My 3 year old is saying that his Grandad hit him in the face?

[GrandpaTroubles]

Hello.

I need to preface this first by giving a little bit of history. My dad has always had a terrible temper. I was fearful of him growing up as he would often get very OTT angry at me and my mum. A simple disagreement would lead to him exploding in swear words. He has also been known to lash out when something accidentally happens to him, or he feels embarrassed. There have been a few incidents where he hit me, but this was when I was a teenager.

A recent example: he was trying to fix a door in his house, I didn't realise and I started opening the door which hurt him. He swore at me nastily and slammed the door back in my face. I was shocked and this caused me to cry.

I have never seen him behave this way towards his grandchildren, ever. We are staying over there this evening. I sent my son down to say goodnight to him so I did not witness what happened next.

I heard my dad make a strange 'OW' sound and then my son cried uncontrollably. I did not hear my dad telling my son off, but he could have told him off more with an angry face IFYSWIM? My son told me immediately afterwards (through tears and crying), that grandad had told him off and I went downstairs to sort it out. Apparently my son had accidentally hit my dad in the face with a plastic garden toy and he had told him off. My son didn't mention anything about hitting at this point.

When me and my son got upstairs I then asked him what happened, and he maintained that he did hit grandad accidentally with the plastic toy but he said that grandad hit him in the face! He has said this to me a couple of times since. My dad has been unusually nice since, almost as though he feels guilty.

I have not confronted him. I don't really know what to do as I know that sometimes 3 year olds can tell tales, but my son is not known for making things up and I know my dad's tendencies. My mum is coming home in a bit and she is going to confront him instead of me.

Does anyone know a situation where a 3 year old has made such claims up totally out of the blue? My gut feeling is telling me that my son is telling the truth, in which case I have no idea what to do. We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks and no doubt if this comes out it will be horrendous. I will not be able to stand by and let him look after my son alone again

She also thinks that I've insulted her because I won't leave my son with my dad, which makes her feel like a terrible parent who has exposed me to secondary abuse

Yes, I expected this too Your mother will continue making excuses and emotionally manipulating you because to do otherwise would force her to confront the part she's played in this terrible situation

I'm afraid that, in the end, it will come down to whether you're prepared to prioritise your DS's (and your) safety, or if you'll allow another generation to be raised like this. Nobody else can decide this for you, but I very much hope that - unlike your mother - you'll put your child first

I understand that it is a difficult situation. You love your parents and your mum is pressuring you and guilt tripping you into leaving your son with someone who is angry and violent.

There is only one question you need to ask yourself.

Would you rather upset your parents, or risk your son?

It is that simple. Once that question is answered, you won't feel torn anymore.

She also thinks that I've insulted her because I won't leave my son with my dad, which makes her feel like a terrible parent who has exposed me to secondary abuse

Well, if the cap fits ... She is more bothered about feeling insulted than she is about your son's safety and well-being.

He grabbed the plastic garden toy in a fit of anger and it 'may or may not have hit him in the face' is what my dad is saying and what I think it more probable than a straight smack to the face.

By his own admission then, he is not fit to look after a small child - nobody who cannot control their fits of anger or remember whether or not they committed a violent act against a child is.

My mum grew up in another time and another part of the country when it was the 'norm' as she puts it.

Maybe it was - but the important thing is that it is NOT the norm now. What if he loses his temper again and hits your son and seriously hurts him, and what if it transpires you knew he was likely to do this and still let him look after your son? I don't think SS would consider you had protected your child.

If you do let him look after your son again, it just opens the door to him doing it all the time as before "See, I looked after him yesterday and I didn't hit him". Once is too many times. This is who he is.

OP. It sounds really hard for you, but the fact is that he hit your son. He knows he did (despite his current claims of temporary amnesia) and you know he did.

At present, he is abusive and our mother enables him. That’s her call.

But the important think is that you need to not enable him too. Don’t minimise what he’s done. Don’t accept his behaviour as somehow Ok- because it’s not. He is a danger to your son.

I don't think you're in a difficult situation at all. All seems pretty simple to me- you live with a man you know has a problem with his temper and is abusive, he has now harmed your son after years of frightening you- so you do the right thing and protect your child regardless of how that upsets your parents. Your duty is to your child not your mam or dad. Your dad is an adult and has the choice in how he behaves. Your son has no control over what happens to him. That control is in your hands. Regardless of how frightened of your dad you are or how much you don't want to upset your mother you need to take your son out of this situation.

My dad can be a bit loud and shouty. I can 100% say he would never ever hit any of hid dgc no matter what. Unless you can be sure of that your son should not be alone with your father ever.

would rather put hot coals in his eyes before he went to counselling

And before he made sure he wouldn’t hurt his grandson, or daughter, or wife.

Your dad hit your son. All this ‘I can’t remember’ and ‘I might have caught him accidentally’ is minimising bullshit and I suspect deep down you know it. Did he also downplay it and make it sound not so bad when he hit you by any chance?
Your mum is also minimising because if she acknowledges what her husband has done is wrong she also has to acknowledge that what he did to you was wrong and she didn’t protect you.
If your ds discloses that his gd hit him and he told you and you didn’t take steps to protect him it could be considered that you aren’t able to keep your child safe.

He grabbed the plastic garden toy in a fit of anger and it 'may or may not have hit him in the face' is what my dad is saying and what I think it more probable than a straight smack to the face

And sadly you're minimising / rationalising it away already

As a PP so wisely said, it's either upset your parents or endanger your son, which remains your choice at least until he gets older and perhaps says something at school after being abused. Things could then be taken out of your control, but at least he'd be protected

I do think its true that a lot of men have an aggressive streak. Many men in my life do anyway, BUT they tend to take it out on other men and are able to control themselves around women and children.

My child did once tell a total lie about something similar. She had a black eye from her brother (not on purpose) and she went into school and said for some reason that it was from me! Which obviously caused hell on until the truth came out. But in this case, I would lean more towards it did happen tbh, given what you have said about your father.

OP I grew up with my dad hitting me and one of my siblings. It wasn't everday but it wasn't discipline it was abuse. My mother encouraged it.

He would lose his temper much like your father and then my sibling and I would bare the brunt of it either with shouting abuse or physical.

No other male member of my family nor female member ever laid a finger on us.

It is not normal. Your mother's reaction is not normal.

I have my own DD now and I swore from the moment she was born she wouldn't be alone with my father and mother unless someone else was present as I dont trust him and his temper hasn't improved and my mother certainly wouldn't intervene as she sees nothing wrong with it.

Im low contact with my parents now but prior to that my DF was looking after my DN and lost his temper at him being noisy and smacked him. He was 3. I was upstairs with my sibling at the time and created holy hell when I discovered what happened.

My sibling less so because she relies on them alot for childcare.

Do not be reliant or beholden to them. Do protect your son. Your DF isn't normal his behaviour shouldn't be dismissed or normalised. Neither he nor your dm should be alone with your son

He did it, he also knows full well he did it.
It’s complete bullshit about a ‘knee jerk reaction’. You know this too. Why are you ignoring this??

If he will hit a 3 yo in the face after an accident with a toy he’s a danger to him as he can’t control his temper - ignore any promises about ‘best behaviour’ it’s already been proved not to be true.

It’s also bull shit about most men having an aggressive streak - your mum is trying to normalise his violence. Please believe us thus is not normal behaviour. Move out.

Your dad is lying, he hit him and he knows it, he wouldn't be any better after therapy anyway, these people rarely change. It shows exactly what he is like given that he would likely refuse therapy.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he is abusive to your mother too.

I wouldn't have my son near him again.

At what stage.. does your Mother consider hitting/hurting a Child... as Abuse ?

Would she allow a fully grown adult male stranger... with an aggressive angry temper .. to slap your Child across the face and write it off as.... all men have an angry streak....

personally I'd be reporting you ALL .....for failing to protect this Child

Either accept your son is lying (which I'd say is probably the case) or you need to call the police and report your father for assaulting you son.

These are you two choices. There is nothing acceptable in between. If you believe your son over your father, you have a duty to your son to get the authorities involved.

OP, also, it may have been accidental rather than a deliberate wallop,but when we accidentally hurt our children, we say sorry immediately and are penitent. We explain it was an accident and that we didn't mean to hurt them, because we would never deliberately hurt them. We don't try to pretend it didn't happen, or say that we can't remember if it happened or not.

This pisses me off tbh. You choose to believe your dad hit him by accident - you know full well he hit him in a fit of rage because that's exactly the type of person he is. You can continue to put your child in harm's way because it's easier, or because it makes your mum feel better about not protecting you if you don't protect your kid either, or because you didn't see the hit (this time) with your own eyes so you can tell yourself it was an accident - but all this is just enabling abuse of your son - for shitty excuses. Don't be a shit parent to your son because it's easier than feeling shitty for going against your abusive parents' wishes. There really is no excuse after this. You have to put him first. You have to protect him. Move out, don't use either of them for childcare, keep your son away from your dad - even if that means he (and you) don't see much of your mum either.

Also, that he was abusive fortnightly or monthly in the past? That is still ALOT, and it all adds up, i'm sorry you had to experience all that abuse and stress, it really causes confusion even in adulthood over right and wrong ( i know because i had an abusive relative when i was little) please dont let your little boy have to suffer anything like that, please.

He didn't purposefully hit my son in the face, not that it matters. He grabbed the plastic garden toy in a fit of anger and it 'may or may not have hit him in the face' is what my dad is saying and what I think it more probable than a straight smack to the face. Not that it is appropriate or right in anyway, it is abuse.

So he didn't just lash out in anger or self defence, he picked up a weapon to do it?

OP, it was not accidental, it was premeditated.

I hope you are safe at a friend's house and are making a plan for your future. Yes it is hard, but there is no way you can continue to stay there under the circumstances. One has wonder what has happened when you haven't been there op?

Whatever the cost of leaving emotionally or financially it will be worth it not to raise a man to be just like your father. Your child will be investigated by ss if he accidentally tells anyone op. Don't risk it, be the circuit breaker and stop the abuse now. He does not need his gp, he needs a loving and caring mother and a life what does not involve him being hit, hurt and frightened.

Your mother will always downplay everything because she has allowed your father to continue like for decades. You can't trust her anymore I am afraid.

Get as much support as you can from family and friends, womens aid and other agencies.

No one takes a garden toy and hits a three year old with it. It is appalling abuse of a very young child.

I wish you the best, keep us updated.

Your mother is completely wrong with her insistence that most men behave like this. Most men would be absolutely ashamed of themselves if they hit a child or a woman, yet your father deliberately hit you only recently and has now hit a defenceless small child. If she feels you are insulting her by implying that she will not keep your child safe, she has no-one but herself to blame.

If you have a young child, I'm guessing that you're considerably younger than me, and that your mother is around my age (58)

My mum grew up in another time and another part of the country when it was the 'norm' as she puts it.

I grew up in the North of England, and I suppose you could say I grew up in another time too.

My father never abused me, physically or emotionally. My brother, who is only slightly younger than me, never abused his children and, now he has his own grandchild, never abuses him.

There's no excuse for behaviour like this. However old you are or wherever you were born.

STOP ALLOWING THE ENABLING.

OP, it's clear that this is difficult for you.

Please praise your son for being honest and open with you. Honor his trust in you by protecting him.

Well done for recognising how wrong this is and taking action. It's important that you continue to follow through and safe guard your son.

Normalising your dad's behavior will have a devestating effect on your son. You're doing the right thing.

Also, for what it's worth, no men in family would ever ever smack any child in the face, let alone their own three year old grandson. That includes the violent criminals in my family!

If you give in then you are enabling it. In which case SS need to be removing your son from your care!

I'm terribly sorry to be abrupt but I'm just being honest! I cut through the crap to get to the ultimate point, sorry

I too grew up with a violent parent, screaming, shouting, throwing things when she lost her temper. She beat me and my brother and we were terrified of her, so was my Dad
I also thought it was normal for a mother to behave like this, I didn’t know any different.
It’s not normal for a parent to behave like this.
Believe your son and stand up for him.
Nobody stood up for you and this is where you’ve ended up
Please don’t let your mother minimise this and sweep it under the carpet

I'm pleased you have temporarily left. I do think you need to find somewhere else to live and obviously can't leave your son with your dad again.

It is despicable that your mum is OKing his behaviour but not surprising given her upbringing- I feel so sad for her trivialising this.

Your son needs to know that this is not on and that's why he doesn't get left with your dad anymore.