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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
Babdoc · 15/07/2018 07:28

Your baby, your feelings, your call. Nobody else gets to call the shots!
Tell MIL, and anyone else, that you’ll let them know when you want visitors.

C0untDucku1a · 15/07/2018 07:28

I did the same. No visitors except my parents, sister and gran until i was home aith my second. My son’s birth turned into an emergency near-death situation. Everyone was fine with it.

Just make sure details Nd photos are not put on social
Media in the meantime

knickerbockergloryy · 15/07/2018 07:29

Not being unreasonable at all! My PIL came into the room after I had my son but before I had even delivered my after birth! I don't know how it happened but I was out of it! My FIL actually put photos of me on FB holding my son covered in blood! They are private photos :( if I was to have another child (although I have a different partner now and I'm sure my PIL's now would be very respectful!) it would just be me and my DP until we were home and rested!

bluetrampolines · 15/07/2018 07:30

Personally I'd get it over with at hospital and buy a week at home with no fuss. Unless they are awful. It's your call but i dont think they would be unreasonable to be a little bit hurt. But they would be unreasonable to tell You! Hth!

AnnaT45 · 15/07/2018 07:32

It's a tricky one. I think it seems unfair that your mum can go but your DPs can't. I personally found having people visit in hospital was easier as they don't want to hang around too long! I also wanted to show mine off straight away to close family but we are very tight knit.

But I do think it's down to you and you're decision. Maybe just keep it on the DL that your mum is going in

Terriblydifficult · 15/07/2018 07:33

YANBU. No need to have all and sundry traipsing through post birth. I’m due very soon and my MIL is asking how long I’ll be in etc. She did come and visit me last time, but I ve caught wind that she’s jealous my mother is looking after my older child whilst I’m in and wants to see new baby first. I don’t really like that and given she saw the last one first, she can jolly well wait.

Cheby · 15/07/2018 07:38

YANBU. It’s not ‘unfair’ because your mother is visiting YOU, the person who has just been through labour and delivery, not the baby.

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 07:40

What does your husband think about your mum cominous but his not? I totally get where you’re coming from but the baby will be just as much their grandchild as your mum’s and I don’t think they’d be unreasonable to feel a bit hurt. They should still respect your decision without moaning though.

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 07:41

^coming. I havd no idea what “cominous” means!

Original poster
Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:43

I wouldn't mind so much, but last time hours after giving birth both her and my mum arrived at the same time and I was only allowed 1 visitor and my mum being her offered to leave (so I didn't get to see her) and MIL ended up staying hours telling me how to do stuff, why I shouldn't breastfeed etc etc I was still in the middle if establishing breastfeeding and felt like all eyes were on me from her.

Also same situation @terriblydifficult

OP posts:
Thirtyrock39 · 15/07/2018 07:44

I think it's totally reasonable - but it may not seem it to the pils...a colleague at works dil said the same after giving birth and though I tried to put the dils side across everyone at work thought it was really harsh as the maternal grandparents were visiting - I'm just saying that so you're prepared I think it's totally understandable

Original poster
Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:46

Purpledaisies DP thinks it's my choice. Also MIL wasn't best please about this pregnancy and has showed no interest in new baby as of yet. Still hasnt congratualed myself or ever asked how I am. Always avoids talking about it.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 15/07/2018 07:47

I could not do this to my partner, he would of have agreed and supported what I asked for. but having seen the pride and love he showed with DS1 I would not deny him the sharing with his parents I had with mine.

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 07:49

Instead of totally stopping a visit, how would you feel about giving them a shot slot to come and see the baby (maybe 15 minutes just before the end of visiting hours) and having your husband commit to ushering then out? That would probably avoid what happened last time.

ScrubTheDecks · 15/07/2018 07:49

Some people are discharged after 6 hours. Surely you don’t get loads of visitors before that?

Just say your Mum is popping up so you can see Dd.

If you’re in for a while a quick hospital visit could be easier than a long home visit.

madeyemoodysmum · 15/07/2018 07:50

I agree with boylashire
But I'd MAKE sure the visit doesn't clash with yr mums.

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 07:50

scrubs is spot on above.

MaryShelley1818 · 15/07/2018 07:51

I absolutely could not do that to my partner either. DS is absolutely adored by both sets of grandparents and I always treat them equally in respect of our son.
As above my DP would have supported me but I’d never hurt him or his parents like that.

shakingmyhead1 · 15/07/2018 07:51

you will need your husband on board, but either dont tell them you are in labor, until the day after then announce that baby has been born, or say no visits until day 2 please because we want time to introduce dc1 to dc2 and have time to bond as a family first, that also gives you time in case of any unexpected problems or difficulties, but again your husband needs to be in agreement on this, and if you chose to have anyone in that you would like your mother there as last time his mother got to see the baby first

Hippywannabe · 15/07/2018 07:52

It really depends on your relationship. DS2 and wonderful DIL are expecting. Her Mum and DS will be with her at the birth, I do understand that she wants her Mum with her (also an amazing woman who has opened her home to us during the relationship). However, I want to see the baby on the first day of its life (obviously providing all is well with mother and child) as my child will also have become a parent.
I also totally get that it might just be for a couple of minutes (and I live nearly 200 miles away but it will be worth it).
I have worked hard at not being an interfering MIL though and have a good relationship with DIL who tries her best to include me in everything.
You and your husband know your relationship with your MIL best and if it would survive your Mum being included while MIL isn't.

Hippywannabe · 15/07/2018 07:53

Also, try and put yourself in her position, if you went through it with your DS in years to come.

Undercoverbanana · 15/07/2018 07:54

Don’t tell them about the labour and they won’t know to turn up.

Hope it all goes well OP.

Kit10 · 15/07/2018 07:55

I think it's unreasonable to allow your parents and not your partner's. Either none, or both. Yes you've just given birth but you said hours not minutes, unless it was traumatic let's not be precious about it.

IAmLurkacus · 15/07/2018 07:55

YANBU

You will have just been through something hugely physically demanding, it’s not the time for you to be considering others, it’s the time for them to be considering you, it’s entirely up to you, who you see and when. Anybody who doesn’t respect that is being an inconsiderate arse.

LML83 · 15/07/2018 07:55

What happened the first time was wrong.

To prevent it you could tell your own mum not to leave for MIL, just to step away for 10 mins and then DP can ask them to swap back.

If it suits you better to not have them at the hospital then you could do that, but if MIL isn't aware why she is likely to be hurt/upset. That shouldn't stop you just something to be aware of.