Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

How do the grandparents feel about it? Are they capable of making decisions?

I think it's entirely up to the grandparents. DH and I have arranged consolidated hours at work so I'd work Tuesday to Friday and he'll do Monday to Thursday, both full time. We can afford three days at nursery. Our parents won't hear of it and say we'd be depriving them of grandparent time. MIL has retired so she's available whenever we would like, my mum is insistent on at least one day per week and my dad who is already retired has said he's a bit worried about babies but once they can walk and talk a bit he wants grandad day like he has with my niece who's going to school nursery in September. We'd happily make our own arrangements but it's what they want, and it's nice for them to be with family.

The GPS benefit as well, though. Being part of a young family, feeling wanted and needed, watching the dgc splashing in the paddling pool, helping out with baths, playing Lego, chatting about batman... Sometimes I wonder what I'd do with my time if I didn't have them. On the other hand, I couldn't do it 5 days per week. The dgc are exhausting!

It's between the grandparents and their children, surely?
Any adults well enough in mind and body to look after small children should also be well enough to say no if they don't want to.

I came onto this thread thinking this was going to be a thread about care of grandparents - stairlifts, domicillary care and mobility scooters galore!

Some Grandparents actually enjoy looking after their grandchildren so yes YABU. It is entirely for them to decide. Are you unable to use grandparents for any childcare?

My mum looked after Dd 2 days a week when Dd was really young, given the chance my parents would have been happy for Dd to move in full time! If the grandparents in question don’t want to do it they should be free to say so, but they might enjoy it?

Why do you work rather than stay at home if it's not worth your while financially? Not trying to catch you out, genuinely interested to hear your reasons. I guess you either just love your job or are aiming for career progression?

(Misses point of thread)

Wrong for GPs to provide childcare - YABU

Wrong for GPs to provide childcare to some siblings and not others- YANBU possibly. Although depends on circumstances.

No. Probably not a popular opinion, but Grandparents should have an active role in raising their grandchildren. My kids are spending their summer holidays with gp, like me and dh used to. My sister has both sets of gp caring for her kids.

I understand the jealousy, the hurt at the injustice.

I'm the eldest of 3 my mum never did any childcare of dd, I paid for nursery and wraparound care. I was a Lp from dd was 2 I got NO support from my parents at all. Exs parents probably would have but they were older parents and therefore much older grandparents (they're nearer my grandparents age than my parents) so they weren't physically up to it, even an hour exhausted them and that was with me there!

My brother had some support from my parents when he was a Lp for a short while. His late ex's parents did more though.

My sister though, who is very much mum's gc, has had and continues to get ENDLESS support of EVERY kind!

Dd is an adult now (still trying to wrap my head round that one ) but it still hurts.

And worse...it hurts dd because she sees how her cousins are favoured. She has a limited relationship with her dads parents and honestly not much more of one with mine. Its heartbreaking.

But, all that said yabu. Because it's not within your choices, it's not for you to say they can or can't do it.

It's hard, but you have to find a way to set it aside.

I agree with you. Obviously there are probably some grandparents that are very happy to look after their gc and the arrangement works well. But I can imagine lots of situations where they might have started looking after one gc, then more and more gc come along, and then siblings might get upset if the care is not equal. And then it becomes expected, rather than seen as a massive favour. Or that it’s seen as a favour to the grandparent (for bonding time) rather than a massive favour for the parents.

Also what if the grandparents change their mind after a while? Would it cause upset and falling out?

It would be interesting to know if the people who agree with you are the ones who don’t have their children watched by their parents

Some grandparents love their grandchildren and want to spend time with them. A lot of parents love their kids and want to help out their children with childcare

Also are the sister and sil married or do not think childcare is also the dads responsibility?

Some grandparents love looking after their GCs. I know my mum would be guttered if I didn’t let her (she also had GC 5x a week). She saw it as helping us out financially, we were able to save for a house. I’d ask her what her thoughts are and go from there.

robojesus, I don’t think it’s about love though. Lots of grandparents love their kids and grandkids, but that doesn’t mean they want to become carers for them. And I can imagine some grandparents are guilted into it.

My parents absolutely would not look after my kids. And they love us all very much. They would help in an emergency of course, which I am grateful for.

I’d love to help my Dc with their DC one day. I don’t understand all this nonsense of family shouldn’t expect to help each other out as read so often on here.

If I wasn’t in a position to physically help, say I was still working, I’d definitely help pay for childcare to ease the burden on my Dc

My in laws would go mad if we tried to put our DS in childcare instead of letting them have him.

YABU to criticise other people’s childcare arrangements if it’s working well for them - maybe the grandparents don’t mind? When I’m a grandparent I’d like to do this for my DC.

But YANBU if the grandparents have offered childcare to your sister/SIL and not to you - that’s unfair (unless there are good reasons like living too far away etc).

My parents provide after school
care for my children everyday.

They don’t provide afterschool care for their other grandchildren as they live at the other end of the country.

I could happily afford to pay for childcare but my parents would be furious if we used childcare when they love having them everyday.

They offered, we didn’t ask.

We check on a regular basis that they are still happy with the arrangement and that it’s not too much for them.

We take them on holiday every year to thank them for all they do and make sure they know we appreciate all that they do.

I’m pretty sure my sibling has no idea about the conversations I mentioned two paragraphs ago or that we take them on holiday or arrange other treats to say thank you.

If your parents are happy with their current arrangements, it’s nothing to do with you.

H’s ex IL told him and his ex they wouldn’t lol after their Dc1 as they’d done their bit with their own DC. They acknowledged regret of that decision as his ex had more DC later. But by then you can’t turn back the clock and change things.

I can see your point. When DD was about five I met a lady in the park. The toddler ran off despite frequent calls and she had a child of four and a baby in the pram. Her dilemma was which to go after the toddler, the four year old plus pushing the baby. I offered to watch baby and pram so she could grasp the other two. She was naturally hesitate but didn't know what to do so followed through. When she returned for the pram we sat on the bench so she could recover. She explained they were her children's children and she watched one three days a week and the other two three days a week so on one day she had three children under five. She said she was finding it a bit much, she looked exhausted and had little time for herself. She was 73! I told her I thought it was ridiculous and I would never do that to my mum. I talked through a plan with her to bring it up and I think she was relieved to speak to someone about it. Sometimes a stranger can put a different perspective forward and I still think of her from time to time and hope she enjoyed some of her retirement.

My DM looks after DS one day a week. She wants to - he has a nursery place for that day (she picks him up mid-morning), so she doesn’t have to and isn’t saving me any money. But she loves spending time with him and they have a lovely special bond. I’m really glad she does it.

Why doesn’t your DM provide childcare for you, OP? It is logistics, or is she just less close to you?

If it’s logistics then YABU. Move closer if you want free childcare. If it’s favouritism then YANBU, but that’s entirely your DM’s doing, not your sister and SIL’s fault.

It's up to the Grandparents. If they are happy with it, then this isn't a problem. I don't personally get it though and wouldn't want to be tied to childcare when retired, nor would I want grandparents looking after my children on a regular basis.

It’s up to the GPs. Some want to play an active part in their GCs lives and are happy to care for them, others don’t. I find it strange when people just assume their DCs will be looked after by GPs and get annoyed when they’re not. When you have kids ‘you’ have them and are responsible for them. If GP choose to play a part that’s a bonus, but it can’t be assumed or expected.