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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To issue baby name ultimatum?

214 replies

MarlowsGhost · 14/07/2018 22:16

No idea if IABU or not to contemplate doing this, so looking to get some thoughts.

DH and I are shortly expecting our first child, a boy. I have a boys name I have absolutely loved for years, my absolute favourite by a country mile. No other name comes close, I’ve frantically searched baby name books and the names board on MN but I just don’t love any name like this one.

DH hates it. He can’t give any real reason, he just doesn’t like the name.

He has recently suggested using a family name as DS’s middle name, as it’s a family tradition. I’m not keen on this name at all. WIBU to say that we can use this family middle name, on the provision that we use the first name I love? I don’t want to pull the “I’ll be the one pushing him out” card but I feel if he wants this family middle name, I should get final say on the first name.

OP posts:
Justtheonequestion · 15/07/2018 22:27

Wow..so a man has to be bullied up the aisle just so he can have an equal say on his own child's surname... Plenty of parents have different surnames to their kids, it's not the end of the world.
No, he doesn't, but don't expect your partner to have a separate name from you and your kid based on the fact that if you split, she will likely be prime carer, but have a different name from the kid which LIVES WITH HER.
My children have MY name. Because they are mine, I am their mother. Just because they have another parent, they grew inside of me and I gave birth to them. They are my flesh. No way in hell are they not having my name. If a man wants that right, of sharing a name with his child, which he has made WITH me, then we will be married. If not, no way.
And obviously I'm the only sane person regarding this because I went to surestart the other day and the 9 other women had different surnames from their own children. Nice.

Bluebell878275 · 15/07/2018 23:25

Confused ......... So yes....in your words he does according to you. Yes...'just a father/parent'..only equal with the mother's permission...

Justtheonequestion · 16/07/2018 07:22

Yes, than. 100%. Nobody will be more parent to my child than me. Certainly not a bloke. Men have enough privileges in life. Not sure why thats a bad thing or what your face is for Confused

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/07/2018 07:27

Nobody will be more parent to my child than me. Certainly not a bloke

The father of your children must be thrilled with that attitude Hmm

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 07:32

Nobody will be more parent to my child than me. Certainly not a bloke

Sexist drivel. Giving birth doesn't make you a better parent, or a more important parent. It doesn't give you mystical parenting powers. And your kids aren't 'your flesh' - they're a) an equal genetic mix of you and their father and b) their own people, independent of your body, not belonging to anyone other than themselves.

I can't bear this kind of attitude - it's what keeps women chained to childcare while men are free to return to work without guilt, because if no one can be more of a parent than a woman, she must be primary carer Hmm

Give your child whatever surname you like but don't perpetuate sexist bullshit to defend it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/07/2018 07:36

I don’t like Evan, and wouldn’t want a son called Evan so I’m with your DH.

I think compromise is the only way to go. Better to have a name both of you like, than a name that one loves and one hates.

That goes for the middle name too.

Dowser · 16/07/2018 09:00

My grandson is called Evan
I love it. Can’t see anything about it not to like.
All my grandchildren have beautiful names.
Their parents did well.

SoupDragon · 16/07/2018 09:04

Nobody will be more parent to my child than me

I agree. However, the DC’s father is not any less of their parent than me. I couldn’t have made these children without him after all.

diddl · 16/07/2018 09:09

If Op has decided to take her husband's surname them surely it's now the family name & doesn't mean that the baby already has one of her husband's names so she gets to choose the first name?

Starlighter · 16/07/2018 09:12

I liked Evan too but my DH thought it sounded like someone saying ‘heaven’ but dropping the ‘H’ which put me off...

Dowser · 16/07/2018 09:15

Almost rtft...didn’t realise there was so much hate for Evan
The only other one I know is my age...mid 60s

Can’t see what’s to dislike. It’s a good solid name. It’s the welsh version of John.

Another good solid name that’s probably fallen out of popularity thanks to Jonathons , Jordans, Josh etc

Shame he doesn’t like it op
But then I feel the same way about Mabel, Agnes, Olive, Bessie etc

KindergartenKop · 16/07/2018 09:18

I haven't rtft but my suggestion is:
CompromiseName Evan FamilyName Surname

Bluebell878275 · 16/07/2018 09:21

Yes, than. 100%. Nobody will be more parent to my child than me. Certainly not a bloke. Men have enough privileges in life. Not sure why thats a bad thing or what your face is for confused

Bloody hell, can you imagine a man saying this! He would be lynched. Glad to see others have also pulled you up on your sexist bollocks. What a shameful attitude towards a gender that just happens to be different to yours.

TrudeauGirl · 16/07/2018 10:23

Yes, than. 100%. Nobody will be more parent to my child than me. Certainly not a bloke. Men have enough privileges in life. Not sure why thats a bad thing or what your face is for confused

By "bloke" you mean the father of the child

Hmm
Fabricwitch · 16/07/2018 10:26

YABU. 2 hated names are not better than 1!

bakedlikeabun · 16/07/2018 10:31

Ds has a name I did not like at all. I chose the middle name, which I love but it’never really used. I don’t love ds’ name now he’s older, but I totally love him and it’s what he’s called, so it does grow on you I suppose. Can’t imagine him being called anything else really. I did choose second child’s name though!
Anything we both could agree on was miles down the list. If it had been a dd it would have been my choice first. There are lots of ways to do this.

CocoFlannel9 · 16/07/2018 10:32

I obv need my first coffee of the day because I thought for a moment you were asking if it WBU to issue your baby with the name 'Ultimatum'. Doh...

Wolfpac · 16/07/2018 10:43

My DH hated the name I chose for DD but when I went into labour I put my foot down and told him I was naming her this name and now he thinks it's so lovely and she just suits her name. I actually did use the "well I'm doing the hard work and she gets your last name so I get the first name haha he picked her middle name and we couldn't have chosen any other name for her!)
Evan is a lovely name. It will grow on your DH and he will love it hes probably just playing you like my DH was!

Clionba · 16/07/2018 10:46

I think Evan is a horrible name and I would have hated my son to be called that! It just shows you how subjective taste is. I would suggest something a bit neutral that you're both ok with, and it will grow on you. There are loads to choose from! Good luck.

glitterfarts · 16/07/2018 11:05

I like this suggestion:
CompromiseName Evan FamilyName Surname

Baby is already getting DH's surname and DH's family middle name.

You should have more say in the first name therefore.

AngelsSins · 16/07/2018 11:18

Totally ridiculous/sexist to say the woman gets more say because she has to give birth!

It’s totally ridiculous/sexist that most kids automatically get their fathers last name, but they still seem to get that privilege, unquestioned most of the time. So why shouldn’t the mother, who lets face it, in most cases, will do most of the parenting, get more of a say over the first name?

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 11:27

It’s totally ridiculous/sexist that most kids automatically get their fathers last name, but they still seem to get that privilege, unquestioned most of the time. So why shouldn’t the mother, who lets face it, in most cases, will do most of the parenting, get more of a say over the first name?

Because women do have a choice over whether their baby has her surname or their father's! Women don't have to take their husbands last names and babies don't have to be given them. A child's name - first and last - should be a decision in which both parents get an equal say.

And if women do most of the parenting it's in large part because of sexist bullshit like that upthread about the mother being 'more' of a parent than the father. The sooner we dispose of that attitude and see both parents as equals, the sooner women might start seeing some fairness and equality when it comes to childcare.

VulvaofSteel · 16/07/2018 11:28

OH but that's tradition and nothing to do with sexism, and you do know that women's surnames are always awful so it just make sense to give the child its father's name.

Also the poor dears don't get the joy of vomiting for nine months and ruining their bodies and pissing whenever they sneeze. So it's fair to let them have that.

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 12:13

Birth needs to be separated from parenting here.

Birth is something mothers experience and they need to have total control over their own birth and pregnancy experiences. The preferences of the father are not relevant in respect of pregnancy and birth. I don't think that's in dispute.

But that doesn't mean that fathers are less of a parent than mothers, and suggesting so is an attitude that has kept women chained to childcare for centuries when many families would benefit enormously from ending the stigma of fathers being primary caregivers. Mothers don't have more rights over their kids than fathers. They aren't automatically better parents. They don't instinctively know best. Greater control over their kids is not a 'reward' for going through pregnancy.

Women deserve freedom from patriarchal systems of oppression, and that includes perpetuating the stereotype that women are more responsible for their kids than men, or more natural caregivers, or more important parents. It's attitudes like that which have led to the glass ceiling, the wage gap, the CEO gap, the skills gap. Women deserve better than this.

VulvaofSteel · 16/07/2018 12:25

Well, when men start paying their female employees the same wage as their male countrparts, and start taking flexable leave, and taking their wives names, and ask what their child's surname will be be before automatically assuming it will be their own... then we can tackle those bits of sexism the poor men are suffering from. In the meantime, you push a human out of your vagina in a world that will judge you for giving your surname to your child, you pick the first name.