Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

My mum would hate it, and we have discussed at length that she shouldn’t take time off to raise my children, she took almost 20 years of for all of us! She’s happy to provide weekend care and evenings and will always come over or have us for tea. she’s been back at work F/T since 2009, she’s at the top of her field has flown to a six figure salary from graduate entry level in less than ten years, and loves her job. She got into her profession when my youngest sibling started primary school and now she has one teen at home and the rest of us have flown the nest she’s having the time of her life.
My dad on the other hand has worked at mums level for thirty years and is now starting to wind down, and Has just traded his city role for 2 days a week in a garden centre and wouldn’t mind a consistent day or 2 a week with the GC.
And Mil hasn’t worked at all since she fell pregnant with DP nearly 40 years ago and would happily bring up all her grandchildren without any input from us.
She does sleepovers and knits and bakes and is a proper old granny (she’s not old she’s quite hip, but she’s got lots of time and is in her element granning, it’s her job!)

Different strokes for different folks 🤷‍♀️

Completely depends on the grandparents and the circumstances. My mum quit work a month before my maternity leave ended to look after my DD three days a week. She loves it but I also think she's very glad to be about to have 6 weeks off 😂 (I'm a teacher). Xx

My PIL (as i said above) do a major amount of child care for one of my DHs siblings. It's been going on for years. It's more than one child with largish age gaps. ie: planned kids, not unfortunate accidents to be coped with or anything. Not a young parent struggling with a slip up.

It is making MIL stressed. PIL have given up a holiday home because they never got to go there alone. One is 70 and the other is nearly there and they can't do what they want to during the week as they have to be back at 3pm ect. and babysit till 5 or 6. Then they accept the GCs again at the weekends for overnights!

I'd eat my own arm if it transpired that MIL has ever been honest with the needy DC about how stressful they find it doing so much for the GCs all the time. In fact i know she hasn't. She's told me in a one to one chat. We've had the talk. I didn't feel at all comfortable talking with her about how she can't say no to her own DC. All i could say was 'you need to learn to say no MIL!' and tried to keep it lighthearted. It was awkward. The other siblings don't ask or expect even a tiny fraction of this support. And yet we are all in the same boat.

Obviously some grandparents love it, or don't love it but genuinely want to help. I do dislike it when people take advantage of their elderly parents though. My brother is a bit like this. My mum doesn't like to say no to him and he just takes her for all he can get. Can't stand it.

I see where you are coming from on this OP and it is admirable not to want to impose. However I am thinking of my SIL who is so adamantly independent that she refuses to ask for help from anyone (and comes over as very controlling generally), and as a consequence my late mother felt very shut out from the children's lives. It was quite extreme in her case, and came over as unkind really. On the other hand you are right not to assume that they will give up their own time on a regular basis. It probably comes down to want the grandparents want by way of input.

I think it depends on the grandparents to be honest. If they want to do it fine but if not then they need to stand up and say no. I know my sister was paying for child care which she couldn't afford and when I realised I offered to have DN when she was at work. She had assumed that because I'm long term disabled I couldn't handle having him full time. I pointed out I have my own son full time who is younger and that looking after 1 more was no different. If the grandparents see it is OK then it's not your problem.

Gosh, my mum would quit work completely if she could - she loves having her grandson! Her eventual aim is to quit and have him when I go back to work provided she can make it happen financially.

My mum says she loves being a grandparent because she gets so much joy out of it, and she has far fewer worries than she did when my brother and I were babies.

Do you think maybe you're a little jealous that you're paying for childcare when they get it for free? Could you maybe ask your parents if they might want to work something out to look after your kids for a day or two while SIL or DSis pay for a day? After all, it'll be grandparents' decision at the end of it all. If they want to look after yourself then SIL and DSis will need to sort it.

It is all very well to say stand up and say no but, as some experiences above imply, the grandparents can get drawn into it unwittingly.

My sister is increasingly looking after one of her 4 grandchildren, on her own, for long days. She is desperate to have a good relationship with all her grandchildren and with her daughter in law (whose child it is) so is not willing to say or do anything which would compromise this. The original deal was half a day a week, long since gone by the board.

It annoys me intensely when I read oh but the grandparents love the grandchildren and want to do it - as if to imply grandparents who will not undertake hours of childcare do not love their grandchildren.

Please if you are using grandparents remember they are not getting any younger. They may indeed not be the best option (other than it saves you money) for looking after your children, especially as they get into the primary years & want/need to be active and out and about after school. A kid I used to give lifts to when DD1 was in her class was cared for regularly by grandparents. Basically she sat in front of TV every day after school and was fed loads of sweets so was the plumpest girl in the class. The grandparents clearly adored her - but they were not the best people to look after her. Eventually the mother remarried and went to live elsewhere; when I saw the girl again she had lost a significant amount of weight.

I don’t have grandchildren. My children are 32, 22 and 18. We have been having little chats for years that they’d like me to watch their children when they have them. Husband and I talk about when we will one day have grandchildren and how we can help out, it won’t be an imposition or unfair as it’s something we would like to do for our children and our grandchildren. It also used to be quite common to have multigenerations living together and helping one another.

I think it's up to the individuals involved.
My parents are still working full time and live over 4hrs away so not able to help. My in laws are both retired but have already said that they want to go travelling etc. now that they have the time (they have worked hard to be able to afford to do this).
I also think that nursery will be great for my dd - it's much more reliable I wouldn't want to be in a position where I had to rely on a relative for childcare - if they are sick and can't take your little one for example then you will likely have to take a day off work.

Surely it entirely depends on the situation?

My mum has had my DD for 2 days a week term time for a year. We talked about it in advance and agreed the terms. DD is her only grandchild, so still leaves her plenty of toddler free time (she actually comes round on other days too, at her choice and instigation so she can have a cup of tea and a chat). Next year she is doing one day a fortnight as she wanted to cut down but not stop all together.

I imagine the problem is all down to guilt, especially when there are lots of kids involved. SPEAK to your mum about it! Perhaps speak to your siblings too. Are you close enough together that you could have some sort of reciprocal arrangement between you?

My two young DGS exhaust me! Baby sitting and playing is fine but all day no thank you. Still love them to pieces though.

I know grandparents who think it's the best thing they've ever done to look after their grandchildren.

I also know a grandmother who likes an hour's visit at the weekend with the parents present. She loves her grandchildren but says she's done her bit raising their mother and has other calls on her time now.

Every family is different.

I use Nursery / childcare but school holidays are a struggle so the grandparents help out.

It's not their 'duty' but if they don't mind then why should you.

I know how difficult it is, so will be happy to happy to help with childcare with my grandchildren when / if we have any.

YANBU. Couple of days a week is fine. 5 days is too much.

Have you asked the gp to look after your children as well and have they refused? If not, then why not ask? I'm not sure why you think its unfair -- is it simply because you envy your sister and SIL for having free child care? If that's the issue, then I would respectfully suggest its none of your business.

My DH works shifts and I worked part time up until my youngest started secondary school. GPs provided childcare on the days we couldn’t cover because they genuinely wanted to - they have had so much fun together over the years and now have really great relationships with my DDs and they still choose to spend time together, even though my DDs no longer need looking after. It’s been a great arrangement all round and genuinely good for everyone. Interestingly, my MILs parents did the same for them when my DH and his brother were young. And my GGM looked after my DM and her sisters while my GM worked.

Haven’t RTFT. My mum has DD2 2 days per week, she offered when I went back to work. She also now has my brothers baby 1 day per week. He cries from the time he gets there until he gets collected but my mum says she can’t stand the thought of him crying all day at nursery. We’re a family, we look after one another. Not all families are the same though.

The envy in my family is the other way around!
SIL's Mum and Dad has her grandaughter all day 2 days a week and some ad hoc through the week as well. The other grandparents do no childcare, they would love to but SIL says no. They are lovely people and I know the grans heart is breaking as she only sees them occasionally and would love a closer relationship.

50% yabu and 50% you are not mil love to spend time with their dgd(5) and would have been upset not to look after her. They have had her since she was 2 on days when neither DH or I can due to work. I only work 3 days now and DH works earlies, lates and weekends we loose a lot of precious time (nursery at one time after school now) I would rather it be in laws telling me they have seen her walk/talk/ read her first book/draw her first picture etc etc the list goes on than a private child care/ nursery person (who may see it every day) tell me. My pil would be heartbroken if they couldn’t / weren’t asked to help out and they live 1hr away by bus ( which they take at least 2 times a week) If your parents enjoy it let them carry on. That said if pil say they want / need or are going on holiday we always sorr alternative child care to accomodate them. They need their time too.

Different strokes for different folks surely. My mum helps a great deal with childcare, not 5 days a week though. I don’t understand why people don’t have frank conversations with their families? I don’t expect my mum to do anything, she does it because she wants to. We communicate all the time and if there are problems we talk about them. Isn’t that what normal families do?

The thing is, it works both ways.

My parents looked after my children one or two days a week whilst I worked. Now, my parents are elderly and infirm, and my children are old enough to be left by themselves. But, guess what? They still religiously go to my parents one or two days a week, and now help them out - mow the lawn, cook the dinner etc. But mostly, they just enjoy each other's company as they always have done all their lives. Who needs who has changed, but the relationship was forged and it will always be there. Its not (or shouldn't be) a one-way street.

My grandparents provide our childcare. Have my younger son three days a week (he does two in nursery) and then do the pick up and drop off for my eldest.

My sister is currently pregnant and has asked my grandma to have her child after her mat leave. They have said no. My younger son starts school next September and they don’t want to look after any more children.

We ask consistently if they want to change our routine, we have the money for childcare. My grandma and grandad asked when I was pregnant with my eldest if they could watch him. When he went to school, they asked if they could have my youngest. They are 72 now, and both feel that next year they’ll be unable to carry on.

Their choice. I understand and will pay for before and after school club. My sister understands and doesn’t feel hard done by ether.

It depends how the grandparents feel. I’d never expect my mum and dad to have my kids all the time, but if they said they wanted them, I wouldn’t say no on the ground that it’d ruin their retirement. Also if after offering to have the kids they decided it was too much and they wanted their own time, i would sort alternatively child care. Speak to your parents and find out if they want to have the kids or not.

Totally up to the grandparents. I had planned to out my DD in childcare when I went back to work but my DM and MIL both asked if they could have her. My mum is retired so does two days and MIL does one. Childcare the other two days. They love it and get annoyed if I’m on holiday and they dont get to have her!