Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

When I had my first daughter my mum decided to retire so that she could take on care a few days a week whilst I worked. If she hadn’t she would have offered to pay nursery she said. My ex dh worked shifts over a 4 week later and they often got new shift patterns at short notice so it was easier to have her take on the care than nursery which wasn’t open at the right time and who wanted fixed days. When my second daughter came along my mum had declined in health a bit but still insisted she did a day but when I was working - temping work so as hoc. When I got back into permanent work she offered to top up the free 3 year old hours so she could do school pick drop off and pick up without a midday nursery pick up too.
Now they’re both at school and they’re 50:50 between me and their dad due to him not working the same days as me so he has them when I work, my mum has complained she’s missed having them but also knows she’d now struggle with her health. She does the odd sleep over if I want to go out as ex works weekends so he doesn’t have kids then. I also make sure I take them round at least once a week, with extra random drop ins too. My dad has health issues and has never looked after the kids and I take them to see him when I can. My ex’s parents love 150 miles away. They did look after their other grand children before they went to school, 1 day a week, by choice dropping days from work to do so.

I do see friends who take the p**s as their parents can’t say no and they really struggle with having their grandchildren daily some weeks

All these examples of happy arrangements which is not the issue, surely GPs should feel it’s only fair to help with other GC not just the first. Even if older you’d think they’d want to form a bond with new DGCs, they could do one day instead of 2or3. Most posters seem to be the oldest child who did get help with childcare.

We love looking after our grandson he brings us a great sense of being with his antics. He has started nursery now and we miss him so, so on days off nursery we demand he comes to ours. My daughter has just had our second grandchild and we will offer the same again when she goes back to work we love it

It was my parents who wanted to provide care for my children, I didn't expect it and if in years to come, I can do the same for my grandchildren, I would love it so yabu.

It may be easier for grand parents to care for first children. My mum looked after my eldest two when young and still provide after school care but they don't need much looking after when there now, however I also have a baby and wouldn't expect or allow them to start again with her as their health is not the same as it was when my eldest where babies.

twice as nice 22, you are right . I have grandchildren in double numbers. When the first ones arrived I offered to help and did so for 5 years. It was hard work and I did not feel able to suggest I gave it up. As more and more children arrived and I am much older I do not feel able to take on the big commitment and do one-off, emergency etc. At times that feels a bit too much. Inevitably the late breeders got less help. It is a difficult situation and depends very much on the relationships with the parents, energy of the grandparents, nature and energy of the children and the financial needs of the children and the lifestyle of the grandparents. There can often be a price for free childcare, eg differing parenting styles. It works differently in every family. I love my grandchildren but also want a bit of life without child rearing. Caring parents are sensitive and watchful about whether it is getting too much. Uncaring parents just expect. Jealousy can be difficult to avoid.

I agree there is a bit of a muddle here abut what the issue really is -

feelings of being overlooked/unfairly treated in comparison to siblings
OR
Concern that GPS may have taken on a responsibility which may have turned into a long-term burden

The first issue - you need to talk about with GPs! Simple
The second issue is more complicated and as many PPs have said lots of GPs are keen to help which is lovely. However, I do wonder if there is a general expectation that GPs will provide free and extensive childcare.
Personally, I have worked damned hard all my life, brought up 2 DCs with virtually no help from GPs (I can count on the fingers of one hand the times my DM babysat but she was running a business and bringing up 6 kids as a SP after my DF died at age 46 so I didn't expect help!) GPs on DH's side lived at a distance.
When I retire, I am keen to see my GCs more and more than happy to babysit/provide help on occasions but I do not want any expectation of free, regular childcare or resentment on not offering this. I will deserve my retirement!

I think it is up to the grandparents involved every time. I am a grandparent carer and two of my gs's live with me placed through the courts. This was because ss wanted me to have PR so I had to have what was at the time a residence order. They are now teenagers which brings its own challenges.

Yes, I sometimes wistfully think of what my life would have been like had I not had to bring up two families, one after the other. At worst its like groundhog day when the alarm goes and off I go on the never-ending school run. But they are my boys, or rather my grandsons. I dont think I am their mum. I wouldn't change my life.

But, and its a bit but. There are now more grandchildren in the family and I feel myself being a bit arms' length. Before I am criticised, I had my gs3 last weekend for the full weekend while my dd went away. She did tell me she would pick him up Sunday morning, but I obviously had it wrong and it was the following Sunday! I had to chase her up and he went home at teatime.

I worry more about having an extra child, but then felt guilty because he was simply no trouble at all.

I absolutely do not want to provide childcare for my dd2 though. This is so very unfair on her I know but I honestly feel I have had enough. I am 56 and tbh, that's me done. Just a grandparents perspective.

According to this study, your kids are better off in the nursery anyway.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/education/2009/feb/10/grandparents-childcare-pre-school

My PIL offered to look after dd when I went back to work but to be honest we felt she’d be better off in nursery.

She’s a very reserved little girl and we wanted her to be used to being around other children. At nursery they do lots of great craft activities and things like sing and sign, French for babies and baby yoga which she really loves and she gets a great balanced diet of freshly prepared food. Yes if she was with her grandparents she would have had lots of love and attention but she would have just been sitting in their living room playing with toys and eating baby food from a jar and not much else. She has a great bond with her key worker and the other carers at the nursery.

It does cost a lot to send her to nursery, it’s about £8k a year once tax credits are taken into account but in our case it’s worth it to give her the best start.

I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for my parents and mil. My mam will be going part time at work from September and can't wait to spend more time with my dd and is talking about taking her on short breaks etc. I love the relationship they have, as long as everyone involved is happy I don't see an issue

We live 5 hours from my parents so they can't help on a daily basis, but they visit every chance they get and take my boys on holidays. My MIL was working when I had my twins and couldn't help she said. They've been in nursery 3 days a week since they were 9 mths. They're now in school and my youngest is in nursery 3 days. It's super expensive but we have to suck it up. My SIL has a 4yr old and a 1yr old and my MIL has watched the oldest since he was born and has now agreed to watch them both 2 days a week. It's not the cost of childcare (that my SIL doesn't get) that irritates me it's the loss of relationship for my boys. MIL used to be here any opportunity she's now at my SILs most days (nearly 2 hours away) or she's with her pals living her life. She should absolutely be living her life but the time left for my boys is very quickly decreasing. I'm sad for them particularly when a move nearer to my parents was on the cards and she was hysterical that she'd be devastated if we moved. Can't win.

Neither me or DH have parents to help out, and it's very very hard.

When our kids have grown up, we will do whatever we can to help look after their own children (if they want us to) because life is very very tough, and we want to help make it easier.

It sounds like most people have missed the point of the OPs post.

We have the same situation as you OP.
My ILs never have time for my children as they are always looking after nieces and newphews.

Their answer is - ‘we can look after them all’. I don’t agree as 7 children under 5 is too much for anyone. So we never use them for childcare help.

Yes it’s annoying but we just get on with it x

I think in the long run it is much less stressful to sort out your own childcare. That way the grandparents can help out but are not relied upon.

It’s all well and good until they get run down and can’t do it anymore and you have no back up plan.

Our friend relied so heavily on her mum. She thought her mum loved it. Her mum was looking worse and worse and ended up very ill. Instead of being concerned they actually felt very let down because they had made no other plans for childcare and felt the lifestyle they had been offered (working full time and still having lots of free time) was now being taken away from them. In reality they couldn’t see how draining it was (even though it was very clear to everyone else). The grandmother carried on for so long because she felt guilty and ultimately the parents just couldn’t see what a strain it was putting on her so made no adjustments.

My father's jumps at every opportunity to take care of his children. My MIL regularly fuck of overseas without so much ad a backwards glance. I wouldn't ask her to do it because I wouldn't want her to feel pressured to doing something she clearly diesnt want to. I wouldn't ask my father because it would be completely unnecessary, he just turns up first thing in the morning when he knows we are free. When he stays with us he instructs the children to wake him up first. Many grandparents love taking care if their grandchildren. That is how they enjoy their retirement. Nothing wrong with that. Obviously when you have the kinds of grandparents who don't like taking care of grandchildren it's not fair to pressure them into doing it.

I personally think it’s up to the grandparents.

That said, both my kids (19/16) have been told not to expect me to offer childcare when they have kids, so they can work. I’m 45 and will be working for the next 22 years and even though I work term-time, my holidays are my holidays.

I think its down to the grandparents and the parents to discuss but it definitely shouldnt be assumed that grandparents will provide free childcare.

A woman i know has her MIL look after her two boys mon-fri for free while she and her husband are working. She then got into a heated argument when MIL didn’t want to look after them for a weekend too as she already had two other grandchildren visiting (who she didnt see often) and wanted to give them her full attention. I thought that was really out of order for the woman to expect her children to be priority when they already get so much.

Yes and no. It really depends on the grandparents, my in laws look after my lo but they love it. They had to work when their own children were small so they see it as a second chance. If I thought for a second they weren't happy about it then I'd have found paid childcare but they just love it. They go on holiday and come back saying they'll never go again because they missed lo so much. I can't imagine being like that myself but you never know. I personally want to just flake out and enjoy retirement child free but some people genuinely don't. I think as long as it's their choice and they want to then it's fine but I do know some grandparents who have been pressured into childcare which I don't agree with.

Sorry, nrtft. Surely it's up to the GPS if they offer to help with childcare? Also, why would you work if the childcare costs are more than your wages?

@Icanttakemuchmore my work colleague has a primary school aged child. She currently works ten hours a week with us which is term time work. Her partner upped and left her. The benefits office have told her she needs to find a job with at least 20 hours a week and that they would give her financial help with childcare. When she explained that at ten hours a week her job meant she didn't need and didn't want childcare because she could care for him herself, she just needed help until payments from her ex and universal credit was sorted, they told her no, that she had to get a job with twenty hours a week.

Where's the logic in that?