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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 15/07/2018 13:38

Giving birth does not render you incapable of thinking or speaking

Mine did! - not physically of course but I didn’t think straight for months (in retrospect it’s highly likely pnd and possibly throughout pregnancy).

My needs were treated as me being an over anxious, over bearing silly woman.

I’m much better than I was but even with hindsight I think I was right despite what everyone kept telling me

Hidingtonothing · 15/07/2018 13:45

someone wanting to see your baby isn't a dick fgs

No, but someone not giving a shit about the person who's just given birth to that baby, overriding their wishes and criticising them when they feel most vulnerable most definitely is being a dick!

worstmovieever · 15/07/2018 13:46

Surely your husband could have said "ok nannies it's half an hour each because new mummy needs to establish breast feeding and get some rest" and put his foot down about it. There was no need for your mum to leave.

My mum wouldn't have, she would have waited an hour and then made my mil swap places with her. My dh also wouldn't have let that happen. Giving birth is hard (I've done it 3 times with no pain relief) but I could still manage visitors for an hour or so and would have told everyone to leave when I got too tired or it for too much.

Good luck op.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 13:47

Someone wanting to see your baby isn't a dick fgs.

Actually, if they're telling you that you shouldn't be feeding in the way you've chosen, that's exactly what they are. The fact that someone has come to see a new baby doesn't mean they can't also behave like a total dick when they do it. Sadly.

Seasawride · 15/07/2018 13:47

someone wanting to see a baby isn’t a dick fgs

Yes they are if mum doesn’t feel up to visitors. Mum and baby are a package. Suck it up buttercup

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 13:51

So what do you do then if someone calls unexpected to see you and the baby? Sit there and say nothing or explain you're not up to it?

I'm sure I just said that the latter is perfectly acceptable.

Seasawride · 15/07/2018 14:02

No one should call on a new mum unexpectedly though it’s the height of rudeness really. Wait for the invite. Babies are not exhibits.

However as Duck says you should feel able to tell them to foxtrot Oscar but not everyone feels up to that.

Fluffyears · 15/07/2018 14:11

All this ‘fainess’ And it’s husbands baby too is missing the point that the father has not just pushed a person out through his special area or had major abdominal surgery to bring the baby into this world. The new mother is a hospital patient and should be treated as such. If I was ill in hospital i’d want my mum and mil and her selfishness as far away as possible until I had pulled myself together a small bit.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 14:15

I agree that people shouldn't just turn up unexpectedly but some people do. I had this happen quite a few times from various people. One even has a bad cold. I thanked them for coming but made a sharp exit upstairs with the baby and left DH to it.

cadburyegg · 15/07/2018 14:16

I don’t get the MN obsession about having lots of visitors in hospital. I never had any apart from DH, both times. First time I stayed in 2 nights and felt like a train wreck and wasn’t up for any so both my parents and in laws came to us the day we got home. Second time was much easier and I would have happily had visitors but I wanted DS1 to meet his baby brother before the grandparents did, but children weren’t allowed in to the ward due to norovirus outbreaks. So when we got home we had one day the 4 of us to get DS1 used to the idea before we had the grandparents round the following day.

Do what you want and is sensible! Can you say you want time to bond just the 4 of you first, for your first DC to meet baby? That is much more important than grandparents meeting the newborn

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 14:17

If someone calls in unexpectedly a few hours after the birth, that person is being a dick, and acknowledging that would be a useful starting point. Really, very little of this discussion would be necessary if people who haven't just given birth would stop being dicks.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 14:19

Who mentioned a "few hours" after the birth?

YouTheCat · 15/07/2018 14:21

The OP did.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/07/2018 14:22

Bluelady what is so difficult to understand? She's treating her DM and her MIL differently because they are different. They play different roles in OP's life.

Her DM is presumably someone she feels comfortable with and doesn't mind seeing her in an extremely vulnerable state because she's known her all her life and they have a very strong bond. It's not OP's fault that she doesn't have the same bond with MIL or feel as comfortable with her. Why on earth would any MIL expect their DIL to treat them exactly the same as her own Mother?

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 14:22

The OP. In her title. If you're going to move the goal posts the onus is on you to spell that out.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 14:23

I was talking to GamesofMinges, the thread has moved on since the OP posted.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 14:24

We were discussing random people popping in to see you at home unannounced or so I thought.

YouTheCat · 15/07/2018 14:27

The one time my twins napped in the same 30 minutes and one of exmil's friends just pops round. I was not best pleased.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/07/2018 14:41

After how your MIL reacted first time around, I see why you are keen to avoid that again. She sounds annoying.

Have your DM bring your DD in and that's it. You dont have to do anything you dont want and if your DH is on board. All good.

Wherismymind · 15/07/2018 14:42

I really can't see why you'd treat your DM and MiL differently but then it does seem to be par for the course round here.

Really? You can't see why a woman would treat her mother, the woman that birthed her, raised her, nursed her when she's sick and supported her through her life, differently to a woman who she knows because she married her son. Yes some people don't have great relationships with their mums, and some get on great with their mil. But for most the bond with your mum is very different to the relationship you have to a woman your related to through marriage.

I've only met my mil a handful of times, I don't want to see her after I've just given birth.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 14:44

It's entirely possible to be at home a few hours after you give birth, especially as a second timer.

ScrubTheDecks · 15/07/2018 15:04

MIL was there first last time.

If I arrived at the hospital at the same time as DIL’s Mum I would have let her go in. It’s her Dd who has just given birth / is the patient.

JAMMFYesPlease · 15/07/2018 15:06

I'm in two minds to be honest. It is a little unfair that one GM can see the baby and the other can't but if your MIL has shown no interest before the birth why should she get to come in after? Also I totally understand wanting your DM there for see you. I felt the same way after my first DD.

If your partner is happy then that's all that really matters.

I think people visiting should be kept to a minimum. There was a new mum on the ward with me the second time who was born with a sickly baby (strep b I believe) and all she wanted was sleep! She was hounded by visitors. She tried asking them to leave but the rabble wouldn't listen. When one said to me that they felt sorry I had no one (DH had gone home by this point to get things ready for me and DD2 when we got home the next day) I'd made a point that this was mine and baby's time to recover and everyone could wait until we got home, said in a way that got it across they weren't putting new mum first.

Anybody who isn't there to support the mum shouldn't be there at all and it doesnt sound like your MIL would be there for you.

MissVanjie · 15/07/2018 21:57

“So what do you do then if someone calls unexpected to see you and the baby? Sit there and say nothing or explain you're not up to it?

I'm sure I just said that the latter is perfectly acceptable.”

And this is what op has done re her mil. Pre-emptively. So not sure what the problem is?

Strawberry2017 · 15/07/2018 22:14

You have to do whatever makes you happy,
I had MIL and Husbands brother visit at the hospital and then he had to take them home when really I wanted him to stay with me.
She has since made comments about how out of it I was.
I had an emergency c section after 5 days induction with no sleep.
Of course I was out of it.
Next time I won't have anyone until I'm ready. I felt like I had to please everyone but not anymore.
Good luck x

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