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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:
glintandglide · 17/07/2018 08:59

It’s funny you should say that Peppa I had almost exactly the same birth experience as Ohnami yet I still think the OP should treat DPs parents in a similar fashion to hers.

The idea of phoning them up and telling them directly they can’t come because she doesn’t want them (which is what she’ll have to do) is unnecessarily dramatic and hurtful.

ittakes2 · 17/07/2018 09:00

When these sorts of threads come up - the woman's main concern is being seen half-naked and uncomfortable - fair enough - then I don't get why it's not an option for the family to see the baby for 5 mins without the mum. I had twins and an emergency C and 2 litres of blood transfused and I was in ICU for 24hrs and then in the hospital for a week. No big deal hubby taking the baby out of the room for a few minutes (the other was in the baby care unit) so his family could be part of the excitement. No one minds waiting to see the mum - it is the baby/ies they want to see.

Blinkingblimey · 17/07/2018 09:01

Absolutely no one in my direct family (parents/many sibligs!) would ever dream of turning up to visit a new baby in hospital (unless specifically invited after the event when the mother’s decided if she’s up to it)....after my first my cousin’s wife randomly appeared, I was still in shock after a terrible birth and couldn’t even remember her name - she left sharpish!

coffeeforone · 17/07/2018 09:01

I think YABU to treat your in-laws differently to your own parents.

Either allow them both or neither. You could be in for a night or longer and it's a bit unfair that one set of grandparents gets to meet their grandchild days sooner because you have forbidden the other set.

babyboomersrock · 17/07/2018 09:03

As for people wonder why their in laws arn't as interested in their children as their daughter's children - words fail me.

Such nonsense. I see my grandchildren all the time. It doesn't matter whether I saw them first or had to wait a few days.

Who needs the sort of grandparent who loses interest so easily?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 17/07/2018 09:03

Oh, they can wait until you're ready.

Not an unkindly long time, but a few days at least. I mean grandchild probably going to be on earth for 100 years so no rush.
In this particular case it is very clear that OP's OH is NOT needing "support" from his nearly estranged family, this is some bollocks about theoretical "fairness" that will serve no-one well in the future.

Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 09:04

@ittakes2 I'll have just given birth and don't want it to turn into a circus, to show baby off. I know full well that if DP takes baby away for '5 minutes' to meet his dad, brothers, mum, and whoever else will likely turn up with them, it'll be much longer than 5 minutes. My baby is not a toy to be shown off. Maybe I would like to be there to experience it with them too and see DPs face when he sees his dad meet his new baby for the first time? I may not be close to them but I don't think this is the right way (for me anyway) to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 09:05

@coffeeforone should I also invite my MIL to be my third birth partner then? Or send my mum away just before baby is born so she doesn't get a glimpse before MIL?

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 17/07/2018 09:06

I think YABU to treat your in-laws differently to your own parents.

The OPs parents raised her. They were in her life from the second she was born.
The OP barely knows her inlaws and is not comfortable around them. This us not about fairness its about what the woman who has just given birth us comfortabke with.
She is not a preforming seal there to be viewed and niether is the baby.

glintandglide · 17/07/2018 09:07

OP I dont really understand your conundrum. You don’t want them there, you don’t want to reconsider, phone them now and tell them they are not to come under any circumstances. Don’t expect your DP to do it for you.

pleasegotowork · 17/07/2018 09:08

DH's siblings and their families visited at the hospital the day after my first child was born. Whilst I was tired, it was fine as there are defined visiting hours. My mam was recovering from bypass surgery so didn't see ds until the day I left hospital and we brought him to see her and my dad. My in laws sent flowers to the hospital and then visited the day we got home (3 days old) and to be honest it was torture. I had horrendous painful piles and found sitting so difficult. My stitches were really sore. Then they stayed for far too long and had to have tea made for them etc.

To be honest, it's far far easier to have visitors at the hospital. I don't know how long you'll be in hospital - when ds was born it was 3 days for me- but you could say no to visitors on the first day (although my sister and aunt and my best friend came that day and I was so thrilled to see them.) Then get the visitors over with at the hospital.

TillyTheTiger · 17/07/2018 09:08

I can't believe the replies on this thread. In hospital I was shellshocked, catheterized, incredibly sore, sweaty, unbelievably exhausted, passing blood clots the size of tennis balls, had burst blood vessels in my eyes and cheeks from pushing, and had a ravenous newborn on my breast non-stop. I wanted my Mum and my husband and I would have hated to see my in-laws in that state, much as I love them! They visited at home the day after we came out of hospital and it was lovely. They have a great bond with DS so I don't think a 48 hour delay in meeting him had any impact.

OhMeOhMy1234 · 17/07/2018 09:09

I'm due in December and won't be having any visitors in hospital (apart from DP, obviously). Women are discharged so quickly now, even after c sections you're likely to only be there for a day or so. I'd much rather have visitors at home, when I'm comfy, showered, had a decent meal and maybe a nap.

If (god forbid) anything goes wrong and I/the baby have to stay in for longer, I'll reassess. But straightforward birth, you'll be out in less than 24 hours so there is really no need for any visitors IMO.

coffeeforone · 17/07/2018 09:10

@coffeeforone should I also invite my MIL to be my third birth partner then? Or send my mum away just before baby is born so she doesn't get a glimpse before MIL?

If your mum is your birth partner then of course she will meet her grandchild first. But in this case I don't think it would harm to let the other set of grandparents in shortly afterwards, and not make them wait potentially days.

WhatToWear12345 · 17/07/2018 09:11

OP just a quick one about your dad visiting - it might be different in your hospital but when I gave birth my Dad wasn't allowed to pop in and see us when he came to pick my Mam up. Anyone other than baby's dad or sibling could only come during visiting hours.

Wishiwascrafty · 17/07/2018 09:12

I’m always astounded by the ‘it’s not fair’ camp on these threads.

At christenings and birthday parties etc there should be equal consideration given to both sets of parents. Because no one has gone through a physically traumatic event requiring them to be largely naked and in pain in order for them to happen.

Labour on the other hand, particularly given that there’s no way of knowing how straightforward it will be, is a ridiculous thing to expect people to brush aside for the sake of another adult’s ego.

Personally I had both sets of grandparents visit pretty soon after delivery but I had two easy vaginal births and pretty normal parents and in laws.

OP there is no reason why you should be expected to see anyone you’re not comfortable with after giving birth. You are not just a vessel for the child’s delivery!

SoyDora · 17/07/2018 09:14

Yeah, your dad wouldn’t have been allowed to ‘pop in’ at our hospital either, unless you were settled on to the ward and it was visiting hours.

QueenofmyPrinces · 17/07/2018 09:14

I think it’s incredibly unfair when woman say they don’t want the in-laws visiting but are happy for their own parents to come.

Visitors aren’t coming to see you OP, they are coming to see the baby. Your in-laws have exactly the same right to see their grandchild as your parents do.

YABVU.

I have got two sons and if I was treated like this, like a second rate grandparent, I would feel very upset.

When I had my children I had my in-laws there at the same time my parents came and I would NEVERTHELESS have banned them but not my parents, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to do such a nasty thing.

If I had have done I can’t imagine how upset it would have made my husband.

Did I look like shit? Of course I did but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t meet their grandchild but mine could.

I doubt very much anyone will care how you look they will just think you’re bloody amazing for giving birth to their grandchild.

sar302 · 17/07/2018 09:16

Don't be guilted by strangers on the internet. After birth, I was basically semi conscious, catheterised, desperately trying to establish breastfeeding, having not eaten, drunk or slept for 4 days. I genuinely like my in laws, but I didn't want anyone there apart from my husband.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/07/2018 09:16

Sorry if I missed this in the thread, but is there a reason why you think/know you're going to be in hospital for a significant amount of time? Of the people I know who've given birth recently only one stayed in for even approaching 24 hours (after an emergency C-section). I gave birth at 10pm and went home at 10am the next day - and it would have been quicker if I'd given birth earlier in the day - so there wasn't really any question of hospital visitors. Obviously if you know now you'll be having a C-section or there's a known complication it's different, but they generally seem pretty keen to get you out quite fast.

Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 09:17

Dad is allowed to visit. Unless I am transferred to hospital and he won't be allowed to. In this case then I have no choice which is fine and out of my hands. But if I do stay in the MLU then yes he can visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 09:19

I know I will be in hospital for a bit longer than many as baby needs a little extra precautionary monitoring afterwards. Baby will stay with me but I will be in for at least 6 hours after the birth. This is due to something seen on the anomaly scan. Likely nothing but a few rare things it could be so need to be sure.

OP posts:
MissEliza · 17/07/2018 09:19

You're the patient so you get to decide. You need to feel relaxed and comfortable.

diddl · 17/07/2018 09:20

"Visitors aren’t coming to see you OP, they are coming to see the baby. Your in-laws have exactly the same right to see their grandchild as your parents do.!

That's exactly why they shouldn't be there then as Op is the patient & as such gets to decide who visits her.

Pinklittle · 17/07/2018 09:20

I worried so so much about people visiting us after the birth of our baby, more so than anything else if the truth be told. We went along the route of asking all the new grandparents to come and visit us in hospital at the same time, this way no one felt left out and everyone had a hold and a cuddle but in an allocated time frame :) we then asked for a couple of days when we got home to bond as a family of 3 and then invited them all around again a couple of days later. It suited us it's not for everyone, I wish I hadn't stressed myself out so much about visitors as everyone was so respectful and waited for us to say it was ok to come over which was lovely and we welcomed. Do what you think is best for you that's all you can do xx