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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 15/07/2018 07:58

I’d also consider letting PILS in, at an agreed timeslot (nearer end of visiting hours). Let the hospital kick them out.

Once the ‘first meeting’ is out of the way, I agree with a pp that it buys you more time alone at home. It’s very hard to prohibit the first meet successfully. Once they have pics, they can crow to their mates and you can get on with real life. 15 mins of early pain, for a week of gain? Good deal.

kingseat2016 · 15/07/2018 07:59

I couldn’t do that to DH. I’d be clear, if visiting it is for 10 minutes and then away and get your DH to police that.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/07/2018 07:59

If I were your mother I'd be delighted with this, if I were his mother I wouldn't be. Here's hoping you give birth to another girl.

Troels · 15/07/2018 07:59

I couldn't do this to my MIL, much as I can see where you are coming from.
If you are discharged in a few hours then there is no need for anyone to come to the hospital.
However now I am the parent of adult sons, if I was told sorry you can't come to see us the next day or so after birth, I think it would affect my relationship with Ds and Dil. Knowing that her mother was favoured in such an obvious way would be devastating. I truely hope that my sons and their partners think of much as my Dh and I as they do Dil's Dm and Ddad.
Make it a short visit, let them know it needs to be short, you are tired, baby needs feeding etc etc. Make sure your Mum isn't there unless you are letting them stay longer and your Dm is going to socialize with them. Not hang about watching and waiting for them to go.
I hope you cann find a solution that will work for everyone.

Wherismymind · 15/07/2018 08:02

I hate the entitled attitude so many families have when it comes to babies. Someone on mn the other day said mil told her Bf was a way for controlling mothers to stop extended family seeing the baby and was telling her she's not to do it!

Giving birth is about mother and baby. No-one else. No-one else has any right to be there when your recovering, bonding, establishing feeding etc. It's your choice. You may just want dad there, you may want half the neighbourhood there, but it's up to you.

A new baby is not a toy for people to gaup at. Family can meet the baby when you and baby are ready for them. I can't think of anything worse then having pil at the hospital when I'm still feeling rough, in pain violated and warn out.

wakemeupbefore · 15/07/2018 08:03

The baby will have 2 parents and 2 sets of grandparents; to favour one set over the other is unfair. They are not coming to see you, really, but the tiny babay.
Hospital visits are short and cheerful, much more convenient than having to entertain at home.

wakemeupbefore · 15/07/2018 08:06

@VladimirsPoutine

'Here's hoping you give birth to another girl.'

Why? Hmm.

TheRoadLessRocky · 15/07/2018 08:06

Tbh I think your mil deserves this after what she did to your mum last time. To let your mum leave completely and then hog your time for ages was completely selfish. She should have suggested that they share the time. So it's your mum's turn to have first visit.

CardsforKittens · 15/07/2018 08:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Also I don't see why anyone should expect you to be reasonable about what you want in the few hours after you push a human out of your body.

mogloveseggs · 15/07/2018 08:08

Although I feel for you (having exasperating PIL myself) i think you have to be fair. Ask your dp when he wants them to come. If its first day, then go with it. You have equal parenting rights-he has equal right to show his newborn to his parents.

Wherismymind · 15/07/2018 08:08

Knowing that her mother was favoured in such an obvious way would be devastating.

Do you not understand that most women have a different bond with there own mother and having your own mum at the birth/soon after is completly differnt to having someone else's mum there. It's not about picking favorites. It's natural to want your mum there. You go through labour with her when you're born and its normal to want her close when you go through labour with your own children. You're also used to your own mum seeing you at your worst. That's not the same for most people and their mil.

PurpleDaisies · 15/07/2018 08:08

So the op will be the mum not mil if her daughter has a baby and will be able to visit her wakemeup.

2up2manydown · 15/07/2018 08:09

How long are you expecting her to wait (MIL)?

I only ask because I also didn’t want anyone visiting me in hospital but I was only in for one night - but unnecessary having visitors when you’re in for such a short time and inconsiderate to other new mums on the ward I think.

However, once home I was always happy to have short visits. From anyone really. I enjoyed showing my baby off.

So if you mean your mum can come to the hospital but MIL has to wait until you get home, but still seeing the baby within the first 2/3 days then I think that’s fine.

If your suggesting a Mumsnet convalescence period of two weeks without anyone darkening the door and when they do they must bring a week’s worth of food and do their body weight in ironing? Well, that is just spoiled brat territory.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 08:12

Obviously not. The hours and couple of days after the birth are very clearly not the time to focus on what's 'fair'. You do what's best for you when you've just had a human come out of you. This would be equally true if you didn't want anyone from your side and planned only to have FIL for the first day or two.

And as your DP thinks it's your choice and isn't bothered for his parents coming immediately, this isn't an issue of him and you having equal rights, even if that were true when you've just given birth. Which it isn't.

Justanothernameonthepage · 15/07/2018 08:13

Since MIL was with you after dc1, I'd frame it as since she's had first visit once, this time it's DM's turn.
But YANBU

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2018 08:13

I didn’t want my mother to be around. I waited until dd was 2 days old before inviting her. She sounds a lot like your mil. No boundaries and a know it all. All my mother wanted to do was talk about her and her pregnancy, birthing experiences, feeding etc.

Do what is right for you. Not for your mil. You’re not talking about never seeing her. Just letting you get over the trauma of birth first.

2up2manydown · 15/07/2018 08:13

I know it’s natural for the new mum to favour her mother after she’s had a baby. I know that. It was the same for me.

But goodness I dread being a MIL one day...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 08:14

What does your DH say? Personally I think it's mean to have your mum visit but not your husbands parents.

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 08:15

Her DP says it's her decision.

Ginger1982 · 15/07/2018 08:17

Whilst you will obviously have a closer relationship with your own Mum I think you need to treat both equally here. Your mum is already getting to look after your DD (for good practical reasons I'm sure) but it seems unfair to let her visit and not the other side. Both my mum and MIL came to see me the following day. But your DP needs to be ready to say to either side when it's time to go. I'd be upset if, in the future, my DS had a baby and I wasn't allowed to visit whilst the in laws were.

wakemeupbefore · 15/07/2018 08:18

@PurpleDaisies thank you, so glad it wasn't yet another boy-hating comment. [The heat is getting to me and making me more grumpy than usual].

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 08:19

I still think it's a bit off. Unless there's a huge back story where MIL is a complete cow which I don't really see here from what's been written.

I just think by saying certain people can't visit after the birth is setting yourself up for future aggro.

Starlighter · 15/07/2018 08:21

YANBU! Having a baby is wonderful but also messy, painful, stressful and can make us feel very exposed and vulnerable.

DH needs to be completely on board with your wishes as he will need to police this. Do as little or as much as you want to. You don’t even need to decide now!

GameOfMinges · 15/07/2018 08:23

There is a backstory. MIL was a pain in the arse last time, overstayed her welcome, tried to interfere with OPs feeding choices and has made it clear she's not happy about this pregnancy. That's a backstory. But even if it wasn't, OP would 100% NBU to want only her choice of visitors within hours of giving birth.

Oysterbabe · 15/07/2018 08:25

I think it's pretty unkind if your own mum will be visiting, makes them feel like second best grandparents from the off. I'd allow a short visit but then have a couple of days without any visitors.