Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

I'll be using grandparent care when I return to work after being on mat leave with DS2. He has a health condition that means childcare is impossible.

DH is going part time and we are paying my Mum to cover the rest of the week. We are very fortunate that my job pays enough to cover this.

OP is obviously hurting that she is being treated differently to her sister. (Perhaps like shakey, her parents play favourites). I think people could respond more sensitively to her.

From your post OP I don't think the issue here is that you think your sis and SIL are being unfair to your parents, it's jealousy that the same option isn't available to you and you're financially worse off because of it. I completely understand your feelings and it is unfair. Can you all not 'share' their time?

Otherwise, I don;t see anything wrong at all in grandparents helping with childcare. I have two under three and every soft play, baby group, baby class, park I go to during the week there are several grandparents there with grandchildren. The ones I have spoken to seem to love looking after the grandchildren, they love being able to help their children, they love spending time with their grandchildren, they love 'having a purpose on those days' (their words not mine), they love the social aspect of having their grandchildren.

There is a really peculiar attitude on MN that it's unreasonable and entitled to ask or accept childcare from grandparents.Not all grandparents are old, fragile, vulnerable and being taken advantage off, some grandparents WANT to help and ENJOY it!

Jealous OP??

Yes, it's very unfair on you. But it seems the first born DGCs get priority over the followers. I think I would say something to DGPs, not criticise them but say how disappointed you are that you don't get to spend time with them.
It's up to your DGPs to say something and if they won't then it won't change.

YABU. Every family has different circumstances. The way OP worded her first post is that working parents shove their kids towards GParents when parents go back to work.

Not always the case. My DM wanted to look after my DD as did my PILs. So my DM has my DD two days a week and my PILs look after my DD one day a week (I work three days a week so I love the 4 days I have with DD). They all volunteered back when my DH looked at nursery care before my maternity leave was up. We did make sure they were ok with the time, commitment, etc (after all they should enjoy their retirement, etc - but they all said they wanted to help look after my DD)

This way my DD has fantastic relationships with her GPs and my DH and I save money.

My DD starts pre-school nursery at our local first school in September which the GPs are a little sad they will spend less time with DD. I think it’s lovely if GPs CAN help out and offer to look after any GC.

My PIL have been begging for grandchildren for years. They both still work but are reaching retirement age, they have said they will have our kids for a couple of days a week when we have them... we’ll now we have one, and so does SIL and MIL dropped 2 days a week at work to have them. She goes on and on about how much she loves it and I know that she does an amazing job. She will not take anything from us by way of a Thankyou. We tried to give them a weekend away, they gave us equal amount of money back in Next vouchers as an extra Xmas pressie that year.
Those 2 days a week mean that I can work. I don’t earn much more than minimum wage and childcare is expensive. To send my daughter to nursery for the day would mean I earn £9 and that’s before petrol to get to and from work, washing uniform etc. Without my MIL I wouldn’t be working, and I love my job. I Was fully prepared to give it up (we can just afford to live on DHs wages, but she enables me to still have something that is mine) and if she ever decided she doesnt want the kids anymore then I will feel nothing but gratitude for the time I did have.
Some grandparents want more than anything to have that time and form those bonds, I think it’s pretty sad that you see it as unfair when it’s all down to circumstances and everyone is different.

I don't actually know anyone who uses grandparents as childcare all the grandparents work full time. My son's grandparents are all very young though as they're only in their 50s.

Personally, my Grandma looked after me between the ages of 2 and 11 (term time only as both parents worked) and my parents gave her money each week to supplement any activities we did.

I'm currently expecting my first DD and my parents (mid 50s) will look after DD when I return to work after my 12 months MAT leave. My DP and I will be paying them half the daily rate of local childminders.

I understand that this arrangement doesn't work for everyone but my grandma was a huge part of my life growing up and I cannot thank my parents enough that they are going to play such an important role in my DD's life.

YABU

You are only saying that because you have to pay for childcare and your sister and SIL do not. Get over it.

DC2 will be going to MIL once a week when I return to work, I’d rather he didn’t as I feel it’s better to be in paid childcare which I can change/complain if I’m not happy.

I really don’t want him to go to her but DP has been guilted into it.

I work in a library and see lots of GP visiting with their grandchildren in their care (especially in the summer holidays)

A.) There are those who are obviously thoroughly enjoying their time, energetic and in control and engaging with the children.

B.) Then there are those who are frazzled, can't keep up with the little ones, they look exhausted and guilty as they know they aren't up for the task. Often the children are clearly in charge.

I think it depends on the situation, type of grandparent etc. Sometimes it can be a great thing for all involved, sometimes not.

Five days a week is crazy. Surely their retirement should have more things for them - most retired people I know would be to busy to commit to more than a couple of days a week of regular childcare...I think it becomes less of a treat all round then as well
My parents pick my kids up one day a week from school but are often away on holiday etc they all really enjoy this once a week time ...I'm very conscious that as soon as it gets to much for them I'll ask the childminder to gave them

My in laws (my parents dead) told us when we were considering having children they they wouldn't be available to look after our children regularly so we'd need childcare - to be honest I'd not even thought about that anyway but good they were up front about it from the get go

Unfair distribution of their time is a bit mean tho in your case

Totally depends on age of kids, number of kids, hours required and GP health and fitness. I help out around a more than full time demanding career with one GS ...anyway who are all of these GP who are able to retire?

Just as an aside - spending time with children can help (obviously not prevent completely) stave off or slow dementia.

@shakey I agree that, like OP, you are not being treated equally here. My advice is the same, could you not discuss it with your DP as they may not be aware of your feelings. Apologies if you already have and got nowhere.

Thanks for your responses. I didn’t make my OP clear. When we ask for ad hoc help they are often too busy with the other grandkids to help out. And of course I’m jealous! It’s natural to feel that other GC are favoured. For many years I haven’t worked (I now work very part time) and there are often remarks from S and SIL about me being able to afford to stay at home, they would have to do the same without the childcare as the cost of childcare tips the balance. I love going to work, it makes me feel like the person i was and earning my own money feels fantastic. I guess I’m bitter about the fact that we have organised all our babysitting and work childcare ourselves, whereas they just expect GPs to do theirs. I wish they could see how lucky they are. As for the OHs, I have no idea why they can’t help with childcare, they are in less well paid jobs than the sisters and even when they’ve been out of work the GPs seem to be doing the school run... I totally totally get that GPs are able to decide what to do so it’s fine if they are just looking after one or two little ones which they enjoy, but when they grow up and they are tied to multiple school runs, homework and tween moodiness I’m starting to think when they offered to help it’s turned into far more than they first considered. Also when they offer to help the first Grandchild, they often forget that they can’t replicate the arrangement for all the siblings. They do end up with a different relationship with the GCs, they are far closer. When I’m a GP I will make it clear that I’d be happy to help a bit with the littlies but once they are at school they will need to make their own arrangements and make sure I can help all my kids equally to prevent resentment.

So, OP, you don’t believe in”grandparent care” and aren’t using it. Your sibling/sibling in law do believe I it and the grandparents are happy to provide it.... I’m not seeing the problem here. How can it be inequality if you don’t believe in using grandparents for childcare?

Xpost

When I’m a GP I will make it clear that I’d be happy to help a bit with the littlies but once they are at school they will need to make their own arrangements and make sure I can help all my kids equally to prevent resentment.

But you can’t know how things will turn out. My parents helped with my brothers children during school holidays, having them to stay for full weeks or going to stay. They didn’t have mine at all. Why? Because they were older when mine came along. I don’t feel any resentment for this.

I think it’s lovely, if it works (as in everyone’s on board no one takes the piss, over steps boundaries etc) I think it’s lovely for kids to be looked after by people who love them.

However, I do wonder what will happen when these kids grow up and have children, so few people will be able to “retire”.

soupdragon actually it sounds like the op does believe in grandparent care, but hasnt been able to access it, so is jealous.

Op you say you work very part time. I wonder if the reason the grandparents can't help with childcare is because you don't work to any regular schedule, so they can't plan accordingly. What about talking to them, and asking for one regular day a week of childcare?

And yes yabu on your original point. My parents love having my baby. I asked them if they would prefer for me to put her in a childminder an extra they but they said no. The usual reason grandparents have grandchildren is because they enjoy their company. If they are doing more childcare then they are happy with, then that is obviously unfair though.

I don’t think I’m being clear about my issue. All families are different and it’s absolutely fine for GPs to look after kids if they really want to. I believed in GP care before I saw the inequality it has created in the family . My issue is the inequality not the GP care, that’s totally up to the individuals. But I do think if you offer it to one child with a baby bump you need to consider what will happen when a) kids grow up and become harder work and b) whether you can offer the same support to everyone.

I think you need to decide if you're posting about the principal of the thing or the injustices you feel about your own personal circumstances. Conflating them is making this thread a bit rambling and maybe not so helpful to you.

If you have a problem with the set up within your own family and fear for your parents well being then that's entirely reasonable. Have you spoken up about it with your parents at all though?

When we ask for ad hoc help they are often too busy with the other grandkids to help out. And of course I’m jealous! It’s natural to feel that other GC are favoured.

I totally totally get that GPs are able to decide what to do so it’s fine if they are just looking after one or two little ones which they enjoy, but when they grow up and they are tied to multiple school runs, homework and tween moodiness I’m starting to think when they offered to help it’s turned into far more than they first considered.

These are both things which you could ask about.

Nearly every family i know seems to have an imbalance when it comes to what the GPs are doing for their siblings. Physically and financially to be honest. However - some of the seemingly 'hard done by' family members are happier on their own two feet.