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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent care 🙄

196 replies

Womblemom · 11/07/2018 23:42

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 12/07/2018 04:37

It's up to your parents. My own mother had lots of childcare off her mother, it was the only way she was able to work. My grandmother had help from her own mother.

It shouldn't be a given, but I don't really see that it's wrong if parents are OK helping, it's not as though they were all left on their own to get on with it without assistance.

It isn't really up to you to say your parents shouldn't provide assistance if they are happy to. Many parents want the best for their children and provide support long after their children have left home. I certainly expect to with mine, though I don't know that it will necessarily be in the form of childcare.

Emma198 · 12/07/2018 05:07

YABU. My parents look after my niece three days a week. My sister is a teacher and mum and dad hate the holidays when they don't see her as much.

I can see why you're bitter at your personal situation but my parents can't be the only ones who adore looking after their grandchildren.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2018 05:18

You sound very jealous. Did you parents choose this arrangement? Do your parents enjoy it? Are they fit and able? Why don’t they look after your children?

MarthasGinYard · 12/07/2018 05:22

Yanbu

When I had dd I said to my parents you can have her whenever you like but for pleasure not because you have to. They have never been factored in with childcare. The Very odd occasion about 3 times in 8 years and we've been stuck they've offered.

I have an older brother and I witnessed them being used for years. It became a chore for them. He's still as selfish now in other ways though.

I cringe reading how entitled some posters are on childcare threads.

I also believe that no grandparent wants to actually be tied down to permanent regular childcare even if they pretend they do.

AngelsOnHigh · 12/07/2018 05:33

Totally agree MarthasGinYard. My best friend has her 2 DCS's five days a week and also at weekends when the parents want to go out.

One or two days a week fine but everyday?

I think it's a cop out to say Öh but the grandparents get upset if they can't have them"

One or two days a weeks is enough for grandparents to be looking after grandchildren.

My friend who looks after her 2 grandsons 5 days a week looks worn out. The DC are confused as to who is the actual parent especially when they get conflicting rules from two different sources.

I can't believe that adults choose to have children only to then leave it to the previous generation to parent them.

Floradoranora · 12/07/2018 05:37

Op, YABU. my grandchildren are a huge part of my life and I spend a lot of time with them. My children know I’m always to hand and happy to do whatever they need by way of help. I’m the person best suited to look after the children after them. They say it and so do I. Their siblings and their spouses siblings come next. They support each other.

That said the fact I’m doing something with with one or more of my grandchildren every day doesn’t prevent me from having a full and varied life. But the fact is there’s nothing I like more in life than doing what I do with my grandchildren and children.

Flashinggreen · 12/07/2018 05:53

This happens in DH’s family and as he’s one of 5 there are now 7 grandchildren to in 4 families. 2 live close and 2 far away. We have had the least help (we are 2 ish hrs away) and MIL is always trying to do more for us. But one of my SILs who is close takes the absolute piss, even though the child goes to Pre school my MIL takes him there, and picks him up, organises holiday club, used to do his packed lunch, baths him at the end of the day even when his mother’s around to take him home etc. And even though the days she has him she doesn’t have him all day she’s tied to do the school run.

I know she loves all her grandchildren and would do anything for them but at over 70 she needs some time to have fun with newly retired FIL. She would never say no and is resigned to the fact that that’s what her generation are now doing, all her friends do the grandparent care.

We paid for 3 days nursery for our 2 until school from 6 months, SIL has saved masses by using her DM. DC 2 is due any day now and I’m wondering if she is actually going to use a nursery for them as discussed or MIL will get them until old enough for preschool as happened with DC1.

If they really want to do it, fine, but they’ve worked hard all their lives and need some time for themselves.

shakeyourcaboose · 12/07/2018 06:10

My parents also state the 'we've done our bit raising you' and constantly voice they are not there to provide childcare (to me and my DC that is not GC sibling who gets weeks at a time...) and they want to live it up on retirement. Absolutely
Understand that's their choice. However they also will have to understand that this detached way of living will continue and they cannot expect lots of input and support in later years. And yes l do know this sounds truculent!

AStatelyPleasureDome · 12/07/2018 06:20

I don't have any GC yet but I must admit I wouldn't want to be tied to regular childcare if I did, as DH and I like to travel a lot etc. I would always help out if needed though.

It's clear from some of the posts here though that many GP are happy to take on regular care, so I guess it's up to the individuals to decide, as long as they are not being guilt tripped into it.

However, you would not be unreasonable to find the current arrangements unfair, as GP should not favour one DC over others. I assume the other DGC are older so your DP already had their hands full when yours came along?

Could you have a word with your family about it, rather than bottling it up. They may not realise how upset you are by the situation.

Shumpalumpa · 12/07/2018 06:24

shakeyourcaboose not truculent at all. You reap what you sow.

AJPTaylor · 12/07/2018 06:25

nobody likes a martyr.
are you unable to access free childcare because your sister got in first?

Kannet · 12/07/2018 06:27

I think it blurs the lines and makes it hard for parents to put their foot down over things they don't agree with, too much sugar: screen time. Also some I know grandparents who are exhausted by it but feel too guilty to stop.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 12/07/2018 06:28

@ shakey - so it's not enough that your DP have brought you up, they should be expected to bring up your DC too, at no cost, rather than 'living it up', as you put it? Otherwise, your DP should expect no love or support from you when they become older and infirm, and presumably less capable of enjoying themselves. Charming.

TBH, I hope your DP are spending the kids' inheritance on good holidays and living it up whilst they still can, and keeping the rest for a decent care home, as it sounds like they will need it.

springmachine · 12/07/2018 06:33

We have grandparents look after our child a few days a week.

I could have used a nursery.
I went to visit nurseries and even had a place.

Grandparents insisted.

It's only for such a short space of time in the grand scheme of things.

Siblings are stag at hone parents so grandparents don't get much one to one with theirs.

Sibling sometimes feels hard done by but it was their choice.
I wish I could afford to be stay at home sometimes too.

It's all a balance

Shumpalumpa · 12/07/2018 06:36

@AStatelyPleasureDome

I think Shakeys's feelings stem from the injustice of her parents providing lots of childcare for their golden/favourite child (her sister), but provide no support to her.

Of course she is not going to want to provide he same support to her parents when they need it. Can you really not understand why she may feel that way?

Flashinggreen · 12/07/2018 06:43

@Kannet I agree, I know my MIL doesn’t like having to discipline her DC and has to a lot with the one she looks after a lot as he is ‘challenging’. She wants to be fun Granny as she is with my boys.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 12/07/2018 06:49

I think a lot of grandparents are guilted into it.
1 or 2 days a week would be reasonable, but it's a piss take expecting them to do 5 days a week.

If my DC had a baby I would love to offer a day or 2, but as I work full time this is not going to happen.

If financially I could afford to drop a day to help out then I would.

SharronNeedles · 12/07/2018 06:54

I'm afraid, in your OP, your opinion really doesn't matter

strawberrisc · 12/07/2018 06:54

Don’t get me started on tnis one!

shakeyourcaboose · 12/07/2018 06:54

Thanks @shumpalumpa- said exactly what l mean! @astatelypleasuredome where did l say l wanted my parents to 'bring my DC up'? The thread is about childcare- not child permanently living with GP. My issue is my parents will happily go to my GC sibling for weeks at a time to provide childcare, but will not offer a couple of hours to me as my job is not as 'important' as theirs. But this is not my thread to whine on!

TigerTooth · 12/07/2018 06:58

You sound jealous to me.
My lovely mother had 4 of my children from 6 months until they started nursery part time and then school. She absolutely loved it and I wouldn't have wanted my children anywhere else, they were so loved and treated her just like a second mummy. They still have a beautiful bond with Grandma - she's 86 now and she fully enjoyed every moment of her grandchildren and the joint care was perfect for us.
My eldest is 22 now and he recently carried Grandma up the same steps to our house (She's had a knee replacement) that she used to carry him up - it's a lovely thing.

I've got 6 children now from 8 to 22 and I'm really looking forward to helping out with my grandchildren when the time comes.

NerrSnerr · 12/07/2018 06:59

I think a lot of grandparents agree to childcare when they have a cute one year old grandchild but then regret it a decade later when they're on grandchild number 4 and they're running about after everyone. I also think a lot of people take the piss with free childcare I am also feeling bitter as we have no grandparents willing to help us and we're juggling work with poorly children again

kaytee87 · 12/07/2018 07:00

I think it's entirely up to the grandparents.

lifeisabeachsometimes · 12/07/2018 07:00

I would talk to your parents and tell them how you feel, maybe they don't realise how resentful this is making you feel.

If you live close by why aren't they looking after your dc as well?

Grandparents have a duty also not to cause massive family tensions by being unfair.

henpeckedinchief · 12/07/2018 07:02

I don't have kids yet and all I get from both my mother and MIL is chat about how when I have a baby they will both retire so they can provide child care. They would both be really hurt and upset if I paid for childcare instead of having them help. So I think it really depends on the grandparents in question and how willing they are to assist.

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