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AIBU?

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Original poster

DSDs mum doesn't want me to breastfeed in front of DSD.

214 replies

PinkThread · 12/07/2018 08:37

Due mine and DHs first. We're very excited and can't waif for the next few weeks to pass so we can finally meet our little one.

DSD 6 was asking me what a baby eats and drinks, so me and her dad very briefly explained to her about breast feeding. She already knew about this and I think this is what she wanted to talk about but was too shy to bring it up.

When we had her at the weekend, DP had a text from DSDs mum stating that under no circumstances will I be breast feeding or exposing my breasts to DSD as it is inappropriate.

AIBU to think that this is a really bizarre ask?

I'm not going to go around flashing my boobs at her (or anyone for that matter) but I don't see anything wrong in a 6 year old (will be 7 when baby is born) seeing me breast feed?

Opinions?

OP posts:
Seasawride · 12/07/2018 09:29

I would ignore it to because this really isn’t about breast feeding she’s obviously feeling insecure because you are having a baby with her ex husband and she may be worried her dd will be pushed into second place with you.

I know that’s not going to happen but she might feel it will and she’s probably a bit jealous herself.

Ignore this. It’s silly as quote frankly you may not even breastfeed at all or just for a few weeks or indeed for 2 years but at the moment it’s not an issue.

Be your usual self with your dsd and keep it all light and friendly with the ex. You don’t want to cause more bad feeling so I would ignore it.

MrsPreston11 · 12/07/2018 09:31

Jeez what a whack job.

You should see my 5 yo when a woman is breastfeeding, she gets way too close to see what's going on. (I of course don't let her do this to people we aren't close to!)

She fed until she was 3.5 herself but I don't think she remembers it much but as long as I know the woman and she doesn't mind DD being interested then I think it's a good thing to see. It was because of my aunt being so open feeding my cousins when I was 5-10 that I grew up wanting to BF and seeing it as normal.

Jghijjjoo · 12/07/2018 09:31

Of course you should do it but you can be discreet even if it is your own home. It's not difficult to do.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 12/07/2018 09:32

She is the weird one, definitely not you. Look at it this way, she thinks it’s perfectly acceptable (and it is) for her daughter to see a baby fed the milk of another animal via a plastic bottle, but gets worked up over the thought of her daughter seeing a baby fed exactly what they are supposed to be fed!

Would she get upset if they went to a farm and saw baby cows feeding. Baby cows feeding from your breasts would be weird, a baby human being fed is normal and as pp said, you’re not putting on a burlesque show. Ignore her.

WhiteWalkerWife · 12/07/2018 09:33

If it wasn't this it would just be something else from the sounds of things. Your dh just needs to tell her that you will be breastfeeding your baby and thats it.

Doing this is trying to alienate her child who is obviously intrigued given her questions. The mum is trying to put her issues on the child and while her demand should be acknowledged it should not be complied with.

Some of my family didn't want me to bf around them so they didnt see the baby at their houses, they had to come to me and they had to move to another room when i fed. I had a bf top, nothing on show but apparently just knowing what i was doing was enough.

TheHalfBloodPrincess · 12/07/2018 09:33

This is entirely the mother’s issue.

Out of interest, did she breastfeed dsd?

I bf ds in front of my teens, my teen dsds and, thinking about it, most of their friends too if they were round.
Didn’t even enter my head if it was inappropriate or that I should cover up. It’s natural and needs normalising. There shouldn’t even be a discussion.

Maelstrop · 12/07/2018 09:34

Don't respond or she'll respond and there'll be a row. Just ignore and carry on.

Seasawride · 12/07/2018 09:38

I think if possible all the adults here, the sensible ones, do not want this to become a big issue though as this will impact on a child who may be feeling insecure allresdy with the new baby coming.

If your dh starts demanding to meet the mums bf etc it ups the anti and just now guy need to keep it calm and so either ignore or reassure her you will be trying to BF your baby but you will be discreet as you probably would be anyway.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 12/07/2018 09:39

I wouldn't even reply. To do so would feel like the time between messages was one in which you were considering her request /demands!

BlueBug45 · 12/07/2018 09:40

Don't respond to the mother as it is your OH's job.

Just point out to him due to her age she will be around other mothers that breast feed that are complete strangers, and may even be taught about it at school.

Your job, when the time comes, is to make it seem normal and answer the child's questions about it as neutrally as possible so she has no hang ups about her body. The latter is due to advice changing every decade or so.

AlbertaSimmons · 12/07/2018 09:40

This is code for "I'm not happy that you're having a baby with my Ex" and "I don't want DD to have another family that I'm not part of".

How does she even know you're intending to bf, or is this a pre-emptive strike? If she knows because she's been told by DSD, who has been told by you, then you need to be more circumspect about what private information you share with DSD.

If she's making a pre-emptive strike, then you can be sure there'll be something else before too long, possibly up to and including reasons why your DH can't be with you when the baby is born (DSD needs him to do some spurious thing with her and she must come first); DSD is not to meet the baby until her DM deems it appropriate, and that won't be at any time to suit you; you mustn't go out as a family with baby and DSD in case of...insert spurious reason.

Don't engage. This isn't about DSD.

Seasawride · 12/07/2018 09:41

I remember my oldest sons horrified face as I bf my twins in Pizza Hut. Obviously not one on each boob but one at a time.

He was 11 at the time and my 10 year old said ‘mummy that’s a bit cheeky’ Grin still makes us all chuckle now

ravenmum · 12/07/2018 09:41

Not much sympathy for a woman who's got to send off her six-year-old to stay with a new mother figure half the week.

OP, how long has the mum had to get used to the idea of her ex living with another woman and her child? How many times has she met you?

butlerswharf · 12/07/2018 09:41

She has weird boob issues. Her comments are inappropriate - not you!

SummerGems · 12/07/2018 09:42

I wouldn’t even respond. She doesn’t have a say anyway so I would just leave it.

If she says any more it’ll all be on her. If you say nothing she will have to stop at some point.

Seasawride · 12/07/2018 09:42

Alberta yes agree with that.

Seasawride · 12/07/2018 09:44

Ravenmum

I have sympathy for her too despite the ridiculous request which is obviously nothing about BF.

Kintan · 12/07/2018 09:44

This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read on MN! Please just ignore her. Don't even engage with her on this, it's absolutely none of her business.

Excited0803 · 12/07/2018 09:44

I'm sure we can all sympathise that the woman is finding it hard with a new baby coming and probably remembering the early days with her own daughter. She can't get to transfer those emotions into creating difficulties for you. I don't think you should give an inch; she will escalate if she thinks she gets some of her own way by raising such an unreasonable request.

A simple response from your husband could be something like: "I appreciate it must be difficult for you to think about the new baby and I'm sorry if you're finding it hard. That said, the Equality Act 2010 gives all women the right to not be discriminated against in public due to breastfeeding, so we won't have behaviours at home that wouldn't even be required in public."

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2018 09:44

I agree with Pictish. I think she’s very insecure about you having a child and her dd may want to be with you not her. This is about her feeling out of control. It is probably best for you dp to respond to her. Do you have a good relationship with her? I’d probably try to be kind but firm rather than creating more friction.

MeridianB · 12/07/2018 09:45

Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Don't respond, don't explain or justify.
As Alberta says - this is not about DSD so just don't engage at all.

Lethaldrizzle · 12/07/2018 09:45

'You can be discreet even in your own home' - what! My breasts, my home, I'd do what ever worked best for me and baby.

ravenmum · 12/07/2018 09:46

Yes, the request is really silly - and I agree that this is unlikely to be about breastfeeding in itself being a bad thing.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 12/07/2018 09:47

You do realise if your baby is a boy you won't be able to change it around dsd either? .
She might see a penis!

eniledam · 12/07/2018 09:47

This is really sad. DSD's mother is effectively teaching her daughter to be ashamed of the female body, and in a weird horrible way, she's sexualising it. Otherwise, why on earth would BF be inappropriate? It's completely natural - it's what boobs are FOR.

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