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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 3 year old is saying that his Grandad hit him in the face?

212 replies

GrandpaTroubles · 13/07/2018 19:22

Hello.

I need to preface this first by giving a little bit of history. My dad has always had a terrible temper. I was fearful of him growing up as he would often get very OTT angry at me and my mum. A simple disagreement would lead to him exploding in swear words. He has also been known to lash out when something accidentally happens to him, or he feels embarrassed. There have been a few incidents where he hit me, but this was when I was a teenager.

A recent example: he was trying to fix a door in his house, I didn't realise and I started opening the door which hurt him. He swore at me nastily and slammed the door back in my face. I was shocked and this caused me to cry.

I have never seen him behave this way towards his grandchildren, ever. We are staying over there this evening. I sent my son down to say goodnight to him so I did not witness what happened next.

I heard my dad make a strange 'OW' sound and then my son cried uncontrollably. I did not hear my dad telling my son off, but he could have told him off more with an angry face IFYSWIM? My son told me immediately afterwards (through tears and crying), that grandad had told him off and I went downstairs to sort it out. Apparently my son had accidentally hit my dad in the face with a plastic garden toy and he had told him off. My son didn't mention anything about hitting at this point.

When me and my son got upstairs I then asked him what happened, and he maintained that he did hit grandad accidentally with the plastic toy but he said that grandad hit him in the face! He has said this to me a couple of times since. My dad has been unusually nice since, almost as though he feels guilty.

I have not confronted him. I don't really know what to do as I know that sometimes 3 year olds can tell tales, but my son is not known for making things up and I know my dad's tendencies. My mum is coming home in a bit and she is going to confront him instead of me.

Does anyone know a situation where a 3 year old has made such claims up totally out of the blue? My gut feeling is telling me that my son is telling the truth, in which case I have no idea what to do. We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks and no doubt if this comes out it will be horrendous. I will not be able to stand by and let him look after my son alone again Sad

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 13/07/2018 22:00

a grown man slaps your 3 year old child and you're still sat there making and accepting excuses for him?!
you do realise you're enabling your dickhead father to abuse your child just like he abused you?

DancingLedge · 13/07/2018 22:02

Even being brought up in a dysfunctional family, I can tell you, this is not normal.

To hit a three year old in the face is not normal.
For your father to be unsure whether he has or not, is not normal.
For your mother to be minimising and excusing such behaviour is not normal.
For you to be unsure of your own reaction, or really for your reaction to be anything other than fury, and a determination to make sure your child is NEVER alone, even for an instant,( even while you pop to the loo, even while you leave the room for 10 seconds )

, with this dangerous and untrustworthy man, is not normal.

Families do numbers on people, this is not your fault.

But protect your son.

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/07/2018 22:02

she waited for her mum cos she's too scared to confront him on her own - you know, in case it 'provokes' him into a repeat knee jerk reaction Hmm

Ceecee18 · 13/07/2018 22:03

It was far better for OP to wait for her mom to get home, her father has been aggressive towards her before, if he had been this time then she would have been on her own with him and her DS.

OP, you need to leave, now if possible or at least in the morning if your DS is asleep. This is not normal, not all men are like this. Your mom has grown up with it and is conditioned to it, you've grown up with it and now you are. If your DS grows up thinking men are allowed to be aggressive that puts his future partners and children at risk. Please show him this is not acceptable and leave, and do not leave him alone with your father again. Also, if I were you I would be considering counselling for myself.

NerrSnerr · 13/07/2018 22:03

Do you live with him? I wouldn't be going on holiday with him. You need to put your child first.

TheIcon · 13/07/2018 22:04

I'd be NC with them both. You can't give DM access as you can't trust she won't let DF near the lad.

Bcjek · 13/07/2018 22:06

I think you know the truth from your son... your dad has let you and his grandson down, please don't leave them alone together, but I believe you already know this in your heart xxx

Birdsgottafly · 13/07/2018 22:07

Is your Son in Nursery? If he repeats it, the Teacher will want to know the details to decide if a Safeguarding referral is needed.

You've been taught to minimise abuse. Your Mum colludes with your Dad.

It will take one incident and if you won't leave you will quite rightly lose residency of your Son. Meanwhile he might be injured, or completely messed up.

It's a simple decision, but if you agree with the abuse you would be better giving him up.

funnelfanjo · 13/07/2018 22:11

Most dads and grandads do not behave in a similar way. This is not normal.

UpstartCrow · 13/07/2018 22:12

I am going to wait until my mum is home and ask my son to recount what happened to her, then we will move forward with it together.

No, don't ever do that.

Your father is abusive and your mother covers up for him. Don't enable either of them and keep your kids away.

Birdsgottafly · 13/07/2018 22:16

To add to Upstart's post and my own.

All they will do is convince you that you are over reacting and all is well.

Just as victims of DV are brainwashed.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/07/2018 22:16

Your dad assaulted his grandson, and he’s minimising it.expecting you all to overlook.
You need to advocate for your son, protect him. If need be no unsupervised contact.

You already know what he capable of,how yiur mum is complicit

lifeisabeachsometimes · 13/07/2018 22:17

I understand completely the very special agony of being abused and then the most precious child in your life going through the same.
You will feel shock
You will feel it is impossible he can hurt such a small and defenceless child
You will be appalled.

Don’t forget he has already hurt a small defenceless child, that was you. This is not new to him.

Leave now and vow to never ever leave your child with him or your mother again. Neither can be trusted.

Protect your child at all costs

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/07/2018 22:18

You need to stop the cycle of abuse NOW...

Knee jerk violent reactions are never ok...

To hit. 3 year old? In the face?

He should never EVER be alone with him

trojanpony · 13/07/2018 22:19

“Lots of men” don’t hit 3 year olds in the face....

You recognise your mother has totally skewed opinions but honestly the minimising of violence by him and her is jaw dropping.

Please pack your things tonight and get the fuck out of there when day breaks (if not sooner)

lifeisabeachsometimes · 13/07/2018 22:22

There is no way you can consider going on holiday - cancel. You can’t guarantee your child’s safety.

Your mother had enabled him for 20 years plus, whatever she tells you she has overlooked too much already.

PeppyPiggy · 13/07/2018 22:23

OP " feel like I do not know what normal or not normal behaviour is "

Normal behavior is what you choose to allow in your life. Don't let life just happen to you (make it the other way around, you happen to life). You can chose and decide what is or isn't normal, what you will or will not tolerate in your own domain, you decide these things, your domain belongs to you. You can start to build up an idea of what normal behavior is, by listening to your intuition. Don't allow people to tell you what is or isn't normal, EVER. Chances are people can see your vulnerability and will find it easy to sway or manipulate you. Start listening to your own inner voice above everyone else's. Start valuing your feelings, opinions, intuitions ..and from there you can start changing the way things are going on here. You already know what you need to do, you don't need anyone on here to tell you, trust yourself.

Pippylou · 13/07/2018 22:24

I come from a family not unfamiliar with smacking, etc. This is different, it's a grown man with no control. Don't leave the child with him ever & if your mum condones this behaviour, you have even more problems.

IAmLurkacus · 13/07/2018 22:25

Sorry to be blunt, but your Dad is a child abuser and your Mum an enabler.

You need to get your son and leave, leave now.

Do you live with them?

Do you have a partner?

What RL support do you have?

As a PP has said if your DS recounts this story at nursery it will be written down as CP and in all likelihood police and social care will be called.

You need to protect your child and be seen to be protecting your child.

Flowers this is a crappy situation.

TheExhausted · 13/07/2018 22:25

Please don't leave your child around your father OR your mother anymore. Your mother believes this is normal behaviour and will not keep your son safe.

SnapeFan · 13/07/2018 22:26

My upbringing was similar to yours OP. My dad regrets how he behaved then, has had anger management counseling, and has mellowed a lot. He worships his GC and looks after them sometimes. He also knows that if he ever laid a finger on them, he wouldn't see us for dust. It's probably all kicking off for you there right now, but stay strong for your son. You did a good thing posting if only to hear from other people it's not acceptable. Stay furious xx

Thebluedog · 13/07/2018 22:26

So sorry you’re going through this OP Flowers.

It really is utterly shit, but you’ve been conditioned to think this type of behaviour is normal and to accept this, as has your dm, which is why she’s trying to minimise it. It really isn’t normal for a grown man to hit a 3 year old in the face.

Ok, so your dc accidentally hurt him, a normal reaction is an ‘ow’ and an ask for him not to do it again as it hurt him. Worst case scenario is that you might get a little cross. But hitting IN THE FACE is never EVER normal.

I’m afraid you are now stuck in a place where his contact and that of your dm, as she can’t and won’t protect your dc, will now have to be supervised, because let’s face it, 3 yr olds are renowned for pushing buttons and accidentally dropping toys, breaking stuff and you can’t be sure or confident that your dF will react appropriately

astoundedgoat · 13/07/2018 22:30

You have the opportunity to break the cycle of abuse here. You say you don't know what normal is - this is NOT normal. A grandfather striking a baby across the face is not normal.

Have you still got a health visitor? Do you need support cutting contact with you father?

TheLionRoars1110 · 13/07/2018 22:33

Op please don't listen to your mum. She's enabling your dad. You must keep yourself and your son safe.
Don't let your son believe that hitting can be a 'gut reaction'. It's not a gut reaction to hit a small child for most ppl.
This is utter rubbish. Don't let them manipulate you! Get out of there please.

Timefortea99 · 13/07/2018 22:34

I grew up with a father that was not adverse to slapping/beating me. But I know plenty of other dads and granddads who respect their children/grandchildren. Despite what your mother says, this is not normal behaviour and I feel total disgust for him. I also feel disgusted with her too for trying to make excuses.

Seems like you tip toe around this bully and it looks like you are en route to forgiving him. Your son may also think it is normal behaviour if you ignore it. And then some poor woman will be the recipient of his fists at some point, and so the cycle continues.

You owe it to your son, and to yourself too, to cut this vile man out of your lives. And perhaps your mum too. But I have a feeling you won’t.

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