mother is the patient. She, not the father, is the one in the vulnerable situation and who is probably exhausted and in pain. Therefore, what she says, goes.

The paternal grandparents are not being excluded from seeing the child; that is ridiculous. The whole argument that all must be equal no matter what the difference in circumstances is childish.

In these specific circumstances, the position of the mother is different from that of the father and she takes precedence. We are talking merely days. The newborn isn't going anywhere, there will be time for all grandparents to form a bond.

OP, I'd stick to your guns. It isn't much to ask.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/06/2021 16:10

Oh. Zombie thread got me.

Why do people resurrect these?

diddl · 22/06/2021 16:16

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Oh. Zombie thread got me.

Why do people resurrect these?

Why indeed??!!
ancientgran · 22/06/2021 16:19

I assume someone has a similar issue and did a search and didn't check the date.

KeyWorker · 22/06/2021 16:35

You’re not a vessel to deliver them a new grandchild for fucks sake. You will be the patient OP, you should only have visitors who are going to support you and who are there for you. You shouldn’t be having visitors who are only there to satisfy their own selfish need to see the baby, they can wait until you are home for that. All this ‘it’s got to be fair’ bullshit pisses me off. When your DP is the patient he can decide who visits him.