Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

[BettieAnne]

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

I said no visitors in hospital (although FIL came anyway) but in hindsight I wish I'd let them all come then and then banned them for a week when we got home. Hospital was the easy part, to be frank - the real recovery started when I got home and I wish I'd cocooned myself and my DH with the baby and no visitors. Plus in hospital they can only stay a certain length of time and they don't make your house a mess!

Can you tell your mil that you’ll invite them round for a celebratory coffee as soon as you’re home from hospital? Don’t mention your mum or dad at all. If your parents are going to be at the hospital anyway you might as well let them pop round to see you and the baby, if you’re comfortable with it. I don’t think it should be a competition on who gets to see the baby first. The baby will be new and small for ages so I’m sure your mil won’t miss out on anything even if she sees the baby a couple of days after birth.

My mother in law and her husband came to see us about 6 hours after the birth and I wasn’t thrilled about it as I like to keep myself to myself, but I like her and I know she respects me and they were very quick (and brought pizza!) and had a cuddle with the baby whilst I had a rest and then they were gone. My husband was really happy to see his mum so that was nice. Had it been my husband’s dad and his wife I probably would have said no and said I was knackered as I don’t really know them that well and they can be a bit in your face. But they came round ours when we were home and didn’t think anything of it. My own parents still live in my home country so they waited a few weeks to travel over to see him.

I reckon it’s up to you. If you get anxious thinking about your mil visiting then I think it’s a good idea to just tell them to visit later.

I think everyone's in for at least six hours, aren't they? But it goes astonishingly fast - as I said, I gave birth at 10pm and I remember being shocked that it was suddenly 2am and I'd only just had my stitches done and got in the shower, etc. I really don't think that unless you know you're going to be in for a full 24 hours it makes any sense to have hospital visitors, which helps your case OP!

LisaSimpsonsbff I had a three hour discharge with my first! Baby born at 4pm, tucked up at home eating gooey Brie and crackers at 7.30pm .
There really isn’t a huge amount of time for visitors in that first few hours though. By the time you’ve had a cup of tea, shower etc it’s pretty much time to be discharged.

You're being more than a bit unfair to your DP and his family. Yes, you will have just given birth and be tired and uncomfortable and shell shocked, but in the post birth glow you really shouldn't mind giving your DP's family half an hour to sit with you and say hello to/hold their new grandchild/niece/nephew.

I had a fairly traumatic birth which ended up with an emcs and I still I didn't think to exclude my husband's family from the special moment of meeting their new grandson as soon as they could. They were excited! Even though I was tired, in pain and had a catheter and cannula sticking out of me! In the grand scheme of things, what will it cost you to share that joy with your DP and his family?

"It doesn't matter who pushed" 😂

Fuck right off with this nonsense.

OP, you are the one who will have been in intense physical pain for god knows how long, it's not unreasonable that you want a bit of privacy afterwards.

YOU are the patient. Not your husband. He is there to support you.

It is a very vulnerable time. You won't get a "do-over" of this major life event, so don't let yourself be talked in to something that you don't want for the sake of being "fair".

It's a tough one op because while childbirth is all about mum and baby, being a parent does include the father and ime some women use this time to push their partner aside.

That said, neither of you have a great relationship with his parents should be enough of a reason, I can understand your dh might think they will come though and be supportive of their son in this situation though.

As your mum is birth partner I do agree it would be pointless asking your dad to wait outside instead of popping in and congratulating his daughter on a job well done.

Maybe you could agree to wait and see how you feel at the time. But be clear that no means no. And that also might be no to your dad if you don't feel up to it.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn: It doesn't matter who pushed, it's a silly argument used by people who want their own way. A child has two equal parents.

What a ridiculous thing to say - of course it matters. One parent is an inpatient and the other is not. I sure don't remember Dh having 60 stitches, losing 6 pints of blood, having post delivery surgery, spending the night in the HDU nor undergo 8 months of treatment for PTSD!

It is pure selfishness for any family members to demand that their wants outweigh the needs and feelings of the person that gave birth. Treating the mother like some type of brood mare with the "oh we want to see the baby and not you" is also disgusting.

I am very grateful to have given birth in a Swedish hospital where there was no visiting at all apart from birth partners and baby's siblings when I hear people on MN spouting that their rights and "fairness" outweigh the mother's recovery needs.

Queenofprinces I have a son too and if I ever become a MIL I sincerely hope that I'm not the kind who would think my 'rights' are more important than the comfort of the woman who has just given birth. I would fully expect her to want her own Mum with her in the immediate aftermath, and I would also imagine my chance of being treated like an 'equal grandparent' during the rest of their childhood will be greatly improved if I don't attempt to ride roughshod over her wishes when she is feeling at her most vulnerable.

I really don't get this, and I see it time and time again on MN.

When I had mine everyone came when I was in hospital, someone at every visiting time. Its only an hour twice a day for a couple of days. There was plenty of time after visiting for me and the babies to spend one on one. People brought presents and balloons and food and made a huge fuss.

When I got home I was pretty much left alone other than a phone call asking if I needed anything.

On MN new mums suddenly turn into entitled princesses where no one can see their "LO" and they need all this time to themselves making memories and bonding in their new impregnable family unit.

I must be old. Then again, when I had mine no one did their full make up before giving birth, had a full wax or their toenails Shellac'd either.

And birth can be as traumatic for the dad as the mum. Pain aside, my husband was hugely emotional after the births of all our children. But when I was labouring with twins was the worst for him. It hit panic stations before I got onto labour and delivery as they didn't realise how far into labour I was, then he had a tiny baby girl thrust at him while there were issues with twin 2. So he had a baby who needed comforting in his arms while watching a room full of people bustle around, snatched pieces of urgent conversation, a baby in utero in distress while a consultant had their hand up his wife's vagina, who was out of it on gas and air before being rushed off for an emergency c section under general anaesthetic.

Yes, the pain was all mine. But the emotional pain my husband felt was just as real.

Wow, three hours soydora! I thought six hours was universal policy but I guess just the hospital I gave birth in (or even just the consultant-led bit of it, for all I know). I agree that it really didn't feel like there was much spare time - by the time we'd got to point where I wasn't still actually in stirrups they had started doing the baby checks, and I think would have been pretty if I'd said he was in the canteen meeting his grandparents and so they'd have to come back! I wouldn't have been particularly averse to visitors - to my surprise I felt a huge adrenaline rush after birth and felt pretty great for about 24 hours - but I just don't see how it's practical; there's so much else going on.

It's less about "making memories", and more about the simple fact that women who've had standard vaginal deliveries are in hospital for a much shorter time these days FatBarry.

I'm sure if we all stayed in for two or three days, then we'd be happy to have the milk man in by the end of the third.

But if you're only on the ward for six hours, then it's entirely possible you're going to need that time to recover from the physical shock of giving birth.

I personally think that you should get the final say, OP. It's your body and you'll have been through a lot. They can wait a couple of days. I'm due my first baby in 10 weeks time and I will only want my mum (one of my birthing partners) and dad to see me. That's how I feel now anyway. And I know that my in-laws will understand that. I think even if they don't agree, they should be understanding of that. Good luck!

I was lucky & had very easy births with both of mine & would have been up to visitors more or less straightaway.

However I didn't know that before it happened so it was always a case of parents knowing that they would be told when to visit.

I had a fear of feeling trapped & vulnerable in bed.

But the emotional pain my husband felt was just as real

There are lots of circumstances in which this might be the case though- if my partner was having cancer treatment or serious heart surgery for instance. But nobody would say it was okay for my parents to visit against his wishes for my benefit in that case.

Thats a very good question AnotherEmma, havent seen a reply, I happily stayed in Hospital 2 days after last DD 26 years ago, they said I could have gone home after 1, but we didnt have a phone I couldnt ring DH to tell him, and he didnt come and visit me that day.Everyone else waited a few weeks to come and see the baby, not a toy, well its a novelty surely, and one you want to show off. I agree with other poster, all or nothing, you cannot make your parents more "special" than his.

Wait and see how you feel on the day. I said I didn't want any visitors, but as DD was born at 9:30 in the morning, but the afternoon I felt up to it so had my in laws visit. My parents visited once we were home and that was too much hassle. In hindsight I'd have had them all visit at the hospital and then had a week or two to ourselves. You don't have to have people visit straight away, depending on the time baby is born visiting may not even start for hours. A woman on my ward used the time that her in laws visited to shower and get some thing hot to eat, I wish I'd thought of that.

"This is not your baby, it is both of yours op. "

Jesus!

No one is saying that the ILs can't ever see it, just that Op would rather not be in hospital when they do.

It is the ultimate in sexism to dismiss the seriousness of childbirth and call anybody wanting privacy afterwards 'entitled' and 'self absorbed'. You would never say that to anybody who was an inpatient for any other reason. Their right to determine who visited them in their vulnerable state would be sacrosanct.

I think this time soon after birth should be about the mum and what she wants or needs. The baby doesn't need visitors and if the dad needs support he can go and visit them himself like my dh did. I think with the exception of the baby's siblings then visitors in the early days after birth should be restricted to people who are there to help and support the new mum.

I'm a mum of sons and I realise this may mean I have to wait to meet my gc. I have also experienced birth trauma and pnd and I hope that if I am lucky enough to have gc then I will remember how I felt just after giving birth and wait to be invited without making a fuss. Of course if my boys were patients in hospital then I will want to be there and fussing over them.

I only had my mum visit in hospital, she was there when dd1 was born and not long after dd2 (she helped me shower afterwards), I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to see me. My dad then visited as he drove me home but by then I was looking more human. Chances are you won’t be in for long so it’s not worth people coming to see you until you are home.

Yanbu- no way would I want anyone there in the state I was just after birth.

The pil are grown ups and quite capable of waiting 24 hours, the husband is a grown up and quite capable of being emotional without his mum and dad.

The ops parents are there to see their daughter who is a patient who has gone through what is in fact a risky procedure which can be painful and traumatising.

And as for the comments "the pil don't care about seeing the op they just want to see their gc " fucking hell, that is the reason they should not be there - it is not about the fucking gps, not their birth, not their baby and they don't give a shit about the mother, who quite frankly, at that exact point, is the most important part of the scenario.

You are completely justified. His family is probably a contributing factor to his last relationship failed. It is unacceptable for him to say his family should visit merely because they visited his ex. You should be able to say no and have your partner respect your wishes without you having to explain.

My sister told me to check with her before visiting; which I did. I didn’t stay long because it’s not my child!! It was necessary for her and her husband to bond with the baby.

I find it bizarre when in-laws behave this way.

Often we can tell our own family members to f-off when we are tired but have to tolerate in-laws when they want to get their own way and insist on visiting.