MIL, breastfeeding and control.

[flamingox]

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

She sounds like a nightmare. I would make it pretty clear, breastfeeding or not that no one will be taking the baby for the day when he/she is a few weeks old. For what it is worth my son was formula fed and I told our families that only my husband and I would be feeding him bottles and that didn’t go down well either. No one has any right to bond with your baby other than you and your partner so don’t let them bully you.

Interesting take on breastfeeding. There was me thinking I was choosing to nourish my baby’s body . I bfed dd for 2 1/2 years.

As for leaving the room, a baby feeds very frequently in the early days as a pp said. Dd would feed every couple of hours for about 40 mins. Then there’s cluster feeding in the afternoon, where dd was on and off the breast for about 3 hours.

I never worried about showing nipple. It was never deliberate. Those unable to handle it are unable to act like adults. Breasts are primarily for feeding. Sexual pleasure was a secondary evolutionary development.

Oh good lord. She is going to be an absolute nightmare. You need to make it clear from now that you and dh plan to do it your way. Your dh needs to tell her to respect your views. My mil was full of suggestions and outdated advice and I would just say something along the lines of 'oh right, we're going to do x, y and z we think' then change the subject.

YANBU - she sounds like trouble. Does she have form?

Does DH have a spine? He needs to act as gatekeeper and keep people like MIL/SIL away from you as you settle into parenthood together. If he won't, you have a DH problem.

Please tell me this awful woman doesn't have a key to your home?

Boundaries are what's needed here, and if that doesn't work, you move far far away

You don't need their approval. Why does their opinion matter?

Your baby. Your life. Your rules. People are batshit around babies, then by the time they are tantruming toddlers they are long gone.

Obviously YANBU but I don't think these pre-birth discussion are ever all that helpful. It's all very moot until baby arrives & you find out what kind of baby you have and what kind of mother you are. Just do what you need to do & stop telling her anything

Once your baby is born dress them in this and send her a photo.

Wow - thank you for so many replies!! It's good to know you all pretty much agree with me.

DH is not happy with them himself over different issues (announcing pregnancy before we had chance etc..) and I think this is cherry on top for him. He is going to see her early next week to have a talk.

Thankfully she doesn't have a key to the house and doubt she ever will have ;-)

Thanks for all the supportive comments about breastfeeding- I'm looking forward to starting hopefully a successful breastfeeding journey x

Well she sounds just delightful!

There's no way you'd want baby out of your sight in those first few weeks, she sounds rather loco for even thinking this!

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's purely your decision as you would only regret it.

Breastfeeding is amazing and has so many benefits, but it hard in those first few weeks - make sure you get a good feeding pillow. It literally saved my life!

Good luck and enjoy every moment xx

I agree with previous posters. Your mil is likely to become even more difficult. You will be quite vulnerable in the early days (exhaustion, hormones etc). Don't let her undermine you as it sounds like she will.

Just remember that babies don't necessarily sleep better on formula, they don't need to bond with others, you can co-sleep safely etc. Basically, presume any "advice" she gives comes with an agenda.

I would recommend getting the hang of feeding lying down as early as possible. You can then feed while sleeping. So long as you do it safely, it works for everyone.

The only thing I would say you are being a bit unreasonable about, is the notion of feeding under a cover. Unless you feel particularly uncomfortable feeding in public, there is absolutely no need. Once a baby is latched on, you can't see anything and you'll quickly get the hang of latching on discretely.

See I dont understand the mind set of anyone who thinks a mother should just let anyone come round when they want when they have just had their baby.....I have had several friends and relatives have babies in the last couple of years and wouldnt dream of going round uninvited!

I had severe health problems after dd was born and had to formula feed. It is a myth that ff allows "anyone " to feed. My dd had to spend a lot of time with my dh and mil because I was in hospital. My mil is very mindful of the emotional effect this had on my and, despite her efforts, it still rankles to this day if I start to think about it. Dd is 11. Tell your dh to back you up.

Smile, tilt head to side, nod and then carry on doing what you have set your mind to do with your baby.

You need to get yourself a suit of armour as some woman think they know everything and will give you their opinions even when it is glaringly obvious that they were a piss poor mother themselves with messed up adult children to prove it.

"No! This is what we are doing" repeat, repeat, repeat.

It has taken me six years of breastfeeding to get to this point, but the sooner you develop a very thick skin and learn to trust and believe in your own choices, the better.
I am a notorious long term breastfeeder but friend and dh STILL had to lecture me yesterday about "when she gets back from being away you have to wean her, you can't let her have a feed'.. my reply? "You have neither of you ever breastfed a toddler, you have no clue what you are talking about, and frankly I don't give a damn what you think, given it makes no difference to your lives. It's like seeing someone running a marathon and telling them to stop because you don't want to run marathons.odd.

"She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone..."

Unlike trying to guilt someone into bottle feeding which isn't controlling at all.

Just use the MN favourite the next time she starts banging on about what you should and shouldn't do "Not your monkey, not your circus."

as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL

So she's probably perceiving your choice to breastfeed as a personal criticism and coming up with all sorts of silly reasons why formula is better. Just make it clear it's not up for discussion.

flamingox
Your child, your life, your rules.
Your MIL is bang out of order and very wrong.

And yes yes yes to this:
Wow! Just wow! I'm increasingly realising lots of people are completely completely batshit

Do what you think is right. It is your kid after all. I did formula and had the opposite people asking about breastfeeding. Both are right for different people.

I just couldn't understand why anybody would think it's unreasonable to use something we're biologically provided with to do the job they're meant to do? It's like telling a cow that it can't feed its calf, or a dog not to feed its puppy? (Different for people who THEMSELVES choose not to or can't, of course.) But for an outsider to have such an objection and say it's due to "control"? Give me a break. SHE is trying to be controlling because she has just realised she "won't get a look in" with the newborn baby. (That's what will be going through her head) and yes, that's exactly as it should be: MIL YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, you had your babies! Move over and let mum do her thing!!!

"He is going to see her early next week to have a talk."

Why does he need to "have a talk"? Won't it just cause more bad feeling?
Just don't engage with her, and do what is best for your baby. It doesn't need a discussion.

I haven't rtft but did see your update on DH supporting you - great

Breast feeding is the number one WHO recommendation for infant feeding, I'm sure you know that already

And in terms of bonding with your baby, mil is off her head. I don't think I let my baby down more than the time it took me to have a shower/ eat dinner for the first 2months!

He's 9 months now and the longest he's spent without me is 5 hours when I went to a wedding. No way would I be leaving a tiny baby with anyone (maybe DH) but certainly not for a DAY (!) and most definitely not with a lunatic like your mil

I second not leaving the room for a "quick feed", especially in your own home. IMO anyone who doesn't want to see feeding can leave the room themselves :)

My FIL also made me a lot of cups of coffee in the early days of feeding DC1, but now DC2 is here and he's completely immune. And he, too, knew it was his issue and never breathed a word.

I also would not suggest your DH "has a talk", if only because she's so bonkers I doubt it will do anything but create bad feeling. You just have to have skin like rhino hide and perfect the bland "oh, that's interesting, thanks MIL, I'll think about it". If she never gets anywhere with nagging and bullying she will - eventually - stop.

Definitely check out the local BF cafes and groups beforehand, and see if there's a local branch of La Leche League, for moral support. Good luck and (hopefully) enjoy - breastfeeding my babies has been a wonderful relationship.

You poor thing op, yet another brand new mum having her horizon darkened by a selfish over bearing mother in law 🙄.preparing for a new born but also preparing to fight. Lovely.

I'm going to go mad if any Mil treats my dd like this.

I think it's unfair to put pressure on op to feed in a room with them there. Second time round I would have done but when it's all new and your on the back foot getting used to it.. It's not pleasant if you don't have friendlies on the room.
I'll never forgot fil trying to cop a look when they had barged in.
I did not feel comfortable feeding around them at all.

Yanbu. You're about to find out that extended family start acting like complete and utter weirdos when there's a new baby around.

I like my MIL but when they visited she'd hold DD for hours on end and didn't want to give her back to me to feed. Not because she didn't approve but because... Actually, hell knows why.

Be prepared for everyone you know to start acting crazy, basically.