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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 3 year old is saying that his Grandad hit him in the face?

212 replies

GrandpaTroubles · 13/07/2018 19:22

Hello.

I need to preface this first by giving a little bit of history. My dad has always had a terrible temper. I was fearful of him growing up as he would often get very OTT angry at me and my mum. A simple disagreement would lead to him exploding in swear words. He has also been known to lash out when something accidentally happens to him, or he feels embarrassed. There have been a few incidents where he hit me, but this was when I was a teenager.

A recent example: he was trying to fix a door in his house, I didn't realise and I started opening the door which hurt him. He swore at me nastily and slammed the door back in my face. I was shocked and this caused me to cry.

I have never seen him behave this way towards his grandchildren, ever. We are staying over there this evening. I sent my son down to say goodnight to him so I did not witness what happened next.

I heard my dad make a strange 'OW' sound and then my son cried uncontrollably. I did not hear my dad telling my son off, but he could have told him off more with an angry face IFYSWIM? My son told me immediately afterwards (through tears and crying), that grandad had told him off and I went downstairs to sort it out. Apparently my son had accidentally hit my dad in the face with a plastic garden toy and he had told him off. My son didn't mention anything about hitting at this point.

When me and my son got upstairs I then asked him what happened, and he maintained that he did hit grandad accidentally with the plastic toy but he said that grandad hit him in the face! He has said this to me a couple of times since. My dad has been unusually nice since, almost as though he feels guilty.

I have not confronted him. I don't really know what to do as I know that sometimes 3 year olds can tell tales, but my son is not known for making things up and I know my dad's tendencies. My mum is coming home in a bit and she is going to confront him instead of me.

Does anyone know a situation where a 3 year old has made such claims up totally out of the blue? My gut feeling is telling me that my son is telling the truth, in which case I have no idea what to do. We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks and no doubt if this comes out it will be horrendous. I will not be able to stand by and let him look after my son alone again Sad

OP posts:
Luckystar777 · 13/07/2018 20:18

Your poor son, I believe him, he must be scared, this is really sad. I wouldn't let him near your dad again. It didn't matter you were teenage when he hit you, he should never have hit you either.

NoFucksImAQueen · 13/07/2018 20:28

I feel bad for you because it's so painstakingly obvious you're still terrified of your dad. You do realise you're going to have to stand up to him and protect your son though right? It won't be easy and it will be terrifying but as a mother you have to put your son first

Nofilter · 13/07/2018 20:28

Omg I'd be No Contact with this man!! Violent, selfish, rude - awful.

I would never let my DC near him again OP seriously your family have obviously normalised this behaviour and it is far from it!

If this post is a way for you to get some reassurance it's ok to react to this - then YES ITS OK GO AND FIGHT YOUR DS CORNER AS HE CANNOT FOR HIMSELF.

What a Bully!! Can i ask whether he is violent spontaneously to Men? I bet he isn't...

ethelfleda · 13/07/2018 20:30

Oh OP Flowers to you and your son.
I agree - you need to stand up to this man. Your son is too important to let this go

FannyFifer · 13/07/2018 20:32

He hit your son in the face. Leave now, go no contact, never let him have the opportunity to do so again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 20:35

I feel bad for you because it's so painstakingly obvious you're still terrified of your dad

I completely agree, and this is why it's not just about probable abuse of a little lad - terrible though that is

What lessons will it teach him to see the mum he loves so clearly frightened of someone like this? Sad

Laineymc7 · 13/07/2018 20:43

He did it, very obvious from your account of what happened. Believe your son and your gut. Keep your distance from now on. Tell him you’ll be reporting him to the police if he does near him again. Disgusting bully hitting a young child.

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/07/2018 21:16

Hope your DS is ok

PeppyPiggy · 13/07/2018 21:19

...My DD is almost three I know what's made up and what's not with her, just like you do with your DS... You already knew he was telling the truth before you posted this. You are the child of an abusive man and it shows, you sound so weak (I don't say that in a mean way, ok, I was terribly abused and locked in cupboards as a child.. I get it and was very weak for a long time too) You need to trust your gut and stand up for what you believe is right, stop pussyfooting around, you know DS is being truthful? What you doing?? Why are you so dependant? Why does you mum have to stand up for you? Why are you even going on holiday with your parents? You are an adult and not only that but you are a mother in your own right, you have an authority when it comes to your child. No else is as responsible or powerful in your sons life as YOU are. Time to start exercising that authority?? Along with some emotional independance and trust in yourself. I'm not being harsh so please don't take it that way

FunMum2025 · 13/07/2018 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 13/07/2018 21:26

It looks pretty conclusive OP. Your dad hit your 3 year old in the face. You have to deal with this, unpleasant as it is.

SomeKnobend · 13/07/2018 21:27

Why the hell are you still there? Your dad is a violent abusive bully and you know it. Pack your shit up and get yourself and your son out of there now, and don't go back.

chicola · 13/07/2018 21:31

Believe him

Original poster
GrandpaTroubles · 13/07/2018 21:38

I have spoken to my mum about it. It makes me sad how skewed her opinion is, and mine as a result too. She thinks I should still let him look after DS as 'everyone has their faults' and it's a knee-jerk reaction for my dad to act this way when someone accidentally hurts him. He was abused himself as a child. She said she suspects that most people's dads have an aggressive streak and she has seen many of her friends dads/grandads behave in a similar way.

We confronted my dad. He said he can't remember exactly what happened, just that it was a knee-jerk reaction and he 'may or may not have caught him in the face.' He says he feels terrible about it.

This is not an excuse for abuse though. Abuse is abuse. It's not appropriate to 'see red' when an accident happens and then not be able to remember it later on. I know this. It's very hard for me because I feel like I do not know what normal or not normal behaviour is. Especially when my mum says that her dad was the same, lots of men have an aggressive streak, no-one is perfect etc.

OP posts:
harrietm87 · 13/07/2018 21:42

If it's a knee jerk reaction then he'll do it again. You know he will. Protect your baby - he's relying on you.

Goldmandra · 13/07/2018 21:42

By your mother's logic, if your son spends time with your dad, the abuse he receives will cause an aggressive streak and he will abuse his own children. How would that be OK?

By excusing it, she is willingly perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

Regardless of that, he has demonstrated that he cannot control himself around your son. Please don't give him another chance to hit him.

ProudThrilledHappy · 13/07/2018 21:44

Are you still in their house??

Bambamber · 13/07/2018 21:46

If it was a knee jerk reaction it means he literally cannot control himself around your child. Next time your child could be more seriously injured, and let's face it, there will be a next time

teaandtwigs · 13/07/2018 21:47

Oh Jesus Christ. Hear this loud and clear - smacking a child in the face is never, ever acceptable. It is not what normal kind parents or grandparents do. Your dad is an abuser and one day your son might be too if you let him think this is how family behave with each other. Your mum is stuck in the abuse cycle. You have the chance to get out. Do it

Xiaoxiong · 13/07/2018 21:49

I know it's hard when you are conditioned to accept abuse to know what's right, you now have a whole thread of impartial observers telling you this isn't normal. I know this is hard to hear but your father has abused you, has now abused your child and will probably do it again and your mother has colluded by dismissing his actions. You need to leave to protect yourself and your child from your parents. Please stay safe. Thanks

Becca83 · 13/07/2018 21:49

You need to protect your son. Get your stuff together and leave now. Do you have somewhere to go? A friend? Hotel even? Show your boy that it's not ok what happened a d you will protect him.

SnapeFan · 13/07/2018 21:51

If anyone hit my toddler I'd be calling the police. What a fucking bastard. Flowers OP

AveAtqueVale · 13/07/2018 21:52

It’s not normal, OP. My DH has what I would describe as a quick temper, and was whacked a lot as a child because MIL is a loon. The idea of him hitting our three-year-old anywhere, never mind on the face, is so ridiculous I can’t even imagine it. ‘Lots of men’ do not have aggressive streaks. Some do, but surely one of the marks of being a functioning adult is being able to contain their natural aggression?

Even if you are personally ok with smacking as a punishment (I’m not, but lots of good, non-abusive parents are) and even if you were also ok with your parents taking it upon themselves to use it as a punishment, there is a world of difference between a considered, measured tap on the hand or bottom as a response to really bad behaviour, and a whack in the face.

Not surprised you’re furious. Your mum is right that nobody is perfect - but some imperfections are definitely worse than others, and you don’t have to put up with them!

Orlandointhewilderness · 13/07/2018 21:52

I think it sounds very likely tbh.

sparklepops123 · 13/07/2018 21:57

You've had history if it, I don't get why u waited for your mum cos she's obviously overlooked it previously in your case. Your in control now it's you who gets to decide if you son is around an abuser

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