AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

[Sunnydays19]

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

58 is too young to be a grandparent? DSIL's mum has just turned 42! She wasn't overthrilled, but she met DGS and was immediately melted. I'm 58, and I could do with being a bit younger, and also another knee op.

@GreatDuckCookery DD comes 2nd to herself. For Instance if MIL is due to come round (she lives 10 mins away) and DD is napping she would expect me to wake DD up so she could see her.

I think it's mean to not allow both sets of grandparents a short visit to meet the newborn. You can then say no more visits until we are settled.

Well I hope you tell her where to go then OP.
You don't wake DD up do you?!

I can't get over how many people on this website dislike their IL.
Ultimately your decision but feel sorry for your husband. If he's not bothered then that's fine.

I had all my children at silly o clock in the morning and visiting hours weren’t till midday onwards for people that weren’t partners or children

Hours after my youngest was born she was whisked to NICU for tests so I sent a text stating that and asking everyone not to come until we knew what the hell was going on and everyone was fine with that

This

Also I will be the one wanting to see my DM it's not a case of who sees new grandchild first.

Is what people are forgetting. Most people don't have their mum come to the hospital because they are the favorite or the more important gm. They are there to support their daughter after what is often a difficult and sometimes traumatic experience. My mum came twice (120 mile trip) because I needed her. Not the baby. My mil didn't come because baby was in nicu and couldn't be picked up so she wasn't interested. Which is fine I understand that.

Like someone up thread said, we're not incubators for their grandchildren. In laws can still bond with the baby if they see them 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years after the birth. They don't need to see the baby straight away. Mother and baby are humans with feelings not zoo excibits.

For my first we lived in another country, so neither set of parents met him for a year (!).

For my second, my SIL brought DS1 who she'd been looking after for us, and just popped her head round to say hi, and my MIL came to pick us up the next day (I felt fine, despite EMCS, and just wanted to get home to DS1), and my parents came up the day after (my parents are younger and still working, MIL/FIL are retired). No-one was pushy, everyone was kind and helpful - if your family aren't like that, then I can see why you wouldn't want it though!

It's fine, just as long as you'd be OK with not meeting your need grandchild until a few days after the other grandparents.

I understand why you feel this way but for the sake of family harmony (and they are you family once you have their DGC) I think you should allow them to visit and DH is in charge of making sure the visit us kept very short

I think the reaction to mil’s visiting straight away is divided into two sets of people - those who want to see the baby and those who want to see the mother.

It’s great if you can pop a baby out with ease and remain completely unaffected by the hormonal hurricane but for those of us who find it a tad tough then someone completely invested in our wellbeing is always going to have priority of preference. My mum has been dead for a good couple of decades so I have no axe to grind here, but in truth she was the only person I wanted to see even though it wasn’t an option.

Anyone banging on about fairness of access to the new baby is treating the woman like a machine that’s done her job and doesn’t matter anymore.

How soon after birth will you be staying, anyway ? I know I couldn’t wait to get back home after having my second and the same was true most of my contemporaries.

I don’t get the ‘fair turns’ about letting your MIL to see you over your own DM. They both have equal claim on seeing the baby (something which does NOT have to be achieved straight away) but your own DM has a different interest as well, in seeing her daughter after she has been through childbirth.

I think it's fine just to see your mum. And I say this as a mum of an only DS - would not expect a future DIL to see me in the same way as her mum.

And by the same token, if DS was recovering in hospital I'd expect to see DS first before his MIL did.

There's nothing on here about the new father in general and what he might want though. Or does he not matter?

Yes the woman has given birth but it's still his baby too. Men should have a right to say that that they would like their parents to see the new baby imo.

I'm just glad DS didn't shut me out when my GC was born. Although I didn't overstay my welcome at the hospital and waited to be told when I could visit, even though DILs family were camped there for days beforehand.

I did this. First time my in laws arrived when I was still in a room covered in blood. I was exhausted and I didn't want to make small talk or hand my baby over when I had only just met him. Second time we didn't tell them baby had arrived until were home. I doubt MiL was happy as she is baby-obsessed, but we didn't discuss it with her or give her the opportunity to tell us. We also massively reduced visits - no dropping in uninvited.

Newborn babies don't need visitors. They just need their Mum. What their Mum needs is what goes. MiL is visiting for herself. Your own DM is visiting to support you. That is the difference. MiL will still see the baby once you get home and she will still get to have a relationship with the baby when he/she is old enough to bond with people outside the immediate family.

Obviously it depends on the MiL. For people who have super supportive MiLs who are there for Mum rather than for themselves, it is a different matter.

I think either just your partner or both mums. Your partner can't give birth but he is still an equal parent.

One day you may have a son and his partner may exclude you from a lot of things and think about how it will make you feel.

Not U at all.

Yes it's their grandchild too but it's the mothers body that's taken a battering so naturally she should only have people she's comfortable around her in a vulnerable atate there.

As many Mums breastfeed and all mums want to keep a close eye on the baby then the partner taking the baby to see them isn't really on either.

The baby will still be there in 4/5 Days time and if you're acreadonable person you want to not step on peoples toes.

Reasonable

There's nothing on here about the new father in general and what he might want though. Or does he not matter

And this is how I was manipulated and bullied into hospital visitors within 24hrs of giving birth, whilst receiving a botched blood transfusion (drained into my skin which is surprisingly painful) and unable to feel when I needed to urinate after being catheterised on top of no sleep for fourty eight hours and finding my feet actually with the baby.

Of course the dad matters but if he needs support he has the option of seeing people outside visiting hours of the woman isn’t feeling comfortable with it.

The woman is the patient or newly discharged patient not the baby. It’s astounding how many people are so self absorbed they can’t be excited just as much a day, week or even month later.

They’re babies for a decent length of time, there’s no need to make someone suffer in the process of ‘getting there first’.

I was certainly surprised by the amount of people who suddenly thought it was appropriate to barge into my home and demand attention and waiting on in the weeks following the birth of my dd. Outstandingly rude and entitled.

I had a fairly straightforward delivery with my little one but I still felt like I’d been hit by a train for weeks. I was pushed into having too many visitors in hospital when I really just wanted my mum and dad. I never properly managed to get breastfeeding established and I think the constant visitors in the early days is the reason why.

I’m usually very assertive but didn’t have the confidence to say no. If we have another one it will be very different.

Your mil bulldozed herself in to be first with the last one. It's your dm's turn this time.

If the mil is a pushy sort then just don't tell her that you're in labour. Wait until you're ready.

Seems to be a big thing in the uk to restrict visitors from the fathers side as if they have nothing to do with the baby and then to have lots of mother in law groans and moans as the children grow up . Maybe people reap what they sow .

I didn't want any visitors apart from my husband of course. It was great to bond with my daughter and learn how to be a mum without people interrupting me and tearing her away from me to have cuddles. Next baby I will definitely do that again too. My in laws were upset but I dont care my baby, my rules. So do what you feel is best!

as if they have nothing to do with the baby

And this is precisely my point - people acting like it’s of the utmost importance to meet the baby ASAP. It’s really not, it’s not like the baby has any clue what’s going on.

What’s actually happening is the woman doesn’t feel recovered enough to have visits by anyone she doesn’t feel particularly comfortable with - be that because of breastfeeding, pain and bleeding or her mental health.

Ignoring someone’s health and demanding to get your own way is hardly going to endear you to anyone is it?

I actually would have welcomed my dp’s mother’s support in the days following dd’s birth (as previously pointed out there were no toes to tread on) but that’s not the kind of person she is.

My grievance and experience from my ‘d’p inviting a host of his close friends to come for a gawp. He prioritised them over his family so clearly they are important to him but it still shouldn’t have happened. I’m much closer to them than his mother and I still didn’t want them there.

Barge into your home and demand attention Cornettoninja?

Who were these people?

I’m pregnant and I think as I will be the patient in hospital having just pushed an actual person out of me then I should get to call the shots on who visits me. If I want my mum and only my mum then tough shit. It’s MY feelings as the patient that take priority. I love my mil but if that’s the decision I as the patient make then I expect that to be respected.