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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To issue baby name ultimatum?

214 replies

MarlowsGhost · 14/07/2018 22:16

No idea if IABU or not to contemplate doing this, so looking to get some thoughts.

DH and I are shortly expecting our first child, a boy. I have a boys name I have absolutely loved for years, my absolute favourite by a country mile. No other name comes close, I’ve frantically searched baby name books and the names board on MN but I just don’t love any name like this one.

DH hates it. He can’t give any real reason, he just doesn’t like the name.

He has recently suggested using a family name as DS’s middle name, as it’s a family tradition. I’m not keen on this name at all. WIBU to say that we can use this family middle name, on the provision that we use the first name I love? I don’t want to pull the “I’ll be the one pushing him out” card but I feel if he wants this family middle name, I should get final say on the first name.

OP posts:
Poloshot · 15/07/2018 08:30

I'm with your DH on this

LakieLady · 15/07/2018 08:31

Do you have a 2nd favourite, and would you be prepared to compromise on that?

I think it's a bit U to insist on a name the other parent really doesn't like, tbh.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 15/07/2018 08:31

Friends Obviously no child names themselves but my post was about thinking bigger picture than just, "I pushed him out".
How can you expect his father to call him something he hates for the rest of his life?
Obviously the fetus isn't worried but children like to know why they are named and will have an view if you make a bad choice.

hellohello12345 · 15/07/2018 08:33

Why would you want to name your son something your husband hates?!?!? Sorry but you have to work together to find something you both agree on and love.

diddl · 15/07/2018 08:33

Not being quite keen on the name he wants as a middle name isn't quite the same as him hating the name that you want as a first name is it?

I thought it was going to be an unusual, maybe a bit "out there" nae.

Evan-meh!

Find a name that you both like.

FASH84 · 15/07/2018 08:36

I'm with your DH it's such a wishy-washy name. Not sure why you feel so strongly about it.

greenlavender · 15/07/2018 08:37

You can't call your baby something that his DF hates - totally unreasonable.

TheCatFromOuterSpace · 15/07/2018 08:41

I think you could suggest it as a compromise, but if your dh says no you will have to think of new names.

I agree with a pp who says that if the baby is having your dhs surname, and family middle name, then it is quite reasonable for you to have a bigger say in the first name.

However if your dh doesn't agree to your suggestion, then you should use Evan as the middle name and find a new first name that you both like.

yearofthewoman · 15/07/2018 08:47

How would you feel, calling your child a name you hate for the rest of your life?

This is a decision that you both need to agree on. Irrespective of what the name is.

FWIW I found it hard to find names I liked for my DC (DP was much more laid back about names). But we got there in the end! DS when he was 1 day old, DD when she was 2 weeks old!

I read - and rejected - names in 8 baby names books!

You'll find something that's not Evan. You may have found it already but just not seen it in the right light, that's what happened for me.

yearofthewoman · 15/07/2018 08:48

What is it you like about Evan? Maybe we can help you find some alternatives.

MustBeThursday · 15/07/2018 08:49

Not unreasonable to offer that as a compromise. If he wants the middle name that much he might agree even if he's not crazy about the name Evan. DH wasn't too keen on DD2s name, to be honest, but I let him choose our nickname for her (not the shortening I would have preferred) which has now completely stuck and everyone uses it (even me!).

@sayanythingelse I wanted Violet for DD1 and DH didn't (PILs pulled all sorts of faces about it which may have influenced him...) so I did pull out the "well you wouldn't let me use Violet" when DD2 came along to use my preferred name even when PILs made faces about that one too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 08:51

I'm with DH, sorry. Evan is so watery and weak.

LillianGish · 15/07/2018 08:53

If he really hates it you should think again. Would you be prepared to settle for a name you really hated? By the same token I wouldn’t veto the 1970s family name if you dislike it. Your baby should have his own name and you should both like it.

QueenofmyPrinces · 15/07/2018 08:56

I can’t stand the name Evan. My friend has an Evan and every time she mentions him I cringe at his name.

I’m with your husband.

You cannot force him to agree to a name he hates. Your ultimatum really isn’t fair as in real life not many people care about middle babes so it won’t actually effect you, whereas your husband will have to cope every day with hating his son’s first name.

My son has two middle names, neither of which I’m overly bothered about (also based on tradition) but I know in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter as nobody is really bothered about what a child’s middle name is.

I’ve yet to have someone say to me, “Oh lovely, what’s his middle name?” immediately after I’ve told them that I’ve had a baby.....

Imagine if your husband forced you to call your baby a name you hated?

And also, the name your husband wants as the middle name is actually a tradition so I’m guessing it’s important to him, so to blackmail him and say he can’t use it unless he agrees to a name that you like is quite a shitty thing to do anyway.

Maybe you need to find a new name and then have Evan and the name your husband likes as two middle names?

I don’t know what the solution is but I don’t think you have any right to issue your ultimatum.

DartmoorDoughnut · 15/07/2018 08:57

My DH didn’t like my name choice for DS2, we agreed on a normal name - George for the record! - but as delivery date came closer I just couldn’t stick with it so I argued for my choice of first name and he chose his middle names.

LagunaBubbles · 15/07/2018 08:58

Also sorry... I also pull the Vagina card. When he pushes a rugby ball through his nose he can have a full choice. The reason Mothers register the birth is because it's their physical offspring and theirs to register

What a load of selfish sexist rubbish. For a start Father's can register births to if they're married to the mother. I'm glad I view my DH as an equal parent to my 3, as that is an awful attitude to parenting and relationships. Thankfully my DH wasn't just a sperm donor and we agreed on names together.

OP I like your name Evan actually but I couldn't call my child something DH hated and vice versa.

NameChange30 · 15/07/2018 09:00
  1. You should find a first name that you both like. DH might grow to like Evan by the time your son is born, but you should shortlist alternatives in case he doesn’t.
  1. I disagree with men insisting on a “family name” as a middle name. Fuck that. The vast majority of men give their children their surname. So they already have a family name from their father. The mother’s surname or family names rarely feature at all. So if baby is going to have the father’s name, the middle name should be one from the mother’s family.

Compromise on first name, don’t insist on a name your DH hates. But don’t use DH’s “family name” as a middle name, especially if you dislike it.

user1467662525 · 15/07/2018 09:01

How about Adam?

user1467662525 · 15/07/2018 09:02

Both of you write a list of preferred names, then compare....you may have chosen the same one. Simples!!

Original poster
MarlowsGhost · 15/07/2018 09:03

Yes, he will be having DH’s surname.

I like it as it’s cute for small children but also a sensible adult name, I can’t bear cutesy or twee names. I think it’s strong sounding, is timeless and can’t really be shortened or nicknamed - For example I like names like Christopher, Michael etc but HATE Chris and Mike, which they would inevitably get shortened to.

OP posts:
dayswithaY · 15/07/2018 09:13

My husband did not like my all time favourite girl's name and pulled faces whenever I mentioned it during the pregnancy. Once she was born he was so in love with her he said "Call her what you like" and now we can't imagine her being called anything else, she just is her name. I have loved this name since I was about ten so I was so happy that he just gave way like that, it made me realise how generous he is. His parents on the other hand just shuddered and made vomit noises when we told them. Nice people.

Pompom42 · 15/07/2018 09:13

Evan is really popular around here. I work with children and there's 7 where I work. I'd say if you can't agree on it you can't have it.

MrsNjie · 15/07/2018 09:17

OP I had the same with my eldest RE shortening names. I wanted to call him Samuel but didn't like Sam so he's now Logan Samuel (before Logan got super common - he's 10 🙄)
We couldn't agree on DS2 either... i let DH choose middle name but he had to agree to first name (didn't get my first choice)

OwlinaTree · 15/07/2018 09:19

What about Christopher but shorten to Kit? This was my dream name but didn't go with our surname!

yearofthewoman · 15/07/2018 09:28

Daniel
Ewan
Thomas
James
Joseph