MIL, breastfeeding and control.

[flamingox]

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

She's an absolute twat.

Breast feeding = controlling? I've heard it all now.

A two week old baby needing to bond with relatives?!

WTAF?

She's projecting her control issues onto you.

I hope your DH makes it very clear that her opinions and complaints about how he and you will be raising your child and her controlling behaviour stop now. Or she won't be seeing your family.

Firm, firm boundaries need to be set in place and consequences need to exist. Make them clear. Use them.

Good luck to you both.

You are going to have to be rude. Or your husband. The only way she'll stop trying to control you with digs and comments is if she fears she will no longer be able to see the baby. It's hard to ignore digsxand comments, they get under your skin and can make you feel very inadequate and depressed, even when you know the person making the comments is unreasonable.

You need to say something deliberately 'rude' to send her the message. Not angry. Just 'yes, I'm not ever doing that' - 'I don't really care what you think' - 'leave me and my baby alone' etc

Just so she knows where she stands. and hold the line - you can't appease people like that.

OP, I am also pregnant and planning on breastfeeding and have difficult in laws.

My plans are very similar to yours, but I was planning on going with the flow a bit. However, I think your problem is 'pre-warning' them.

I think you need to just come home from the hospital and do your thing, and make it clear, with your actions, that you expect them to just fit around that.

When you use the approach you used with controlling people they tend to think you are asking their permission, and that seems to be what has happened in this situation.

I wouldn't mention it again to anyone, and just focus on getting prepared for your baby and planning on going with the flow in the immediate postpartum period. Get your DH on side in this, easier said than done I know, particularly in dysfunctional families which is why I am also going to suggest putting any further threads about her in the relationships category.

Does she talk like that in front of your DH, or any other witnesses?

Tell her to FOTHFSOF.

I am fuming on your behalf.

Not in front of DH but in front of other members of their family yes.

I could honestly write a book about how their family have behaved with me!!

You should walk away, leave the room, leave the house, talk back. They are taking advantage of your accommodating nature.

Ugh these grandparents who can only bond by having alone time with babies need to get a life.

It's reading threads like this that makes me wonder if I'm living in a parallel universe!

I don't know anyone in. my circle of friends or family who would even think to say or suggest what your MIL has said. Since when did extended family need 1-1 time with a newborn to bond??

The extended family do have their place and I, personally, think they play a very important role. We have nurtured and fostered those relationships with our own children but it wasn't, and more importantly didn't need to be, done at the expense of time with the immediate family.

It's completely crackers from my perspective.

Agree with the posters that say she will pick other fights later on.

The big one I'd warn you about (which I'm embroiled in at the moment!) is spending equal times with both grandmothers.

(Hilarious in our case - DMIL has lived abroad since we were expecting DD, only came back because of illness, stays for a week maybe twice a year and is thinking of going abroad again. When she did live in England DH only saw her every six months or so. But she wants to be treated equally to my DM, who has looked after DD for 2 days a week for the last year! People are bonkers. Be prepared for it)

Stop discussing so many things (in detail) with her. People can't disagree with you if they don't know what your plans are.
Just give a non- committal, " Hmm, yes" and change the subject.

So she is confident of how other family members will support her - but not your DH.
Get a recording of her and play it to him.

Haven't RTFT...it was only at 11 posts when I put DD down for a nap and started my housework frenzy!!

Firstly
there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding.

You do NOT ever need to cover up or leave the room to breast feed, at home or anywhere else. When I went out for lunch for the first time (DD was a few days old) and I was trying my hardest to discreetly get my boob out and DD latched on DH said to me "just whip 'em out and get it over and done with!!" and that is what I have done ever since (it generally works out to be more discreet as it is so much quicker). The only time I have used a cover has been purely for mine and DDs benefit (mostly my benefit really) when for a few weeks around 4 months she got very distractible and would clamp down on my nipple and then swing her head round at high speed to see whatever had taken her interest [Confused]

As for MIL telling you when she expects to visit/take your baby after the birth, DH and I just went with a totally non committal approach to this, just say you will see how you feel at the time … Rinse and repeat!!. As it was I had an easy birth and good postpartum recovery and so we drove over to ILs (1 1/4 hrs each way) for a surprise visit when DD was 2 days old, and my DM and DB travelled from 4 hours away (stayed in B&B) when DD was 3weeks. Some Mums and babies won't even see a hospital, others will be in for days (even weeks), there is no way of knowing which it will be, so no point planning.

Read the WHO guidelines on breastfeeding, memorise some key points and repeat verbatim as required...MIL & SIL will soon get the message/ get bored.

I like "WHO recommend exclusive breastfeeding to 6 months with no supplementary water" (DD is 5 1/2 months so have been using this one A LOT recently).

When asked how long I will carry on "WHO recommend continued breastfeeding alongside solid food till 2 years or until mother or baby choose to stop".

Maybe find a quote from WHO/NHS regarding dummies if required, and co-sleeping etc.

Then you just need to become more assertive, read up on the broken record technique.

Good luck, don't let anyone put you off breastfeeding. Breast is best, but formula is a miracle invention that has saved many babies lives when breastfeeding isn't an option!

I agree with pps in that she sounds batshit and will likely take anything you do differently to how she did it as a criticism. I have a couple of relatives like this and they are a drain to be around!!

My Nan told me off the other day for allowing my 18 month old to eat a sandwich herself instead of "feeding her", she thought it was awful of me! Then commented that she should be using cutlery then if I don't feed her... pretty sure most adults don't use cutlery for a sandwich

My own DM won't stop pressuring me to FF... I'm due dc2 very soon so this isn't my first rodeo but my DSIS has just had a baby and decided to FF from day one like my Mum did and she will not stop going on about it..."she's so much more relaxed than you were and really enjoying motherhood, blah blah blah." Forgetting the fact my first baby was unwell and needed life saving surgery at a couple of weeks old!! pretty sure that was why I was stressed!!

I don't judge anyone how they feed, their baby, their choice IMO. Please do NOT be bullied by this batshit bitch!

Good luck and enjoy all your wonderful newborn snuggles x

It’s your mil that sounds like the control freak tbh. It’s your choice, your baby. Good luck.

BTW once you have the baby and she makes comments... you know she will... just come here and ask someone before you get upset overthinking her "advice" just ask, there are a million very knowledgeable people here that will give you advice from their own experience and many that work in many areas of healthcare that can also give you advice from a healthcare stand point... like the WHO guidelines etc and they can help bring you down from a rage or boost you up when she makes you feel down about your decisions with the baby... so.... Dont panic... dont freak out.... if she says something you are not sure on just ask here

OP having read the full thread I just wanted to say I understand why you don't want to breastfeed infront of them and plan on leaving the room.

To posters saying don't bother, you do probably have a point, but I do empathise with OP as I can see how this could be a flare point for staring, criticism and general nasty behaviour. If you don't have bonkers family/in laws you may not appreciate how much they will latch onto anything going on around them in order to be critical. It might be best to do something so emotive so soon on as separately as possible to them. Thus may mean shorter visits.

Stand your ground OP. I really struggled to establish BF with both babies - they just wouldn’t latch and nipple shape had a lot to do with it. Having unannounced visitors made things even worse as they want to see the baby, is want to try and feed baby. As for MIL saying bottle feed- it’s your choice how you feed your baby she’s overstepping the mark by asking you not to BF.

My mother in law was horrified I was breastfeeding. Her daughter, my sister in law told me breasts are for your husband!
I breastfed and they didn't visit us until I stopped! Suited me fine!

I agree with all the people who say that you should be able to feed in the living room without a cover (I've never used one out and about either and I have never ever had a negative comment).

With DS1 I had a what we called a "feeding throne", with my Kindle, phone, TV remote, snacks, drinks and a foot stool within reach. When i was cluster feeding in the evening I would eat me tea there as well.

No way would I have wanted to go into another room.

Good luck

I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

Babies can only bond with one person when they are newborns, and that is their mother. It's really important for their future development that they form a secure attachment to their mother, no-one else. Next person they should be bonding with, once they are developmentally ready, is their fathers if they are around.

It's a baby, not a circus monkey that has to keep everyone entertained. Your MIL sounds really selfish and silly. Don't tell her any of your plans anymore.

The advice I have received from my midwife is that even if you are formula feeding the only person to feed the baby at first should be the mother, and even the father should only be doing occasional feeds if necessary.

Rather than trying to convince her breast is best, point out current medical advice is that you aren't supposed to let other people feed the baby, formula or not. And then drop it and never discuss it ever again.

I’d tell her you don’t plan to have any visitors for the first two weeks anyway. Seriously, nip this one in the bud now. It’s bliss just to be left to it and bond and enjoy your time together without that sort of meddling.