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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 15/07/2018 11:59

greatduck it was a couple of dp’s mates - we live in a house in their route back from school and I had a few unannounced visits in the first couple of weeks. Our living room is visible from the street and unless I wanted them peering through the window at me with my tits out I felt obliged to let them and their kids in.

Tbh I’m a bit Blush about ranting on this thread but the whole visitor thing really riles me even now (contrary to dp trying to tell me it was just my hormones Hmm). I clearly have a biased opinion I know. I just think that the mother’s wishes should be respected and it be far more socially acceptable to say no to people when it comes to babies.

gleegeek · 15/07/2018 12:09

I think whatever you do someone will be offended!
Tbh, after dd was born, there was no stopping my dmum from visiting in hospital. She wanted to see me , she barely even looked at the baby til she'd checked that I was still in one piece! As a family, we are known for traumatic births, so there were no guarantees I would be relatively unscathed. I was so pleased to see my parents as I definitely felt like a piece of meat during childbirth and was quite beaten up and emotionally scarred. I definitely could not have coped with seeing MIL in that state! After a night in hospital she got to see her 1st born grandchild the next day.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 12:19

There've been a couple of posts with more to say about OPs DP being to blame for MILs poor behaviour last time than MIL herself. Strange.

It's also interesting the way people assume that asserting the right of the new mother to choose who sees her in the hours after she's given birth is some inherently anti-MIL stance. Personally I get on very well with mine, but she doesn't live in the same country as us. And she came to stay for a couple of weeks to help last time I gave birth, after DH had gone back to work. She's bloody lucky I let her get on the plane home too, she was brilliant. Combines kind with sensible. Frankly she'd probably have been a decent birthing partner too.

Mind, she wouldn't be seen dead having an attitude like OPs MIL, or anyone entitled enough to think a newly delivered DIL should be giving the slightest thought to their feelings. Nor would my own DM. Reading threads like this makes me realise how fortunate I am in that respect.

Wherismymind · 15/07/2018 12:21

My brother is having his first baby this year. I'm now interested to talk to our mum to see what her expectations are.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/07/2018 12:22

There is a huge amount of internalised misogyny on this thread. How very typical that women, just hours after having undergone the physical and emotional truama of either vaginal birth or major abdominal surgery, are expected to put everyone else's needs and feelings above their own. Under no other circumstances would a patient in hospital be expected to agree to visitors if they weren't feeling up to it or didn't feel comfortable with certain family members seeing them in a vulnerable and undignified state but but once you've birthed a baby apparently you cease to exist as a person in your own right.

If men had the babies there's no way in hell they would be agonizing over whether they were being "fair" and "treating everyone equally", massaging grandparents egos and fretting about being perceived as selfish. They would be focused on their own recovery!

All the posters saying "but how does your DP feel?" and "won't your MIL be devestated?"...they are not the ones who have just given birth!! They are not the ones who will be in pain, bleeding, exhausted and emotionally shellshocked. Fortunately, OP's DP recognises this which is why he has said it's her choice, because it bloody well is! It's a shame so many posters on this thread can't see that.

sexnotgender · 15/07/2018 12:33

Great post ministryforcheekyfuckery. Absolutely spot on.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/07/2018 12:33

I feel sad for all the postpartum women who have to delay much wanted visits from their own mothers because their MIL is being a brat about fairness.

chillpizza · 15/07/2018 12:40

It’s quite simple anyway the Mum will be bringing the sister to the new baby to visit anyway. Plus the mother presumably will be making sure her daughter is ok after having a baby. Mils tend to fuss over the baby and their son treating the dil as not much more than an incubator.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 12:50

I'll never understand why some women won't speak up or ask their husbands to tell unwanted guests or those out staying their welcome that it's time to go but allow themselves to get wound up and in a state!

You don't have to cause a scene or be rude, but if you're not happy then say something.

Anything with an ounce of intelligence and decency will understand and go!

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 12:59

Maybe it's because of people coming out with comments like shouldn't the husband get a say and I'd be really upset to be shut out of seeing my grandchild, greatduck? Just a thought.

Or you know, the fact that they've just given birth and it's not actually their responsibility to prevent people from being dicks. After all, if you've told your husband that your MIL hours after birth will be an unwanted guest but he's been fine with insisting on her presence anyway, why will he suddenly start giving a shit about your feelings if you want her to go earlier than she'd like?

fieryginger · 15/07/2018 13:00

Seems a bit precious but it's your baby, your call.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 15/07/2018 13:05

I think I’d rather have my MIL than my mum there... my mum can be a bit forceful with her views, my MIL isn’t.

I think it’s whatevr you’re comfortable with tbh.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 13:05

I'm not necessarily talking about MILs. Just general people popping in to see the baby.
It's a popular topic on MN that some women get very stressed by people turning up or expecting cups of tea and what not but sit there seething instead of saying that they're tired and going up to bed or that it's time for their guests to leave.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 13:09

Maybe they don't really feel up to doing something that will potentially offend people when they're still a wreck from giving birth? And let's be honest, some people would be bothered at being asked to leave if they weren't being treated in the precise same way as the woman's own relatives were.

Really, if you're asking why the woman isn't taking responsibility for preventing people who haven't just given birth from being dicks, you're asking the wrong question.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 13:15

Giving birth does not render you incapable of thinking or speaking and if the new mum doesn't feel up to saying it herself then her partner certainly could do.

I had a lot of visitors in the shape of family/friends/DH's colleagues and if I felt tired I would say so and that I was taking the baby to bed. Nobody was huffy or offended because I didn't make a big song and dance about it, I thanked them for coming and for their gifts and told them I would catch up soon.

Bluelady · 15/07/2018 13:19

I really can't see why you'd treat your DM and MiL differently but then it does seem to be par for the course round here.

IAmLurkacus · 15/07/2018 13:21

Excellent post MinisterforCheekyFuckery some of the attitudes and posts on a site called MUMSnet absolutely beggar belief!

DurhamDurham · 15/07/2018 13:22

I was my daughter's birthing partner along with her husband. I popped out to go to the loo while she was in labour to find the father in law busy asking a midwife if he could pop in to see my daughter for a while and give her a kiss and say helloConfused luckily the midwife said no and asked him to wait in the waiting room along with my husband who was sat waiting patiently Grin

LagunaBubbles · 15/07/2018 13:23

The usual tour baby your rules don't have Mil there posts. Meanwhe in the real world I would never let my Mum visit and not Mil, regardless of whether shes there for you and nor baby she will still see baby. And things like this can cause lasting hurt in life. Do what you like, lots of people here see men and mother in laws as unnecessary inconvenience in life.

llangennith · 15/07/2018 13:23

I wanted to see my own DM because I'd known her all my life. I loved her and had lived most of my life with her.
Obviously not the case with MIL.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 13:28

Giving birth has a wide variety of effects on women greatduck. I don't disagree that the partner could and should say something, but then the partner shouldn't have anyone there in the first place who the new mother doesn't want so soon after birth. And again, a new dad who's inconsiderate enough to invite a guest that a newly delivered woman doesn't want can't be relied on to suddenly stop being selfish and inconsiderate.

It's also very obviously not the case that offence can be prevented by not making a song and dance, so that anecdote is not relevant.

It remains true that if you're asking why the new mum doesn't prevent people from being dicks rather than why people don't take responsibility for not being dicks themselves, you've got it arse about face.

Oswin · 15/07/2018 13:29

Well great cook people are different. Lots of people would have a row in these situations.

Blue lady what cant you see? That last time ops mother didnt see the baby because of the mil. Who stayed for hours, critisising ops feeding choices.
Or that maybe when a woman goes through labour she needs to be put first.

Ffs ops not blocking her out for a week. Its one day.
All this whining about dreading being a mil.
Well if you behave like this mil then you deserve everything you get.

I have only ever heard this dreading being a mil nonsense of women who are exactly the type to think her right to see the baby is more important than the mother feeling comfortable after birth.

This whole culture that new mothers need to put everyones feeling first is shitty.

littlecabbage · 15/07/2018 13:29

I agree that no-one is "entitled" to see you and the baby in the first few days, unless you feel up to it and welcome it. You will be tired, sore, probably not have the energy to make yourself as presentable as you would prefer to be, and if trying to establish breastfeeding will need privacy as you repeatedly try to attach a tiny baby to your already sore breasts.

And that is after a straightforward birth. You may also be dealing with other unpleasant complications/after effects.

I have 4 children - all boys, and totally accept that my sons' future partners may not want DH and I there for a few days, but may have their own mothers there earlier. It won't be my sons who feel battered and bruised and I won't expect my DsIL to receive visitors until they are ready. And when they are, I will make sure I offer various types of help, and not stay longer than an hour or so initially.

Hopefully the DsIL and I and DH will have a good relationship as a result of us respecting what a big deal giving birth is and the fact that it takes time to recover.

I also agree that it is more respectful to other mothers on the postnatal ward not to have endless visitors traipsing in.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 13:33

It remains true that if you're asking why the new mum doesn't prevent people from being dicks rather than why people don't take responsibility for not being dicks themselves, you've got it arse about face.

Someone wanting to see your baby isn't a dick fgs.

Seasawride · 15/07/2018 13:37

Well in my real world I am a mil and I would have completely understood if my dil had just wanted her mum and dad to visit her after giving birth.

I would no sooner have made it all about me then fly! Me and dh made sure their house was clean. And tidy, filled the fridge and freezer with goodies and meals and told all of ‘our side’ no visiting in the first week and after that only my appointment.

But then as a family we arnt entitled dicks.

However our dil actually called us from the hospital asking us to visit. That was lovely and we felt privileged.

I am guessing dils who don’t want mils to visit have bloody good reasons why?