Grandparent care 🙄

[Womblemom]

AIBU to think that Grandparents should enjoy their retirement and not have to look after grandchildren whilst Parents work? AIBU that both my sister and SIL use free grandparent care to work five days a week? I pay for childcare when I work which costs more than my wages. Can’t they see how unfair this is and how much they impact in their parents’ retirement? Does anyone else have this in inequality in their family and how do you cope with it?

I think it depends on the grandparents and if they're happy to do it. I go back to work full time in January and my mum who's 72 will have my little boy for 1 day a week and he'll bingo nursery the other 4 days. We can afford to send him to nursery full time but my mum really wants to look after him for a day. I'm fine with it as long as she is if he gets too much for her then we'll make other arrangements. She looked after both my nephews full time for my sister but I wouldn't expect her to do it for me at 72.

I think it’s lovely for grandparents to help out. I struggle a little when I know parents are totally reliant on grandparents for childcare and there is no other back up.

Ie what do you do if they need a week off because they a knackered/are invited to do something nice.

So I think as a backup/less structured arrangement it’s great. Obviously it really depends on everyone’s personal circumstances.

I am a SAHP who work me very flexiably when/if I can get help. But if not I just don’t work. I’m in a very fortunate position to do this.

When I was working in a more structured way I used help from grandparents but didn’t rely on them 100% to enable me to work. That seems unfair to me.

It is a choice to have children but you make that choice based on the natural assumption that the grandparents might want to see their grandchildren, particularly if this was your experience as a child.

It comes as a shock to find that the grandparents want nothing to do with the grandchild, and then it's too late. You see it all the time on MN.

I wouldn’t assume the grandparent would be doing my childcare though. That seems a bit niave, unless you have discussed this in advance.

I wouldn't assume they would do 5 days a week childcare (even though my grandparents did). Even 5 minutes would be nice.

The last thing I'll be doing in my retirement is providing regular childcare. I'll offer to always help out in emergencies and maybe a week in the summer holidays, or for a night out. But not all-day childcare several days a week.

Tbh you hear the same cliches trotted out often:

my parents love to have all of my children 9-5 every day.

They'd be horrified if we didn't let them mind them.

They offered; no they insisted.

They're so thrilled they get to see their dgc every day.

I offered money and they refused and insisted they do it for free.

They know that I'd be happy to find an alternative if they want me to.

People are kidding themselves. I know several grandparents who provide childcare. Yes they love their dgc and dc. Yes they want to help. But as years pass and more dc often arrive, they find themselves stuck, obligated, not wanting to offend or upset their dc...unable to stop arrangements that have been in place months or years when they know the financial impact on their dc would be huge...that the care is 100% relied upon or their dc will suffer.

I have never, ever, experienced anyone who has free childcare from family but also saves the amount they would have had to spend in cc. They often can't, because they need it. Which makes the family childcare necessary to them, and eventually, expected.

In most cases it's hugely selfish of people imo.

It wouldn't be for me on a regular basis. I'd rather pay for childcare (and did as nobody seemed to want to look after ours, or ever overnight), and not be beholden to ageing parents.

I really don't think some of you realise how much more tired you get when you reach 70. I'm fairly fit but I couldn't have my grandchildren every day, I would be exhausted. Luckily I was late 50s when my first grandchild came along and had them 2 days a week, I didn't have to have the subsequent child as childcare was taken care of. I quite often see really quite elderly grandparents pushing prams and to be honest they look shattered. We did our bit bringing our own up, I think this is quite a selfish generation, quite often grandparents are frightened to say no.

Nobody should assume anything. Your child your responsibility.

It's irresponsible to have DC under the assumption that GP will provide ANY care.

Not only are you being entitled in that assumption, you're not accounting for the reality of ageing and increasing tiredness, illness etc.

Looking after young children (hell even older ones) is incredibly taxing.

It's particularly arrogant to make that assumption with your first DC - when you don't even know what it's like looking after children long term.

I probably wouldn't take them up on more than one day a week. My mother has funny ideas about children. She claims I am making DD's autism up for instance, refused to let my brother have speech therapy when he desperately needed.
But they won't. My dad would. She refuses even a few hours when I am absolutely desperate. Or she accepts and goes back on it or holds it against me for months.

YANBU OP, 5 days child care at pushing 70 is a bit much. I'd always try to use a childcare method which is 'up to date' with methods of learning/discipline too given that causes many arguments.

It is also up to the family too and an acceptance that things need to change if it gets too much. One day a week. Or even one evening a quarter would be a blessing here.

'Tbh you hear the same cliches trotted out often:

my parents love to have all of my children 9-5 every day.

They'd be horrified if we didn't let them mind them.

They offered; no they insisted.

They're so thrilled they get to see their dgc every day.

I offered money and they refused and insisted they do it for free.

They know that I'd be happy to find an alternative if they want me to.'

Spot on

Agree Fat sally-it’s often the assumption that grandparents will do it so alternatives aren’t even considered. I see many GPs doing very long days looking exhausted which seems to take a lot of the enjoyment of GC away. I do believe my own mother is guilt tripped into this scenario & wary of creating a huge rift if she were to cut back on the ‘arrangement’. I agree it’s her decision to make though but also know due to her upbringing she will never put her needs 1st & is to an extent being taking advantage of as a result.

This expectation that grandparents should commit to providing 1 or more days of free childcare seems to be a UK thing. In 25 years in the US i have never known even one family to do this. The odd night or weekend, yes, but regularly scheduled weekly daycare no. American retirees tend to have full lives.

Well, people next door have a baby taking up permanent residency in their home, along with the father and the mother of the kid is in there as well all there for accommodation. (IMO awful to put on your parents, like a bloody breeding ground, should have their own place even if just renting.)

Also, one of their daughters has 2 very rambunctious children, a son and daughter of which she has over there almost everyday, got changes of clothes for them, bikes you name it all stored at the grandparents house, heard she once showed up with kids looking for food whilst mother was ill, realized she was too ill to cook anything and just left her mother as is with nothing and took off with the children, a piss take.

Another instance being my brother left his at the kids other grandparents throughout the working week just as the norm, would pick them up in the evening, just free childcare.. i think it's totally unacceptable and unfair.

I feel very sorry for them as well as any grandparent's that have to have little one's over almost everyday, they should be enjoying their retirement and rest after growing up with kids of their own, absolutely!

They don't need a round 2... an occasional visit at weekends/whenever they see fit is how it should be along with the actual parents taking charge and policing their own, not putting it on the grandparents.

I think it depends.

Some grandparents enjoy it - mine genuinely enjoy spending time with them and they can teach them things I can't (eg my mum is a talented musician and does little music lessons with them). I genuinely think that feeling needed and valued keeps them young at heart, and I hope will add years to their life.

I wish my dc had cousins but they gave the advantage of being the only grandchildren my parents will have so they are not spread between multiple sets of gc.

But grandparents I think can feel put upon, eg those who do school pick up every single day which means they can't do any day trips anywhere as they've always got to be at the school gates by 3pm etc.

This expectation that grandparents should commit to providing 1 or more days of free childcare seems to be a UK thing. In 25 years in the US i have never known even one family to do this.

Firstly, I don't believe it's an "expectation" in the UK. I believe it's something people commonly do, and usually (not always, but almost all the time) is a willing choice by all parties.

Secondly, just because something isn't done in the US doesn't mean it's a UK thing. It may just not be a US thing! I've lived in two countries that are not the UK or the US, and grandparents helping with childcare was very normal in both. I actually found it MORE common, because families tend/ed to be closer, live together for longer, and more often stay living very close to each other.

Agree with FatSally
I think it’s very easy to justify something to yourself when it totally suits you down to the ground, and I do wonder how many gp’s would rather not be restricted by regular childcare commitments.

I also feel a bit if people try to create some correlation between how much the gp’s do childcare and how close their relationship is with the grandkids

If you are a committed, caring gp then you’ll have a great relationship with your grandkids regardless. I adored my grandparents and I only saw them every few months as they lived the other end of the country. It made seeing them incredibly special and I have amazing memories. If they’d been picking me up from school every day because it was cheaper and more convenient for my parents then I can’t see how I would have felt any closer to them

We made the crazy choice to discuss with grandparents whether they’d like to provide childcare. It wasn’t hard, we just said ‘would you like to, but we don’t expect’. 2 of them said ‘yes, a half day a week suits me’. So that’s what we do. The grandfather isn’t really comfortable with babies but will be more up for solo visits when older. Does no-one actually have conversations about this stuff?

I think my mum has a great relationship with my little one because there is no expectation to care for him. She can just enjoy the nice bits and then give him back. When I was working she was just exhausted all the time. It wasn’t quality time.

Goodness. Totally depends on the individual GPs but I struggle to believe there are many situations where the GP is keen to do 5 days per week childcare in their retirement. One or two days maybe... or maybe not.

I'm shocked that anyone would calibrate the level of care they would give to their parents on the amount of childcare their parents were willing to provide... but suspect that is part of a wider picture in the relationship.

OP - not sure I understood your update but are you saying that you are at home whilst your sister and SIL work but resent the childcare your DM is providing to them? I guess inequality can always cause issues but when there is something like this I tend to assume there is more to it than just childcare. If my DM wanted to provide FT childcare for my sister I'd be very happy for them both without counting the days - but at the same time am totally secure we are all equally loved and no GCs are favoured. I tend to think these things are a symptom not a cause.

My mum, 74, picks up my ds from school 2 eves a week and I'm always checking she's still up for it as she's not the most spritely but she says she wants to keep at it and that the walk to the school does her good!

I'm grateful for the help.

She said no when I asked her to have ds one day a week when he was nursery age as fair enough.

I think expecting grandparents to be free childcare is unfair but I don't see the problem if the grandparents offer.

I work part time (3 days a week) my mum and mother in law look after my two dc on these days. They drop one dc to school then have them both for just under two hours. To be honest they love it. If for whatever reason they don't want to do it I would of course arrange nursery, as I did before they were of school age. To be honest If the grandparents are happy with the arrangement then I guess that's that!

You are being unreasonable. Really be honest with yourself, is it not in the bests of the child for them to be cared for by a close family member instead of strangers? I agree that no grandparent should feel obligated but if they want to care for their grandkids (and are physically able to do so) then why on earth is that wrong? Don’t forget that as long as they’re willing to do it they are getting something out of it too - a relationship with their grandkids and opportunities to do fun things like park, toddler groups etc. It’s obvious that if both parents work full time then their free time is going to be spent with the kids - no dropping them off at grandparents on the weekend. So providing care could be the only opportunity the grandparent has to have real quality time with their grandkids. Also, some posters really need to get off their high horses - just because they are fortunate enough to have the money to work and pay for care or give up work and stay at home don’t criticise those who take up the offer of free care so that they can work and keep a roof over their kids’ heads! You never know one day you might not be so fortunate.

Possibly outing, I know of a situation where a grandmother (single) is caring for 4 dgc 5 days a week. She's knackered to the point it's making her ill, neither of her children seem to have even noticed.

She initially started it to help first child at a time of need due to unforeseen circumstances.

Child then assumed they were happy to continue the arrangement without asking them.

2nd child assumed before ttc that they'd also be benefiting from the same arrangement. Grandmother never corrected them.

In addition to the usual working hours care, she does a lot of babysitting and regularly has the grandchildren while the parents go on holidays and long weekends without the children frequently.

One of the children is a teacher and the grandmother STILL has the gc in the school holidays - even though their parent is available.

Why does the grandmother not say anything? Guilt - because she did exactly the same. Which meant that in addition to having taken advantage of her children's grandparents, the relationship with her children is extremely poor there's a lot of resentment.

And this is not the only scenario similar to this that I know of.