Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSDs mum doesn't want me to breastfeed in front of DSD.

214 replies

PinkThread · 12/07/2018 08:37

Due mine and DHs first. We're very excited and can't waif for the next few weeks to pass so we can finally meet our little one.

DSD 6 was asking me what a baby eats and drinks, so me and her dad very briefly explained to her about breast feeding. She already knew about this and I think this is what she wanted to talk about but was too shy to bring it up.

When we had her at the weekend, DP had a text from DSDs mum stating that under no circumstances will I be breast feeding or exposing my breasts to DSD as it is inappropriate.

AIBU to think that this is a really bizarre ask?

I'm not going to go around flashing my boobs at her (or anyone for that matter) but I don't see anything wrong in a 6 year old (will be 7 when baby is born) seeing me breast feed?

Opinions?

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 12/07/2018 11:59

Maybe the woman is thinking about your DH seeing your boobs. Maybe she is jealous of you with with her Ex and that is the picture she sees in her head when she thinks of the new baby. Could that be possible?
It's probably a fairly big milestone when an Ex has a baby with a new partner and she is trying to 'control' it from afar.

stayathomer · 12/07/2018 11:59

@stayathomer The mother does not have a right to dictate how a child's sibling is fed in front of the child. The OP, however, does have rights. The Equality Act means that women can breast feed where they are legally allowed to be. And in Scotland it is actually an offence to directly or indirectly try to stop a child under 24 weeks breastfeeding. Anyone who tries to can be subject to a civil suit.

I don't think she's trying to stop the OP breastfeeding though, she's just worried about her child seeing it. And again, I don't agree, I can just understand that she has a different opinion and am saying OP needs to talk to her and DH and tell her why it shouldn't be an issue

Seaweed42 · 12/07/2018 12:01

Also, I would just completely ignore the text about breastfeeding and not get into it at all. Answering it will just feed it more.

ravenmum · 12/07/2018 12:02

On my screen the thread title on "trending" is cut off as "DSDs mum doesn't want me to breastfeed"; maybe some people are missing the end.

headinhands · 12/07/2018 12:05

What does the mum do when she's out with her dd and, shock horror, they come across a breastfeeding mum? Does she quickly usher her dd away with her hand over her eyes?

headinhands · 12/07/2018 12:05

Op it's not about breastfeeding. It's about her discomfort over the new baby. I'm sure it will settle down.

Original poster
PinkThread · 12/07/2018 12:08

I would just like to reiterate that I understand how hard it must be to know your daughter is spending one with your ex and another woman. My DP feels the same, but he keeps his feelings to himself or talks to me about it, at which point I remind him that nobody could ever replace a mother or a father. A step-parent is more of an aunt/uncle/friend figure and that he and DDs mum are number 1.

He doesn't dictate to his ex what she can and can't do.

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/07/2018 12:08

Your DH needs to tell his exW that she has absolutely no right whatsoever to set rules in the home he has set up with you, DSD and your new baby. ExW needs to be reminded of this very basic fact: in your home, your DH decides how to parent DSD, not exW.

CornforthWhite · 12/07/2018 12:32

Ignore her message. End of. If she presses further explain that she's being unreasonable. But don't engage in a battle over text

gryffen · 12/07/2018 12:38

Oh Jesus.

BF all you want in your own house and in public.

I actually have had on bad experience with a BF mum who I actually had to tell to cover up- wasn't pretty but she actually was in wrong and was cautioned by the police.

Long story short - our patrol area is totally BF/FF friendly and we fully support each and actively help when needed if we see them struggling getting stuff out bags, calming other kids with crayons and paper etc. Unfortunately this lady was so into chatting with her friends her baby had fell asleep and she was exposing herself - I popped over and said baby asleep and you need to cover up as we've had some complaints of exposing yourself.

Now before she started a rant I told her it was fine to BF here but for near ten minutes she had a full breast exposed to public view and that's classed as exposure since she did nothing to hide herself or reattach baby.

One massive screech and police came over on their own accord and we invited her and a witness of her choice to come up and view the CCTV and see who was making the complaints - it was all woman who were BF themselves but we're concerned she would be targatted for abuse or comments etc.

She went home with tail between legs and apologised to us a week later but she now hides away and has weird comments about BF now and demands all kids and non BF mum's out the specific mum friendly area for privacy etc - guess who had to deal with that issue.

Your house your rules and your man is on you side so just ignore her or challenge her views as it sounds like she has major hangups.

Good luck with new baby - I'm due in 3 weeks (YKA!) and hopefully more successful this time round lol

Seasawride · 12/07/2018 12:39

PinkThread

You sound an amazing step mum and that also may be part of his ex’s jealousy that you have such a good relationship with her dd. Sad

Just carry on as you are and hopefully after the baby is here his ex will back off with these silly requests.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 12/07/2018 12:41

Well I've read some odd things on MN but this has to be right up there....

What if DSD has a friend whose mother was BF'ing a newborn? Would she make the same demand if DSD was there on a play date? Of course not.

I'm not suggesting it's easy to see your child be excited about a new sibling, knowing it's a huge life event you're not part of, but it doesn't give anyone the right to dictate how a mother feeds her child in her own home or anywhere else for that matter.

There's absolutely no justification for this demand.

Even if DSD were to be a bit uncomfortable (and I'm not suggesting she would be - most kids at that age are curious and find it interesting for a bit and then just about exciting as watching someone brush their teeth) then the best approach is to normalise it, not hide it.

Personally I wouldn't even engage on this issue.

If she raises it again with your DH then all he needs to say is that the feeding arrangements of the newborn are not her concern. Don't discuss or debate it.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth Thanks

LaurieMarlow · 12/07/2018 12:59

gryffen so this mother was cautioned by the police for leaving a boob out after breastfeeding? Really? Confused

Naveloranges · 12/07/2018 13:01

How very bizarre when grown adults resort to WTF to reply to a perfectly reasonable comment. My daughter is part of an extended family with step mum who is just fantastic. My friends often comment on what a great relationship we all have. It has taken a lot of work over the years. However my main aim was that my daughter never suffered due to her parents’ relationship breakdown.
I’m very happy that the little girl in question is part of a loving and happy extended family.

LaurieMarlow · 12/07/2018 13:03

OP, don't even dignify this with a response.

If she keeps pressing the point with your DH (rather than you) then direct her to official channels to register her objections. That should nip it in the bud.

Naveloranges · 12/07/2018 13:03

Pink thread - sounds like you have a very happy extended family. Good luck with the new baby.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/07/2018 13:05

Weird. DD watched me bf DS2 when she was 4 - 6. She sees it as how you feed babies.

Kokeshi123 · 12/07/2018 13:12

So what will happen when SD reaches puberty and starts developing boobs of her own--will she have to wear a blindfold in the shower?

I'm getting flashbacks of the Queen in Blackadder 1--"She's so damn pure she hardly dares look down in case she notices her own breasts...."

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 12/07/2018 13:15

stayathomer so what's she going to do if they see a mum bfing in a café? Cover her DD's eyes? Confused

Mookatron · 12/07/2018 13:18

@gryffen I'm shocked by that story. Did the woman's breast somehow become a sexual object in the ten minutes since she'd fed her child? When? About minute 7?

What do you mean by your 'patrol area'? Are you a police officer?

If the police did formally caution that woman that's absolutely appalling, intimidating behaviour.

loopylass13 · 12/07/2018 13:30

That is quite an unreasonable request, it is not sexual but actually just a food source. It will be rather educational for your step daughter too and might inspire her to breastfeed in the future. A newborn especially is attached almost 24/7 to the boobs so unless you want to be banished to the bedroom during step daughter's visits, this is not a reasonable request at all. I would not engage with this woman about this issue. You have a legal right to breastfeed anywhere you want, including your own home.

Original poster
PinkThread · 12/07/2018 13:30

@gryffen that has to be one of the the strangest stories I've ever heard! A woman was cautioned for having her boob out? Not like she was flashing her genitals. Can the police even give a caution over an exposed boob?

Weird...

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkThread · 12/07/2018 13:34

@gryffen "The law is that it becomes an offence if it can be proved the lady exposed her breasts with the intention to upset or shock. The complainant has to prove this."

Pretty sure the police shouldn't have cautioned her on this occasion. Awful that they did.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/07/2018 13:38

The police caution story - crime levels must be very low in that neck of the woods if the police have time for that!

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 12/07/2018 13:41

the police caution story is bollocks.(tits?)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.