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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL, breastfeeding and control.

205 replies

flamingox · 14/07/2018 07:27

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

OP posts:
Happyandshiney · 14/07/2018 19:45

I’m never sure why people are quite so desperate to feed the baby. There’s so many other things they could be doing! Changing, dressing, burping, playing, cuddling etc.

Why do people go so mental about not being able to give a baby a bottle!

My children were never bottle fed by their grandparents, they hardly ever even had their nappies changed by their grandparents, but they are very close to both sets.

This idea that extended family relationships are only formed by feeding is ridiculous.

bellinisurge · 14/07/2018 19:50

I had to ff for my poor health reasons. Only my dh and I did the feeding. My mil, occasionally.
I never fed my nephews and niece but have what I hope is a strong bond by helping their parents, by being a positive addition to the room not someone who sucks the life out.
When they are older, you get to sing , paint, play, whatever. That's where the good memories are made.

Ithinkthatsenough · 14/07/2018 21:09

Is she intending to push this baby out for you?
If not tell her to fuck off in no uncertain terms NOW or this kind of shit will continue and escalate.
Your husband also needs to tell his DM her childrearing years are over and she therefore has no say in how ypu rear yours.
How utterly dumb and controlling is she?

HelloFreedom · 14/07/2018 21:29

This nonsense idea of newborn babies 'bonding' with anyone besides their mother drives me up the wall.

They don't even know they are a seperate human being to start with. All they know is their mother. She is the entire world to her baby. You will be the entire world to your baby. Don't let your MIL make you doubt it.

And it's brilliant that you are thinking ahead and planning your breadtfeeding relationship. It is very hard work in the beginning but if you make it past the first few months, it gets so so much easier.

Good luck!

Hatstand · 14/07/2018 21:51

You are going to have to be rude
I second this. At one point in the early weeks I had to tell my (very lovely) MIL to give me my baby right now. She bf'd DH but was adamant that baby was supposed to go 4 hours between feeds. You will hear similarly shit breastfeeding "advice" from midwives, health visitors, doctors and relatives, so make sure you can access specialist advice. And put MIL on an info diet for the next 18 years, she sounds like a bully.

Seasawride · 14/07/2018 22:01

Yes you are going to have to be rude. And put yourself and your babies needs first. Limit visitors to closest Rels, no psss the parcel of baby and short visits.

moita · 14/07/2018 22:07

She is the entire world to her baby. You will be the entire world to your baby

So, so, so true. MIL has had her time being mum to a newborn, now it's your turn.

My mum and MIL were brilliant at helping with housework, making tea etc when my bf DS was born. They were happy with a quick cuddle in between feedings. Let's be honest, young babies are pretty dull, plenty of time to bond and make special memories once they get older.

AtomicSquirrel · 14/07/2018 22:13

Do not let her bully you. She sounds like a very controlling bitch. Can't your partner have a word with her? Your immediate family unit needs to bond with the baby first. Your MIL can wait! Tell her to back off.

user1471426142 · 15/07/2018 09:23

She sounds like an idiot. Breastfeeding clearly has many benefits and I say this as someone that failed. Also I didn’t let anyone other than my husband or me feed the baby with the bottle when she was little (as recommenended by the health visitor) so that’s not automatically a route for her to get involved anyway.

AgentJohnson · 15/07/2018 09:33

Maybe this would be a good time to start practising ignoring her and her issues. She’s shot the first arrow and views your baby as an opportunity to exert control over you and her son. Make it very clear what the hierarchy is and any attempt to circumvent it will be counterproductive.

Be prepared for a power struggle but only leave it to your DH if his boundaries are strong enough.

dementedmummy · 15/07/2018 17:36

Ahhh! The old breast fed v formula feed escapade raises its head yet again. And yet again, its another woman criticising another woman for her choice and the baby isn't here yet! God give me strength - it drives me right around the twist the sense of entitlement son folk have that they think they have the right to dictate how and when another woman feeds her own child. Breast feed or formula feed its up to you. Baby will be fine either way. Do not let yourself be bullied and don't be afraid to be rude - being pleasant and firm just doesn't work with some people. My friend gave me the best advice ever "everyone and their goat will want to tell you what to do with your baby - nod, smile sweetly then do your own thing as it is not beyond the wit of man to look after a child". Best of luck OP and enjoy your new arrival x

Yb23487643 · 15/07/2018 17:37

God def get boundaries in place like people have said & don’t involve her in your plans. She sounds awful, I feel for your SIL. It is annoying that ppl like this are often also the most willing to offer “help” so u end up indebted to them.

user1484424013 · 15/07/2018 17:37

Your mother in law is a twat. Sorry only word I can think off... also you do what's best for you. BTW by the time number 3 came along I just whipped it out in.in front of hubby and girls 😂😂😂😂😂😂

BertrandRussell · 15/07/2018 17:45

She’s an idiot. Best ignored. Try not to engage or escalate, or to worry too much about it at this stage. Practice saying “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I am going to do X” then changing the subject.

Sweetpea55 · 15/07/2018 17:51

The first two weeks are for you and DH to bond with the baby, not for all and sodding sundry to get a few hours cuddling. That comes later. Tell her to fuck off

SandyY2K · 15/07/2018 17:58

I've only read the first page...and I honestly don't understand why you felt the need to announce you'd be breastfeeding.

It's a natural thing and if visitors come over and I need to feed my baby...then I simply leave the room.

By announcing it
. You're making a big deal about it and giving them the cheek to comment on your choice.

It wouldn't cross my mind to have the word spread I was BF.... My choice..my business.

They (MIL and SIL) are talking nonsense... but if my SIL felt the need to announce a very normal natural thing like this... I'd think she was being ridiculous.

Shmithecat · 15/07/2018 18:02

Don't leave the room when you want to feed!!! Your guests should. Anyhow, you might not be able to move around that much... I had 30 stitches and quick dashes round the house weren't really possible. Do what you want and STOP DISCUSSING DECISIONS THAT DON'T AFFECT ANYONE ELSE. Then you'll minimise the unsolicited crap you get now.

Shmithecat · 15/07/2018 18:06

To add, I didn't leave the room to feed but I didn't ask my guests to either. If they didn't like it they could excuse themselves. But thankfully, I never had a single issue - PILs, friends, dhs friends etc never raised an eyebrow. Or maybe they did, but I was too busy feeding my baby to notice 🤷‍♀️. And my ds was jaundiced so we fed a lot. Ds is 3yo in October and I still bf. Anywhere I like.

Studentwife · 15/07/2018 18:07

Simply, your MIL is unhinged! 🙄

unababy · 15/07/2018 18:18

As a MIL and a grandma, I feel strongly that I should keep my mouth firmly shut and respect my childrens' decisions, after all I brought them up to be independent. I try to walk in their shoes and imagine how I would feel with an interfering MIL. I don't see my GD very often, as they live some distance away, but we have a bond which wasn't formed by my giving her a bottle but with love and fun.

LightDrizzle · 15/07/2018 18:21

She’s appalling.
I’d be wary about relying on bf as a shield, she needs to know that breast or bottle, only you and DH will be feeding her in the early weeks.
I bf both mine, but I’m sure most mothers who bottle feed, have the same hormonal and instinctive fierceness about their newborns and the newborn needs their smell and voice to feel safe and secure.
Mammals just don’t pass their newborns around and wander off for hours, your SIL is in a minority.
My mum bottle fed my brother and me, she wouldn’t have dreamt of breastfeeding (third world and think of your figure!) but she told me she was surprised how possessive she felt in the early days, she confessed she wasn’t even that keen on our dad holding us but forced herself to lump that!
As time went on, it faded and grandma didn’t miss out in any way. By the time we were school age she’d merrily wave us off on the train to stay with grandma for half term.
My grandma wasn’t a bitch though, who made it all about her, so there was never a battle for control.

Tinkerbell89 · 15/07/2018 18:21

Sounds like she is trying to control the situation so she can have time with baby and not what's best for baby or you. Only you can make the decision and if you decide on something do it. It's only up to you and your partner no one else. Maybe have a chat with your husband too so he is aware of the situation. I think she's being selfish around what she wants

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/07/2018 18:23

Blimey I've never heard of that one before Shock

Breastfeeding is fab OP. Good luck.

jessebuni · 15/07/2018 18:25

Breastfeeding or not it is your baby to share with and keep from family as you and DH wish and do whatever you and your DH wish. I breastfed my two and had some slightly snotty comments from the in laws about them not being able to cuddle and feed the baby as they wished but I just started avoiding them even more until they stopped trying to tell me what to do with my baby. They got the message.

MoHunter · 15/07/2018 18:25

YANBU I would be furious! Your DP needs to have words!!

Do what’s best for you and baby, nothing else matters.

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