MIL, breastfeeding and control.

[flamingox]

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

I think it's unfair to put pressure on op to feed in a room with them there.

I think people are just pointing out the practicalities of the situation. Feeling forced out of your own living room every time a newborn wants a feed is very isolating and confining. If she personally feels that she doesn't want to feed with PILs present, then honestly IMO they should come for very short periods, or not at all in the first few weeks.

This baby isn't born yet and you are setting yourself up for trouble with this interfering idiot. You will have lots of ideas about how you want to do things, some will work, others won't. The trick is not to tell relatives anything. Just quietly do things your own way and they can fit in and see the baby, or not. The choice is theirs. People who did not breastfeed often do this.

Not quite the same, but I started expressing when the MIL came round in the living room... didn't say a word and just did it... i figured if she had a problem she could leave.. now I whip them out quite confidently.. first time was daunting though.. being said, my MIL has been a bit of a godsend, not pushy but happy to hold/feed when asked and it's quite nice to have the company...

This year I've seen so many threads on here where DMs/DMILs are trying to be controlling about feeding because essentially, they want to be able to 'take' the baby as much as they like from as early as possible. It's completely unreasonable and batshit tbh and I don't think I realised just how mant relatives seem to have an obsession with it!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense! Stand firm and ignore. I had to learn the 'smile and nod' technique of pretending to listen to unsolicited advice early on. Crack on with your plans, your midwife and HV will be supportive x

Buy her a baby doll and tell her that real babies aren't there for their entertainment

It’s not control on your part. You produce milk for the baby. Watch out for other comments like “your milk is no good” and “your boobs are too small”
People turn batshit crazy around newborns. I caught ex sil feeding my 3 week ice cream and when I objected all I got was “just a little bit, he likes it look”. You may have to stop being polite, and be very firm.

tell her to sod off, your baby and body your rules. also inlaws can still hold baby as babies don't spend whole day breastfeeding. if she has such a problem with you breastfeeding tell her she can go elsewhere and wont see child at all. (my kids both breastfed also for first two months neither saw family much as we were in an other country and kids have a great relationship with grandparents she is full of crap.)

Can I make a suggestion.

Without dd5/6 they were twins. We asked for no visitors for 2 weeks after they were born so we could establish them into the family.

Now I know a first baby is different but the visitors are bloody annoying and they stay oh how they stayed!

Can you establish yourself at home in your bedroom? Have you a tv up there? And just nest you baby and dh. Dh to field all visitors. Another one is could you have an infection that means you can’t mix with other people for a while, doctors orders? We did thst with dc2 and worked like a dream.

Your mil is bay shit but guy know that.

All I am saying is don’t let them ruin your first few weeks with baby. Prepare to be rude and elusive.

You've got it all the her asvice you need from PPs, just to add my son is 9 weeks now, feel free when people do visit to ask THEM to give YOU privacy rather than move yourself and a hungry baby to another room, you also may not be in physical shape to move easily.
A very good friend sent me this link, www.google.co.uk/amp/s/motherofalllists.com/2018/05/14/recovering-after-having-a-baby/amp/

Enlist the help of your husband to be the gatekeeper if needed. Besides, babies are more fun for visitors when they're a few weeks old, not brand new!

Also you say you've got support from your mum which is great, I hugely recommend the book Food of Love about breastfeeding, especially if you think your MIL will continue trying to interfere and undermine your feeding, it may help to have 'in black and white' proper supportive advice. You'll be great, the good news is you already know MIL is like this, she's not starting this BS after the baby is born when you may not have energy to advocate for yourself!

Queenaravis it would in normal circumstances probably feel isolating having to leave the room for each feed, but with a MIL like this it will probably be a welcome break. She can take her phone to go on mumsnet etc and go and lie down and feed baby upstairs rather than sitting listening to MILs rude comments!

I feel for you, OP, and think you and your DH will need to present a united front against her nasty, interfering ways. I have to comment about this, as other posters have:
"there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed "

Feeding a newborn can be overwhelming and there are some days when they want to do nothing but feed. This is really good for them and for your supply and should be encouraged, but it looks NOTHING like bottle feeding. If people try to compare the two they will conclude the baby is starving, your milk is not good enough, something is wrong, etc etc. Cluster feeding, and feeding little and often, is really normal and healthy for newborns, and makes it almost impossible to have visitors and "just leave the room for a quick feed."

With my eldest I had stitches and a lot of bruising from a difficult delivery, and it was agony for me to get up from the sofa, let alone walk upstairs to go to the bedroom to feed. When visitors came they had to cope with me sitting feeding on and off for hours at a time, and if they didn't like it they would have to get used to it, or leave. I didn't want to sit feeding in front of others, either, but I had no choice about it and luckily visitors were understanding and gave me privacy when I needed it, and support when I needed that.

It can be tough being a new parent - you desperately need help and support, not criticism and someone putting their needs before yours and the baby's. Good luck and be strong , as I suspect this will not be the last time you get such 'helpful' advice from your MIL.

There's no way I'd leave the room to breastfeed for anyone.

Wait for all the undermining comments - "Is he getting enough?", "He looks underweight to me", "Surely he doesn't need to spend so long feeding, there must be problems with your supply", "Don't you want to get your figure back, think of DH". Make up your mind now to ignore them all.

Crazy!
Ignore ignore ignore....
Once established, you can combo feed IF YOU CHOOSE to! I used to express and once DD was 6 weeks she'd have a bottle with DH or DM every two days so I could have a bit of a break, and by the time she was about 8 months it was very easy for me to be away from her for a whole day, no trouble (probably could have done this earlier, but didn't try as no need to).
DMIL is still judgemental that DD continues to bf on demand (22 months). She doesn't ask for it often except at bedtime or sometimes if she's feeling overwhelmed she does it to get some alone time. DMIL complains it spoils her apertite and stops her bonding with others. Absolute rubbish as she has a great relationship with DH and DM

Seconding bibesea
During the early weeks, they are very slow to feed. Don't let her make you think this is a problem! My dad was astonished at how long DD used to feed for.

Bibesia is right - she will attempt to undermine you with comments designed to make you doubt your ability to feed your baby adequately. She sounds horrible and very manipulative. Don't let her get to you.

She's talking BS just ignore her. New babies should be with their mothers regardless of how their fed anyway! I had a friend who's mil was like this, the plus side is it made her even more determined to breastfeed and every time things got hard and she felt like giving up (everyone who breastfeeds will have days like that) she used her mil as motivation to keep going lol! Don't let her stress you out, just focus on yourself and your new baby.

Ah yes. "I did it this way and so did she, so should you". Have to love that one.

We are all aware of the benefits linked with breastfeeding. Great for baby and you! Feed your baby how and where and when it suits you. Your child won't miss out on any bonding with other family, but the most important bonding is with you and your DH.

Extended family are NOT entitled to anything when it comes to your baby.

Yes see I think wherever you establish yourself be that living room or your bedroom and I always preferred the bedroom don’t you move. If you want visitors to leave dh needs to tell them you will need rest privacy and quiet. You are entitled to that. Dh must enforce that.

And all this even handed visiting bollocks!! Of course you want your mum more than your mil.

As s mil I understand that xx

Oh my goodness, she’s a nightmare! Your plans are all excellent and put your baby first, not your MIL! Ignore, ignore, ignore.

This is not about breastfeeding. It's about her intention to control.
Don't tell her about your plans for feeding or anything else.
Tell her (and get DH to tell her) that you will be glad for her to visit when the baby has arrived, and you will invite her when it is convenient for you to have her there.

It sounds to me like you are doing it all right, and they did it all wrong. I have 14 Grandchildren and two great grandchildren. I completely bonded with all my Grandchildren whilst never looking after any of them for more than an hour or two, when asked, because their parents needed the childcare. My youngest Granddaughter is 10 months old. Her mother breastfeeds, co-sleeps...and home schools her 4 little boys. I completely support her choices. My eldest Granddaughter didn't like the idea of breast feeding, so she bottle feeds. I completely support her choices too. The point is, I've had my babies. I made my choices, and they were respected by my family. Now it's time to afford the same respect to my children and grandchildren.
Tell your sister in law, that even if you were bottle feeding you wouldn't allow anyone to take the baby for the day at two weeks old.

Do what you feel is right!
Though be prepared that some feeds can take like an hour, especially in the early days, they can also happen very frequently and cluster feeding at night, so maybe prepare your visitors that you may have to nip out for a while or often and best to avoid evenings if baby is cluster feeding! Or they have to get used to seeing you feed your baby (if your comfortable with that too obviously)