Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

we can't give equal care but we care equally

I think the problem is it doesn't feel as if they "care equally" to the sibling without the "equal care". A good analogy is money left in a will - if one sibling is left less than another, they are likely to feel less loved/valued.

Natalia I put the blame in your scenario with the grandma who allows herself to be swamped.

Im 35 and my Mum isn't retired and probably wont be able to retire until she is nearly 70. I find that more of a problem tbh. The whole grandparent childcare thing is only an issue for a very small group of baby boomers who are well off and retired early. If they can help and want to help, great. If they don't, then you pay for childcare or don't work. Obviously favouritism of any kind is incredibly mean but it happens and sometimes some kids are just more work than others. I know grandparents who are nearly 80 still doing regular childcare of primary age kids, plus several grandparents of preschoolers who have significant mobility problems. But they clearly want to do it.

You just sound jealous and like my MIL.

My mum looks after my daughter a bit on the weekends and is ridiculously jealous of their relationship.

Op I do think it’s unfair that your parents are so caught up with regular care of your siblings’ children that they can’t even manage ad hoc time with yours (if I’ve read your update correctly!). It really sounds like your siblings no longer appreciate your parents but have an expectation. I’d speak to your parents and ask how they can spend more time with yours and how the current arrangements disadvantage your children and upset you. Expect some kickback from your siblings though. The parents’ support has probably bred a sense of entitlement and they don’t see why you should be considered in this scenario at all.

Cutietips the final sentence of your post hits the nail on the head

I do think the decision here lies with the grandparents (if the parents have asked them / are happy to have their kids with the gps). Surely no one can force their parents to do the childcare for them?

Setpeace But can't you see her dilemma? She offered, more than a decade ago, to help with her DD's son. She was thinking in the here and now. Her DD then had a second, so she looked after him. She still has them both in the holidays. Roll on however many years and her son asks if she will look after his baby while his wife goes back to work. Of course she feels obligated to do so. Is she supposed to say no to her son while she still regularly had her DD's kids after school and in the holidays? Wouldn't that look like egregious favouritism? I feel very sorry for her.

Your unreasonable to only blame your sister and SIL. Presumably the kids have fathers who also work and are benefiting from the free childcare?

Well Natalia I think people get older and more tired/or not. As I said I have my one gc but in 10 years I may not be able to.

This gran does need to stand up and be able to say I helped out for years, I am getting older and I can’t now do as much.

She sounds like she had raised selfish adults to be honest.

I'm a grandparent and will happily provide child care but I offer . If the children guilt them into looking after their grandchildren then that's a different issue. Also I don't really have a life outside the home but some active grandparents may. not want to be tied down

She sounds like she had raised selfish adults to be honest.

I wouldn't disagree with that! But I think she worries that if she doesn't, she hasn't treated her kids the same. Because it does have a big financial impact for them. Without meaning to sound awful, her DIL has a pretty basic job which I doubt would pay her enough to pay for childcare out of her net earnings. So the money she earns is fun money for the family, which they'd have to do without if the grandma didn't look after the kids. I think this preys on her mind a bit.

I looked after DGS four days a week until he started school then did before and after school care till he was 10. Tiring? Yes, but I loved it.
He now stays one night midweek and sometimes on a weekend night.

Angelsins - I totally agree with you and not blaming Sister and SIL. They are both unhelpful fathers, they are neither good providers or offering any domestic help. That also annoys me! The only ways families with two parents can function is by either both working part time or flexibly so they can share homelife or if one parent works part time or not at all. These dads compound the problem by not helping my sister or SIL and Just relying on the GPs to pick us the slack.

Natalia

Yes I do see her dilemma! Do you think the kids know how she actually feels? Some people are good st hiding their real feelings? If they do they are awfully selfish.

Honestly I think I would advise her to tell them her health isn’t as good as it was and they need to get a Cm etc.

At the end of the day childcare is the parents responsibility not the grandparents.

My daughter loves going to my Mums and vice Versa! It's once a week and isn't so I can work as I don't. It's to give me a break and them to have time together?

My mum and my MIL had my son, and then my second son, when I went back to work. They originally had DS1 for a day and half each. Then when he went to nursery, it went down to a day each.

When DS2 came along, they had each one separately a day each. So DM would have DS1 on a Wednesday and DS2 on a Thursday and MIL the other way around. This was because there is 3.5 year age gap and trying entertain them both at the same time was hard when I had a 4 year old and an 8 month old or whatever.

DS1 is now at school and DM collects him twice a week, has him for an hour or so until I collect him. I do the rest of the pick ups.

My brother also has a DS and my mum has him once a week too but the hours are such that there is no cross over, so she never has more than one boy at a time except for an hour on a Thursday when she has both my two after school which is fairly easy because DS1 is knackered and just lies on the sofa watching TV and eating biscuits!

DH's sister is never likely to have kids, so my MIL will never have any other GC than my two.

All the help we get was offered (demanded in my MIL's case - she hounded me for 5 months until I went back to work earlier than planned so she could have DS1 - but that's another story!) and never asked for. But it is very gratefully received! Should either set of grandparents ever feel that it it too much for them, alternate care will be found immediately, and they will just have the normal weekend visits or whatever works.

I think this stuff about grandparents looking after children hides the fact that many, many grandparents these days have very little to do with their grandchildren. I don't think they need any encouragement to 'enjoy their retirement'.
(The implication being that grandchildren are not enjoyable.)

Seasawride Yes - I think they do know, but neither side wants to give up the cushy deal/extra money. It doesn't help that her husband constantly bangs on about how privileged they are to see so much of the grandchildren (while doing virtually nothing to help out as he's on the golf course most days.....!)

I think it is up to the grandparents. My parents for example would be devastated if we chose nursery over them looking after the children. But I also know people who want to do other things with their retirement.

The DC are confused as to who is the actual parent especially when they get conflicting rules from two different sources

This is total rubbish. Firstly, in my 40yrs of looking after children as a 24/7 nanny, nursery officer, childminder and a whole load of other settings, I have not once come across a child who is confused about who it's parent is. And secondly children are very adaptable. They learn very early on what happens in one house doesn't happen in another and adapt accordingly.

Childcare is necessary. Mostly it's good. Parents treating family members differently is not so good and maybe op should speak up.

I think you should blame the inequality on the gp, not the sister and sil.
The gp are too busy for your kids but not for theirs. I’m in the same situation with my sister; my mother offers care for her dc on demand (days, nights, weekends) and when my dc visit (once every two years) she’s too exhausted to spend time with mine.
Oh well.

I don't think there's anything wrong with grandparents looking after dgc as long as they are happy with the situation.
Op I can understand your resentment though. We have q similar situation with my dh parents. For the last 12 years she has had dh siblings children 5 days a week (he has 3 siblings so has different dgc set days a week). As a sahm Mil doesn't have any of our 3 dc at all. I have no issues with Mil providing childcare for the other dgc but I am disgusted that Mil and dh siblings are so selfish and can't see that the childcare arrangements mean my dgc have no relationship with Mil. She has no spare time or energy left after all the childcare so never spends any time with my dc at all. Which I find really sad. My dd get upset when she sees photos of all cousins at Mil house and she's never included. I'm also fed up of hearing my Mil complain about how she wishes "she could just be granny and not childminder" and how worn out she is from it all. But then tells dh siblings that it's fine .

I think if grandparents are providing childcare they should be making an effort with all dgc to form a good relationship with them all.

I can see why you feel that you're not getting a fair deal OP, but I can't agree with your POV. I look after my 4 year old and 14 month old DGC, who are cousins, two or three days a week sometimes separately and sometimes together. I love being so closely involved in their lives and really look forward to it. I often offer to baby sit too. I know my DC really appreciate it and certainly don't expect it.

Sorry but just no!

"If you aren’t lucky enough to have GP it forces you to be a sahm which isn’t right for everyone."

It's a CHOICE to have DC - nobody "forced" you, you (meaning mother AND father) should be checking things like childcare costs BEFORE ttc.

I'm very much socialist and for support of people if circumstances change (as mine did), if they're vulnerable (eg DV) but in the ttc stage within a healthy relationship you (again both mum and dad) should be considering the immediate future in terms of what you the parents can actually manage. Not expecting others to help.

Ultimately we're lucky enough to live in a country where free contraception and even abortion are available, plus the option to for the child to be adopted. Accidents happen (I first fell pregnant myself aged 18 while on the pill) but we DO have choices.

I too disagree re "confusion" over who the parent is, also a nanny etc over many years. Utter nonsense.