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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 15/07/2018 08:29

Of course YANBU. You'll be a patient in a hospital - it's totally your call!

We went as far as not telling anyone I was in labour. Then we didn't have to deal with millions of texts/phone calls asking for updates and nobody knew when it was happening. Much better for all of us.

NataliaOsipova · 15/07/2018 08:29

YANBU. It’s not ‘unfair’ because your mother is visiting YOU, the person who has just been through labour and delivery, not the baby.

This is it in a nutshell. You should be allowed to have who you feel most comfortable with having around. I don't think issues of perceived fairness should enter into it at this stage.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 08:29

That's not a backstory. That's someone not having the gumption to get up and leave and keeping their mouth shut when a new mum is trying to establish breastfeeding.
In that scenario the H should have said something in the way off " right time to leave now mum Sunnydays is tired " etc.

I just think unless the OP isn't bothered about her ongoing relationship with MIL that it would be a bit unkind to not have her visit.

But at the end of the day it's her call, I get that too.

KC225 · 15/07/2018 08:30

Given your update about first birth, I would say YANBU. Tell MIL or get DJ to tell MIL that last time she came in after the the birth but this time it's your mother's turn to be with you. She can't argue with that - but given that she hasn't congratulated you or taken any interest, are you sure they would want to be there? Why is she against this second pregnancy?

applesisapple5 · 15/07/2018 08:30

YANBU! I don't get why people need to see a oneday old baby, good grief give a mother and father a few days at least, people!!
And you have a great excuse this time 'MIL was firstvthrough the door first time, now it's my mum's 'turn'' (although there's no such thing as being 'fair' with a baby, just do what YOU WANT!)

Wherismymind · 15/07/2018 08:32

So the op will be the mum not mil if her daughter has a baby and will be able to visit her

That would be up to the woman giving birth. Some people may want neither there.

CaledonianQueen · 15/07/2018 08:32

There is no way in hell, that I would want my MIL there, telling me how awful bf is, when I was trying to establish bf! I would frame it as you want a day with just you, your dh, new baby and your dd. As your DM is looking after your dd then she is the only person outside your ‘family bubble’ that needs to be there.

However, your dh would need to be massively on board! I would also wait until home/ day two before announcing babies birth! Personally, I think your DM deserves that special time with your new baby, your MIL behaved like an asshole after your last birth! (She could easily have swapped around after ten minutes!)

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 08:34

You left out the MILs attitude to this pregnancy greatduck. That's actually quite a significant part of the backstory here!

greenlavender · 15/07/2018 08:35

I don't think that would be at all fair to your DH. I gave one DS & if he were to have a baby & that happened, I'd be devastated.

PrincessoftheSea · 15/07/2018 08:36

There is a backstory here so probabaly YANBU.

In general though I would say that if you have normal PILs its nice for your husband to be able to show off the new baby too.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 08:38

Why are people assuming her DP would want his mother there? OP has said he's clear that it's her choice. Maybe he's secretly relieved OP is taking the initiative because he doesn't want someone there who was negative about the pregnancy news! We don't actually know either way.

Original poster
Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 08:40

KC225 she was against the first pregnancy too as she felt she was too young to be a grandparent (she's 58)
I'm happy to have her visit the next day and if I don't have to stay in overnight I won't be having any visitors.

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 15/07/2018 08:40

Just don’t tell them anything until you’re home again

Foodylicious · 15/07/2018 08:43

All families and relationships are different, but I set the scene whilst I was pg and said we probably wouldn't have any visitors in the first 2 weeks.

Glad we did this as I was in no way fit to receive visitors in hospital and it was lovely having that time at hone just us

First visitor was a friend at around 10 days pp.

Do you want your mum to visit you in hospital? I guess she might bring your dc in to see you, but if not you could just see her at home too.

Its about You, your baby and your body and who you feel comfortable with in the situation.

I know it's unpredictable and you could be home after 6 hrs or or in a few days so that might change how you feel at the time anyway.
Can you agree with DP that if you need to, you can have the nurses restrict visiting to 1 hour or something?
Just an idea.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/07/2018 08:46

YANBU. It's a huge thing giving birth and it's not your responsibility to manage a grown woman's feelings.

AdoraBell · 15/07/2018 08:48

YANBU. OP

I don’t think having your DM there is favouring one GM over the other.

Who raised you OP, who was there as you went through school and your teenage years, who has supported you emotionally and built a strong bond over the years? Whoever it was, that would be your best choice of someone to support you right after the birth while you are recovering.

That’s not to say that I’m against MILs seeing their grandchildren in the first few days, but some people completely lose sight of the person who’s body has just produce an entire person in their rush to be the first to visit. And that’s not always the ILs.

Surfingwhippet · 15/07/2018 08:48

And people wonder why their in laws arn't as interested in their children as they are in their daughter's childrenHmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 08:49

Well she obviously changed her mind about the pregnancy if she wanted to stay so long after the birth!

How is she as a grandma OP?

squidgesquodge · 15/07/2018 08:52

I don't see how it is entirely MIL's fault that she outstayed her welcome last time. Your DM and DH allowed this too.
My DC are only 6 & 9 but, given what I read on here, I often think myself lucky to have a DD and a DS as that seems to mean I have much more chance of continuing to be part of one of their lives at least once they are in a relationship and have DC of their own.
My own MIL and I are very different people and she can drive me up the wall but my DC are her only grandchildren so I try and keep her involved in their lives to the same extent that my parents are.

WasteOfThyme · 15/07/2018 08:53

I'm shocked that some people think you need to be 'fair' when it comes to visitors after giving birth. You're the one who's gone through it. Of course you're going to want your mum there.

Even if there was no hard feelings between you and MIL she doesn't have a right to be there and you have no obligation to have her there. She has the rest of his life to bond.

I have two DS and one DD, I would never expect them to include me in parts of their life they felt uncomfortable in doing so.

user1471426142 · 15/07/2018 08:54

I really don’t understand some of the posters on here that are so obsessed with seeing the baby asap they can’t seem to comprehend their daughter or daughter in law might need some time. I was a wreck post birth and my baby was failing to thrive.i was slipping into PND and early visitors would have tipped me over the edge. I did not see anyone for 5 days and I could have really done with a couple more. That suited me and my circumstances. My sister in law had an easy birth and my in laws visited that day. That suited their circumstances. I don’t doubt that my in laws were happiest with my SIL but we had very different experiences. Whether they will remember the circumstances or just the difference in time remains to be seen! Mine asked if they could come anyway and just see the baby in the canteen (I.e without me). My husband put his foot down on that one but I remember it years later.

My family said they were very excited to meet the baby but to tell them when we were ready. They ended up seeing the baby after the inlaws and they were fine with that. They brought food, presents and made my life easy. They saw me as a patient who needed looking after rather than as an incubator for grandchildren. They asked after me before the baby having had difficult births themselves. That is why many women are more comfortable with their parents versus Inlaws.

Original poster
Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 08:55

@GreatDuckCookery she is ok as grandma but eceeything is on her terms, DD comes second (which is fine) but she also expects myself and DP to drop everything at last minute for her.
Also I will be the one wanting to see my DM it's not a case of who sees new grandchild first..

OP posts:
StepBackNow · 15/07/2018 08:57

I think it's selfish. No mums or both mums. Very unfair. I hope your DH puts his foot down for his poor mum on her being made a second class granny.

Original poster
Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 08:58

Completely with you @user1471426142 my DM (abd the rest of my family) wont mind waiting but I know i will want to see my DM

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 08:58

DD comes second? To whom?

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