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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want his family to visit me in hospital?

280 replies

BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:09

Having discussion with DP last night. He was talking about how his dad visited him and his ex in hospital when his DD was born, so did his brother and mum. I don't know his mum and brother well and his dad is a little odd. I'm not comfortable around any of them.

AIBU to want my mum and Dad to visit, because I'm more than happy for them to see me in whatever state with a baby covered in all sorts, but to not feel comfortable with his family seeing me like that, so expecting them to visit in the days after after I'm home?

Of course his DD can come to the hospital with him as I'm more than happy for her to see me in a mess!

DP thinks his family should be there right after the birth. I don't want to be overwhelmed by people I'm not comfortable with.

AIBU to be asking for it this way?

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 17/07/2018 07:48

I don't understand why he wants his mother there if he doesn't get on with her?

worstmovieever · 17/07/2018 07:49

I would wait and see how you feel at the time and see what happened regarding the birth. You could be rushed in for an emergency c section and be in for awhile or breeze through it and be home in hours. Giving birth has many variables and everyone is different. Like I say just wait & see what happens but ultimately I think it is your choice. If push comes to shove they can always wait outside and he can bring the baby out to them to see for a few minutes whilst you have a rest.

LEELULUMPKIN · 17/07/2018 07:49

My in laws came to see my gorgeous Ds all smiles etc, etc. Ds turned out to have severe learning difficulties, is now 13, totally non verbal, doubly incontinent and requires 24 hour care. Lucky if in laws send a card for his birthday.

My DH is devastated and it is so hard for me as both my wonderful Mum and Dad passed away before DS was born.

Not sure why I have posted that, just feeling low and want to rant about in laws, sorry OP.

Original poster
BettieAnne · 17/07/2018 07:49

glint they're not being excluded they're just being given a different time slot!

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 17/07/2018 07:50

I agree very sexist posts.
Suddenly a mans wants come before the new mothers needsAngry

The gparents will still have a relatiinship with the baby a day or 2 will not change that.
Yes it does matter who pushed because that is the patient and tge person who has put in the mental and physical effort. Nobody gets to demand anything of her frankly.

cadburyegg · 17/07/2018 07:50

You don’t have to have visitors at all in hospital, I didn’t. The second time there were visiting restrictions anyway due to norovirus. I didn’t want constant streams of people coming in and the first time I was shell shocked and looked like a train wreck so we just had visitors when we got home.

But YANBU. You are the patient, not your DH. Newborn babies don’t care much for grandparents.

I don’t think it’s selfish. You will have just been through quite an ordeal!

Stringofpearls · 17/07/2018 07:51

Could you compromise and allow them to meet the baby, but not see you? Perhaps your partner could very briefly carry him/her into the hall whilst you shower/bath? I understand completely what you are saying but they are just as important as your parents to your baby. You may end up changing your mind anyway I thought I didn't want anyone to visit the hospital, but after my baby was born I was so pleased with her that I wanted to show her off to everyone!

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 17/07/2018 07:52

Hmm recovery, privacy and the earliest mothering can be done whether his parents are there or not. OP wants to show off her baby to her dad so isn’t that getting in the way of recovery privacy and earliest mothering? Or doesn’t that count as it’s her father. Not everything is a battle between sexes mind.

SaucyJack · 17/07/2018 07:52

"It doesn't matter who pushed"

Of course it fucking matters. Only one of the parents is the PATIENT in hospital.

Fucking horribly disgusting comment to make on a website for mothers. Giving birth is a big deal.

HickoryDickoryDot · 17/07/2018 07:53

YANBU - I felt so awful and sore and vulnerable after giving birth, it was a very long induction and forceps delivery that I didn't even want my own mother visiting. I would have been so upset at having been pressured into having MIL etc to visit too. I don't understand the need to see a baby hours after giving birth. There will be other women on the ward who probably want to lick their wounds in private and not have strangers traipsing through! I don't even think visitors should be allowed Angry

glintandglide · 17/07/2018 07:53

“Today 07:40 treaclesoda

I've never understood this mumsnet obsession with not having visitors.”

It gives them an opportunity to exercise their inner princess Grin

JacquesHammer · 17/07/2018 07:54

Nothing on this post is sexist Confused

I don’t think YABU though OP. Whilst I agree that his parents are of equal importance it is only natural that you want time to recover post-birth. You aren’t saying “they can’t visit” just “wait until I get home”.

You have every right to choose your visitors as you wish. However I thinks it’s important you’re calm and explain reasonably to DH.

NameChange30 · 17/07/2018 07:54

NewYear
“I don't understand why he wants his mother there if he doesn't get on with her?”

It’s not just that he doesn’t get on with her, the OP said that he hates her.

I expect he doesn’t want her there at all. I expect he feels obligated because she wants to visit. The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) is very real and very hard to get out of.

AllTheNameChanges · 17/07/2018 07:55

I don't think you will know until it gets to that moment.

With my first I found it much easier to have visitors in hospital. Visiting was restricted to 90 minutes. I went and had a shower while pil came to see the baby, who DH was watching while I showered. Afterwards I spoke to them briefly before my parents came in.

It was all done quite quickly and it meant when I got home I could just relax and not have to worry about inviting people over immediately and how long they would stay. We saw siblings briefly the next day.

BlueTears · 17/07/2018 07:55

Your the one going through the trauma and the one in hospital - you get to chose.
Simple.

Merryhobnobs · 17/07/2018 07:57

It really really isn't about meeting the new baby. It's about the baby adjusting to being out of the womb and the new parents getting to know the baby and the recovery of the new mum. Pregnancy and childbirth put a huge toll on your body. Some people may be happy to have all the visitors but many like me would not. I am private and was an exhausted, bleeding emotional mess. My Mum and sister met baby at hospital because they were there to see me . My dad met baby at home the night we were discharged (baby would have been about 20 hours old) and my in laws all met the baby when they travelled over 3 days later. They stayed in a hotel and were very considerate. That worked well for all of us. Often you may not be in hospital for long enough to have visitors but if you are it is absolutely 100% fine to limit visits. Baby and your recovery come first.

PlatypusPie · 17/07/2018 07:59

Backstory or not, you have already explained why you don’t want your PILs there immediately after the birth in a reasonable and rational manner. Your mother is already there as your support and your father there for her AND you, the person who is giving birth, want him there.

Even if you got on well with them, had a close and loving relationship with them, you may not want to have another set of people there immediately after to entertain. And as you don’t have a good relationship then it is only going to add tension to the event, which isn’t not healthy for you.

This fairness thing is nonsense - the baby isn’t going to change so radically after a day or two that the PILs will be be forever emotionally wounded by being deprived of seeing it as a freshly newborn. You aren’t being selfish - but even if it could be seen that way, this is the occasion when you are absolutely entitled to be so. You aren’t a circus sideshow.

megletthesecond · 17/07/2018 08:01

Yanbu. You're the one recovering and vulnerable.

QueasySqueezy · 17/07/2018 08:05

Giving birth is emotional, exhausting and mucky at the best of times, but you might have had major surgery or be really, really unwell.

No one has a right to intrude on a new mother who may be in an extremely vulnerable state. I cannot get my head around the idea that someone would be so rude, selfish and cruel as to insist on seeing a new baby when it’s mother isn’t feeling up to visitors. You don’t lose your right to privacy just because you’ve given birth, ffs how misogynistic is our society if we don’t give a flying fuck about the mental and physical health of new mothers?

YANBU to want to make an initial recovery before inviting them to visit. This might be an hour or so, or it might be a day or so depending on what happens at your birth. If you feel they have missed out on a ‘first’ and want to make up for it, perhaps you could involve them in a nice ritual like making baby footprints, or giving baby a first bath.

It would BU to keep them away for days and days if your DH had a good relationship with them.

matchmakers · 17/07/2018 08:06

OP you are absolutely not UR. This thread is mad. You will have just given birth, it is entirely up to you who you do or do not have at your bedside afterwards. You will be the one tired, sore, bleeding and probably uncomfortable.

I had no visitors the day my DD arrived, (DH was here obviously) because I'd had a 3 day labour that was very unpleasant. I had my parents the next day when I was up on the normal ward, and DHs parents the following day. No one minded, no one cared. Because they aren't selfish arseholes who only think of themselves and remembered that me and DD were actually patients in hospital who were recovering from quite an ordeal. DH was only concerned about me and DD, not putting anyone's nose out of joint.

Stand firm.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 17/07/2018 08:12

@BettieAnne I know how you feel. After having a baby you just want your parents.

Yes he isn't the one giving birth, but it's a big moment in his life also. This is the moment parenting becomes a balance act between two teams.

Can you not suggest that maybe they visit quickly before you leave or once Home? It's their new grandchild too.

I HATED having to see my MIL after birth and I'm dreading now I'm pregnant again, but it's her GC to.

Brown76 · 17/07/2018 08:13

YANBU hate all the stuff about 'fairness'. Of course they'll be desperate to see their new grandchild, which is lovely, but surely they can wait till mum and baby are cleaned up and have had a few hours to recover.

Ohanami · 17/07/2018 08:13

I find some of the responses on this thread really distressing . When my first dc was born I nearly died. I didn't get to see dc for over a day as we were both too unwell to be moved from our hdu beds. I was half naked with a massive catheter bag on display, in a lot of pain from a c section, and completely traumatised. I still suffer flashbacks now. My parents treated me with respect, asked me what I wanted, checked if the things they were doing were ok. My in laws descended as soon as they could reach the hospital, spent the day waltzing in and out of labour ward despite the "birth partners only" message, saw my baby before I did without me knowing. They had no respect for my vulnerability, privacy or dignity and their presence made a traumatic situation even worse. Should I accept the way that made me feel because they're the grandparents too? If they treated me with respect and considered me as the vulnerable, unwell patient that I was, I'd have more sympathy for them. They didn't and it's affected our relationship in the long term. Maybe think about that when making blanket statements about "their grandbaby, their party." I'd have the same feelings about my parents if they'd acted in a similar way but they didn't.

OP if they'll make you uncomfortable and you don't believe they'll respect your needs then obviously i don't think yabu in asking them not to visit. They've had opportunities to build trust with you and their son prior to their grandchild being born and haven't achieved that, so they don't suddenly get to brush aside years of unhelpful behaviour at a time when you need to be at your most selfish- you should be able to focus on your own recovery, bonding with your new baby, establishing breastfeeding, etc.

Livinglavidal0ca · 17/07/2018 08:18

I think after giving birth you should have whoever you feel comfortable with visiting. If that doesn’t include his parents then so be it. You could be best pals with you in laws but after pushing out a baby you might just want to be with your husband, possibly parents. I actually really really disagree with people saying both or none, it is you that’s going Through childbirth, not your partner. I don’t care if it’s their grandchild, you need time to recover and bond too.

peppapoops · 17/07/2018 08:22

@Ohanami Sad sorry to hear what an awful time you had and how selfish your in laws were Thanks

I think some posters on here have been very fortunate to not have had a bad experience and therefore everyone must have the same experience as them?! Or just taking the opportunity to be a "princess" Hmm

It's depressing reading that's for sure.