My 3 year old is saying that his Grandad hit him in the face?

[GrandpaTroubles]

Hello.

I need to preface this first by giving a little bit of history. My dad has always had a terrible temper. I was fearful of him growing up as he would often get very OTT angry at me and my mum. A simple disagreement would lead to him exploding in swear words. He has also been known to lash out when something accidentally happens to him, or he feels embarrassed. There have been a few incidents where he hit me, but this was when I was a teenager.

A recent example: he was trying to fix a door in his house, I didn't realise and I started opening the door which hurt him. He swore at me nastily and slammed the door back in my face. I was shocked and this caused me to cry.

I have never seen him behave this way towards his grandchildren, ever. We are staying over there this evening. I sent my son down to say goodnight to him so I did not witness what happened next.

I heard my dad make a strange 'OW' sound and then my son cried uncontrollably. I did not hear my dad telling my son off, but he could have told him off more with an angry face IFYSWIM? My son told me immediately afterwards (through tears and crying), that grandad had told him off and I went downstairs to sort it out. Apparently my son had accidentally hit my dad in the face with a plastic garden toy and he had told him off. My son didn't mention anything about hitting at this point.

When me and my son got upstairs I then asked him what happened, and he maintained that he did hit grandad accidentally with the plastic toy but he said that grandad hit him in the face! He has said this to me a couple of times since. My dad has been unusually nice since, almost as though he feels guilty.

I have not confronted him. I don't really know what to do as I know that sometimes 3 year olds can tell tales, but my son is not known for making things up and I know my dad's tendencies. My mum is coming home in a bit and she is going to confront him instead of me.

Does anyone know a situation where a 3 year old has made such claims up totally out of the blue? My gut feeling is telling me that my son is telling the truth, in which case I have no idea what to do. We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks and no doubt if this comes out it will be horrendous. I will not be able to stand by and let him look after my son alone again

I really feel for you OP but I worry very much that a unanimous view from this thread won't be taken seriously by you; not because you don't adore your darling little boy, but because you are so conditioned by your parents that you minimise abuse.

Please please please don't let them mislead you again, don't let your dad's apology and 'lack of memory' or his guilt soften you.

YOU are your baby's protector. Your mum didn't protect you and now you are questioning your own instincts as a mother.

Think of your boy:
"If Mummy thinks it's ok that grandad hit me, then it must be ok that this person hits me, or hurts me or touches me in a way that makes me feel sad"

You are a good parent. Prove this to your son and your parents

This very much sounds like my father and my mother who condones his behaviour in exactly the same way. The number of times I’ve heard well so-and-so’s husband is just as bad.... oh right so that makes it ok then. I was hit as a child and teenager a lot...completely excessively as I wasn’t a bad child (not that I agree with it even if I was a horror).

My father has never had contact with my child and I would never allow it. I also think less of my mother for her acceptance of the behaviour... I know she is in her own trap with him but I would never allow my husband to hit my child.

Your posts are heartbreaking, I feel so sad for you. It must be incredibly difficult when this has been your life, thinking this is 'normal' but it's not. And you have a chance to save your son from growing up thinking it is.
I think the most frightening bit of this is your dad admitting he did it but not really remembering what happened. He sounds like a terribly damaged person - and if he's an abuse victim himself then you have a very clear picture of the long lasting effects it can have. What happens the next time he snaps? A punch? Worse?

Do you want your son to be another link in the chain? You need to get your boy away, completely away. And then look for sources of help for survivors of abuse.

Very slightly different perspective here OP. I am a GM. If my daughter and grandson told me that my husband had hit my grandson in the face I would call the police on him myself. It isn't in any way normal or acceptable. Don't let them tell you it is.

My dad did this, also to my three year old, I was secretly hyperventilating with rage and no matter how much I
tried to trick my kids into inconsistencies about it. They were completely consistent. I cancelled his arrangements with them and explained why. He stormed
Off.

I’ve never let him be alone with my kids again and keep him v much at arms length. I hate him and totally believe my kids.

Your son is 3 and knows being hit by grandad is wrong.
Remove your son from danger and don't let him be in his company unsupervised by you again. (Your mum clearly cannot control your dad).
Don't let your son down.

She thinks I should still let him look after DS as 'everyone has their faults' and it's a knee-jerk reaction for my dad to act this way when someone accidentally hurts him ... her dad was the same, lots of men have an aggressive streak, no-one is perfect etc.

Yes, I expected that; instead of defending you as any normal mother would, she probably said the same to anyone who criticised his treatment of you when you were small - all of which makes her little better than him

What are you planning to do about it all?

No all Dad's don't hit their children.

You can’t let either of them have unsupervised contact with your DS again. No popping to the kitchen/loo while they’re in the lounge, etc. Your Mum can’t be trusted as she has minimised your Dad’s abuse of your son. Leave asap. You need to be seen to be protective of your son or health/education/social work professionals may, in the future, rightly ask questions about why you can’t protect him if you don’t change something.

Given the background I would be inclined to think think your son is telling the truth, but...

Years ago, my friend was in a long term relationship with someone with a 3yo daughter. The girl scraped her arm tripping in the garden and turned round to my friend and said "I'm telling Daddy you did this to me." And ran in the house to do just such a thing.

womcombat - the boy was telling the truth, read the update

You son isn't safe with either of them

The question is, what will you do about this? Especially given that they are minimising? Personally i would report him to the police. Someone who sees red and can't remember abuse is someone who will repeat and excuse. He abused you, did so recently with the door in fact.

You need to leave. And bear in mind your son may well tell his teachers or carers at nursery too if he goes. So someone else may report. You want to make sure your son is safe.

OP, my father physically (and mentally) abused me as a child and my mother stood by and let him do it. She defended him every time and told me I had obviously done something to deserve it.
A few years ago I tried to talk about it and she told me that I was a liar and that none of it ever happened.

Just like my parents, your father abused you and your mother enabled him. She's still allowing him to do it.

I'm NC with my parents now.

If you can't do it tonight, then first thing in the morning take your child and GET OUT of there and don't ever take him back again

Your parents will never change. What they did to you was terrible but I know myself that as a child there was nothing you could do to stop it. Your 3 year old can't do anything to stop it either, but YOU can stop it from ever happening to him again. Once is too often. It should never have happened. Don't ever allow it to happen again.

Fuck your parents. It doesn't matter how they feel. They don't deserve to have you in their lives and they certainly don't deserve to have their lovely grandchildren.

Get out NOW OP, and never look back.

Well how furious are you then? You already know the man's an abuser, now he's hit your son (I'm amazed you ever let your son be near him).

Like fuck would I still even be there with my child

You're scared of him yourself so stop making yourself obliged to go round there. Your 1st priority is protecting your son

My dad was the same when we were growing up. Very violent and abusive. He seems subdued these days but I don’t see him that often and he only lives a mile away. He is never left with my daughter alone on the rare occasion we see him.

I’m still a bit wary of him and the effects of what I witnessed has lasted long into adulthood. For example, if I haven’t managed to do the housework I’m afraid of what my DH’s reaction will be. He has never been abusive or controlling but the fear doesn’t go away. It’s ingrained.

You will never trust your dad. If contact needs to be maintained, do not leave him unsupervised with your child.

It sounds as if your mum is enabling your dad. Frankly I think it's pas time for him to be Granddad Who We Don't See. Sadly there are adults who have seriously injured and even KILLED children due to a "knee-jerk" response or "seeing red".

The fact that you would not confront your father alone tells you everything you need to know. If there isn't a mark then he probably didn't hit him hard and your son was so upset because he was shocked, but that is not the point.

Sadly it sounds as if your mum herself had an abusive father and this may have been what attracted her to your dad - she learned that aggressive, abusive behaviour is "normal" for a man.

It's time to break the abusive cycle.

It’s not normal.

It’s not all or most men.

Hitting children because they hurt you is abnormal

Hitting children any circumstances is abnormal.

My Dad or husband would die before they’d lift a finger to our D.C.

My own Grandfathers, Uncles etc never ever hit their children, or in fact anyone.

None of our friend would do either.

I’m afraid neither your Father or Mother can ever be trusted alone with your D.C. ever again.

It doesn’t matter how bad they feel about it or how upset they are about the consequence.

It’s not about them.

Your first duty is to protect your child.

I was NC with my MIL she was abusive to my DH,
put his fingers in the gas flame on the hob at age 7 to teach him not to touch near the hob.
Slapped me hard across the face when I was 7 months pregnant beacause I said she was a jammy cow winning at match stick dominoes.
Flushed my 5 year head down the toilet as she wouldnt be quiet.
Abuse is Abuse, 3 generations and she still thought it was Ok

Your mother, unsurprisingly, is enabling and minimising. She failed you and did not protect you when you were s child. Please believe us, you do not have normal parents. You need to get away from them.

Your dad is violent and unpredictable - not worthy of being a GP

I spoke to my mum this morning about it and she still thinks I should let him look after my son. I rely on him for childcare sometimes, like this morning I was meant to be working, but I have had to cancel. I am not going to let him ever again, obviously.

My mum is still insistent that most men have an aggressive streak and that I am being over dramatic. My dad's behaviour was not an everyday occurrence in my house growing up. He's always had this tendency - something happens accidentally or to embarrass him - and he will lash out. Either at the person in question or at the object. For example, he tripped up the garden path once because he was trying to carry a watering can and threw the watering can in rage, breaking it. This kind of behaviour used to happen a few times a year.

He's also been verbally abusive in an argument. He will often 'explode' for want of a better word, swearing and shouting and storming off. This used to happen more frequently. My mum took the brunt of this.

She also thinks that I've insulted her because I won't leave my son with my dad, which makes her feel like a terrible parent who has exposed me to secondary abuse. I don't know, it's very difficult when it's all you have known and your mother is maintaining that you are being over the dramatic and most men have this streak. It wasn't a daily occurrence, maybe fortnightly or monthly, and when I have brought up abuse she is saying I am over exaggerating.

Who gives a fuck if your mum is insulted?! He HIT your son in his face.

Hope you can move out and get childcare sorted ASAP - maybe a childminder and use your 15hrs/30hrs with them?

He didn't purposefully hit my son in the face, not that it matters. He grabbed the plastic garden toy in a fit of anger and it 'may or may not have hit him in the face' is what my dad is saying and what I think it more probable than a straight smack to the face. Not that it is appropriate or right in anyway, it is abuse.