MIL, breastfeeding and control.

[flamingox]

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

Breast feeding is Fab and the most convenient by far. No scrubbing and brushing and taking apart feats of engineering (to avoid colic) and then using the world's smallest brush to clean the damn things ... And that's before the whole sterilising palava. I wish my DD would have just damn well latched on for more than 30 seconds!

They're being stupidly unreasonable. Sing and sign is great and really improves vocabulary (I taught my DD myself and had her signing at 6 months). The first time I left my DD she was 7 weeks old, with my mum for 10 mins to pop to the shop with my DF.

Ignore her. But baby led weaning and sign and sign sounds like hipster bollocks.

Yes she is nuts but you know that.

In terms of leaving the room though to feed/not feeding in public you should do what you feel comfortable with too. Fine if you want to stay in your living room (or aren't very mobile) in which case everyone else should just get on with it or leave, but if it just makes you feel awkward then that isn't helpful to establishing feeding either. I used to find heading off to my bedroom to feed a great way of getting some time away from certain visitors

Don't give in. It will be tough though. My IL didn't like me breastfeeding and expected me to leave the room or cover dd with a towel. I kept going though. Same MIL gave my dd peanuts when she was a year old too...

Congratulations on your pregnancy, your baby your rules, your baby should be with mum and dad that’s the most important bonding, they are all been totally unreasonable. I breastfed both my girls and it was a wonderful experience yes I suppose it did limit us at times but why would you not want to have this time with your child.hopr your birth goes well and don’t be manipulated into something you don’t want.my mil and sil are so opinionated and pushy it makes me back away from them.💐

They are fucking batshit. It's not THEIR baby, it's YOUR baby. Unless you were ill, there is no reason at all where a family needs to take a baby away from its mother so early.

I have to admit I am not exactly a breastfeeding advocate, I truly feel the pressure I was put under to breast fed my first added to my postnatal depression, as I wasn't able to and Felt I had let my DD down, but your MIL is bat shit.
Breastfeeding is about doing what you feel is best for your baby, and no one can argue you that breast milk is beneficial in the first few weeks, with the colostrum etc.
She is the one that wants to be in control and be able to take your baby when ever she wants. Tell her you are breastfeeding and wether you were formula feeding or not, you would still have the control as it is your baby, not hers, and if she doesn't like it you will go no contact.

“consider your partner. It’s his baby too. So he has a say”

Not over how the baby’s fed he bloody doesn’t!

I would tell her: yes, that’s precisely why I want to BF, to keep baby away from family.

Hi, wanted to firstly say congratulations, and secondly agree with everyone who has said ‘your baby, your rules’ and that your MIL is completely in the wrong.
Stay strong and take each day as it comes once the baby is here- breastfeeding is hard work- but also the most wonderful thing ever- if you do and can.
I have breast fed my 3 children for 2 years each- well on one year with the youngest atm.
I can totally relate your story-
I was told that I would have to have my baby at the ILS and couldn’t go to stay with my mother (we were living with ILS- a condition placed upon us for having the audacity to marry each other- yep).
When my first was born- the MIL then proceeded to mentally abuse me every chance she could- she told me that I was selfish and the only reason I was breast feeding was so she couldn’t hold my baby- when that didn’t work- she then told me that my child- her only grandchild at that point- would die because my milk wasn’t enough or good for him! She bullied me, manipulated every single day- I had to push through and carry on with breastfeeding to establish it- but due to her viciousness we were struggling- and then came the cherry on top- when while I was upstairs with my child having to change the nappy in the bedroom as the house would get dirty otherwise- the MIL sat with my HV in the front room for half an hour before even letting me know that the HV was there to see me- (she even sat in while the HV’s would come to see me!), when I got downstairs I found out from the HV that the MIL had been trying to make me sound unhinged and saying that I had lost the plot- and asking about ways of how she could obtain custody of my child! That was the last straw for me after putting up with all the daily abuse- it was constant, about anything and everything to do with my child- she just wanted my child- still does! Thankfully we moved out not long after that and I carried on breastfeeding- which was sooo much easier the second and third time, I am really grateful though to the midwives I had for my first- had it not been for them I don’t think I could have handled on demand breastfeeding- as other posters have said it can vary each day- and it does take a lot out of you and you do need support to help you- support is important- your determination is important- and stick by your guns of what feels right- and you will do what’s right for you and your baby- because it is your child and you love that child.
I do apologise for my post being a bit too long x

You don’t have to master feeding under a cover in your own home. Please feel comfortable feeding your baby, don’t escape upstairs or to another room, if anyone is uncomfortable- let them leave. Tell your MIL that baby will be breastfed and won’t be going anywhere with anyone else to bond or otherwise- tell her now so she knows the score, you’re holding all the cards OP, know your own strength and create some boundaries now before baby comes as your hormones will be all over and you’ll second guess yourself. Even writing down, like your birth plan - your “mummy plan” will give you a clear outline of what you are/not comfortable with to use as a reference point. And have a thought mantra .... I don’t care how you raised your children, I want x,y,z for my baby and I’m doing it my way ... or something to remind you of why you don’t want to absorb their advice. You’ve got this OP, take it away!!

You’ve had some good advice here so just to add a word of moral support...you’re doing the right thing in resisting demands. You’re not being unreasonable. There’s a huge amount of scientific evidence documented now on the fact that the early weeks and months are vitally important in developing strong attachments between baby and primary caregivers (you and partner!) as others have said, bonding with others can come later. Unless you are asking / need your mother in law to play a primary role in caregiving (I know some people have to go back to work at 3 months in US for eg) then it is unreasonable for her to disrupt that process by demanding you give baby to her. Sounds like she is feeling very threatened that you are planning to do things differently. Sometimes people project onto others what they are feeling or doing - she says you are being controlling without acknowledging your right to decide for your baby - the controlling behaviour is in fact coming from her! It takes a lot of courage to withstand this kind of thing but I think you’re right to hold firm. Can you ask partner to talk to her. Mine had that conversation in week 1 of baby’s life. Was so vital!

Just to add - if you wanted any detail on that research evidence, I did a FutureLearn course from Warwick School Medicine which was free and really good. Might still be available, something like ‘psychology of babies’ or similar, and Linda Blair is also good on this.

She is nuts! Breast feeding is the biological norm. It is one of the best things you can do for your baby. It helps their immunity, provides individualized sustenance and provides comfort. If your baby is a bit unwell, their saliva on your breast helps your body develop infection fighting properties specific to your baby. Your milk even changes during the course of a feed to satisfy different needs I.e. hunger or thirst. Of course for those who cant breast feed formula is an excellent second choice. And every mum is trying to do the best ffor their baby given their own situation. But there is no way it is equal to or better than an individualised product developed by the body which grew and nurtured the baby.

In my opinion (and based on personal experience of a pushy MIL) people who push you to bottle feed are often doing so for their own selfish reasons AKA they want sole care of the baby at an age when it would be still dependent on the mother. My MIL used to try to convince me she was looking out for my interests. But actually what would have been in my best interest is her butting out. It was MY and MY husband's baby, NOT hers. She had her turn. Do not let her push you around, you will regret it.

My MIL was also anti me co-sleeping (safely) and even used to criticise the way I rocked my baby. It is infuriating and I suspect you are in for a frustrating time until you make it utterly clear that while supportive advice is ok, unsolicited opinions on every choice you make are not.

Good luck.

Wow that's a new one!
Sounds to me like you're approaching it all very sensibly and should just keep on with what you feel is right for you. Where I've seen friends/family come unstuck with baby feeding is when they either haven't had the support/advice they needed to breastfeed successfully and felt they had failed as a result or felt pressured to continue breast feeding when it wasn't right for them or felt judged for bottle feeding when it was the best thing for their family. There are plenty of excellent reasons why breastfeeding is great as lots of pps have pointed out. There are also plenty of times when formula feeding is the right choice but crazy ideas from MIL are not one of them!
Good luck!

Hi
you must set boundaries and stick to them. Come up with a plan, write it down and make it clear to MIL that you won't budge.

My MIL was never satisfied. As soon as DS1 was born she tried to gain custody of him. She lived abroad at the time and told DH that the baby was coming to live with her at 3 days old because she had more experience than us and we weren't psychologically ready to be parents because we were inexperienced! What new parent is experienced?

She spent two days whilst I was in the hospital with DS1 telling DH everything that could possibly go wrong including telling DH that DS1 was most likely brain damaged from the birth (he wasn't) and that we therefore should give him to her to care for (as if it would have mattered to us!! - we would have loved him anyway). Needless to say DH was a nervous wreck when I saw him.

DS1 was a premie and born without a suck reflex so we got help with this. In the meantime I expressed and fed him from a bottle until he could do it himself. it only took a month or so but when she was visiting she would grab the bottle off me and feed him before I had a chance to pick him up. She also hit me when I went to pick up my own child when he cried. She continually told me to bottle feed and went so far as to give me formula and tell me my child was starving!! Needless to say I got all the "you're a terrible mother" comments and was told what a saint she was to put up with my terrible parenting skills!

In the end she was given an ultimatum.

You may well have to go this route and it may be worthwhile discussing this with DH so that you have his full support. Is he prepared to stand against MIL and SIL?

It is your child and your rules. You don't need your MIL's approval.
Good luck.

You're the mum.

Consider your partner. It’s his baby too. So he has a say.

Is he growing the baby inside him for almost 10 months, and then either pushing it our or undergoing major abdominal surgery to birth it? Didn't think so.

She will know her newborn better than anyone. So what the mum says should go, end of story, at least at the beginning. Mother's instinct. And either BF or FF it's no-one else's business to be "bonding" with the baby on those first weeks.

Wow the crazy stories on here! Some people are seriously unhinged!

Please come back OP - hope you feel supported by all the PPs and have your DH behind you in your approach to MIL xx

Hi OP - stand firm and get your DH to deal with her so you can enjoy your happy baby bubble without stress from the old boot.

Well that took a turn I wasn't expecting!

YANBU. At all. If you want to breastfeed, that's your choice (and one healthcare will be very supportive of!) and people can either support you or get out.

Your husband needs to act as a gatekeeper in those early weeks, including from his mum. You are very vulnerable when you have just had a baby, you need to be sure he has your back.

Funnily enough, I'm doing a lot of the things you're talking about! Baby is two months old, he was in a Moses basket initially but moved into a side-sleeper at three or four weeks. It's been an absolute lifesaver for night feeding in particular but also for bonding. Sing and sign is fun for you and baby too! Make sure you find some mother and baby groups too, it's nice to have support/social interaction with other women who are also new mothers.

Good luck with the breastfeeding - it's such a special thing but as a PP said don't stress it too much either. Look up your local La Leche League and/or baby cafe etc before baby comes so you know where to get help if you need it.

Your MIL and SIL can get with the program or get out, imo!

kellymom.com

Not sure if you have seen this website but I found it extremely useful.

I found bf a challenge for the first ten weeks or so then it was super easy. Stick with it if it’s what you want to do and have a few sources of real life support too (la leche, bf cafes etc.)

Good luck. They sound an absolute nightmare. I would be discussing with dh where your boundaries are here and what you need him to do if they do certain things.

For example - if someone physically grabs the baby. He needs to act. If someone starts on at you - he needs to speak up.

Don’t ever explain, justify or apologise for your decisions- don’t tell them your plans. Don’t rise to any goading. Smile, nod, a non comittal ‘mmmm’ or a ‘well we do it this way... why don’t you pop the kettle on?’

Bravo for wanting to try breastfeeding. 100% do it if you can.
Good for you & for baby.
Obv if it doesnt work out then its ok to move to bottles, but because its what you want not MIL! - i know many who tried but for many reasons couldn't or didnt want to continue.

My experience: I felt the same about feeding in front of people though when my DS1 was born, wouldnt even feed in front of my mum, dad, sis - anyone but DH.
I soon got over that when i realised how lonely i was sat on my own feeding him all the time. Like within the 1st few weeks!

I never used a cover either.

I started by feeding in front of mum & sis and slowly progressed to other family & friends. 1st time i needed to feed in public, i took my mum, we sat at a table in a food court and i fed him whilst we chatted - after that i fed anywhere.....once even in Nandos sat waiting for my food after a shopping trip with a friend lol.
Maybe got too comfey with my boobs out by the 2nd kid lol - would just pick kid up, pop a boob out and feed regardless of where i was.

My family never felt they missed out on bonding with my kids - they got them when they werent attched to a boob which gave me a break.

Good luck - and hope it all goes well for you.

Crazy ... never heard that breastfeeding was/is a form of control. Only vindictive, spiteful control freaks would think that way because that’s probably the type of thing they’d do. Just ignore and do what is best for you and your baby.