to think that being mixed race can be mentally draining at times?

[MissFranklin]

I understand, I've just joined mn and in the space of an hour have started two threads on race. I promise I am not race-obsessed and am genuinely curious about opinions on this - my other thread inspired me to ask this. I'll disappear back to watching the pregnancy board intensely after this...

Does anyone else find that being mixed race comes with a few (some laughable, some not so) problems?

• Application forms where there is no option for 'mixed' - or simply having to tick 'other', as if all mixed race folks are an amalgamation of each other.
• being asked 'but where are you ORIGINALLY from', when 'London' does not suffice (ok, I'm being pedantic but this does irk me a little)
• people not believing that your mother is really your mother...
• having to smile sweetly when called 'half-caste' because you know from experience that it's not worth the hassle of explaining the origins of this term
• being called a 'lighty'
• being told 'that's your black side coming out' when you do certain things
• being able to call yourself black, but raising an eyebrow when you refer to yourself as white
• exoticism... 'oh you're so exotic looking!'

Lots of other things, the list could go on..

Obviously these are just my experiences. Whilst my heritage doesn't solely make me who I am, it plays a large part, and comes with lots of small problems, that when grouped together, can be quite mentally taxing at times (Trevor Noah explains brilliantly).

AIBU to think that other people MUST feel the same?

(Yes I know, a bit unreasonable to start two threads on similar things at the same time, but I was inspired by my last thread and figured it's an open forum so why not!)

Meetoodear
I am the brown parent

CocoFlannel9
Apparently, ancient Europeans were dark skinned (almost aborigine-like in features) and they think that our light skin was inherited from Middle Eastern genes around 7k years ago which became whiter due to vitamin D deficiency I think it was.

However a subsequent article pointed out that this was not actually claimed, the scientist, Susan Walsh, originally involved in the work saying that his skin colour is not possible to determine.

It also appears that he is not an ancestor of most British, as only 10% DNA is shared with the current British population. Much more work needed.

The whole issue of evolution of skin tone is very interesting. Survival of the lighter skinned in response to poorer vit D generation in darker skin due to less sunlight in northern climes has always seemed a bit far fetched to me.

Interessant! I did think that 6k years is a short period for such a drastic change in skin tone...

It's definitely a bit of a minefield in social conversation. I have black friends who get sooo offended if somebody dare ask about their heritage, but then they can't seem to wait to bring it up when it's ignored.

I have found it is not that people ask you interesting things, they feel like they are making statements AT you. And they ain’t always compliments

So for me and my DD (with the alleged Asian eyes/wide epicanthial folds and I am v dark eyes hair and olive skin) people will just say stuff AT you that I would never dream of saying:

-You look really Asian
-You have Chinese eyes don’t you
-I bet you go black in the sun you are so lucky
-Is their Dad blonde? You are so dark

• your hair must be so hard to manage

So my DD got called Chinese girl all through school so far and I got called spider leg Indian girl all though School as I was so crazily hairy all over (usually by little boys, not adults)

Some of it is fetishising IMO

DD has really not grown much of her nose yet still (she’s 14) so the epicanthis folds make her eyes look smaller. I think she is cute and pretty she’s my daughter! But it’s these comments both of us always hated

DD1 is clearly white, blonde and curly. She might get a compliment about her curls but no one has ever asked anything about her heritage like they have me and DD2. There feels like a clear difference to me

And I cannot believe people are asked 'where are you from' EVERYDAY by complete strangers. They must live in very strange places.

For me this strange place is just the UK. I've been asked this question all over the UK when working. It's just entitled people that come up to you and demand an answer. They want to place you in a box and can't deal with not being able to. Some even get aggressive with me when I don't give them they type of answer they're looking for. It's exhausting. I am Scottish, born in Scotland, lived here all my life, with Scottish heritage, a Scottish accent and loads of white Scottish family but I am dark because of my African and other European heritage. I love who I am, but I get exhausted at the questioning.

Funnily enough, I rarely get asked these questions by women or when I'm with my husband.

It is mostly males who would say anything to me too

PookieDo A large number of these men come up to me saying that I must be Thai, Filipino etc. They know because they have travelled there blah, blah, blah. When I tell them they're wrong, they are still like, well you definitely have some sort of Southeast Asian heritage, your parents must be from there. I don't know how many times I have had this conversation - too many.

Part of the reason I get asked so much is I don’t live in a very diverse area. Some people are definitely checking I’m not trouble as well. It’s quite irritating. If I say England I get the but where are you really from and ok never really sure what to say. I’ve never even set foot in my mother’s country. My dads English and I was born and raised here but feel so out of place.

Oliveoil

Same here! I've been leaving my hair curly theses last few weeks as its too hot for straighteners and I reckon I get twice as many sideways glances than when I try to look white.

CocoFlannel9

It's definitely a bit of a minefield in social conversation. I have black friends who get sooo offended if somebody dare ask about their heritage, but then they can't seem to wait to bring it up when it's ignored.

Who are these people I
Never tell people because it’s not really relevant as I am British

My mother is mixrace, white English Mother and Pakistani Father, My Dad's Mum is mixed too Scottish Father, Jamaican Mother. his Dad is Jamaican. My OH Mother's is Mixrace too her Dad is Chinese and her mum is English. His Dad is Irish. So our children are always being asked where they are from. If I was to explain it all each time it would take all day. People think my DD is not mine as she has blonde hair and blue eyes. I have had people say Dds childminder is here.
What I have come to realise about about being mixrace is that everyone is to some degree just because your features do not show it. Jamaicans for example are so diverse but may appear to be ethnically African but Jamaica has the most Scottish surnames outside of Scotland many Chinese and Asians the flag is the same cross as Scotland's due to Scottish links just different colours and the motto is Out of many one People.
I really enjoy being mixrace as it has opened my eyes to so many different cultures. I can cook authentic english sunday roast one week Jamaican rice and peas curry mutton one week and tandoori chicken the next. I have a understanding of punjabi cockney east end and patios, Black history, English history Partition, Islam, the list goes on. My Pakistani Grandfather didnt except my mums choice of Jamaican Husband at first due to not being Muslim. but when he met him and his dad he realised that they had a lot in common in that they both left their home countries during windrush and some experiences in the early days where the same so they got along well. People are often shocked at the knowledge I have of their culture as they dont realise I have Pakistani heritage as my features are more Jamaican but I tested myself once and went out if full Pakistani dress everyone spoke to me in Punjabi so again it shows the diversity in many races as skin eye and hair colour can be so different even in the same country due to being Mixed. I feel its important to allow mix race children to explore all areas of their heritage as it really has enriched my life.

That's interesting, mum. That complexity makes the term "dual heritage" look hopeless inadequate!

The only think I find draining about being mixed is the beauty industry. Mainly the obsession with hair. My Jamaican side of the family are obsessed with straight hair and relaxers, chemicals weave and wigs. Which can be toxic so a growing movement as come about to promote natural hair which is really positive.
Being mixed race my hair can strighten just with hot irons and they always say how lucky I am, but for me I dont identify with having straight hair and never use strightners I love my curls and women from all sides of my english pakistani and Jamaican have asked why I dont straighten it. It seems to has become the beauty standard especially for Black women that its not ok to have natural Afro hair and your better with a Chinese lace front stuck on or Rastafarian children being suspended for having dreadlocks when that is a more natural style for curly hair in Africa and Asia. Everyone should have the choice to wear their hair how they like not feel that in order to be accepted you have to live up to European beauty ideals. I guess a lot of it dates back to British Rule and the British Raj that fairer slaves were more likey to work in the house than in the fields and in order to get on in life you had to be like your masters and it still continues in places like India and Africa and Caribbean where skin bleaching goes on and they feel that someone mixed or fairer skin tone will get better opportunities. That is one aspect I find draining.

I can relate to this with my Anglo/Indian hubby and son. Where are you from, no where are you really from, where's your Mum from...?! It keeps going and going...and usually if it's an Indian person asking they also want to know what languages my husband speaks. He's like a lot of British people in that regard and only speaks English