DSDs mum doesn't want me to breastfeed in front of DSD.

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Due mine and DHs first. We're very excited and can't waif for the next few weeks to pass so we can finally meet our little one.

DSD 6 was asking me what a baby eats and drinks, so me and her dad very briefly explained to her about breast feeding. She already knew about this and I think this is what she wanted to talk about but was too shy to bring it up.

When we had her at the weekend, DP had a text from DSDs mum stating that under no circumstances will I be breast feeding or exposing my breasts to DSD as it is inappropriate.

AIBU to think that this is a really bizarre ask?

I'm not going to go around flashing my boobs at her (or anyone for that matter) but I don't see anything wrong in a 6 year old (will be 7 when baby is born) seeing me breast feed?

Opinions?

@Juells I just think it'd get a bit tiring after a while and I would constantly be thinking of DSDs mum when I was trying to bond with my baby. I'm getting the impression I just need to get on with this and ignore her ridiculous request!

I breast fed in front of my two sisters who are young as I lived at home for the first 3 months, when my milk came in I was topless and they laughed at milk pouring out of me they had a good look at me breastfeeding a couple of times but made no comments on it! My baby had to be fed, that mother is barking!

@stayathomer if that is the reason then it's best DSD does see it normalised to try and avoid the mum influencing some kind of 'breastfeeding fear' for her DD too.

Though I would assume this is more stemming from jealousy about the baby/her DD having a sibling shes not involved with, which is an understandable feeling but needs to be kept as a feeling not allowed to effect or be shown to her DD.

Sounds like this maybe has more to do with making things difficult for you and her ex-husband?

My thoughts exactly

Just ignore it.

There’s nothing wrong with being naked in front of a child either...it teaches them bodies come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. She’s your DSD that you have 50/50 shared care of and are about to have her sibling, it’s unreasonable to treat them differently and allowing a toddler to come in & out of your bathroom and bedroom, but not your DSD is not nice.

Is her mum generally not happy with her daughter living with another woman? Is she uncomfortable about the potential level of intimacy that involves?

My bf has a daughter the same age and I would feel a bit uncomfortable about her seeing me undressed - though we don't live together, so it is a bit different. And I've got a lovely stepdad, but would feel awkward about him being naked.

It's difficult with dscs, isn't it, as you want to be loving, which requires a certain degree of intimacy, but at the same time you don't want to give the impression you are replacing their parent - and it can definitely feel a bit odd to be naked in front of a child that is not your own.

I'd probably just say I would obviously be doing it discreetly, and that I was not going to cover up all the time in my own house, any more than she would in hers. The situation is tricky, but honestly that's not a realistic expectation.

I'm getting the impression I just need to get on with this and ignore her ridiculous request!

Sounds wise! She might try to play games such as denying contact - but you can't give in to this ridiculous request, it could harm establishing BFing with your baby, or your relationship with DSD.

Apart from anything else, you can't stop people bf in public, so it's definitely not on to try to stop you bf in your own home just because her DD is there.

Yes, but her mum can’t dictate everything that happens at her dads house. Especially for things such as how a baby (that is nothing to do with her) is being fed.

But it impacts her own child in her mind so while she can't dictate, she can raise it as an issue she has

That might be true during her 50% of the time. The other 50% she is with her father who makes those decisions.
And it does matter how irrational it is.

Yes , it is her child, but her she is also the OP's DH's child. Does he not have an equal say?

She shouldn’t be indulged because what she feels uncomfortable about is beyond ridiculous

It is unreasonable AND irrational and that is why it is up to DH to take to her (with OP there). They can't just dismiss it altogether. She does have rights, no matter how crazy they might seem to most other people-they're obviously not irrational or crazy in her mind.

I am honestly not saying I agree I'm just saying she has an issue, it needs to be talked about, you can't just say I'm not even going to answer that, it'll just lead to more issues in the future. (sorry everyone, honestly!!!)

I know someone who fed her first but not second as she thought it was inappropriate for the older child to see her boobs

No matter how unreasonable it is it's her right to not want her daughter to see it.
No it isn't, unless she never takes her daughter out in public ever. Women have the legal right to breastfeed without harassment in any public place, and where you find babies and children, you will also find women breastfeeding. What would DSD's mum do then? Cover her child's eyes, hustle her home? And does she really have the right to instil her own harmful, irrational hangups in her daughter?

It's a complete non-starter. Unless she keeps her daughter locked in a trunk, the daughter will see women breastfeeding. (Which isn't "seeing another women's boobs", really, and even if it was - doesn't her daughter ever go swimming? Surely she's seeing a whole range of other women's boobs in the changing room.) The idea that you'd hide away in your own house to breastfeed a newborn is both ludicrous and pointless.

I doubt this is really about the breastfeeding, to be honest. Sounds like the mother is just trying to find something to snark about because she isn't comfortable with her ex having a baby with another woman. I suppose it must be an uncomfortable time for her, even if she is over him. She's still behaving badly of course, but hopefully by not engaging you will allow this to blow over.

I would completely ignore the request, yes. It’s too absurd to pay any heed to, so don’t.

I wouldn't react to that request in any form. She has nothing to say about what happens in your house as long as it's not harmful.

Ds was about 9 when his step sister was born. Step mum breast fed. It never occurred to me to have a problem with it or be weirded out by him seeing her boobs. She was feeding her baby, his sister, its normal human behaviour. Sorry OP I don't have any advice, except a text to say 'get a grip' maybe?

@stayathomer or she needs to be an adult and get a grip and realise that sometimes she just can't get involved.

Should my DH tell to her about his irrational concerns/jealousies?

• not liking DD being around another man he hasn't met
• no liking not knowing where DD is ALL THE TIME
• not knowing who DD is spending time with
• not knowing if DD ever sees her step dad undressed

No because these are things that whilst most men are concerned with, are not raised because quite frankly he needs to trust that DDs mum has his DDs best interests at heart!

If we give in to talking to her about this then what other crazy demands are we going to face?

Just ignore it, don't even respond, or if you have to, because she's insisting on a reply, just say you'll cover up as best you can when DSD is there, and leave it at that.

It sounds like she has issues with the life you have and her poor dd is going to have issues with her body if she carries on like this, so I'd have your dh explain to her to plan to do whatever you want (within reason, obvs you won't be lounging around stark naked) in your home and with your family, including her when she is with you. Hopefully the experience can actually be a positive one for DSD and for her once you're all in it. My dd was 5 when ds was born and she's seen me bf in all sorts of states and places. It's very normal for her and she had questions initially and wanted to understand how it all worked, but now it's about as uninteresting and routine as anything else we do in our house.

Just tell this bizarre woman, "Tough titty", then get on with looking after your child in the best way you can.

Wow that's some true mum on mum hate right there which is so sad!! Why do women do this to each other??
She is being completely silly about this, it's not as if you're performing a stripe show.
I'd ignore it to be honest!

“No matter how unreasonable it is it's her right to not want her daughter to see it.“

No it’s not. That’s not a ‘right’, it’s a mere preference and it’s a bloody outlandish one at that. She has no ‘right’ to ask this whatsoever...what are you talking about?

I think OP should ignore this but (apols if already raised) maybe worth considering if this relates to DSD's mum's own feeding choices or experience. It is very likely DSD will ask her mum how she was fed, this may be a conversation she doesn't want to have. Not that this should change how OP feeds her baby, just a thought.

Should my DH tell to her about his irrational concerns/jealousies?

if he has real ones then yes! And I mean that!

or if you have to, because she's insisting on a reply, just say you'll cover up as best you can when DSD is there, and leave it at that.

i think you should do this, just to acknowledge that you've listened to her issue.

As soon as you send your kids to school you relinquish a bit of your right to control every little thing that enters their eyes/ears/brain. This kid is 6 and exists independently of her mum, as we all do. She wants to control this because it is about her ex's new wife. If she tried to stop someone breastfeeding in a public place so her daughter didn't see it she would be pilloried and rightly so.

I would utterly ignore this request. Even engaging with it gives it credence.

I had that for a brief moment when I was due with DS, I laughed it off and pointed out that it would be near impossible to implement as baby would need to be fed at all hours of the day. I ebf in front of everyone, did not wave my boobs around and they did not see much!