Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

[BettieAnne]

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

YANBU

You get the final say in who visits you and your baby in hospital.

I knew when I was pregnant I didn't want any visitors in hospital after the baby was born - as it turns out, my mother did visit, but that was when DS was two days old, it was my fourth day in hospital, I'd been told I would be staying at least another night, so I invited her.

The rest of my family met him when he was about a week and a half old, DP's family when he was about 2 weeks. Nobody's minded not meeting him when he was mere hours, as it's really not important.

The person who carries and pushes out the baby gets to say who visits & who doesn't in my view. No mother who has just given birth should have to see anyone they are not comfortable with. Make this clear with your DP - what he and his ex did is immaterial, this is your decision & they can wait either until you feel up to seeing visitors in hospital or until you are home.

It's a hard no from me- fair doesn't mean the same.

Your mum and dad wiped your arse, fixed you up when you were sick, helped you with your first period, went through injury and illness with you as a kid. They've seen it all before.

Your MIL and FIL, not so much. Sorry but they can wait until showers, boobs and maternity pads are firmly in place, particularly if you don't have much of a relationship with them to start with. It's basic dignity.

As long as they get equal opportunity to meet and spend quality time with their grandchild then a few hours will make fuck all difference as far as I'm concerned.

When I had my son my parents and sister visited in the first visiting slot in the afternoon (baby born by planned section first thing in the morning) and my mil, SIL, bil and SIL partner all descended in the evening visiting slot. My husband who is not close with his family did mutter about them coming in the second slot not first slot!! I was seething as I didn’t want them there at all but just went with it as I thought it was only fair they came to the hospital. I was lying in a bed sweating my tits off in a tiny area with 3 other women and babies. There was nowhere to move or sit round the bed so they all stood gawping at me lying there. I lifted my sheet and realised I was bleeding all over the place but didn’t want to make a fuss. My piss bag was full to overflowing. It was one of the lowest points I can remember and all in front of these people who I knew would go home and crow about how shit I looked. Bad times. I’m 25 weeks now and I’ve already planted the seed with DH that they are not coming to the hospital this time. In truth I think the novelty has probably worn off and they won’t be so bothered this time. Stand your ground - if they are not good people don’t feel obligated into things!

I’m with you. You will be the one who is given birth, you will be the patient so it’s your say. Different people feel differently. I’m would not want my own Dad to see me just after, let alone my DH’s family. Your DH should tell his parents as soon as possible about great news — it’s the main point, they have right to know but they don’t have right to visit you automatically.
And actually your parents are not visiting. Your mum will be your birth partner. Your Dad will be picking her up and will likely pop in to say hello but you can’t guarantee even this yet. You also will need some time for your DSD to meet new baby. So it’s another reason to delay visits a little bit.

To everyone saying he didn't push the baby out it doesn't matter what he wants, this is EXACTLY why so many men are suffering after their partner has a baby and feel like they can't talk. It's not fair!!

I’m having my baby today (eeeek!) and have decided to get everyone to visit whilst we are in so we can go home and enjoy some time alone without visitors as everyone will us had their ‘first cuddle’. In hospital there’s all the different checks for baby to be done and it is expected for you to look like you’ve just had a baby, when you get home I felt there was an expectation to get back to normal and didn’t like the constant streams on people in our space.

Family policitics is really tough and I don’t think YABU but can see how your partner would be hurt by your thinking

@ginandnappies this is not the reason I have given DP. Nor the reason that I don't want them to visit. It's not about who pushed baby out or not, it's the fact that I don't want his parents who I don't know very well seeing me after I've given birth, and am trying to get the hang of things. My mum is a very experienced midwife (my dad is also a GP), they can offer all kinds of support when my midwives aren't constantly available, she is my birth partner, and I am 100% comfortable with either of them seeing me in a bit of a state.

I am under the firm belief that any intelligent person should be able to understand this!

They want to see the baby, not you. Let them visit the baby. If that has to be outside the ward you are in then your DH should take the baby to them. Let him show off his child and you can have your Mum and Dad in the ward with you

It’s not just about the baby. The ops Mum is her birth partner, does her dp think his mum should be a birth partner too because it’s her Gc too? In the time immediately after the birth it’s just as much about the op as the baby. The baby needs the op, literally if bf and the op doesn’t know his mum well to sit there topless and wincing while wondering what is going on down below.

"It's not fair!!"

It's basic biology. Fuck all to do with fairness.

And I've never met a decent man who suffered or felt unable to talk because his partner didn't put his wants first when she was delivering their child in hospital.

“this is EXACTLY why so many men are suffering after their partner has a baby and feel like they can't talk. It's not fair!!”

Oh yes, the poor men! Their wishes and wellbeing are so much more important than women giving birth and recovering, while caring for newborns!

The men can be at the birth and postnatal wards and parent their newborn. It’s just their parents and family who may have to wait a day or two.

To everyone saying he didn't push the baby out it doesn't matter what he wants, this is EXACTLY why so many men are suffering after their partner has a baby and feel like they can't talk. It's not fair!!

Don't be so ridiculous, you sound about 8. Why would a man suffer because his parents don't get to visit for a few days, no-one is saying his DPs cannot visit ever, just not straight after the birth and frankly the only important people are the Op, her DP and their baby.
Get a grip!

And fgs this is why so many men can’t talk? If the dh has just given birth then yes it should be about him. If he’d just had stomach surgery it should be about him. If they are both sharing all responsibility for Caring then when the Mum has healed it’s a mutual equal thing. If however the Mum has healed but is up 6x a night and the dh is going to the pub after work, expecting dinner and saying he’s tired then no he can’t talk. It all depends on how people are going and what they are putting In as to whether their feelings are valid.

I'm with you OP! I didn't want my PIL's to visit me and DH got a bit upset so in the end I just didn't have anyone visit me at all to make it fair.
And with people saying his family are just as important as OP's, its not about other people's feelings, OP is doing the hard work and obviously doesnt want people around when shes in a vulnerable state. Do what makes you happy! As you said the baby isn't going anywhere so people can wait to visit when you're at home!

And people wonder why their in laws arn't as interested in their children as their daughter's children

"And people wonder why their in laws arn't as interested in their children as their daughter's children"

If ILs aren't interested because they had to wait a while then they can fuck off as they are shit GPs & not worth the bother.

They're not as bothered because they're pushed out at the beginning

Ohanami that must have been awful for you and your in laws should be very ashamed of themselves.

@Surfingwhippet if someone's grandparents aren't as interested in them because they didn't get to visit in the hospital they probably don't deserve to be in their lives at all. Not with that childish, pathetic attitude.

If grown adults are going to have a huff because they have to wait 2 or 3 days to see a new baby then it's their problem.

And people wonder why their in laws arn't as interested in their children as their daughter's children

Do they wonder that?

My in laws waited 2 days to see their first GC my mum was their at the birth and my dad visited the next day. Inlaws are very involved GPs because they choose to be. They respected my wishes and understood why I didnt want anymore visitors until I was at home.

I think its selfish for anyone to force a patient in to handling their emotional baggage or blackmail them in to doing what you want because it suites you.

this is EXACTLY why so many men are suffering after their partner has a baby and feel like they can't talk. It's not fair!!

Suffering?? It's not fair!!??

Goodness me. It's a baby, not a new toy. You mean the focus, very temporarily, has shifted to their partner and baby, and they can't handle it?

Thank goodness I had mine when women were given peace to do what suited them. No hordes of birth-watchers, or masses of visitors at every crib.

Oh, and I'm the mother of sons, as well as daughters. Why would I push myself on to my daughter-in-law the instant she's given birth, when I was allowed a say when my own were born? Why wouldn't she want her own parents there first?

I saw my new grandchildren pretty soon after birth but it wouldn't have made a jot of difference if I'd had to wait several days, or weeks. I love them anyway. I love my sons and their partners and I'd do everything in my power to support them, whatever they need. It's not about me.

Yanbu ! I don't really get on with my MIL and she appeared as soon as I was brought out of theatre (where I had been rushed due to distressed baby/blood loss) I was not happy so I get where you're coming from OP. I get that she was excited about DS being born but I had been through a long labour and I was tired and wanted to spend time with DH And DS. My DM (who was my birth partner) just stood back and didn't really talk to me to let me adjust but MIL was going like the clappers! It wasn't even 4am!

Tartsamazeballs really nailed it.