MIL, breastfeeding and control.

[flamingox]

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

Also, don't let her plant seeds of doubt in your mind at the beginning about the number of times baby is feeding and the amount of milk you have! A baby's stomach is so tiny when it's born - so they have little and often! If you run into problems, get help ASAP from the right source! Look up an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) in your area :)

Luckily she doesn't get to decide.

Wow! Just wow! I'm increasingly realising lots of people are completely completely batshit

Just send her a link to all the health and other benefits for the baby and say forcing her opinions on you about how to feed your baby is a form of control! And then leave it, I'm not sure you can argue with crazy!

There are lots of stats around breastfeeding positives. However no doubt she will reply that her and SIL children were fine!

There are downsides of breastfeeding - being the only parent who can do nightfeeds, not being able to do anything that involves being away from baby for more than an hour or so, more disrupted sleep etc but people put up with this because they believe it's the best thing for their child!

Good luck it sounds like you will need it. Can you get your husband to have a word about her interfering? I hope he's supportive

As an aside I breastfed my eldest for 20 months...and they have such a close relationship with grandparents they much prefer them to me and my husband! Has not stopped bonding at all

Missing the point but you may not be able to duck out for a quick feed. DD would feed for 40 mins every 2 hours for first few months. DS about 20 mins every 3 to 4 hours. You don't know how long or how often so get comfortable before you start. Drink snacks and entertainment before a feed. Also useful if you are in the middle of a feed and unable to get up to answer the door. Feeding and walking is a bit tricky at first. Although necessary in sainsburys if you ever want to finish a shop!

Please don't second guess yourself. YOU are the mother of this baby, and what you decide to do is what will be done. Your MIL has no say in how you feed your baby, how baby sleeps, or when you are ready to spend time away from your baby.

Don't be bullied into allowing her to control your parenting - it would be the start of a lifetime of her control over your child. As the parent, all those decisions are yours (and your husband's), not your MILs.

Just remember, the baby is YOURS - not your MILs - and don't ever feel pressured into letting someone else take your baby to "bond". Things like that will occur when you are ready, and not before. Your baby, your way!

I wouldn't be trying to prove anything re. 'breast is best'. You are not accountable to her for the way you choose to feed. Tell her it is nothing to do with her.

Good for her. You've made your choice so just carry on.

TBH my MIL might be the least controlling person on earth (thank goodness!) but my own mother is the opposite. I plan to bottlefeed and think she would rather I breastfed - so people who have a controlling nature will try to influence your decisions no matter what you choose to do, in my view. You just have to be assertive and continue with the route you have chosen unless you personally decide to change your mind.

I breastfed twins.

I spent pretty much 8 hours a day feeding.

Everyone was well warned that I’d be feeding, that I wouldn’t be using a cover and that I wouldn’t be leaving the room to do it.

It’s my home, I had no intention of leaving the room because someone else might have hang ups.

The only person in our entire family and friends to have an issue was my FIL who very wisely said nothing but spent lots of time making cups of tea if I was feeding.

No one needs to bond with the baby except you and your DH.

No one decides how you raise your child expect you and your DH.

Point out that demanding that you make feeding arrangements to suit her wishes is definitely a form of control.

Let DH take this one for his child's sake.
I'm sure MIL is excited. Babies last a long time and any sensible close relative offers to be available to support the parents with e.g shopping, basic cleaning and laundry, cooking. At the direction of the parents. Or just making a cuppa.
That's how you build a bond. By being a trusted adult. Cuddles and snuggles are amply provided by the actual parents.

I am pregnant with DC2 and I am not discussing any decisions with anyone! With DC1 I think I was trying to work it all out and get things sorted in my head and I shared all sorts of ideas and plans with all extended family.

Which, of course, meant they all had plenty of time to share their opinions with me! Er, no thanks!

Stop telling them things they don't need to be involved in. If you want to leave the room, just leave the room. If you want to buy a next to me crib, just buy it, etc.verh liberating!

We will just be going with the flow and doing what we want and i am so much more relaxed now.

I absolutely get your frustration! You have my sympathy

Just do what you feel at the time. Breastfeed away to your heart's content!

"surely it's more controlling to tell a mother how to feed her baby?"

She sounds like a complete nightmare and you are going to have to be bulletproof. Like others have said, I would immediately stop telling her what you are planning to do with the baby, it doesn’t sound like she’s being supportive in any way.

If you can, go along to your local Bfing Support Groups before baby arrives. You’ll meet some local Mums and Mums-to-Be and have sone support in place for when baby arrives.

What she’s saying isn’t normal. She’s putting her own wishes above you and your DH’s need to bond with the baby. There is a good book you might want to read on pg, the early weeks and bonding called The Baby Moon Experience.

One thing we did after DC2 arrived was to have a welcome party. Everyone was invited to our house the Sunday following the birth for tea and cake between 2pm and 5pm. It was lovely and stopped endless phone calls and visits. Very close relatives had already met LO but everyone came.

But definitely stop telling her your plans, and if she does say anything about your parenting you need to get sone stock answers in. The one I like is “it’s what we choose to do” and absolutely don’t get drawn. Mainly though, you’re best learning to smile and nod at all of her “helpful advice” and then do whatever you like anyway.

FWIW I bf both of mine, neither set of DGP had them for any longer than a couple of hours until I went back to work and all have very close relationships.

From now on stop telling her your plans. Dont tell her how you wish to wean baby or where baby will sleep later on too. Shes just gonna make u feel shit about it.

BFing is incredibly hard for some in the first few days before your milk comes in then also really hard in the first few weeks (it took me around 9 weeks to improve and establish properly)

Get your dh onside and on board. In fact dont bring up BFIng again. Let all family know you're not having visitors for first 2 weeks so YOU can bond. You wanna be able to strip off and do as much skin on skin as and when you can.

If people turn up get dh to them firmly you're upstairs feeding/asleep. This is what i did. I dont think i left our bedroom at all. I was also recovering from a forceps and episiotomy birth.

Do not be bullied into handing over your newborn especially when your hormones will be sending you loopy for a few days and you'll still be recovering from the birth. Your baby. Your rules.

And just enjoy your new cosy lil baby

Like anyone is going to,say YABU!!

"Frankly I would want visitors to text before dropping in , breast feeding or not."

Well quite!

"breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone"

Or rather puts interferring Il's noses out of joint.

Sweet baby Jesus, yanbu! She sounds dreadful. As sarahjconnor
says^^, in a way it’s good as she has been so obviously unreasonable that you now know never to listen to her again. If ever she offers your advice about another topic which is contrary to your instincts and plans and you’re thinking, “hmmm mil might have a point there”, remember what she’s said re bfing and then smile, nod and do exactly whatever you were planning to do anyway.

Following up in Jilted’s comments.

No one babysat our children until
they were over 6 months old and no one had them overnight until they were 3 yo.

All the Grandparents have an excellent relationship with our children.

I have to add also...your MIL is a nightmare. Ive never heard something so ludicrous in reference to BFing before. What a total C*nt of a human being.

IME she will move on to undermining bfing with 'concerns' about baby not sleeping enough / too much, not getting enough / too much milk, getting too clingy (!?!) etc. So keep an eye out for that, and make sure you've got good, expert support (ideally an IBCLC).

I heard pretty much exactly the same.

Unfortunately breastfeeding didn’t work out, but I have heard from my mil how my daughter doesn’t like me, I am wrong for not christening her, I was holding her wrong, She doesn’t like how I dress her, baby only sits will mil and screams with anyone else, why doesn’t she wear dresses etc. The woman is on another planet. Obviously she is an extreme example but the only way I can deal with someone so ridiculous is to tell her keep it to herself and avoid her as much as possible.

Your mil claiming breastfeeding is about control sounds upset that she won’t be able to drop in uninvited and make herself “useful”. You are absolutely right to do so you don’t need to deal with that when you have just had a baby.

She is being ridiculous!

Someone mentioned going to a bf support group (we call them cafes here) before baby is born, this is great advice.

I thought and felt exactly the same way as you do about visitors and breastfeeding when I was pregnant (it really put me off the idea of breastfeeding, thinking about feeding in front of my FIL for example) but when baby arrived I really didn't care. Babies feed A LOT and I wanted to see people/go out. Some people might look away or be a bit awkward at first (FIL also made a lot of tea ) but everyone gets used to it and I now feed anywhere.

Good luck x

She sounds a nightmare! Of course YANBU at all. Get your DH to have a firm word with her.
Congratulations and enjoy and don’t let her get you down

They sound awful. I would guess they will try to make you doubt yourself in the early days, so maybe get a couple of breastfeeding helplines to hand and there are some good FB groups you can have a read of so you know what’s ‘normal’ breastfeeding younger babies and beyond is a good start.

while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed newborn babies don’t necessarily do a quick feed. They may want to feed pretty much constantly some days (growth spurt,etc) or may be on and off the breast some days. So you could go out for a 5 min feed, come back in the room and baby wants feeding again straight away, etc. Just incase your in laws start all the ‘he/she’s not getting enough, etc’. Often erratic feeding patterns are completely normal in the early days.