to think that being mixed race can be mentally draining at times?

[MissFranklin]

I understand, I've just joined mn and in the space of an hour have started two threads on race. I promise I am not race-obsessed and am genuinely curious about opinions on this - my other thread inspired me to ask this. I'll disappear back to watching the pregnancy board intensely after this...

Does anyone else find that being mixed race comes with a few (some laughable, some not so) problems?

• Application forms where there is no option for 'mixed' - or simply having to tick 'other', as if all mixed race folks are an amalgamation of each other.
• being asked 'but where are you ORIGINALLY from', when 'London' does not suffice (ok, I'm being pedantic but this does irk me a little)
• people not believing that your mother is really your mother...
• having to smile sweetly when called 'half-caste' because you know from experience that it's not worth the hassle of explaining the origins of this term
• being called a 'lighty'
• being told 'that's your black side coming out' when you do certain things
• being able to call yourself black, but raising an eyebrow when you refer to yourself as white
• exoticism... 'oh you're so exotic looking!'

Lots of other things, the list could go on..

Obviously these are just my experiences. Whilst my heritage doesn't solely make me who I am, it plays a large part, and comes with lots of small problems, that when grouped together, can be quite mentally taxing at times (Trevor Noah explains brilliantly).

AIBU to think that other people MUST feel the same?

(Yes I know, a bit unreasonable to start two threads on similar things at the same time, but I was inspired by my last thread and figured it's an open forum so why not!)

Do people assume mixed race means black/white? I’ve never heard anyone say this..?

I have mixed race members of my family, most are not black/white.

does octoroon mean 1/8 black, wow, I can't believe there's a word for that. My DC are 1/4 black and you cannot tell @metoodear, people don't say that to ''reassure'' me, they just look at my kids trying to figure out how the black genes all disappeared in only two generations. It mystifies me too. They have lovely tans. I just say yeh they're lucky. I feel like Rachel Dolziel with proxy attention seeking syndrome if I tell anybody that they had one grandparent from Guyana.

tilted could you explain to me how your children are a 1/4 black?

@tinyhands

One half black parent and one non black parent?

@tinyhandprintseverywhere em, what?!

Yes I get that notasgreen but aren't they still mixed race?

I'm sorry but I have a major problem with the way people are put into boxes, then end up having to explain themselves later on in life.
As i said I'm mixed race, my dcs dad is black, they are still mixed race! When they've asked me I don't tell them they are 1/3 black. This is why there are so many issues facing mixed race children having identity crisis'

I don't find it draining, but I've only ever had someone slip up and say "half-caste" once, and they looked like they wanted the ground to swallow them whole. Most of the time it's the opposite: people being on eggshells not to say anything that could possibly be deemed offensive. Don't compliment her tan, if you're describing her don't mention that she's brown, etc. It's vaguely annoying having to reassure them that I am actually aware I'm not white, and they're allowed to notice it too, but on the scale of things that mentally drain me it's pretty low down!
I'm also guilty of asking people "where's your family from?" as a conversation opener because I'm interested in other countries, languages and cultures. And I often wonder if people who look like me have a similar mix to me. Also if they have an unusual name that I can't place. I have quite unusual colouring and my name doesn't "fit" with my appearance so I know people are just trying to figure me out and that's fine with me!

I think generally people only describe themselves/ their children as mixed if they look it, otherwise you have to answer lots of annoying questions and give a break down of your family history.

My brother is a blue eyed, blond haired, white skinned mixed race person. Growing up people used to think we had different Dads!

He never really needs to describe himself as any race, because unless he's with his siblings/dad no body asks him. He'd have to go out of his way to announce it...which would be weird.

I also know that a dark-skinned black person claiming to be mixed raced would get lots of eyes rolled at them (from other black people), so they just stick to black.

I think it's all quite complexed actually.

My dc are mixed race (white mum/Chinese dad). I often get people assuming I'm their childlike/nanny as I'm blonde haired, blue eyed and they look more Chinese than white. Or people assume I've adopted them. It always takes me a while to realise why they think that.

Or people feel the need to comment on their looks - always in a positive cheery way of 'mixed race children are always beautiful'

The where are you from questions sigh . Dd had this conversation with one of the parents at a birthday party this weekend
Where are you from?
Names home town
No,no where are you from originally ?
Dd names home town
No, no - I can tell you're mixed race - where are your parents from
Dd names home town....

Random parent then comes up to me - I can tell your dd is mixed race, so where's her dad from?
Me - names home town
No, but where does he come from
Me names home town
But WHERE IS HE FROM????
Me names home town

Neanderthals were humans like us, but they were a distinct species called Homo neanderthalensis. So again different species, same family.

no they were not a separate species, nor are they Homo neanderthalensis. They are Homo sapian neanderthalis, same species, different race.

Its not pedantic at all to keep pointing this out.

People who say that humans are of different races are creating, emphasising and exaggerating the differences between us.There are in fact NO racial differences, just variations within one race.

Gosh much of this is depressing reading.

@lovelilies thought I'd go with just responding to you- I'm half white, half Indian. I have brown skin I wouldn't particularly call myself light skinned but I'm often referred to as olive skinned, but more importantly I have often had said you really don't look Indian, I'm so surprised blah blah blah. This has been said as if I'm fortunate to not look Indian? Which is insane as there are so many absolutely beautiful Indian women. I am regularly told I look more Mediterranean usually Greek or Spanish and would add that when holidaying am usually mistaken for being a local wherever I am numerous times.

I absolutely hate that you don't look Indian is often said in a congratulatory way, as if I've gotten lucky.

Over recent years since the rising of the Kardashian's I also now get asked if I'm the same as them, and also are you Arab? Including being told I look like Princess Jasmine.

Oh and Eva Longoria but I don't get annoyed about that one

Now as for the where are you from question, it drives me insane and I am deliberately difficult and just continue to answer with the town I live and was born in repeatedly. Sometimes my husband gets exasperated with me for being awkward. For example when the other person has said "no, where were you born"
I answer with the name of our local hospital and will then say the same for where were your parents born, as it's true! This if often something new people at work think is acceptable to ask within the first day of meeting me and a topic of conversation strangers think is acceptable. The man in mothercare showing us prams last year asked if I was from a Mid East country as I looked like women he saw in Dubai. How is this acceptable small talk? Also why are people so interested?

I hate how mixed face men, women and children are often so fetishised. Anyone else have thoughts on this, and if mixed race yourself have you experienced this?

I have a child, the palest child possible. His skin is basically translucent, still has blue eyes and blonde hair. Which is his Dad's colouring (although he isn't ever pale due to working outdoors) if anyone ever asks me is f he's adopted I'm likely to drop kick them.

I have an acquaintance who is Indian as is her husband and her young son is very pale, possibly his colouring will change once older, maybe it won't. She has been asked in supermarkets "are you babysitting", "are you a nanny" and "did you adopt" and mostly when in Indian shops "so is your husband white" how does a cashier think this is appropriate small talk??!! It is absolutely beyond me. Most depressingly her Dad told me that when they last travelled at the airport they were asked lots of questions and then taken aside to prove the child was there own. It made me feel ill to think if I was without my husband this could happen to me in the future.

Claire I think we need to shelve our discussion of Neanderthals (or start another thread) because as interesting as it is, it’s not really adding to this discussion.

Your argument that races don’t exist and differences are exaggerated is a fair one but the problem is they do exist on a superficial level and have been used to clump rough groups of people sharing the same physical variations.

But like the arguments surrounding sexism and gender there is the danger of sweeping something nasty under the carpet by denying it exists. Because it exists physically and not just in the minds of people but it’s the minds of people that change sex into sexism and race into racism.

It’s not the taxonomic categories that matter, but rather the stereotypes and expectations that come with that categorisation.

So to say that a population has darker / lighter skin, a greater propensity to a certain disease is quite different from believing that one group is inferior to another, that they are more violent, less intelligent etc..

I get the, where are you from? Every day. No matter what country I’m in. It’s so infuriating. I then get ahhhh I didn’t expect that. Thanks for judging my background. I am taking down tips from this thread on how to answer though. I don’t look the mix I am either so it just makes people press even more.

Not only do forms requiring race confuse me, now my dd who was born white and entered onto official forms when born as white British most likely for convenience, she has changed colour and is now too tanned to put white on the forms I have no idea what to put. Technically she’s 3/4 white British 1/4 non white british. They didn’t have that on the form for what happens when the 1/4 overrides the other side they also seem to be ok with people with less british heritage than my dd putting down white British. So basically it’s asking your skin colour isn’t it.

Another thing I hate is people saying how dark do you get In the sun (once asked by a job agency) and but you’re more like a white person who’s tanned. Ahhh I don’t even know what I am half the time.

I do like being mixed race though.

I get asked 'where are you from?' all the time. I am 80% Irish and Scots and 98% European. However, I only have 2% Scandinavian. Which means I am dark featured and olive skinned - so everyone thinks I am southern Mediterranean or Middle Eastern. The 'black Irish', who are NATIVELY darker, are most closely related genetically to the Basque people in southern France/Spain. It's so depressing to have aspersions cast on my Irishness by those who are really of Viking stock.

I'm horrified tbh by some of the things people say.

Dd is mixed race- Greek/ Iranian on dads side. English/ welsh on mine. I don't mind people commenting on her olive skin a as it is in admiration. Most pale people say she's very lucky to have such a lovely colour .....they are envious and it makes me proud.
With the Iranian bit ...people struggle. I've had....her dad will kidnap her and take her to Iran ( we are not together) . I've even had looks of horror...presumably as Iran is regarded as a ' bad' place. Tossers.
Dd I'd fascinated and proud of her heritage. But yanbu op.

The social and legal concept of the "one-drop rule" does not exist outside the United States.
and even there it is defunct and has no legal meaning.
I don't understand why there is this obsession with it and whether it matters whether you are described as black or white.
It is perpetuating differences.
And I cannot believe people are asked 'where are you from' EVERYDAY by complete strangers. They must live in very strange places.

I don't get why people are racist. People who originate from hotter countries have darker skin as they gave more melanin.. Protects then from the sun. Basic biology.

Once I had a black boyfriend and someone ( another man) told me that I should stick to my own kind. Tosser.

My dads approach to the ' other/mixed race explain' in forms section was to make something up - my favourite was 'Afro-Celt'. I still use it sometimes!

Interesting thread. I’m mum to two mixed race children, I’m black, DH is white. I get really stressed when my side of the family comment on the kids’ skin tones and hair textures.

This. All of it.
I hate ticking the mixed other box. Half caste and 'but where are you from originally' make me wants to scream sometimes. Usually the people asking are trying to pretending they are being polite but won't drop it. Regardless of the fact 'I'm from England' is a fact, what business is it of theirs my heritage? I don't think I've ever become a close friend with someone who asks this.

I'm not half black, I'm half African - Persian and I was regularly given halal meals at school because I 'look asian'. Because Asia only has one religion
I've been criticised by Muslim men for not dressing like a Muslim women and my son was recently forced to take the halal option over a haribo sweet at school yet we don't have any religion and never have. It's purely because of the colour of our skin.

My daughter is very light and fair as her father is and I've been asked if she's adopted and regularly get it pointed out to me how much lighter she is. Someone said she was diluted

I think a lot of my friends would be surprised by all of this. In some ways it's a hidden racism that's just accepted.

"And I cannot believe people are asked 'where are you from' EVERYDAY by complete strangers. They must live in very strange places"

I am a hair and makeup artist. Every single first time client asks me what my background is.

This thread has made me cry. I’m a mum to two mixed raced boys. One is 6 and one is 10 days. The baby is so white he looks Caucasian and it breaks my heart that he might have a different future to my eldest because he is “whiter”. I have already been asked if my children have different dad. How rude is that!

And I get the “where is your sons dad from” all the time. I say “Birmingham” on repeat Until they get the message. It’s clearly not the answer they want but I keep saying Birmingham until I’m blue in the face.

@HariboBrenshnio I feel physically sick at ' someone said she was diluted' I don't know how you kept your cool.

Awful to hear some of the comments people get on this thread.
I do find the way genes work quite interesting, DHs family had some mixing (arab) many generations ago & only one member of the family (his uncle) looks mixed but DH looks very different to his siblings & looks maybe Turkish in colouring but not in features. It really confuses people particularly abroad, he’s had people rabbit away to him in French, Czech & Turkish.