Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

I understand your issue OP because it is exactly what happened to me. My mother was so involved in my sister's DCs she had no time for mine. She was their full-time nanny. It caused a permanent rift.

I am lucky, only one dc lives near enough for me to help out, which I have done with great joy for 11 years now (2 boys currently 9&11).
The Other dgc we have had to stay or have gone to them if parents have been away. It isn’t always possible to do equal care but we certainly care equally.

I love my grandsons utterly, but I didn't choose to have them. I've brought up five kids of my own and work two jobs, so I consider my downtime to be mine. I live alone and love it - this is my payback for 27 years of having my own children living with me and have no desire to start playing mummies again with my children's children.

I happily visit and play with them and cuddle them, but I'm not going to be bringing them up while their parents' work. I think it's entirely up to the grandparents in question as to how they want to spend their time, and shouldn't be 'expected', just because they are grandparents.

(My kids know my views and have never expected me to do childcare)

My mum looks after my DS three days a week and wouldn't hear of my putting him in nursery. She told me if I did she would collect him and take him back out. I'm a teacher so she has him normally 6 weeks then a break. She loves it and even when I go on maternity leave soon for next one, she has insisted on wanting my DS at least once a week. I am very grateful and my DS loves her so much ❤ I've offered money but she's refused so I buy weekly gifts 😊

Our family is exactly the same.

On paper (impressive well paid job) one of my DHs siblings seems best placed to be totally independent of their parents. However mid 40s they are now totally dependent on them financially and physically. Getting worse actually. Bad life choices. The ILs are getting old and frail. It's not fair on them.

The other siblings (DH included) are getting on with their lives without any such help from their parents. We don't want the help. We also don't want ructions with the needy sibling. The ILs have decided how to handle it - they're mentally able to make this choice. They're super intelligent people who are trying to help their daft DC. Sometimes MIL confides in me. She can't say no she says 'what can i do?'. All we can do is watch, try to support PILs mentally and make sure they don't literally become ill with it.

There's zero jealousy. It's pity and worry tbh.

multiple school runs, homework and tween moodiness

I should add PILs are at this exact stage now.

Have opinions on your own family setup, not on anyone else's.

My Dad looks after DS (3) 2 days per week - this is something he loves to do and DS loves Grandad days. My dad is a young 70. DS goes to nursery 2 days and i am off on one of the days. However, we are planning to TTC and i would expect dad to look after any potential new baby as he is getting older and i am conscious he would find it tough. So we would look at possibly getting a childminder if i returned to work. This is all hypothetical.

I suppose what I am saying is that if the GP as physically able, and willing to, then why shouldnt they offer care for DCs? I wouldnt ask my dad to have DS every day but some GPs would be more than happy to.

If they were EXPECTED to it would be different.

I think the arrangements are very much related to individual family circumstances. OP you need a clear conversation with your family about the impact of all arrangements.

In my case, reflecting after the event I wish my DS had gone to nursery.

My DM chose early retirement to look after my first DS. My OH worked shifts so the arrangement wasn't full time. We paid her full child minding rates. This actually soured the GP relationship/role. My parents didn't want to spend anytime outside of the 'paid' time feeling they had given enough. We lost out on collective family time, trips out as an extended family, babysitting, parties and a joint freedom in the relationship which was overtaken by a 'business' arrangement. We felt we couldn't ask for any extra time together, they didn't offer.

My parents would have dd every single day if they could. I hired a nanny to stop them!
I thought they could do with a break but I didn’t want to give up my career. They also didn’t want me to give up my career. Family often does things for others out of love whether or not it’s right for them. I don’t honk it’s wrong.
What I do think is wrong is no help at all from the government re childcare. Ok they throw around this idea of a few hours a week. When I went back to work when dd was 6 months there was nothing but eye wateringly expensive childcare options. If you aren’t lucky enough to have GP it forces you to be a sahm which isn’t right for everyone.

Op why haven't you spoken to them?
It might be that they simply haven't realised the impact this is having on you and their relationship with your children.

No one here can help you, you need to talk to them.

I understand op that sounds tough. I think you need to perhaps chat to them about your feelings.

I have my dgs 2 days a week and love it but I really couldn’t do any more. It’s physically hard work and after raising 6 of my own kids I think I do deserve some me time.

I may not be able to equally help out childcare fir the younger ones as I might be older then and less fit but we would always help if we could and also financially.

Up thread a poster made a lovely comment I think along the lines of ‘we can’t give equal care but we care equally’

Grandparents shouldn’t be expected to help out but it’s nice if they can and it suits all parties.

The odd day or weekend of babysitting here and there is one thing, and an incredible blessing if you have parents ready and willing to do that, but I do agree that regular childcare to facilitate mum or dad going back to work is a huge responsibility and not a short-term thing. If grandparents start doing it for the first grandchild, it's not fair to say no to subsequent grandchildren. I wonder how many grandparents realise this too late, like the lady in @Bowerbird5's post, and can't then find a way to extricate themselves. It's all about setting boundaries that are fair to everyone.

I dislike this idea that gp are burdened with gc care. It's their choice and it's a privalige to have gc and gives them something to do. The ones that don't want to do it don't.

Op I would say... Dear dp. You spend a lot of time doing childcare for the others, I'm worried my dc won't be as close, can you do some special days out with them instead or at least be aware of the difference... Thanks. They probably have not noticed m

I think you make a good point pirateWeasel but you offer to help with the first grandchild and you can’t know if/when you are having any more.

See we have 6 kids the younger ones teens and the oldest 29. So we help with childcare for the oldest ones child. None of my other kids are married and my younger dds now 19 are not maternal in the slightest. They could have kids in their 30s and at that rate I probably won’t be able to help out like I do for the oldest one so it’s not always practical to do for one child what you do with another.

But I can quite see the ops point.

I came onto this thread thinking this was going to be a thread about care of grandparents - stairlifts, domicillary care and mobility scooters galore!

What a woefully cliche view of grandparents.

What seasawride said. My five kids have only seven years between them. If they "all" decided to have children at the same time - how would I possibly choose who to help? They all (bar one who lives in Oz) live geographically close enough to be able to expect me to help, what would I do? Help the one who had twins but not the one who was a single mother? Or spend my entire days off dashing around the county with a car full of someone else's children, trying to do the right thing? And how would that make the Oz dweller feel if she had children?

Better to just say 'emergencies only' to all of them, and keep it fair.

It's totally up to them what they want to do with their retirement. My grandparents had me full time every day from when I was 3 months until I started school and then they did the school run after school and had me til about 6pm every day until I was about 10. They also had me for the occasional overnight and some weekends when my mum was traveling for work (my dad was useless and never had me on his own). They loved it. My mum could have afforded childcare, but everyone was happier with this arrangement.

Our dc have always gone to nursery as we don't have any grandparents nearby and even if we did, I'd be more comfortable with them in nursery than with grandparents full time, but I know at least my mum would love to have them for a day or two a week if she could (she can't, she lives abroad). If they aren't happy with that arrangement, then they need to speak up.

'I get a full-on meltdown with floods of tears, insults to my mental health, accusations that I'm a cruel and selfish mother who shouldn't have had kids and masses of self-pity about the fact that I'm trying to take her grandchild away from her when she "might be dead soon"'

Blimey

And you leave your dc in her care

I’m a grandmother so think I’m probably in a good position to answer this.

I used to look after two of my grandchildren, I loved it and when they (and their parents) moved 100 miles away and I was no longer babysitting I missed them something awful.

Eldest daughter has three children including twins, I’ve had them for 2/3s of the summer holidays since they started school to help out their mum . I love it. I’ve already booked them in to come here for the first week of the summer holidays.

I’m my own person, if I didn’t want to have them here, I’m more than capably of saying so!
It sounds like you resent someone else getting free childcare because you have to pay.
Your parents or in laws don’t need you as their mouthpiece. They are capable.

My DDad provides after school care for my children 3 days per week. He offered, I didn't expect anything. My grandparents weren't really around when I was young, and he was adamant that he wanted to be in my DC's lives, he describes it as getting to knock around with his mates after school 50 odd years later

It’s fine if the GP want to look after them. Although if they’re doing five days a week when do they have time to themselves?

It’s not fine when there is an expectation or are pressured in to it. I wonder how many feel like they can’t say no.

We use nursery anyway, as it’s reliable and doesn’t get sick or have last minute holidays. Means GP do emergency or fun babysitting, which works fine.

But I can imagine lots of situations where they might have started looking after one gc, then more and more gc come along, and then siblings might get upset if the care is not equal. And then it becomes expected, rather than seen as a massive favour.

I know someone in this situation. It's awful. The summer holidays are a bloody nightmare for her because she's left with a horde of kids of different ages and she never gets any free time. I suggested her DD and DIL (who both work part time; their DHs work full time) have all the kids as a favour to each other on their days off to give her a bit of a break. "Oh no, they wouldn't do that" she said. Incredible lack of thought and selfishness. Poor lady is bloody exhausted after 10+ years of near on full time childcare.

My mum has looked after my DS since he was 5 months old. Even when I worked night shifts and weekends and now Mon-Fri. The same as her mum looked after us if she needed to work. I always and have always said if my mum wants to do something or needs to do something then she does it and tells me and I'll sort childcare out as he is my responsibility.

I hope that I'll be fit enough/well enough (older mum so might well be too crumbly) to help my DS out if he has children. Thankfully I grew up in a family where its normal for grandparents to want to spend time with their grandkids and help out their families.