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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
MrsAidanTurner · 17/07/2018 09:52

When I look back this was all more stressful than having a new baby to look after

I feel the same. I felt extremely sore below, had awful migraines from the pushing and lack of sleep and drugs etc. None of which I wanted to share with Mil because we dont have that relationship so she kept telling me how lucky I was. I was just smiling for her to hopefully get her out.

One day I felt so ill I could barely move , I craved something sweet and ate the sweets given to me by visitors, I dropped the wrapper by my side - holding baby trying to feed.
THEY WENT BALLISTIC they said I was disgraceful for dropping sweet wrappers everywhere and disgusting for eating sweets and BF.

They just wouldn't clear off and leave us alone. They threw out my pillows which I needed for my neck issues, they re arranged the house, chucked out flowers I wanted, and FIl rifled through my private papers whilst I was still in hospital whilst mil was chucking everything out.
When I look back now - at how naive and vulnerable I was and thinking we had to include them in some way and the way they trampled over that good will....Angry. I honestly dont know how I got through it. Other stuff was going on as well, it was too much for one person to bear, it was awful.

needless to say second time round they were not included at all.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 09:54

That sounds stressful MrsAidenTurner. Was this behaviour from PILs new?

bakedlikeabun · 17/07/2018 09:54

I am sure this is not your main concern but there is really no embarrassment in being seen sat in a bed with a catheter. I suspect you will only receive the most cursory Of glances anyway as the attention is all on the baby!
There is a large divide between allowing in laws to arrive while you’re naked and staying for hours while you attempt to bf, and making a 20 min visit while you’re sat in bed in your nightie to coo over the new arrival. If you know your pil fall into the former then ban away, but if the latter try to be kind.

Leapfrog44 · 17/07/2018 09:54

@Sunnydays19 I think it's fucking terrible to expect to to visit someone after giving birth!. You're sore, sick, exhausted and just wanting to nest. You need to give at least 24 hours and should always respectfully check even that's OK.

BounceAndClimb · 17/07/2018 10:05

@plunger op had already said once she was home which was likely to be the next day.
The patient in hospital is the mum, her mum is visiting her and cares about her daughter. The MIL isn't going to support the DIL shes going to see the baby which will still be there when DIL has recovered enough to go home.

I have 2 DDs and a DS, I wouldn't expect to visit any until they're home and have had time together first unless they specifically wanted me to.
I definitely wouldn't expect DS's future partner who I'll possibly have only known a few years to treat me equal to her own mum and want me there straight away.

RedBallpointPens · 17/07/2018 10:05

i suspect you will only receive the most cursory of glances anyway

I think that is part of the problem. The reason most people would want their own DM is because she is the person who will be focussed on the mother rather than seeing her as a vessel for the baby. The nice MILs who also really care about their DILs wouldn't kick up a fuss about fairness and seem (judging my this thread at least) to be the ones welcomed soon after the birth.

GameOfMinges · 17/07/2018 10:26

MIL found time last time to criticise OPs feeding choices and tell her what she was doing wrong, at length apparently, so on past form there'd be much more than a cursory glance.

kimber83 · 17/07/2018 10:40

Some of the experiences being posted about here are just awful - not just from MILs, but other family members (DHs too) - and the bounty selling at a vulnerable time tooSad

gilmoregal · 17/07/2018 10:41

I didn't want visitors at the hospital prior to having baby I had decided this and only planned to have my Mum as she was second birth partner anyway.

Induction turned into a very scary emergency section at 2am, The next day I only had my Mum visit at the afternoon visiting hours (still had a catheter in situ etc) but then allowed PIL and SIL to visit in the evening but asked SIL to come without her dh. SIL had brought us really useful things like micro nappies and went out to buy prem clothes as although full term baby was very small. I felt that this was reasonable and allowed me some privacy. I felt better in the hospital that day (stronger pain relief and excitement) than I did the next week at home, so preferred having time to ourselves at home.

Ohfuckinghellwhatnow · 17/07/2018 10:43

What does your DP say about it and the fact you want your mum to see the new baby, but not his? I'd say either both GPs or none at all. Fair enough to draw line at all and sundry, other family & mates trouping into the ward one after the other. Looking ahead, when your kids have kids, will you be ok with being told to stay a way from the hospital?

Ary2017 · 17/07/2018 10:50

Greatduckcookery I was in the hospitals birthing centre so room to ourselves and midwives not around much. Looking back DH or I should have said something but I guess we were both out of it and they were helping us out a lot (driving to and fro, bringing stuff etc) so somehow felt indebted I guess.
I guess that's the prob, if it's your own mum you're much more comfortable to say 'go away, don't do that, don't say that ' etc where with PIL it's more smile and nod territory.

Op should do what she feels is right this time

upsidedownmonkey · 17/07/2018 10:51

I hope all the people who will be future MILs remember that your relationship with your GCs is likely to be shaped by your relationship with their mother, your DIL - be kind to her especially around the birth and you will reap the rewards for the rest of the time. If you are difficult / entitled / inconsiderate don’t be surprised when she doesn’t involve you in other aspects of the GCs life or go out of her way to make it easy for you to spend time with them.
OP I agree with many on here - do what is right for you and if DH is ok with it don’t tell MIL until you are ready to see her at the next visiting time - good luck !

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 10:57

I guess that's the prob, if it's your own mum you're much more comfortable to say 'go away, don't do that, don't say that ' etc where with PIL it's more smile and nod territory.

But it is your husbands parents. He ( and you if you felt up to it ) have every right to say "please can you wait to come in until Ary has sorted herself out - we will give you a shout when we're ready" type thing.

It seems like you have a decent relationship with PILs so they may have thought it was ok to come in ( they may not have even give it a thought ) and that you'd be ok with it. Some people need it spelling out that they can't just waltz in on a woman that's just given birth.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/07/2018 11:12

Surely its up to the woman whether she is ok with the in laws seeing her in nightwear, breastfeeding, naked or with a catheter?

MrsPeel · 17/07/2018 11:15

If you had just had an appendectomy would PIL be insisting on coming in before you felt up to visitors? No, of course not (I assume!). It is perfectly understandable and reasonable for you to just want your own mother and partner there, and any person with an ounce of sensitivity would understand that.

ralfeesmum · 17/07/2018 11:16

Stand your ground, sunnydays19. The couple living directly opposite my place had a baby on 23rd December last year, and within an hour of Mum and baby getting through the front door there were absolute regiments of relatives parking up and pouring into their house. There was even one old dear who was truly so ancient (or ill) she was supported by no less than four other people!

This went on all the 24th, 25th, 26th December - poor girl. And then there was a repeat performance on New Years Eve and New Years day......

How that couple didn't go insane through the chaos and pure physical exhaustion is a miracle.

Pull up the drawbridge, sunnydays19!!!!

BlondeVolvo · 17/07/2018 11:41

@Ohfuckinghell you are spectacularly missing the point of what the op and others have said on the thread, her Mother being there in the immediate is not about seeing the baby (bangs ahead against the wall) it’s about providing comfort and support to her DD!!!! We all want our Mum in situations like that. Why as women is this so hard for some people to see and understand this. She’s said MIL can visit following day just not in immediate often chaotic aftermath!!

Icanttakemuchmore · 17/07/2018 14:23

Sunnydays19.... At the end of the day it's your choice. Yours and your Dh's. You do what you feel comfortable with.

Silentnighttwo · 17/07/2018 14:29

I can see why you feel that way, but I wouldn’t do that to my DP.

Wherismymind · 17/07/2018 14:56

fact you want your mum to see the new baby, but not his?

Not what op is saying at all. She wants to see her mum after giving birth. As a result of her mum will also get to see the baby. Her mother in law will get to see the baby once op is home and recovered.

I can see why you feel that way, but I wouldn’t do that to my DP.

Wouldn't do what to her dp. How is he negatively affected by his pil not seeing the baby until mum and baby are home and recovered.

Will he be humiliated, stressed out, uncomfortable, embarrassed and ashamed like a mum could be. Will sleep, recovery, bonding and breastfeeding be effected?

GorgonLondon · 17/07/2018 16:19

I made a huge mistake inviting my ILs to visit very soon after the birth of my first child. The way they behaved destroyed what should have been a happy first few days as a family, nearly destroyed our marriage, and 8 years later our relationship with them has never totally recovered.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 16:20

What did they do/say?!

GorgonLondon · 17/07/2018 16:28

It's a long story and I'm on my phone, but some highlights:

-Got my husband blind drunk
-Brought stinking takeaways back to our tiny flat to eat- got none for me - left mess for me to clean up
-tried to physically take four-day-old baby off me and force me to go out for dinner "for a break" (I.e. so mil could play out her fantasy that this was her baby)
-Had hysterical freak out about her own post natal depression 35 years earlier and locked herself in our bathroom, where the only toilet was

  • followed me into bedroom to criticise me trying to get baby to latch on and said she needed 'burping'
GorgonLondon · 17/07/2018 16:29

Oh yes, and on seeing DH, baby and I cuddled up together, said "huh! 'bliss'. That won't last. And if it did, there would be something wrong with you"

Ary2017 · 17/07/2018 16:34

Greatduck, you are right. He/I could have/ should have said something.
My PILs aren't malicious at all, just thoughtless but with good intentions.
Mil drove me to Hosp to be induced then came bundling through the door of the room while my legs were akimbo... the first of a long list of indignities whilst giving birth

Next time I'll know more about how ill feel after giving birth etc and will be more assertive about my needs and think op should too!

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