To issue baby name ultimatum?

[MarlowsGhost]

No idea if IABU or not to contemplate doing this, so looking to get some thoughts.

DH and I are shortly expecting our first child, a boy. I have a boys name I have absolutely loved for years, my absolute favourite by a country mile. No other name comes close, I’ve frantically searched baby name books and the names board on MN but I just don’t love any name like this one.

DH hates it. He can’t give any real reason, he just doesn’t like the name.

He has recently suggested using a family name as DS’s middle name, as it’s a family tradition. I’m not keen on this name at all. WIBU to say that we can use this family middle name, on the provision that we use the first name I love? I don’t want to pull the “I’ll be the one pushing him out” card but I feel if he wants this family middle name, I should get final say on the first name.

What about Ethan, or Edward?

Surely the easiest way is to both write a preferred list of names then compare? Simples!

I think fathers need a say in the name too. It would be unfair to go with a name that one parent absolutely hates.

You can't call your child something your DH hates, Evan is not a name I'd choose either tbh.

Would you be okay with the baby having the middle name first and then Evan as the middle name?

I doubt it as you know the first name will be used constantly and you wouldn't want to have to use a name you hate.

So I think you both have to veto it and think of new names.

P.s I'm also anti-Evan but that's because I was bullied by an Evan in school 🙄

Christopher could be shortened to Kit? We nearly chose that for ds.

Evan is... not my cup of tea. I’m with your dh (sorry).

Anyway, you can’t pick a name your dh actively hates. A compromise is needed, definitely. Imagine your ds being called a name you hate. Not nice.

Fwiw, dh chose out dc1 name. We cut a deal that if we’d choose a name each off a pre-approved list; one for girls, one for boys. If it was a girl, we’d use dh’s choice. If it was a boy, we’d use mine. We had a girl, so we used his. So I got more of a say with dc2. We still chose together though. I think it’s a horrible idea to just pick a name, refuse to budge and deliver an ultimatum.

Excuse typos, sorry.

Been there done that. Had a name I loved so much lined up for dd2. DH hated it with a passion. We compromised on a first name and she has my beloved name as a middle name. Although I have to admit I was so upset that I waited outside with dd1 while he went in to register her. I'm still gutted.

YABU you can't use a name one parent hates. Be grown ups and find a name you both love.

It's his child, you cannot use a name he hates. It's not as if there's anything magically wonderful about the name anyway.

Bear in mind that if you insist he may well start using the second name anyway; others may well follow his lead and you'll find yourself landed with that name as the name generally used.

You'll find something that's not Evan. You may have found it already but just not seen it in the right light, that's what happened for me.

Me too. DD's name was in one of my baby name books, but I passed over it at the time. Then DM suggested the name and once I realised how it was spelt, I liked it. I gave it a lot of thought over the next couple of days and grew to love it.

There will be other names out there you could fall in love with.

Sorry, but why would you want to use a name, your DH hates? Not really fair. And we're talking the first name here, so the name the child will actually go by. So again, not fair.

When I was expecting DD3, I really pushed for the name Mabel, but DH hated it. It wasn't easy to give it up, but I realised I could never really use it, knowing DH hated it. She is his daughter too!

Would you be happy to name your baby a name that you hate? The answer to that question answers your aibu

So the baby will already have a traditional name from your husband’s family - his surname.

Going back to your original question, it would be reasonable for you to veto Derek if husband vetoes Evan . Both parents have equal veto powers, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

Compromise means both parties negotiating a mutually acceptable solution, not one party giving in because the other is more insistent.

I’d wait until he’s born then see if you can agree on a name that suits.

If not, either do as a PP suggests and go with Compromise Evan Derek Surname, or ditch both Evan and Derek and go for Compromise1 Compromise2 Surname.

How about Evander? Sorry if it’s already been suggested.

That's pretty selfish - you think its OK to choose a name you like but he doesn't like it. What sort of start would your partner's relationship with his son have if he's had to make such a big compromise before he's even born. The family 2nd name is not a huge deal - people very rarely use their 2nd names.

I have a DS called Evan! He is 4 and I only know of one other who is older.

It wasn't my first choice, I really wanted to call him Ruben but DH really wasn't keen.

Evan was one that we both liked and agreed on but when he was born he just didn't look like an Evan and I really wasn't sure, he was a week old before we steeled on it and I'm so glad, I love it now!

It has recently started to be shortened to Evs, started by my brother!

Naming a baby defiantly needs a compromise but Evan gets my vote!

Are you giving him your husbands surname? If so I think you should get to choose the first name.

I have no real opinion on the name Evan but Evan Dando and Evan Peters (from AHS) seem like lovely guys

I can’t stand the name Evan. My friend has an Evan and every time she mentions him I cringe at his name

What a very bizarre overreaction

OP you’re not issuing an ultimatum, you’re offering a compromise.

Of course your OH might not agree in which case you both need to pick new names.

I donr understand why any unmarried woman would give their child the fathers surname. If you split the mother will likely have custody. Give it the maternal surname to change on marriage. And if you arent good enough to marry ie they dont want to, then even more important.

Many many names I like, many more I'm OK with. There are only a few I actively hate...

Sorry Evan is one of them, along with Violet and any girls name ending in May/mae and and the Kyle/ darren/derren.

Reminds me of the shop... It sounds a watery, uninteresting name...

It will be shortened to Ev...my pal's son... It too makes me cringe... Lovely lad though.

Or 'Ev-ee'.....

Sorry, but you can't use a name your DH hates. I'm sympathetic because my DH hates my absolute favourite name too - but I can't force him to like it. And he doesn't need a reason - sometimes you just don't like something and that's how it is.

Don't issue ultimatums. Don't act like you have more of a claim over your baby because you're the one giving birth.

You have to keep talking with DH until you come to something you're happy with. If you don't like the suggested middle name don't have it, but don't use it as leverage to get your way.

Are there names similar to Evan you can both get on board with? Ivan / Ethan / Ewan / Owen etc?

Oh heck no to Evan. There are a million names out there find one you both like.

Justtheonequestion And if you arent good enough to marry ie they dont want to, then even more important

Wow..so a man has to be bullied up the aisle just so he can have an equal say on his own child's surname... Plenty of parents have different surnames to their kids, it's not the end of the world.

There were quite a few names I loved that dh vetoed when we had kids, frustrating but he had an equal say. Totally ridiculous/sexist to say the woman gets more say because she has to give birth! Equally if you don’t like the middle name he’s chosen say so.